William Shakespeare's Alack! of the Clones

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William Shakespeare's Alack! of the Clones Page 10

by Ian Doescher


  PADMÉ

  Dost see the posts of steam that yonder rise?

  They tell of some exhaust ports down below.

  ANAKIN

  Well seen, my lady, keen are thy two eyes.

  Therein shall I touch down, to meet our foe.

  PADMÉ

  I prithee, Anakin, whate’er befalls

  Take thou instruction from mine ev’ry move,

  Should tact and manners fail inside these walls

  War follows if our rivals disapprove.

  I, as a member of the Senate strong,

  Belike may find a diplomatic end

  To all this conflict and its senseless wrong.

  ANAKIN

  Aye, thy look doth all arguments suspend.

  [Exeunt Anakin and Padmé, disembarking.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] Shall I remain to let them suffer ill?

  Forbid it so! They’ll have my droidly help.

  [To C-3PO:] Beep, meep, squeak, beep!

  C-3PO

  —Mine errant, impish friend,

  If they had needed our assistance, then

  ’Tis plain they need but merely ask for it.

  Thou couldst much learn about the human mind,

  If thou by me wouldst be instructed.

  R2-D2

  —Squeak!

  Enter ANAKIN SKYWALKER and PADMÉ, on balcony.

  ANAKIN

  A large facility, with many routes,

  I wonder where we shall find Obi-Wan.

  PADMÉ

  Such wayward paths do trail these harsh disputes

  And lead us unto webs by darkness spun.

  [Exeunt Anakin and Padmé.

  R2-D2

  Meep, beep, meep, whistle, beep, squeak, whistle, hoo!

  C-3PO

  For a mechanic, thinkest thou too much!

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, squeak, meep, hoo!

  C-3PO

  —I programm’d am

  To understand humanity and all

  Its complex, varied moods and attitudes.

  O, what a piece of work’s humanity—

  How infinite in faculty! In form

  And moving, how express and admirable!

  Presume thou not to doubt mine expertise.

  R2-D2

  Squeak, whistle, squeak, beep, hoo, beep, whistle,

  squeak!

  C-3PO

  “What doth that mean?” thou sayest, naught droid!

  The plain conclusion’s this: I am in charge.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] I have a nobler, more important charge:

  These humans to protect, as best I may.

  [To C-3PO:] Meep, hoo!

  C-3PO

  —O wither goest thou, small rogue?

  Thou knowest not what lies beyond, R2!

  Hast thou lost ev’ry ounce of common sense?

  [R2-D2 disembarks with C-3PO in pursuit.

  Alack! If thou shalt go, then wait for me!

  Is’t possible thou knowest where thou lead’st?

  Enter ANAKIN SKYWALKER and PADMÉ, pursued by GEONOSIANS.

  ANAKIN

  You brutes, taste my lightsaber’s hostile touch!

  [Anakin slays several Geonosians, who flee, passing by C-3PO and R2-D2.

  C-3PO

  You beasts, depart from us at once! O! O!

  [Anakin and Padmé reach a precipice above the droid foundry.

  PADMÉ

  Our path doth lead from trouble unto trouble:

  Behold, our way doth cease upon this ledge.

  ANAKIN

  The plank, indeed, our misery doth double,

  For now it disappears, ’tis but a wedge!

  PADMÉ

  I fall!

  [Padmé falls, landing on the conveyor belt below.

  ANAKIN

  —My love, my life, I follow thee!

  [Anakin jumps to the conveyor belt.

  Enter GEONOSIANS, fighting ANAKIN. He destroys them.

  PADMÉ

  A vast machine with plates and hammer’d steel—

  One wayward step shall be the death of me.

  If I but guide my steps with even keel,

  Then peradventure I may best it yet.

  Be swift, my feet, the mallets to avoid!

  [She runs underneath several large hammering and clamping devices, escaping their blows.

  ’Tis like a gauntlet by some devil set:

  Is this the scene in which I am destroy’d?

  ANAKIN

  My Jedi senses aid my progress here,

  Though still mine heart, my Padmé is far gone!

  Her death herein—O, ’tis mine utmost fear:

  I need no stronger reason to press on!

  [C-3PO and R2-D2 arrive on the precipice above the droid foundry.

  C-3PO

  O, madness most profound, what sight is this?

  Yea, shut me off—machines that make machines!

  Such strange perversity I never saw.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep.

  [R2-D2 bumps into C-3PO from behind.

  C-3PO

  —Take care, R2, I almost fell!

  R2-D2

  [aside:] Adventure shall befall him, ere he knows!

  [To C-3PO:] Meep, whistle, hoo!

  [R2-D2 bumps into C-3PO, knocking him off the precipice onto a passing foundry vehicle.

  C-3PO

  —I fall! Aye, ask for me

  Tomorrow, you shall find me a scrap droid!

  A nightmare, this! We’re not in Tatooine,

  Not anymore: O, there’s no place like home!

  [The vehicle drops C-3PO onto a conveyor belt.

  Have I no heart, that I this pain deserve?

