“I missed you.”
“Adaline, my world has not been the same without you in it. It’s probably unhealthy how much I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed everything about you, but mostly your voice.”
“My voice?”
“I told you before about how much I’m in love with your voice.”
“Would you stop loving me if I could no longer speak?”
“Probably,” I kid. He steps back. I pull him back to me and stare up at his lips. “I love all of you. I’d love you even if you didn’t have a voice, lost your right eye, and could no longer walk.”
“What if I lost my left eye too?”
I love our back and forth banter. I’ve missed this. I snuggle back into him. I’m glad he hasn’t said anything about my breasts. I don’t want this moment to be about them. I want it to be about us.
They were a part of me, but they weren’t the only thing I had to offer.
We have a lot to talk about, but I don’t think we need to get to all of it tonight. Tonight, I just want to spend time with him and try to make up for all the time we’ve spent away from each other.
We stand in silence for a while just holding onto each other. His chest heaves a little, and I watch as he wipes his cheek. I feel terrible for pushing him away. I’ve never seen him cry before. I hold him tighter as we sit down on the turf in the middle of field.
I lean back into his chest as I sit between his legs. He encloses his arms around my middle. I’m not ready to let him touch my chest yet, but I’m not going to deprive him of being able to touch me elsewhere.
He kisses my hairline as we sit on the turf and watch the sun fade into the river.
THIRTY-SEVEN
The boys are leaving for their dad’s for the first half of the summer. I have two days left with them before they’ll be gone. Against my better judgement, I’ve been letting Amy stay over a lot more. I don’t have the heart to tell her no. I’m sure she and Sawyer are at least fooling around by now if they aren’t having sex as well. I’m not her guardian, but I did have a talk with both her and Sawyer about protection and that I hope they wait. I went ahead and gave Sawyer some condoms.
I felt like I was telling him it was okay. It’s not okay, I don’t want him or Atticus to be having sexual intercourse yet, but I also want them to be prepared should they choose to do so.
I ordered pizza about thirty minutes ago, and the boys and I are in the living room sitting on the couch watching a movie they picked out.
There’s a knock at the door. I grab some money from the end table before opening the door. Instead of there being a pizza delivery guy standing in front of me, there is Amy and two little boys. “I didn’t know you were coming over tonight…” I say. I specifically told Sawyer not to invite her over. Not because I don’t like her, but I really wanted to spend some time with them.
“Mom’s not home and someone broke into the place next door. I didn’t know where else to go. We’re all kinds of spooked.”
All three of them look like they could use a bath. Other than that, there are no visible bruises, and they all look to be a healthy weight.
I tucked Pete and David in together in Atticus’s bed after they had baths. They didn’t bring a change of clothes with them, so I gave them both a shirt and some underwear that ended up being way to big.
I find Amy and the boys seated at the kitchen table. I stand in the opening between the living room and kitchen and ask Amy, “What’s really going on?”
“That’s the truth. Someone broke in next door. They left, but I was scared they might come back.”
“Did anyone call the cops?”
“I don’t know, we just left. It’s happened before. The cops act like it’s nothing.”
“Can I have your mom’s number?”
She reluctantly says, “Sure.”
I go in my room and shut the door before I call her mom. She doesn’t pick up and it goes to a voicemail box that is full. I call back again and she answers. “Hello, is this Amy’s mom?”
“Why, who’s callin’?”
“This is Adaline Ripley, I have all three of your children at my house right now, while you’re off doing whatever it is that you’re doing.”
“Lady, I’m allowed to have a life. Send them back home if it bothers you that much that they’re there.”
I’m furious. “Them being here doesn’t bother me, but you want to know what does? A mother who stays with a guy who’s been looking at her daughter in a very unfatherly way. A mother who leaves her kids when they’re scared, and you don’t even care. I know it’s none of my business, but lady, if you don’t get your act together, I’ll be forced to take matters into my own hands.” I hang up before she has a chance to speak.
I guess the next two days will be extended family time.
Stephen is sending the boys back to me tomorrow for a week. Only a week, he said. He’s only had them for a week so far. I talked to him for all of five minutes before I hung up on him.
He has filed for divorce from Kitty and is moving her out this week. Apparently, she isn’t taking it well. I hope she gives him ten kinds of hell.
He shouldn’t have married someone he didn’t love. I wouldn’t be surprised if the kid wasn’t even his. I think she was looking for money. He said their pre-nup had a clause about children and that was the only way she would have left the marriage with anything at all.
I’ve made it to a point where I’m glad he cheated. I’m also finding extreme pleasure in the fact that their relationship isn’t working out. Serves him right.
Amy said her mother has been around more and kicked her boyfriend to the curb. I hope it lasts. I hope for her kids’ sake she can be a better role model and not be so neglectful. I know I’m not perfect, but the woman seems to have only been thinking of herself.
Today is the day of my consulting appointment for my implants. I took a personal day from work. I’m still not one hundred percent sure I want them but going to the appointment couldn’t hurt any.
