by C. M. King
“You can’t say that, you don’t know,” I whimpered, feeling the first tear begin to fall.
Ryan’s scowl softened, watching me slowly break apart. “Iz, you have to move on and live your life, Joel has. You have to accept it.”
“I’ll never accept it,” I said defiantly. My heart would never allow me to. Only Joel and I knew what we shared, what we had been through to achieve the love most others desperately searched for all their lives.
“Please choose me. I could make you so happy. I’m falling for you, Iz, please give me a chance.” His words sent a shiver through me.
“I can’t,” I finally choked out.
“Can’t or won’t?”
I hesitated momentarily and the next thing Ryan pushed me against the wall, pressing his lips against mine. For a second I responded, but it was all wrong. In my head I wanted it to be Joel, not Ryan.
I pushed him back off me. “What the fuck, Ryan?”
“You felt something I know you did,” he almost snarled.
“You’re wrong, I’ll never look at you in that way and forcing yourself on me isn’t going to change matters.” How dare he? After all that I had just said, he was now forcing me to feel something that just wasn’t there.
“You’re lying, I felt it.” He stepped back, but his eyes never left mine, scrutinising my face for any sign, but he was wrong.
“I felt nothing. I’m sorry I know you want to hear different, but I don’t have feelings for you, friendship is all I can offer.” My words trailed off, watching his look of horror at the realisation I wasn’t about to change my mind
“I can’t do this anymore, Iz.” He ran his hands through his hair in agitation as he began pacing in front of me while I stood there cemented to the ground.
“Ryan, please . . .” I pleaded. He was my friend and I knew I had hurt him, but I still cared for him. My heart was aching watching his pain in front of me.
His eyes flashed to mine. “No, you can’t just play with my heart like this.”
“I never meant to hurt you, Ryan,” I whispered, my words barely audible.
“But you did, you fucking hurt me more than you’ll ever know!”
“Ryan . . .” I pleaded.
“No, I’m done. I thought if I gave it a while you’d start to see me, to fall for me, but you’re stuck mourning a guy that doesn’t even want you. He left, Iz, and you need to realise it once and for all he isn’t coming back!”
His words sent a surge of anger through me. How fucking dare he say that! “You’re wrong. Shut up, Ryan. You don’t know what we had. Stop talking about him like you know him. I can’t help the way I feel.”
“You don’t even try. You love the misery, I think at times you welcome it.” His eyes dropped down, almost realising the impact his words would have on me.
“Fuck you, Ryan! Do you even know what it’s like to have your heart ripped out? To lose the person you love the most, to wake up every day to a huge gaping hole. Yeah, I just fucking love being this broken, it’s the highlight of my day to drag everyone down with my misery,” I sobbed, as my body shook with anger and tears.
“Iz, I just meant . . .”
“I don’t fucking care what you meant, the truth has finally come out. I thought you were a friend, I was obviously wrong.” So wrong, I couldn’t believe he could say something so cruel.
“Friends don’t dangle a person on a string and give them false hope.”
My eyes bore deep into his. “What false hope? We hung out. It’s you that blew this all up in your head.”
“You led me on,” he whispered.
“Oh fuck you!”
“You did, you made me believe something was happening.” He rubbed his hands down his face in irritation.
“I told you enough times this was just friendship.”
He snorted. “Yeah, well at times you didn’t act like it.”
My eyes snapped to his. “Like what? When did I ever act differently?”
“The signals you gave me.”
“Are all in your head,” I shouted in annoyance.
“I know what I saw,” he retorted.
“Oh, this is pointless, we’re getting nowhere.” I threw my hands up and began to pace. The agitation bubbled through my veins. We were just going around in circles.
“Couldn’t have put it better myself. I’m done, Iz. I can’t just be friends, I want more. I hoped you did, but that’s no longer the case.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. I never meant to hurt you,” I murmured. It was the last thing I wanted to do.
“But you did . . .” he snarled, making me jump.
I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” I whispered, running off not even looking back, his face would haunt me. The heavens opened up at that exact moment mingling with my own tears. I barely noticed the cold rain hammering against my skin, I was too numb already to even care.
What had I done?
Why had I let him kiss me?
But the moment he touched me I knew it was wrong, so wrong. My body had instantly rejected him, reminding me exactly where my heart truly lay. His kiss just left me cold. He wasn’t Joel, even if I closed my eyes and pretended every fibre of my being still would react the same. My body would only ever respond to Joel’s touch, it was pointless thinking any different. Now everything was in tatters, Ryan hated me. Despite my constant reminders that we were just good friends, I wasn’t so naïve to know I was a part of certain triggers that had swayed his mind into convincing himself I wanted more. Our friendship was over, it was done, and the ache inside my heart was there to prove it.
Chapter 6 – Betrayal
Swiping away the rain from my face along with my tears, I ran up the driveway grateful to see both Mike’s and my mother’s cars were missing. I didn’t have the energy to disguise my agitated state.
