by Samah
Once the bout passed, Chirag managed to get Priya to stand straight. Slowly, he walked her to the bathroom. She put the dirty towel next to the sink, and tucked it away from him. She was about to ask him to give her some space so she could clean up but the nausea rose in her again. For the next twenty minutes, Priya threw up uncontrollably. Chirag held her hair back. He tried to knot it but couldn’t.
‘Priya, relax. Just breathe. It’s all out of your system. You’re going to feel much much better,’ he said.
‘The feeling . . . is not going away. I feel . . . sick. I . . .’ Tears ran down her cheeks.
‘Give it some time, you’ll feel better soon. Come on,’ he said, hoisting her up. ‘I’ve been through this. Just breathe.’
He made her sit on the toilet seat and promised to be right back. He found her handbag and plucked the hair clip off the strap.
Inside, he gathered her hair into a bun or something like it and clipped it up. She was sitting with her face in her hands, her elbows on her knees.
He took her to the sink and washed her face. She looked very weak.
He walked her back to the bed, her head on his shoulders, tears streaming down her face. He helped her lie down, then rubbed her palms and feet. Priya wasn’t sure if she was drunk or sick or sleepy. She wasn’t even sure if she was still conscious. Chirag’s fingers felt great on her hands, on her toes.
Once she stopped crying, he went down to fetch some water. Karan and Akhil tried dragging him to the centre of the room. He refused, not mentioning Priya’s condition. The party had grown louder. The floor had become sticky with spilled drinks. He noticed that dinner was laid out on the table. He put some biryani on a plate. Then he picked up a bottle of water and carried everything upstairs.
When Chirag opened the door to their room, he found Priya asleep. She was snoring. He had never heard her snore before. A smile appeared on his lips. He put the food and the water on the bedside table. He washed up and changed into a fresh pair of shorts and a T-shirt. He noticed she was still in her red dress. He went to his backpack and picked out another T-shirt. With some effort, he changed her clothes. Then lying in the middle of their bed, his side almost touching hers, he went to sleep.
* * *
When Priya got up, the room was dark, the curtains drawn. Chirag’s side of the bed was empty. Slowly the details of the previous night started coming back to her. Suddenly, she sat up and got to her feet. The movement disoriented her and with a thud she sat back on the bed. That’s when she noticed her bare legs. That’s when she realized that she was in a T-shirt that didn’t belong to her. How did I get into Chirag’s clothes? Impulsively, Priya smelt it. It smelt of Chirag—a comforting memory.
She felt embarrassed about the mess she had been. She wondered if anyone else knew.
The sound of the bedroom door opening startled her. Someone was peeping inside. Then the door opened wide.
‘You’re up . . . Hi . . . how are you feeling now?’ Chirag asked, walking in.
Priya faintly remembered him doing up her hair in the bathroom. A number of times. Except for the hollowness in her stomach, she felt normal.
‘Fine,’ she said quietly. Then she smiled but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
‘Good. Come for lunch. You must be hungry . . . And even if you’re not, you have to eat something. I’ve kept a tablet and Eno over there. Have it after lunch.’
‘I don’t think I need . . . wait, lunch? What’s the time?’
‘It’s ten to one . . . You slept really well,’ Chirag smiled.
‘What! Shit,’ she said leaping out of bed, and then again realized she was wearing only a T-shirt. It was the most inappropriate time to think how Chirag might have changed her into it. She looked around, trying not to picture it.
‘Uh . . . will you give me the . . .’
‘Yeah, yeah. Take your time,’ he said, shutting the door behind him as he left.
32
The bathroom was clean when she entered it, betraying no trace of the previous night’s debacle. Priya found her dress hanging on a rod, wet in some places. Next to it was the towel she had used, washed and left to dry. She sniffed it. It smelt fine. Fresh tears filled her eyes.
Thirty minutes later Priya walked down the stairs. She entered the living room self-consciously, worried that her friends might know how sick she had got. She hoped Chirag hadn’t told anyone. Everyone greeted her normally. It didn’t seem like they knew. Some people asked her why she had disappeared so early in the night. She was told she had missed Karan and Sakshi’s slow dance, and Akhil’s item number.