I stayed at my place last night, alone. Malcom is supposed to come to my appointment with me, but he isn’t here yet.
I call him, but he doesn’t answer.
I text him.
Me: I have to leave soon to get there on time.
The doctor’s office is over four hours away. It’s the closest one to me with the best reviews for reconstructive surgery.
I wait ten more minutes for a response, but nothing. I get in my Subaru and turn on an audiobook.
The sound system in my car changes from a man reading a book to me to a ring tone. It’s Malcom. I hit the accept button on my steering wheel.
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to come with you today. I dropped Elsie off at Angie’s last night, and this morning she called and told me Roxanne had taken off with Elsie.”
“What?”
“Yes, I’m trying to locate them now. She isn’t answering her mother or me.”
“What about her boyfriend? Doesn’t she have a boyfriend?”
“She does. I’ll see if Angie has his number. I hope everything goes good at your appointment. Call me after. If I don’t answer, I’ll call you back.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Go find your girl.”
He hangs up and the speakers switch back to the man’s voice.
The doctor has examined me, and now I’m waiting for him to tell me where we go from here.
“Did you have a size in mind?”
“My old ones were a C cup.”
“Did you like them?”
“I did. I would like at least a C, maybe a D, depending on what you think… I want them to look as natural as they can.”
He nods. “We offer some implants known as gummy bear implants. They give a more teardrop shape and look the most natural.”
I look down at my flat chest, and honestly, anything would be better than this right now. “I want those, I guess.”
“You’ll need spa
cers first to stretch your skin and then will schedule your reconstruction.” He types on his laptop some. He looks up from the screen making eye contact before he says, “Have you had sexual relations since the accident?”
“No.”
“You know that you can, right?”
“I know. I know my boyfriend has to want to have sex, but he never asks or even tries.”
“Do you tell him no?”
“He doesn’t ask, so I don’t have to say no.” I don’t know why, I just can’t bring myself to let him see the scars.
“But you would say no.”
“Yes.”
“I saw on your paperwork that you have been going to therapy. I think you should talk to your therapist about physical touch.”
“Okay.”
“Stop at the front desk and have the receptionist schedule your spacers. Adaline, I’m being serious about talking to your therapist. Implants may make you feel better about yourself, but you’ll still have scars. I can’t take them away. And as much as I’d like to say your new set will look normal, they still will not look exactly like your old ones.”
The doctor leaves, and I pick up my purse and head out front. “The doctor told me to go ahead and schedule my next appointment,” I tell the lady at the front desk.
“Okay, we are booked four weeks out. Is there a day that is better for you?”
“The sooner the better. I’ll work around it.”
I call Malcom as soon I get to my car.
“How’s it going?” I ask. I’ve been more worried about Elsie than my chest.
“Roxanne showed up with Elsie at her mom’s about ten minutes ago. I’m on my way there now. She said she told Angie they were going to the aquarium. She said her phone died, and she ran out of gas before they could make it to the aquarium. She told me to quit acting like she was an unfit mom.”
“I don’t want to get in the middle of you guys, but she hasn’t been a great mom.”
“No, she hasn’t. Come by my place after you get back in town.”
“Will do.”
I’m glad he’s figured out where she is.
I’m starting to feel even more awful for not letting him touch me after what the doctor said. I know we could have sex where I keep a shirt on, but it’s like I’ve lost all my sexual drive now that my breasts are gone.
I went home before heading to Malcom’s. I wanted it to be closer to Elsie’s bedtime before I showed up. Not because I didn’t want to hang out with her, but because I wanted to talk about her mom, and I didn’t want to do that with her present.
She went to bed about thirty minutes ago. Malcom and I are out on the deck watching the lake. It’s warm out. Summer is my favorite time of year.
“I’m having my spacers placed in four weeks.”
“Spacers?”
“Yeah, they have to stretch my skin back out first before I can get the implants. The boys will be back in the morning,” I say, as I lean my head into his left shoulder. “I’ll need to leave early tomorrow.”
He kisses my head. “I’m glad you’re here now. A positive from today is that the construction company told me they will begin building my new addition this week.”
“That’s great. You know I’ve been wondering what all happened today…”
“Elsie said they didn’t go to the aquarium at all. That they went to her boyfriend’s house, and Roxanne didn’t pay any attention to her. Elsie said she stayed in the bathroom the entire time. Roxanne, was Roxanne. Nothing was her fault. She said she can do whatever she wants with Elsie whenever she wants; if she wants to take her to Malibu, she can. And she’s right. I hate that she’s right. If she took her away, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Why don’t you talk to Inez? I know you don’t want to take her to court, but maybe now you should before she really does take off with her to Malibu.”
“Before I never felt like she would. I think now that we have been together for a while, she knows it’s serious, and I think it intimidates her.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he says, and his left hand falls from my shoulder and hits my scar. I jump away from his touch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to touch you there.”
