by Lisa Suzanne
He lifts his shoulder.
“Did she stick her tongue in your mouth?”
He nods.
“And you let her.”
He nods again.
“Did her hands touch you anywhere?”
He looks away from me. “She put her arms around my neck.”
“Where were your arms?”
“I was taken by surprise, so at first my arms were just hanging there.”
“At first? Then what?”
“They went to her hips and then I pushed her away.”
I press my lips together, mostly because I feel my eyes filling with tears, but I don’t want to cry in front of him. I don’t want him to know how much this affects me and how seriously I’m taking it. Maybe we don’t have an official label for our relationship, but that doesn’t make what we have any less exclusive. I thought spending all our time together for the past six months meant something, but maybe I was wrong.
“Do you want her? Do you want to be with her?”
“Emme, I want to be with you. It was one lapse in judgment, one weak moment when I was hurting.”
“So that’s how it is? When we’re hurt, we can just go off and kiss other people?”
“It was one kiss one time, and I regret the fuck out of it.”
I thought knowing the details would make me feel better, but it doesn’t. If anything, I feel a little worse. Now I can picture exactly where they were, exactly how they were standing. I’m sure the image in my head is worse than it was in reality, but the one in my head is steamy and sexual and so wrong.
His lips are mine to kiss, no one else’s. The fact that she felt safe kissing him—her boss, her coworker’s man, and at work, no less—tells me something was very wrong with us to begin with.
“I need some time off,” I say.
Axel nods. “Of course, babe. Whatever you need.”
“I don’t want to be around Kasey. I don’t really want to be around you right now, either.”
“I understand.”
“I have a question, and I need you to be honest with me.”
“Anything.” His eyes are so dark and sincere, I know I can trust he’ll give me the truth here, no matter how much it might hurt to hear it.
“If I take time away from work…time away from you, am I pushing you right into Kasey’s arms?”
He shakes his head with vehemence, and that makes me feel a little better. “No. I promise, Emme, it’s just you.”
“I’ll work from home. I’ll make sure everything is taken care of and I’ll just use my vacation time.” I never use it, so I’ve got a bunch saved. Who needs a vacation from a job they love?
“Don’t worry about vacation time, or pay. I’ll pay you for whatever time you need to take.”
“I don’t want you working with Kasey.”
“Babe, I can’t help that.”
“Schedule her on daytime shift, then. Or fire her.”
“I can’t fire her. She’s one of our best bartenders.”
“Then don’t go in at night.”
He blows out another frustrated breath. “I’ll figure something out. I’ll make sure we’re never alone.”
I raise an eyebrow, but I know this is the best he can do. “Fine.” I pull the blanket up higher on my body.
“How long are you planning to take?” A nervous edge tinges his voice.
I shrug without looking at him.
“Why don’t you take through Courtney and Carter’s wedding so you can help her? Then you come back to me.”
I nod. “Okay.”
He gets up and then kneels in front of me. He wraps his arms around me and rests his head in my lap. “Don’t leave me.” His voice holds so much desperation, I can’t help the tears that start to fall. “I’m so sorry.”
I stroke his hair as I cry as silently as possible. I touch the soft hairs on the sides of his head where it’s clipped so close to his scalp, it’s almost shaved. The hair there is so soft and silky, and I love running my fingers through it. I love petting him this way, and I love when he holds me around my waist the way he is right now.
“I love you, Emme. I think you’re right, that time apart will be good for us, but please don’t decide while you’re gone that you don’t want to be with me anymore. If you come to that conclusion, at least talk to me first.”
I swipe at the tears falling down my cheeks. “That’s not what this is. I just need some time away from everything. I need to reevaluate what I’m even doing with my life. I know how I feel about you, but I need some time to figure out how I’m supposed to let you in when I’m so scared about getting hurt. I already got hurt because you kissed someone else, and I need to figure out what it is about me that pushed you to do that.”
“Don’t do that. It’s not you. It was my action, my mistake. I own it, and I told you about it because you deserved to know.”
“You know how my last relationship ended.”
“I do, and that’s why I had to tell you as soon as it happened.”
“But you didn’t. You told me twenty-four hours later.”
“Because I didn’t cheat on you. She came after me. She kissed me.” The desperation is back in his voice, and it hurts to hear it.
I rub at the sudden ache in my chest. “I know,” I say, stroking that soft hair some more. “I know, babe. We’re going to be okay.”
I feel like this is maybe a good time to tell him someone else kissed me, too. I open my mouth to say something, and then the door opens and Courtney and Carter come back in. “Everybody decent in here?” Courtney asks.
I giggle and sniffle. “Yeah, we’re good.”
Axel straightens and sits back on his heels. “Are we?” he asks so softly, only I can hear.
I nod at him, my eyes straight on his. “We are.”
“Okay.” He rubs the tops of my thighs with his palms, and then he stands. “I’m gonna take off.”
I don’t want him to go, but I know he has to. I know this is what’s best for us.
His gaze lands on me for one long moment, and then he leans down, presses a soft kiss to my lips, and turns to leave.
