We can learn to discern the difference. Listen to yourself. Listen to the Universe. What is past due and creating anxiety and prodding within you?
Is there something in your life you are avoiding because you don't want to face it? Is there a building anxiety from putting this off?
Sometimes anger, fear, or feeling helpless can motivate procrastination. Sometimes, procrastination has simply become habitual.
Trust and listen to yourself, your Higher Power, and the Universe. Watch for signs and signals. If it is time to do something, do it now. If it is not yet time, wait until the time is right.
God, help me learn to be on time and in harmony with my life. Help me tune in to and trust Divine Timing and Order.
August 28
Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job
It's okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay, it is necessary.
Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need to do that.
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We negotiate conflicts; we try to separate our issues from the other person's issues, and we don't expect perfection from ourselves or others.
We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.
We do not tolerate abuse, nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes, but we forgive ourselves when we make them.
We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn't possibly work out, or jobs that aren't right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.
We figure out what our responsibilities are, and we generally stick to those, unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days, and notsogreat days.
We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.
We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.
We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.
Sometimes, we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other selfdefeating behaviors.
We avoid competition, strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and
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balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.
When we don't know, we say we don't know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.
We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.
If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.
If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.
We remove ourselves as victims, and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.
One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.
Today, I will pay attention to what recovery behaviors I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. God, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.
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August 29
Owning Our Energy
Learn to keep your energy inside.
—Women, Sex, and Addiction
Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.
For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.
Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this "outofbody" experience we call codependency.
We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, caretake, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.
Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.
We can learn to have healthy boundaries—healthy parameters—around ourselves and our energy. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.
If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.
Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live in ourselves.
Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. God, help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.
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August 30
Accepting Our Best
We don't have to do it any better than we can—ever.
Do our best for the moment, then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.
We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.
Striving for excellence is a positive quality.
Striving for perfection is selfdefeating.
Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more? Did someone always withhold approval?
There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.
There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through, until our best becomes better.
There is a time for constructive criticism, but if that's all we give ourselves, well give up.
Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.
Today, I will do my best, then let it go. God, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.
August 31
Denial
I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.
When I was a child, I used denial to protect myself and my family. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel.
Denial got me
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safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.
The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with myself and my feelings. I became able to
participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.
I learned to participate in my own abuse.
Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.
Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.
Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.
I still use, and break through, denial—as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed—strong and healthy.
Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
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Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.
It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings. . .sluggish energy. . .feeling compulsive. . . running too fast or hard. .
.avoiding support mechanisms.
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.
I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.
I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.
God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself—and others—for those times I have used denial.
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September
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September 1
Patience
Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.
We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.
Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for.
Relax and trust.
Today, I will identify what I want and need; then, I'll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.
September 2
Detaching with Love with Children
It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents?
—AlAnon member
We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for their material and physical needs.
Our children need to be taught how to help themselves—from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need Page 255
our love and guidance. They need consistent enforcement of boundaries, once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values.
But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do—if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an ageappropriate level. We need only do our best.
We can let our children have their own process of living; we can have our own process. And, we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom. Seek not to have control, but to own our power as people who are parents.
Today, God, help me find an appropriate balance of responsibility to my children. Help me parent through nurturing and discipline, instead of control.
September 3
Word Power
I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what Page 256
I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
—Anonymous
Some of us are so vulnerable to words.
A welltimed ''I love you.'' A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.
There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few welltimed words! Break through your naivete. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us!
We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.
Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it.
We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk.
We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, welltimed talk control us—
even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.
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Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.
September 4
Finding Direction
I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.
—Anonymous
We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning. We can help our Higher Power give direction and purpose to our life by setting goals.
We can set goals annually, monthly, or daily in times of crisis. Goals create direction and pace; goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves.
We can help give our lives direction by setting goals.
Today, I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life, rather than letting others control my life and affairs.
September 5
Step Ten
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
—Step Ten of AlAnon
Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our selfesteem by regularly working Step Ten.
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This Step incorporates the process we have gone through in Steps Four through Nine. We do not work this Step to punish ourselves or to hold ourselves under a constantly critical and demeaning microscope. We do it to maintain selfesteem and harmony in our relationship with ourselves and others. We do it to stay on track.
When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with at least one safe person and God. Accept it. Become willing to let go of it. Ask God to take it from us. Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amend is called for—to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves.
Take an appropriate action to resolve the matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame.
More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations Page 21