“I thought she was with Mack,” I countered.
“What the fuck? Why? I told you there was nothing.” Mack crossed his arms across his chest. My brother was big. Bigger than the rest of us.
“You know this.” I’d mentioned it early on and he was right. He had told me they weren’t together.
“Yeah, but why are you bringing it up?”
“They didn’t all know it.” I nodded toward the others. Daisy was with us right now too, so I couldn’t just refer to them as my brothers.
“That’s fucked-up,” Van said.
“Besides, I’m pretty sure Mack has it bad for someone and we just don’t know it,” Bonham countered. “He’s pining for someone.”
“I’m not pining for anyone.” But Mack’s lips were tight when he spoke, which meant there probably was someone. We’d speculated for years on who had broken Mack’s heart or who was the one who’d gotten away and why. Never came up with a viable answer though.
“Changing the subject,” Daisy interjected. She was always trying to protect the rest of us from any discomfort when it came to our love lives. “Bri is finally meeting us. I have a firm date.”
“Sure you do,” I told her.
“Nope. This time it’s written in ink.”
Daisy’s best friend, Bri, was supposed to meet us before, but she’d kept putting it off and when we’d been home for a few days a couple of weeks ago, Daisy hadn’t gotten to see her then, either. She’d said she’d been on vacation with her dad. I thought Bri just didn’t want to come on tour and none of us cared because she was just another person we’d have to keep track of.
“When?” Mack asked. “I have to make sure we have rooms when we’re supposed to. I assume she’ll be riding with you and Lawson.”
“She will.” Daisy hopped up and got to work on her hair. We did have a show tonight. “But at hotels, she’ll need a room of her own and of course and she’ll need passes.”
“I’ll take care of it.” But then he left the dressing room, which left us to get ready for the show.
Ella was there for the show, on the side of the stage like always. The way our stage was set up, I was on the far side from where she was so I could glance up anytime and there’d she be. I wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to be there, but I didn’t think the meds the doctor had prescribed me had kicked in yet, which of course they hadn’t. He’d sent me a message that it might take a few weeks to be at full strength and I couldn’t wait for that day to come. There would also be adjustments and all of that and I had my first therapy appointment coming up too.
The first few days of taking the meds, I had a bit of a headache. Nothing to complain about compared to the hangover headaches I’d been having but they were still there. I was told this was totally normal and should go away. When I read the side effects of this medication, I was glad I only got the slight headache and not the nausea or other things. Those would’ve been worse.
I just didn’t want Ella to feel like she couldn’t do anything on her own. That wasn’t how I wanted our lives to go.
For now, I’d take her being there even when I didn’t need it, but fucking hell, I didn’t want to need it.
After the show, we went right to the hotel and ordered room service. I wanted every minute with her I could get.
We lay in bed that night after tiring ourselves out, facing each other with my hand stroking hers, intertwining our fingers, and letting them go. Only the faint light by the door was on and we were both sleepy.
“So is this your favorite job ever?” I asked her.
With her eyes closed, she smiled softly. “It definitely is. Great perks.”
“I’ll give you a perk.”
“Didn’t you just do that?” Now she opened her eyes and I could tell this was going to be a serious question. “How are you feeling being sober?”
“Honestly?” I asked. She nodded and I sighed. “It’s a lot easier than I thought it would be. I don’t think my problem is alcohol as you said. I think that once these meds start working, I’ll be a lot better.”
“And therapy. You’ll get tools to deal with the anxiety and panic attacks.”
“Yes. And therapy.”
“I’m glad you’re not struggling, but you might want to avoid alcohol even when you’re feeling better. Just in case.” She gave me a wide grin and I knew that was her preference. I didn’t even want to drink anymore.
“I don’t intend to start again,” I told her honestly. “Besides, staying sober, I get good perks.”
She giggled and the sound was jarring against our formerly still room. She livened it up and I wasn’t about to complain.
“I’ve been writing songs again,” I confessed, not having told anyone else this yet.
Her eyebrows shot up. “I didn’t know you write your songs.”
“I definitely don’t write all of them and some I just help on. I haven’t done it in a long time, but this week, I’ve been inspired.”
There were times when she was hanging out with Daisy, Lexi, and Jurnie. It wasn’t like she watched me twenty-four hours a day. I did have some alone time, even if it meant I was on the bus and so was one of my brothers, but I could write in front of them without a problem.
I’d also been toying around with this song idea that I was sure she’d inspired. There wasn’t another explanation for it and without constantly having alcohol in my system, it was like everything had become clearer. It had been holding me back, even if I hadn’t wanted to admit it at the time.
“We have a band meeting in the morning,” I whispered. There was no reason I couldn’t speak at a normal level, other than I didn’t want to break whatever spell had been cast over this room.
“Mack gave me a schedule.”
“You can come and hang out if you want, but it’ll probably be boring for you.”
One of her shoulders lifted tiredly. “I figured I’d find the other girlfriends and do something with them.” Her eyes popped opened as if she’d just realized what she’d said. “I didn’t mean—”
I silenced her with a kiss. “Don’t worry about it. I like you referring to yourself that way.”