I don’t move because I don’t feel like I can. I’m glued to my seat with blankets surrounding me and protecting me. Carter must walk him out, because Courtney is suddenly by my side and I don’t know where he went.
“Is everything okay?” she asks, her brows furrowed in concern.
“If you’re worried your maid of honor and best man are going to make a scene, don’t be.”
“That’s not really fair, Emme. I’m worried about my best friend.”
“I’m sorry. You’ve been nothing but good to me and I’m just lashing out.”
“What happened in here?”
“I told him I’m taking some time off work to figure things out, but we agreed we aren’t ending things.”
“I’ll spend more time at The Port. I can wedding plan from there—free wifi and all, you know.” She grins.
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I know I don’t, but someone needs to keep a close eye on that Kasey bitch—who, by the way, is officially uninvited to the wedding.”
“Don’t do that. Axel’s gorgeous and kind. She just went for her opening when she saw one. I can’t blame her for that. She knew we were having problems, so she tried to be the one to comfort him.”
“Rebound bitch.”
“Seriously. I hate her forever.”
Courtney giggles. “Me too.”
That’s what best friends are for.
CHAPTER 20
EMME
It’s been less than twenty-four hours since I last spoke to Axel, and I’m already antsy. I still haven’t bought that pregnancy test, but considering I’ve gotten sick every day in the late afternoon and I feel like shit pretty much constantly, I know what’s going on. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.
I just hope I’m wrong. I hope it’s some rare form of the flu that’ll just pass,
because I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do if my hunch is right.
I’ve been working from home, communicating with Axel via email only when absolutely necessary. I thought about communicating through Carter instead, but he’s got a fairly demanding day job as the head of a major charity organization, so I leave him alone. Between his job and managing his future wife, he’s got his hands full.
I actually spend quite a bit of time with my reorganization ideas for The Port. Starting next month, I’m planning on weekly trivia contests, nightly themes, and a loyalty program. I’ve drafted these ideas into a proposal for Axel, but I don’t want to email that to him; it just seems like something I’d rather discuss in person. Part of me feels like I’m shifting from the nighttime party girl into more of a daytime marketing specialist, and I can’t help but wonder if this “food poisoning” has anything to do with my sudden attitude adjustment.
When I vomit right on schedule at four o’clock for the fourth day in a row, I have a strong inclination about what I’m dealing with, and it’s safe to say it’s not the fish tacos.
Though, as Axel would say, it has something to do with my fish taco.
I’ve never felt more terrified or alone. I’m currently on a break from Axel. My best friend has her own shit she’s going through, and while hers is good shit, it’s still stress. My circle of friends is wide and diverse, but it’s filled with acquaintances, not with people I’d feel comfortable discussing personal matters with. I don’t have any siblings, and I don’t have parents who are here to support me.
I need to go purchase a pregnancy test. I’m well aware of this fact, but it isn’t something I can do alone. I need someone to hold my hand.
I’d like it to be Axel, actually. I feel this sudden craving to have him by my side, and I wonder if this is what they mean by cravings. I know absolutely nothing about how this works. I didn’t grow up around babies. I never babysat. I never had even the slightest of desires to work with kids or spend time around them, let alone have one of my own.
Axel and I are safe. I’m on the pill. We’ve only been with each other over the past several months, but the pill, as I keep reminding myself, isn’t one hundred percent effective. I think back to that night Anthrax’s Revenge played The Port. I drank too much that night and got sick, and that’s not the first time that’s happened over the course of time I’ve been with Axel. It happens probably more than it should. I guess at some point sticking to my limits might come in handy, but it’s hard to dub yourself a party girl if you’re stopping because you’re afraid you’ve had one too many.
I’m more than a little worried I fall into that small percentage of women who may get pregnant even though they’re taking all the right precautions. I also know how many people would consider me lucky to be in this situation. I have a man who loves me and wants to spend his life with me. He wants me to carry his children. He wants to be the father while I’m the mother.
But these aren’t things I have ever wanted, and especially not now. I’m still young. I’m still in my prime. I’m still partying nearly every night and I’m still sleeping through every day.
How am I supposed to do that with a baby?
It’s that word, that terrifying word—baby—that sends me into the bathroom at my regularly scheduled time to dispel the contents of my nearly empty stomach.
*
I manage to choke down a bowl of chicken soup, and once I start eating, I’m absolutely ravenous. Tonight, Free from Freezing is playing The Port. They’ve played a handful of times before, and they’re a great grunge band. I’m disappointed to be missing it, but what’s even worse is the scene of Axel and Kasey kissing that keeps playing in my head.
Staying home alone was a terrible idea. I text Courtney to see if she needs any help, but she doesn’t respond right away. It’s not like her, but I know how busy she is. Maybe staying with her is a better idea than driving myself crazy in the quiet solitude of my own apartment.
She didn’t invite me, exactly, and I’m sure she wants to spend time with her fiancé in the days before the wedding, but I could really use some company—even if it’s the bride in her final countdown.
I manage to make it through the night. I go to bed early, falling asleep in bed watching a cheesy romantic comedy that makes me feel a little better.