They all seemed to move in slow motion, tending to stubborn hangovers.
She watched Chirag as he joked with some friends on the sofa. She wanted to give him a hug. The way he had taken care of her, changed her clothes and washed her things made her want him. All other matters were temporarily suspended.
* * *
By 4 p.m. the pool was crowded again. Some guests had left in the afternoon. Kanika and Neil would leave in sometime too. Priya was back at her spot in the veranda. She tried to read but found it hard to concentrate for more than thirty seconds at a stretch.
Half an hour later, when she saw Chirag leave the pool and head to their room, she followed him. She knocked, nervous but determined.
‘Come in,’ he said, rummaging through his bag, preparing to shower.
Quietly, she sat down on her side of the bed. She didn’t say anything or do anything. She rested her hands on the bed and stared at her feet. Her behaviour caught Chirag’s attention.
‘Are you not feeling okay?’
She didn’t reply.
‘Priya . . .’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, interrupting him.
He walked up to her. ‘Sorry for what?’
‘For last night . . . I mean . . . I didn’t mean to lose self-control like that. I feel pathetic.’
Her apology made him feel pathetic. He had felt responsible for Priya’s state when she got sick. ‘It’s not your fault. In fact, I’m sorry. You were so unwell last night.’
‘I know. I remember. I’m never having tequila again. In fact, I’m never drinking again. It’s not for me.’
‘Relax. No point thinking about it now,’ he said, turning to his bag again. ‘In fact, I would say you had the experience twenty years too late. You haven’t really been young if you haven’t puked out your intestines, right?’ he said removing his shaving kit.
Priya laughed. She watched him amble towards the bathroom carrying his towel, shaving kit and clothes.
‘Chirag,’ she called out when he was just about to enter.
‘Yeah?’ he said and turned around.
‘No, nothing . . . go have your bath,’ she said, looking away.
He let out a loud sigh.
‘Fine,’ he said walking up to her. ‘Look, I know we need to talk. Please don’t think I’m trying to avoid it, but I just don’t want to fight. Priya . . . I . . . I can’t . . . I can’t deal with the shouting and the screaming and the blaming . . . Can we talk it out peacefully? Please.’
‘Yes. Yes, of course. You think I love the shouting and the screaming?’
Yes, Chirag wanted to say but, luckily, didn’t.
Priya continued talking. ‘I want to solve our problems, Chirag, but for that I need your full attention . . . and more than that, your honesty.’
‘Fine, you have it.’
‘So I’m supposed to talk first?’
‘I don’t know . . . Am I? What do you want, Priya? Tell me, what’s the issue?’ Chirag said.
‘You don’t know what the issue is?’ she asked, her eyebrows raised in disbelief.
He sat on the bed. ‘I know . . . I know. It’s Kanika. Look, Priya . . . I know what impression you have . . . but, I swear, the truth is that I had nothing to do with her coming here this weekend.’
Priya’s body tightened. The room felt hot. Kanika’s name had the power to make her nervous.
; ‘I know you had nothing to do with her coming here . . . but . . . she had everything do to with you coming here. Isn’t it? Isn’t she the reason you wanted to come here?’
Chirag let out a long sigh again. This had already happened. No matter what I say she’ll never believe me.
‘Answer me, Chirag. Be honest. I want to hear it from you.’
‘Priya . . .’
‘Just tell me. Yes or no?’
‘Yes . . .’ Chirag said in a small voice and pressed his temples. He caught Priya by her hand when she made an attempt to get up.
‘Yes and no,’ he said, trying to get her to calm down, but she wasn’t listening to him any more.
‘Sit, Priya. I thought we decided to talk this through. Calmly. Please sit.
‘How . . . how can you expect me to be calm? Our marriage is falling apart, Chirag. How can you want her? Over me?’ she asked, fighting back tears.