  [R2-D2 fires his boosters and flies into the foundry chamber.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] I fly, my friends to save! Beep, whistle, hoo!

  [A Geonosian attacks Padmé.

  PADMÉ

  O, nasty, wretched creature, let me go!

  Alas, I fall into some larger container.

  Such unforgiving strife doth work us woe,

  That our hopes have turn’d grim could not be plainer.

  [The large bucket into which Padmé falls is swept away by a machine.

  C-3PO

  I wonder what became of poor R2,

  Who doth excel at finding trouble. Ah!

  [C-3PO’s head is removed and replaced with a battle droid head.

  I’ve lost mine head or, rather, body too!

  I know not which—for where doth sense reside?

  Mine eyes still see the foundry, yet themselves

  Have not the pow’r to move, and still my feet

  Do feel the ground, yet have no pow’r to think!

  O, senseless life, when head and trunk are riv’n

  In twain, when body is from brain detach’d!

  [The machine attaches a battle droid body to C-3PO’s head, resulting in C-3PO 1—C-3PO’s body with a battle droid head—and C-3PO 2, C-3PO’s head with a battle droid body.

  C-3PO 1

  My body’s fix’d unto another droid!

  C-3PO 2

  Mine head another body hath assum’d—

  Confusion bleak that splits my soul in two!

  [Exeunt C-3PO 1 and C-3PO 2.

  ANAKIN

  The Force is with me here, these beasts to fight:

  Yet they are more than even I can stand!

  [Anakin falls, and his hand is clamped beneath a steel plate.

  I fall—the fiends o’ercome this Jedi Knight!

  O, shall I finish’d be by mine own hand?

  PADMÉ

  This massive barrel shall undo me quite,

  For it shall soon with molten lead be fill’d.

  O, this shall be a terrifying sight:

  A senator outdone by liquid spill’d.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] Now to it, droid, and do thy fleetest work,

  Connect with t
he machine to make it stop.

  [R2-D2 plugs into the machine and stops the molten metal from filling Padmé’s barrel. The barrel is released and falls. Exit R2-D2.

  PADMÉ

  Sav’d from the heat, but still I’m in the fire:

  I fall, and shall some knocks receive, sans doubt.

  The barrel crashes—fie!—occasion dire!

  Now helplessly, like water, I’m pour’d out.

  ANAKIN

  The blades upon this belt shall be mine end—

  A Jedi split upon a razor’s slice—

  Unless I may mine energies expend

  And beat this apparatus in a trice.

  [Anakin dodges swiftly as a machine cuts his hand free from the steel plate; his lightsaber is destroyed in the process.

  My freedom, aye, but not without a cost:

  My new lightsaber hath been made unfit.

  When we find Obi-Wan, who now is lost,

  I’ll face odd quirks and remnants of his wit.

  Enter JANGO FETT and several DROIDEKAS, as GEONOSIANS surround PADMÉ.

  JANGO

  I promise, move once and it shall be your last, Jedi.

  You, droidekas, take him away!

  [Jango Fett moves aside.

  PADMÉ

  [aside:] Our journey to find Obi-Wan is o’er,

  For sure we’re o’ercome by bitter foes,

  The vile assassins who did try before

  To end my life may now their death impose.

  Aye, truly, it doth seem I make my walk

  Unto some tragic and untimely end.

  Yet, just as heart should fear and mind should balk,

  I fear it not, because love doth suspend

  The fear that otherwise would fill my soul.

  Indeed, e’en as death looms before mine eyes

  Mine heart is by another one made whole:

  What I had spurn’d, I now shall recognize.

  The battle we have lost, but not the war:

  E’en if we die, our love shall have its day.

  ANAKIN

  Be not afraid, O, lady I adore.

  PADMÉ

  To die is not what brings mine heart dismay,

  For verily mine heart doth daily burn—

  A piece of a death arrives with each new sun—

  Since thou into my life hast made return.

  ANAKIN

  What mean’st thou, to what end do thy words run?

  PADMÉ

  The thing mine heart doth realize at last.

  Although it comes too late, do thou hear me:

  I love thee, Anakin.

  ANAKIN

  —Elation vast!

  Yet I had thought our love was not to be:

  The moment was not right, our love to bloom,

  For truly it would mean a life of lies,

  Thus bringing to our lives a world of doom.

  These were your words, which from your lips did rise.

  PADMÉ

  The situation dooming us therein

  Seems less important since I’ve found my bliss.

  I truly, deeply love thee, Anakin.

  ANAKIN

  Then if we die, we die upon a kiss.

  [They kiss as they are led, guarded, into the execution arena.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI, bound against a pillar, and cheering SPECTATORS. Enter COUNT DOOKU, JANGO FETT, POGGLE THE LESSER, NUTE GUNRAY, and BOBA FETT on balcony, surveying the scene.

  OBI-WAN

  My Padawan hath come to save my life—

  Mayhap his action doth misguided seem,

  Since he and Padmé both arrive in bonds.

  Yet I confess their presence is most welcome.