The days are set on repeat: text Courtney to see if she needs anything, shower, stop by Court’s around lunchtime, help out, head home, get sick, lie in bed, work a little, eat some soup, go to bed. And repeat.
There’s only one night that’s different than the rest, and that’s Saturday—Courtney’s bachelorette party.
I haven’t quite figured out how this night’s going to play out. We’re headed to Pink Agave, for one, and even the thought of Mexican food makes my nervous stomach roll. I can’t imagine seeing tacos on everyone else’s plates. For another thing, binge drinking is pretty much required at bachelorette parties. Not only do I not have any desire to drink, but what if I am with child? I can’t drink if I’m pregnant. I’ve heard one or two glasses is okay, but I don’t know where I heard that and I don’t trust my sources. I have no idea what I’m doing here, and nothing has even been confirmed because I’m too chickenshit to go buy the stupid test.
So I pull on the hot pink Maid of Honor t-shirt I had my friend Roman at T-Shirts Plus make and pair it with jeans and my Converse. I curl my hair into soft waves and I put on makeup. I vomit right on schedule, and then I brush my teeth and head out to Pink Agave to celebrate the bride on her last night out as a single lady.
I get to the restaurant first to set up for the shower and talk to the waitress. The hostess leads me to a large, private room set up for our party, and I carry a box with decorations Courtney’s mom picked up, wondering where she shops for this shit. After they settled on navy and gold as their colors, Lori changed her tune from all the frilly pink stuff to a bunch of frilly navy and gold stuff.
If it makes the mother of the bride happy and keeps the peace, then so be it. I set out the party favors her mom made and dropped at my apartment earlier this week—a set of measuring spoons for each lady with navy and gold ribbons tied to the top. They’re actually sort of cute and a good, useful idea compared to some of the crap I’ve walked away from these events with. I just don’t really want to tote around a bunch of spoons for the night.
Courtney’s mom has volunteered to pick her up and get her here. It’s all a big surprise, and I almost ruined it more than once this week. I’m a terrible secret keeper, which is why I’ve stayed away from The Port even though I want to go.
Normally I would have blurted what’s going on with me to Courtney, but she’s been so distracted by the wedding that I haven’t had a chance. It’s been a relief, actually.
I drove tonight on purpose. It’s at least one excuse for not getting wasted with the rest of them. If I’m designated driver, I have a built-in excuse, but I know Court won’t let me get away with it. Certainly she’ll want to Uber or something, but I’m a smart girl. I’ll figure it out.
As I’m setting out the spoons, the waitress comes in to greet me. “Are you Emme?” she asks.
I nod and smile.
“Shannon. I’ll be taking care of your group tonight. Is there anything I need to know?”
I smile. “Yes. When I ask for vodka, make sure you actually bring me water. Everyone else should get what they order.”
“I assume this is a secret?”
I nod, and she smiles.
“You got it. Anything else?”
I shake my head. “Just keep the mother of the bride happy. That’s what I keep trying to do.”
She giggles. “Noted. Can I get you some vodka now?” She makes air quotes around the word vodka.
“I’d love some.”
She disappears and I continue decorating from Lori’s box. I set out as much as I can, but I leave a few things. Honestly, if I put anything else out, we’re not going to have any room to move.
The guests start to arrive shortly after I finish decorating. Since Courtney and I run in the same circles, it’s a lot of our mutual friends, and it’s nice to see them, especially since I’ve been away from my social life for the past few days.
Julie and Kate arrive first, two girls we know from college. Next comes Vickie, the girlfriend of one of Courtney’s friends. Maggie, Kaylin, and Jen walk in next, and then Auntie Alice and some of Court’s extended family arrive. Soon the long, rectangular table is filled with people who love my best friend. A little before seven, an older woman I’ve never seen before walks in. She’s tall and thin, and she has dark, shoulder-length hair curled under. She screams sophistication in her long-sleeved black dress and simple silver pendant necklace. Her shrewd dark eyes land on me, and I immediately see the resemblance and know who she is.
I walk up to her. “Hi, I’m Emme.”
She smiles warmly and extends her hand to me. “Karoline King.”
I take her hand to shake it, and hers are ice cold. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I just adore your son and the way he treats Courtney.”
“You’re the maid of honor?” she asks, her hand still in mine.
I smile. “The one and only.”
“So you’re the one dating Axel, then?”
My smile widens. “That’s me.”
She squeezes my hand. “You make him so happy.”
My throat unexpectedly tightens. In all the stress of pulling a last-minute bachelorette party together topped with helping plan the wedding, I forgot that the mother of the groom is also the aunt of the guy I’m dating…or sleeping with, or on a break from, or whatever we currently are.
“I hope so,” I whisper, feeling my eyes heat. I look away from her before I allow tears to fully form. “I’m so glad you could make it. Have a seat wherever you’d like. I’m sure the guest of honor will be here shortly.”
“I’m just waiting for my sister. She stopped off at the restroom.”
Her sister is here?
Her sister…as in Axel’s mother?
Oh, fuck.
When I told Lori to handle the invitations, I never thought for a minute that Axel’s mom would be on that list.