‘No and no, and no to everything you just said. If you allow me to explain, maybe you’ll be spared the stress you’re putting yourself through.’
Priya slumped on to the bed again, looking pointedly in the other direction, and said, ‘I don’t know what you can possibly say to justify yourself . . . but fine . . . go on. I’m curious.’
‘Thank you,’ Chirag said, withdrawing his hand from hers. ‘Please look at me, Priya’
Reluctantly, she turned.
‘Now listen. I admit I wasn’t interested when you told me about this trip. I’m sorry but I just wasn’t. And the fact is that I was genuinely supposed to have the final meeting this weekend . . . I don’t know how to make you believe me. You can ask someone in the office.’
‘Okay . . . So? You’ve not really made a good case for yourself so far,’ she said.
‘I know . . . just hear me out, please. The next day, I found out the meeting had been pushed. Everyone was going out for the weekend. And when Karan called to convince me to come, I thought why not? The idea of doing nothing at home for three days was tempting, but I knew you really wanted to go and it would be a good change for me too, so I came home and said yes for the plan and . . .’
‘Oh, so that’s it?’ Priya cut in. ‘That’s how it happened? The whole thing. You expect me to believe that you made the decision to come here before you came to know about Kanika?’
‘No. That would be a lie. Let me finish. Okay . . . yes after Karan hung up, he sent me a message, telling me about Kanika. I know you somehow saw that message,’ he said and paused.
Priya’s cheeks reddened. She didn’t like the fact that he knew that she had checked his phone.
‘But Priya, believe me, his message was not in the tone and context you took it in. He wasn’t acting like some messenger informing me of this big secret. He was just sort of . . . I don’t know . . . informing me. Look, he knows about everything, right? He was a part of the past I had with Kanika. And this whole weekend plan was his, and for some stupid reason he invited her and then convinced me to come as well. Maybe after he hung up he realized he should give me the complete picture to avoid any unpleasant surprises later. I don’t know how to explain this . . . okay, think of it this way, if Sakshi’s ex was invited to your party and she was coming, wouldn’t you inform her? Generally, to let her know.’
Priya gave a half-hearted nod but her expression told Chirag that she was assimilating his words. She wasn’t sure if this was really the truth or if Chirag was just playing her but something made her believe him.
‘It’s just like that Priya. He was just informing me as a friend . . . a good friend. Though he’s an idiot for inviting Kanika. All this would not be happening otherwise.’
As Chirag finished, both of them realized what he had said was true. They would not be here at this party, talking through their issues, trying to work things out, had it not been for the whole confusion.
‘Okay, even so,’ Priya said. ‘Even if Karan was just informing you generally . . . that only rules out the possibility that you both aren’t already seeing each other . . . that you aren’t already involved in this. It still doesn’t change the fact that you wanted her . . . want her.’
‘You’re putting it so wrongly ya, Priya,’ Chirag said.
‘How I say it won’t change what it is. You want her and that’s a fact.’
‘I DO NOT WANT HER. Yes . . . okay . . . I was curious when Karan told me she would be coming. Yes, I was more interested in the plan when I got to know she would be there too . . . I’m sorry but I was just curious. I don’t know how to explain this to you. And that’s why I’ve been avoiding this confrontation. Because I know, okay. I get it. How it looks. But believe me it’s nothing like what you’re thinking.’
‘What do you think I’m thinking?’
‘I don’t know . . . like I’m in love with her or something . . . or I want to have an affair with her . . . or meet her secretly. It’s nothing like that.’
‘Then what is it? You wanted to see her. There has to be some reason, right?’
‘I know, but I really don’t know how to explain it, Priya. It’s not as deep a thing as you’re making it out to be. I heard she would be attending the party. It reminded me of a time long gone. I wanted to know how she turned out, how her life turned out. I just . . . I don’t know. I just wanted to see how she was.’
Priya was quiet for a while, working through Chirag’s explanation.
‘Come on, Priya. Say something.’
‘I’m trying to understand your justification.’