  For two shall make a stronger stand than one,

  And three shall make a stronger stand than two.

  PADMÉ

  A clip for holding hair I shall conceal.

  Though normally it keeps mine hair aright,

  Here shall it yet another purpose serve

  And keep my fate aright. Now hide, sly clip.

  [Padmé hides the clip in her mouth. She and Anakin are chained to pillars.

  OBI-WAN

  Fair greetings, eager, faithful Padawan.

  I had begun to wonder if, indeed,

  The message that I sent had been receiv’d.

  ANAKIN

  I did, and retransmitted as you said.

  ’Twas all as you did order, Master, yea,

  Until we did decide to rescue you.

  OBI-WAN

  Thy plan was brave, though Fate had other plans.

  And now your fate is bound with mine, in chains.

  [Aside:] Why do I prick at him, when he but tried

  To serve me a good turn? More thanks he doth

  Deserve than this, though his work was in vain.

  poggle

  [to spectators:] I prithee, viewers all, maintain the peace.

  The executions shall commence anon!

  spectators

  Huzzah!

  Enter into the arena three beasts—the ACKLAY, the NEXU, and the REEK—and THEIR KEEPERS.

  OBI-WAN

  —From bad to worse—what monstrous beasts!

  REEK

  E’en now are we three met again,

  I—thunder, lighting—bring my pain.

  ACKLAY

  Yea, when the hurlyburly’s done,

  A meal we shall have lost or won.

  NEXU

  That will be ere the set of sun.

  REEK

  But where the place?

  ACKLAY

  —E’en here is fine.

  NEXU

  Aye, here upon these folk to dine.

  REEK

  I come, the reek, with horns severe,

  A coat of armor, sharp as spear,

  Such bulk as could destroy a ship,

  No creature from my grasp may slip.

  ACKLAY

  The acklay I, with teeth like knives,

  Made for defeating human lives.

  Six legs, like iron set with spikes,

  I rage and I do as I likes.

  NEXU

  I am the nexu, small but fierce,

  With claws design’d frail flesh to pierce.

  Barbs on my back to work you woe,

  I’ll catch ye whether swift or slow.

  BEASTS

  Now foes are food, and food is fair,

  Come, blood, through fog and filthy air.

  [The beasts approach Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padmé.

  ANAKIN

  I have a feeling bad about this, sir.

  [Padmé releases one of her bonds with the hidden hair clip and climbs to the top of her pillar.

  PADMÉ

  Whilst my two friends do gape and wonder so,

  Already liberty have I secur’d.

  OBI-WAN

  Remain thou calm, young Padawan, relax

  And concentrate upon the moment.

  ANAKIN

  —Aye,

  But what of Padmé, tender, sweet, and true?

  OBI-WAN

  It doth appear she’s ris’n above her fear.

  ANAKIN

  Behold, my clever lady stands atop

  The pillar, there the creatures to o’erthrow.

  OBI-WAN

  Here come the beasts: ’tis either them or us.

  [The acklay approaches Obi-Wan, slashing its pincers at him.

  ACKLAY

  This one is mine, shall be my feast,

  I strike at him, my rage releas’d.

  O, he is quick and parries me,

  Alas, I’ve hit his chains, he’s free!

  OBI-WAN

  Shalt thou not make a hardier attempt?

  To think that I was e’er of thee afeard.

  [The acklay and Obi-Wan continue to skirmish as the reek charges toward Anakin.

  REEK

  I’ll ram the other one anon,

  And show him all the reek’s vast brawn.

 
I’ll double all his toil and trouble,

  Until he burns like cauldron bubble.

  ANAKIN

  This one is not as fearsome as he seems—

  O’erleaping him, I land upon his back

  Now come, thick chains that bound me to the post,

  Around his neck, I’ll ride the beastie yet!

  [The nexu approaches Padmé, leaping up the pillar on which she perches.

  NEXU

  The last is mine, and soft her flesh,

  Made for a meal that’s ripe and fresh.

  Come down, and fill my belly up,

  Today on blood-red meat I’ll sup!

  PADMÉ

  Down, wretched beast, with fetters do I strike!

  I’ll teach to thee a lesson of Naboo—

  Come once again and I shall pound thy pate.

  O, agony! The beast hath scratch’d my spine!

  [The nexu tears into Padmé’s back, and she screams.

  NEXU

  First blood is mine, ram boldly I,

  Once more the pillar I shall try.

  NUTE

  Ha, ha! The senator is finish’d soon!

  OBI-WAN

  Mayhap I should this creature not have mock’d,

  For now he comes with stamina renew’d!

  I roll and dive, yet fear I that, perchance,

  His legs of six are four beyond my skill.

  JANGO

  [to Boba:] Watch well, my son, and thou shalt see

  how a Jedi becometh little more than a morsel,

  tender and raw.

  [The reek knocks Anakin from its back as it continues to charge around the arena.

  REEK

  I’ll not be topp’d, thus says the reek,

  This human’s pow’r o’er me is weak,

  I toss him off, and thus he falls,

 

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