I rushed up the stairs, stripping myself of my sodden clothes that clung to me like a second skin, leaving a trail behind me. I reached for the dial, feeling the warmth seep through my pores, as the bathroom instantly filled up with steam. The hot spray felt like heaven against my goose-bumped skin, my teeth continued chattering till the water slowly defrosted the ice inside my veins. I quickly washed and towel dried both my hair and body. Grabbing some sweats and a jumper from my drawer, I pulled back the duvet, diving under cocooning myself off from the rest of the world.
The tears fell at the thought of Ryan, hurting him in such a way that was unforgiveable. Oh god, his face when he saw my look of horror. I pushed mine deeper into the pillow as my sobs grew louder. I didn’t want to lose Ryan over this. He’d become such a great friend, one who’d slowly brought me back to life. His humour, his infectious smile was the one chink of light to brighten the darkness of my day.
My phone bleeped breaking me out of my crying haze. I instinctively grabbed it, hoping to see Ryan’s name, my face dropped when I saw Elijah’s.
Hey you, I just got a message from Ryan saying he’s done. Do you know what that means?
A fresh sob broke free. I’d ruined everything. My hand shook as I quickly typed out my reply.
He kissed me
He what?!?!? I’m ringing you!!!
I groaned not feeling up to an interrogation at this moment in time. I peered down at my screen, my battery on low warning. I rolled out of bed searching for my charger. After a quick scan of my room, I’d still not got any closer. I quickly typed out a text and headed to Mike’s room where I’d no doubt find it.
Bursting through his door I almost broke my neck tripping over a rogue trainer lying strewn across the floor. Seriously his room was like a bloody death trap. I grabbed it in frustration, throwing it hard across the room, no longer caring I’d brought down a few of his precious trophies along with it.
His phone was hooked up to my charger, which was strange. He would never normally let the damn thing out of his sight. It was Wednesday, so he’d be at football practice and a quick scan of my watch told me he’d be back shortly. I pulled the cord fre
e from his phone, watching the screen come to life, but what I wasn’t expecting was whose name appeared on it.
My legs buckled as I stumbled backwards in shock, falling onto the bed. My hand shook while my eyes stayed transfixed on the screen. My mind not mentally able to process just what was there in front of me.
I blinked several times in confusion.
Was I seeing things?
This couldn’t be real?
Mike had sworn blind over and over he’d had no contact with Joel. There were times I’d cried so hard, begging with every breath in my body, but he’d always said the same thing. Yet here in front of me was proof of his deceit, a message from Joel on Mike’s phone.
Liar.
My body shook with anger. He’d watched me become a ghost of myself. For months I’d barely functioned, barely existed while he held information that would have changed everything. He held the key to my happiness, but chose to bury it for his own selfish reasons.
I lifted the phone nearer, clicking on the screen. I hesitated for a few moments, taking a deep breath before opening the message.
Hey Mike, I haven’t heard from you in a while and you never replied to my last text, but I need an update on Iz. I just want to know how she’s doing. Please, Mike, you owe me that much.
A tear rolled down my cheek at Joel’s words of concern, closing the text I proceeded to scroll through all the previous ones, shaking in anger at Mike’s lies he had been relaying back to Joel.
She’s happy. She’s moved on. She’s seeing someone new.
Liar.
I wasn’t happy. I was a shadow of myself, only doing the bare minimum to keep existing. How fucking dare he do all of this behind my back! I wanted to beat him until there was no breath left in my body. Mike was a dead man walking, but my thoughts returned to Joel, and my anger soon subsided remembering his pained words of concern. He hadn’t moved on either, almost sounding frantic to know how I was.
He still cared. He still loved me.
I quickly forwarded the messages to my phone, and after a moment of hesitation, I took a deep breath and clicked on the call button.
Hearing the ringing tone made my heart beat faster, almost to a drum roll. I was certain I was about to go into some form of cardiac arrest and then the line connected. My breath hitched as blood pumped loudly in my ears, my body anxiously waiting to hear the voice that haunted my dreams.
“Hey, Mike, nice surprise. Thanks for calling me back.”
My breath hitched hearing his soft, silky tone. My body started to shake uncontrollably, my mind screaming that this could not be real. It couldn’t be.
Tears continued to flow as Joel continued with his apology, while I stood frozen in complete silence, learning more about my brother’s lies.
“So how is she, Mike? You said you would keep me updated, you know it was one of the conditions for staying away.”
What?
The air left my lungs as the truth began to unfold.
“Mike, are you there?” he asked, the desperation in his voice finally bringing me to my senses.
I had to speak, but no words would come out. Tears streamed down my face as the silence became more and more excruciating.
I had to be brave. I had to do this.
“It’s not Mike,” I finally whispered.
His breath hitched as the line went dead for several seconds. I swallowed slowly trying to lubricate my throat, willing my body not to shut down and go into complete shock.
“Izzy.” His voice sounded almost strained as a giant sob left me listening to the words I never thought I’d hear ever again.
“Yes, it’s me, Joel.” I waited several moments for him to compose himself from the initial shock of hearing my voice. “Joel, is this really you? Or am I dreaming right now?”
Several moments passed before he spoke. “It’s me,” he said softly.