“I know you didn’t. I’m not ready for you to touch me there yet, I’m sorry.”
“Quit saying you’re sorry. I love you, Sugar. You just let me know when you’re ready.”
“What if I’m never ready?” I feel like I might not ever be ready.
“I’ll still love you.”
Epilogue
If someone had told me just a few months ago that I’d be getting fake tits, I would have laughed in their face. I had a great pair and there was no way I would have agreed to any sort of plastic surgery at the time.
I’m due to get spacers in less than a week and then I’ll be one step closer to implants. I’m excited, scared, and nervous about the entire ordeal.
Malcom has been great through everything. His addition to his house is almost complete. I haven’t moved in, but I’m here whenever the boys are gone. They are off with their dad for the first part of summer vacation now.
It’s June, and even though we sleep next to each other almost every night, we haven’t made love yet. He said there was no rush, and he’d even wait until after I was healed from my surgery if that’s what I want.
I do want to wait until I feel sexy again, but I miss him being inside of me. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever feel sexy again. I may hate the implants. I hope they are phenomenal, but in case they aren’t, tonight’s the night I’m going to let Malcom see all of me. Scars, stretch marks, flat chest and all.
Tonight, Elsie is staying with her grandmother, and I’m going to surprise Malcom with a home-cooked dinner. He finally took Inez’s advice and filed for custody of Elsie. Roxi is now in a court-ordered rehab that she cannot sign herself out of without repercussions.
I’m hopeful that this will be good for both Roxi and Elsie. As much as I don’t care for her, I hope she does become a better person for her daughter. I know Elsie cares for her mom, and I know she’ll miss her while she’s away, but maybe this time she’ll change, and if not, at least there will be a legal agreement set in stone.
On my way home from work, I stop at the grocery store and pick up all the ingredients for dinner. I also grab some chocolate covered strawberries and whipped cream.
I’m chopping up the chicken when Malcom walks through the door.
“What smells so good, Sugar?”
“It’s a surprise.”
He walks over and moves his hands down my back, around my waist, and down the front of my thighs. Every day I let him touch me a little more, but we still haven’t made love in months. I still have the knife in my hand. I drop it on the counter as I lean back into his embrace. He kisses my neck, and I don’t feel like making dinner anymore. I want him to touch me everywhere.
I turn around, and he steps back. “I’m sorry. You just looked so good.”
With heat in my eyes I say, “Don’t be.” Then I hear his stomach growl. “When was the last time you ate?”
“Last night. Diego and I worked through lunch.”
“Is he all moved now?”
“Mostly, thanks for letting him crash in your basement until he finds somewhere else to rent.”
“I’m just glad I could be of some help. I can’t believe his last landlord didn’t even tell him he was selling the house he was living in.”
“Yeah, kinda shitty if you ask me.”
I kiss his neck the way he did mine. I dart my tongue out from my lips and taste the saltiness left behind from him sweating today. I want him now. I move my hand to the zipper of his jeans, but his hand stops me before I can get them unbuttoned.
I shove my lip out and bat my lashes at him.
“Don’t pout. It breaks my heart. I only want to shower first. If you’re sure you want to.”
I enthusiastically nod my head with a big stupid grin on my fac
e.
Dinner is finished, and Malcom hasn’t made it back from his shower yet. I head to see what’s taking him so long. I find him naked spread eagle on the bed. My jaw drops to the floor. I’ve seen him naked more times than I can count now, but it’s been a while since it led to anything sexual.
“What took you so long? I about fell asleep,” he yawns.
“You told me to finish making dinner…”
“Is it finished?”
“Yes.”
“Good, now strip for me.”
“What?” He usually isn’t so demanding. I like it.
He sits up and leans his back against the headboard. “I just thought it would be sexy is all. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
I take off my shoes and socks. I’m not sure there is really any sexy way to take those off. I slowly unbutton and unzip my pants. I smile as I turn around. I pull my pants below my backside and lean forward as I shimmy them to the floor. Now I’m left in my panties and my sweatshirt.
I slip my thumb under the waistband of my panties and move it leisurely side to side as I watch Malcom’s reaction. He takes in a gasp and bites his knuckles. I slip the panties down and kick them off my right foot aiming for him, but they fall short at the edge of the bed.
“You don’t have to take your sweater off if you don’t want to. We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”
I crawl up in the bed and straddle his legs. “I’m ready,” I say, as I move his left hand between my thighs.
“Yes, you are.”
I move my hips and slip his length inside of me. I want him there when I take my shirt off. I lock my eyes with his deep grays and pull my sweater up and over my head. He keeps his eyes on my face and doesn’t look at my chest at all. His hands find my hips and move me up and down.
I want him to touch me.
“Touch me.”
He doesn’t move his eyes or his hands, so I move his hands for him. I take his left hand in my right and move his fingertips down my face. I kiss each tip and then glide them down my neck and around my collar. My heart rate increases, and I begin to breath in short shallow breaths.
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