“It just came out. I’m not assuming—”
Again, I made her stop talking with a kiss. “Ella, stop. You said you’re my girlfriend, which is fine with me because I’ve been referring to you as my girl in my head since just after you got here.”
A shy grin slowly spread across her face, but her lips twitched like she was trying to hide it. “You have?”
I nodded. “I have and I think everyone else knows it by now anyway. That’s what you want, right?”
“Yes.” But there was something else going on because her face grew dark.
“What’s going on?” I asked her as I ran my fingertips down her spine. Ella always got dressed before we fell asleep, but I took advantage of the time she spent naked. I needed to be touching her.
“Nothing,” she said quickly as she burrowed into my chest. Couldn’t deny I liked the contact, but I wasn’t going to let it go.
“Something. Come on. Tell me.”
She let out a ragged breath against my chest. “I’m only supposed to be here until you’re feeling better and I’m so glad that you’re on your way.”
“I’m not there yet. The meds haven’t even kicked in.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “But they will and I want them to, but once you’re… I guess you again, I’ll have to go home. What does that mean for us? I assume after what you just said, this thing between you and me isn’t about proximity.”
“Of course it’s not.”
“Then what does that mean for us?”
I pushed her back and moved myself down the bed so we’d be eye to eye. “Well, as long as you’re not sick of me by then, we’ll figure it out. Make it work. People do it.”
“Yeah, but it sounds like Lexi and Jurnie are with you guys until the end of the tour.”
I shook my head. “Jurnie and L
exi are here until August because they both have to go back to school.”
Her eyebrows slammed down. “They didn’t mention that.”
“Probably because they don’t want to think about it. What do you want to do, Ella?”
Her eyes widened and her head snapped slightly back like I’d surprised her. “What?”
“What do you want to happen?”
“I want us to stay together,” she said automatically.
“Yeah.” But a smile I couldn’t control spread across my face. She’d said it so quickly that I knew she was worried about us not being together, which wasn’t going to happen. “But what do you want for you? Are you missing your job? Do you want to get back?”
“I don’t miss my job, but I have to have a job and I think this one is going to end sooner than Mack thought because you’re doing so well. He said he’d pay me for the full time no matter how long I was here but I don’t feel right not working.” She wet her lips. “Actually, I need to talk to Mack about it ending now.”
“Why?” I didn’t like the sound of that, but it was also confusing. She already said she was worried about leaving, yet now she was saying she wanted to leave?
Ella scrunched up her face like I was being intentionally dense. “I can’t keep being paid to sleep with you, Daltrey.”
I laughed loudly, breaking the peace we’d been enjoying. “That’s not what’s happening here.”
“Isn’t it?” She arched a brow. “I’m being paid to keep an eye on you, which I’d now gladly do for free, but we spent part of that paid time in bed.”
“That’s not—”
“That’s exactly what it feels like, so I have to talk to Mack and you’re not part of that conversation.” She was right. It was a deal between her and Mack and not really up to me, but fuck, I wasn’t ready for her to leave yet. “Like I said the deal included him paying me the full amount and if he’s willing, I’ll still take it because I need the money but I don’t want to actively be receiving deposits if we’re together.” She took a breath. “It might sound stupid to you but that’s just how I feel.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid.” And I didn’t want her feeling like a prostitute which was basically what she was saying was happening. “So I ask again, what do you want?”
“I don’t know,” she told me. “I’ve never really had options. I worked at the restaurant because I had to have a job and they hired me out of high school. I’ve always done everything for everyone else. This job is the closest I’ve come to doing anything for myself and even this is for you. I really don’t know how to answer that yet.”
“So why don’t you think about it?” I say gently, hating how she’d grown up and the fact that I couldn’t imagine what it’d been like to be on her at such a young age.
My girl was a survivor.
“Because I have to have a job.”
“You’re going to be paid the full amount of Mack’s offer, right? He told you that. Even if I was too much for you, he is going to pay you the full amount and he’ll stick to that.”
“So?”
“So, cash out and hang out with me until you decide what you want to do.”
“I haven’t not been working since I was fourteen, Daltrey. I can’t just hang out with you for weeks.”
“Sure, you can. You’ll have a cushion and whenever you want or whenever you figure out what you want to do, you’ll go home. I’ll hate it, but you’ll go home.”
“What about us?”
“Listen, you’ve seen Booker Coyote, right?” I asked, referring to Courting Chaos’ bassist. She nodded. “His girl, Paige, she’s a nurse, so she’s not here as much as the other band girlfriends are. Her schedule is crazy, but what they have works for them. She works three twelve-hour shifts at the hospital, she told me. That gives her four days off in a row. She’ll join him for those four days a lot. Or she’ll do some planning and get eight off in a row. If something happens and it doesn’t work out, he’ll go to her, even if it’s just for the day.”
“That’s amazing. That they’re so dedicated.”
“I’ll do that with you. Nothing will stop me from seeing you, Ella.”