‘Yes, please. Please try. And for it to make sense, you have to stop doubting me. You have to believe that I’m telling you the truth. And trust me, Kanika is the last person I would cheat on you with.’
‘Oh, so you would cheat on me?’
‘Oh god, no, man! NO!’
Silence echoed for a few moments.
‘Okay . . . what if you knew that someone from your past, that guy you were seeing briefly . . . he was around somewhere, wouldn’t you be interested in seeing him? In person? To see what became of him . . . how he is now . . . what he did with his life. Wouldn’t you? Just out of curiosity, not love, not attraction, just curiosity.’
Priya entertained the thought for a moment. Would I?
‘I don’t know, Chirag . . . to be honest I may not even care. Jai is such a small and insignificant part of my past. I would probably not be interested . . . I don’t even remember him . . . but yes, I can’t say that for sure based on a hypothetical situation.’
‘Yes . . . you can’t and believe me, you would be curious. It’s only natural.’
‘Okay, even if I agree with what you’re trying to say, me wanting to know about Jai is very, very different from you wanting to meet Kanika. Jai and I don’t have such a huge history between us, you and I both know I was never really in love with him. You, on the other hand, were madly . . .’ Priya said and stopped. She couldn’t continue. It was too scary to say the words out loud. It made them real somehow. The thought of Chirag being in love with someone else was not allowed to exist on its own.
‘Priya, that’s precisely my point. Just imagine if you could be curious about Jai . . . whom you barely knew for what . . . a few months? Then isn’t it understandable for me to be a little curious about Kanika? Come on, Priya, be reasonable. We have a history. But that doesn’t mean I’m interested in her again. You can trust me on this, Priya. Even if we fight for the rest of our lives, I would never want to leave you for anyone. I would never be romantically interested in her . . . in anyone but you.’
She shivered as the tension seeped out of her body. It was as if a tight knot inside her had unravelled. She wasn’t able to say anything. She remained still. Chirag seized the opportunity.
‘Priya . . . I know things have not been the best between us in the last few years but that hasn’t changed the fact that I . . . I still love you,’ he said, a little nervous, a little embarrassed. ‘I always have.’
Something snapped inside her. She held her face and began to cry.
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33
‘Priya . . . Priya . . . Priya! Why are you crying? Everything is fine . . . And even if it’s not, it will be. Please, relax . . . look here . . . look at me,’ Chirag said.
She looked at him, fresh tears filling her eyes. Chirag moved a little closer and put his arms around her. Priya rested her head on his chest. His T-shirt had that same smell. Her breathing became even. Her sobs quieted down.
After they had composed themselves, an awkwardness set in. The room was quiet. Priya’s stomach growled.
‘Did you hear that?’ she asked, embarrassed but smiling. She lifted her head and turned to him.
Chirag laughed. ‘I think even the guys at the pool must have heard that.’
‘You know,’ she said in a tone Aryan usually used for complaining. ‘I wanted to eat that omelette you used to make . . . and . . . and we weren’t even talking. I thought of telling you but you were being such a jerk! Then I made it the other day,’ she said, as if this were a sensational sob story. ‘And it was so bad!’ She started to cry again.
‘Do you put ginger in it?’ she asked seriously, wiping her tears.
Chirag could not stop himself from laughing. He laughed and laughed as all his worry deserted him. Priya looked at him in surprise at first, and then found herself joining in.
She wiped her eyes as the bout of laughter ended. ‘What went wrong with us, Chirag?’ she asked, her face serious again, looking expectantly at him.
He considered her question for a moment or two.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. He held her shoulders and pulled her closer again. ‘We . . . we lost each other somewhere. In our daily lives . . . we just started ignoring each other. Especially after Aryan was born, you became so obsessive and even I didn’t . . .’
‘Excuse me?’ Priya said. ‘Obsessive? What do you mean, obsessive?’
‘No, no, you know, as in with Aryan and everything . . . you know what I mean,’ Chirag said quickly, kicking himself mentally for his poor choice of words.
The look on her face made it clear that a new fight had been picked. He couldn’t see a way to get out of this one.