We kissed for a while, but it didn’t go any further before we both fell asleep.
In the morning, Ella was already in the shower when I woke up. As I contemplated joining her, the water shut off. Such a missed opportunity. Still, I knocked on the door and opened it after she said I could come in.
Ella was brushing her hair in front of the mirror with only a towel wrapped around her body. One little tug and it wouldn’t stand between me and what my fingers were itching for.
“Don’t even think about it,” she said as if she could read my mind. “You have a band meeting in a while and I’m meeting Lexi and Jurnie for breakfast. I won’t be late.”
“I can be quick.”
She rolled her eyes. “Every woman’s dream come true.”
I snorted. I wasn’t kidding anyone. There was no way I could be quick with her, even if I wanted to be. “I’ll just shower really quickly then go to the venue with you if you have time to wait.”
“I definitely have time for that. I still have to get dressed and everything.”
Nodding as I walked past her, I slapped her ass before turning the shower back on.
When we got to the venue, Ella, unfortunately, scurried over to Jurnie and Lexi without even kissing me goodbye. I began to wonder if she was uncomfortable showing affection in front of people. It wasn’t like they didn’t know what was going on between us, though everyone had been good about not giving her a hard time. Like they knew she was struggling with the fact that we were together while she was still being paid by the band.
I joined my family in the dressing room of the venue. That was where they’d all be for a band meeting.
“So what’s up?” I asked once Van had arrived too.
“I wanted to talk to all of you together,” Mack began. “Because I’m planning for what comes next. Lawson has been pretty involved and as much as I hate to admit it, he’s been a help.”
Daisy sighed dramatically. She didn’t appreciate that some of us still had feelings about her and Lawson being together. Mack was the only holdout, though he’d been learning how to separate the personal and professional where Lawson was concerned.
“Apparently, he has a vested interest in what Pushing Daisies does next,” he added and we all knew why.
“Anyway…” Van drew the word out because not a single one of us wanted to think about where Lawson’s interest came from.
“Anyway, your popularity has risen enough that we have interest from a couple of record companies and we’re going to have Larry evaluate those before I even present them to you.” Larry was our media lawyer back home. We’d used him a few times in the beginning to look over gig agreements, but Mack insisted we would continue to use him as we grew. He was good. “So that’s good.”
“I hate the idea of someone else having any say in what we’re putting out,” I told him. That would be a nightmare.
“We’ll make sure that we retain creative control or we won’t sign. We can continue to do it on our own, but it’d be nice for someone else to foot some of the upfront cost. We don’t need it, but it’s an option.”
I liked the sound of options and with the murmur in the room, so did the rest of us.
“With that, since we’re going to release new music no matter what, I’m going to start planning a tour of our own. We have some offers there and it’ll be smaller than this, but bigger than anything else we’ve done on our own.”
A wave of excitement pushed through the room. A tour of our own? That was the fucking dream and while I expected to be filled with panic, I wasn’t. The anxiety wasn’t gone yet, but I knew Ella was out there somewhere and she was going to be excited for us.
Once we were all done talking about our stuff, Mack asked the group, “Anything else?”
“I have something.” I raised my hand halfway
into the air. “Ella is uncomfortable that she’s still being paid, so she’s going to talk to you.”
He narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Chase her away already?” Van joked.
I raised my middle finger and pushed it over into his face, which made him laugh loudly. “I’ve chased nothing away, but now that we’re together, she’s uncomfortable being paid by the band.” It was the first time I’d acknowledged out loud that we were, in fact, together. At least publicly to the whole group.
“I can understand that,” Daisy told us. “I think I’d feel weird about it in her shoes. So what’s she going to do? Leave? I really don’t want her to leave.”
I knew why I didn’t want her to leave but to hear Daisy say it was surprising. “Why not?”
“I like her for you. I like you when you’re with her far more than I was liking you before she got here.” Leave it to Daisy to be real with me.
“I like her for me too, but she’s not leaving yet. She said she won’t until I’m for sure in a better place.”
“And are you?” Bonham asked.
I nodded. “I’m getting there.” I wasn’t sure how much they knew about it all, so I decided now was the time to tell them. “You all might know this already, but Dad got his friend to prescribe me some meds for anxiety because with Ella’s help, Mack and I figured out that was what was going on. I was self-medicating and have to see a therapist until it’s all situated.”
Daisy reached out and put her hand on mine then squeezed. “I’m glad you figured it out. I didn’t think it was really how you wanted to be.”
“It was,” I told her honestly. “I wanted to be drinking because it was the only way to keep the fucking weight off my chest.”
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t know, so how could you? All I knew was that I felt better if I had a few drinks.”
The room was quiet, so I looked back to Mack. It was on him to keep us moving now.
“Well, I told Ella from the beginning that she was being paid the full amount no matter how long she stayed. It was only supposed to be a few months to start anyway. I’ll stand by that. Dad even offered to kick in, so it doesn’t have to fully come out of the band’s money.”
Daltrey (Pushing Daisies Book 4) Page 12