“Oh god, Joel,” I sobbed. “Why did you leave me? For four months I’ve been going out of my head with worry. I loved you with all my heart, and yet you broke it in two. Why? All I ever wanted, needed was you and you took it all away the moment you walked out the door.” My voice cracked as I descended into one giant sob, my voice no longer recognisable as all the pain came flooding out.
“I’m sorry, god, Iz, please don’t cry. I just . . . I wasn’t in a great place. I regretted it the moment I left, but I knew in my heart it was the best thing to do. I had to go to save you from myself.”
My sobs grew louder, his words overwhelming me, hearing the selfless sacrifice he’d made in putting me first.
“Shhh Iz, baby, don’t cry.” I could already hear his voice was thick with emotion. “I left to give you a better life to meet someone who doesn’t have all this baggage, someone who is actually worthy of your love.”
“But it’s you I love, Joel, only you. Don’t you get it? I never moved on, I’ve just been existing these past four months, praying each day you’d return, that you’d finally come back. How is that a better life?”
His loud gasp of surprise told me he was more than shocked by my words. “But Mike said you’d moved on, that you’d met someone, that you were happy. I wanted to come back. God, I had to stop myself so many times. It was a constant battle to stay away.” He let out a loud sigh of frustration. “You were always in my thoughts, you tortured me, I never had a moment of peace. It hurt like hell when Mike told me you’d started seeing someone, but a part of me was relieved you’d got to that place I knew I’d never reach. I wanted you to move on, even if it meant breaking my own heart.”
“But I never moved on. I’m only now learning the lies Mike fed you. I was never more than friends with Ryan, and Mike knew that. He lied to us both, my own fucking brother. Do you know there were times when I cried and begged him for any kind of information? He watched me slowly waste away in front of his own eyes and never did a damn thing about it. I hate him, and I will never speak to him again after this.”
He blew out a soft sigh at my words of anger. “Iz, he’s your brother, he was just looking out for you.”
What? He was okay with this? He was justifying Mike’s actions?
“Don’t you dare make excuses for him! How the fuck is he looking out for me? Betraying his only sister in the worst way ever.” The last of my words caught in my throat. In the past Mike and I had had a strained relationship, we rarely saw eye to eye, but to actually put me through all this hurt and pain, knowing he could have changed all that. He hurt me more than he would ever know. I doubt we could ever come back from this. As far as I was concerned I no longer had a brother.
“Shhh baby, calm down. I don’t want to come between you and your family.”
“Where are you, Joel? I’m packing a bag and catching the next train tonight.”
He let out a loud sigh, and his hesitation made my breath hitch.
Did he not want to tell me?
Panic inside ripped right through me, sending me over the edge. “Tell me, Joel, or so help me I will track your phone. I’m not spending another night without you.” I heard a soft chuckle and felt slightly annoyed he found humour in my words of desperation.
“Calm down, Izzy, you don’t have to go all James Bond and spy on me. I’m at Robert’s.”
“But . . . but I went to see him, to find out if he knew where you were, he swore blind he didn’t.”
Had he lied the whole time?
He definitely had the best poker face as he had certainly fooled me. I thought I could trust him; he seemed genuine enough. The thought alone saddened me that I’d been deceived yet again by someone I thought trustworthy.
“Iz, I only moved here a few weeks ago. I’ve been moving around, not tying myself down anywhere. I just needed someone familiar. I rang Robert, and he offered me a room and helped to get me a job in his local pub.”
“Did he tell you I’d been to see him?” I bit my nail, wondering just how much of the conversation he had relayed back to him.
“Yes, he gave me a long lectu
re on treating you bad, told me I was an idiot for throwing what we had away. He understands my demons though, so he eventually eased up.” His voice trailed off into a whisper like he wasn’t about to elaborate any further.
“I want to understand too. Please, Joel let me in. Let me love every part of you. I’ll never judge you, all you’ll ever know is my love.”
The line went quiet and my stomach clenched, the silence reflecting the misery he had gone through over the past few months. He took an age to answer, in my head I began to panic thinking he’d hung up before finally he spoke.
“I want to, Iz, but . . .”
“No buts, Joel. I told you from the start you were my happily ever after, in my heart I still believe that to be true. We’ve had a blip, but nothing has changed. It’s you, it will only ever been you.”
“I love you too, Iz, there’s never been anyone else. I stayed true to you, to us. I swore there would never be anyone else, and I kept my promise.”
I let out a loud sigh of relief, my hand instinctively grabbing the ring on the chain around my neck. I spotted Mike’s computer in the background and knew where I needed to be. I quickly brought up the train times, noting there would be one in an hour.
Perfect.
“Joel, I’m catching the next train in an hour’s time, I’ll ring you and let you know that I’m on it.”
“Iz, I don’t want you travelling up here, please. I’m in the middle of a shift, I’ll come to see you tomorrow, I promise.”
Tears pricked my eyes. I couldn’t survive another moment without him. I needed to be with him now. I could be there in just a matter of hours and that was the only thing appeasing me right now.
“No, I’m packing and catching the train. I’m not spending another night without you, I can’t . . . I won’t.”
My focus was immediately broken the moment the front door slammed. “Fuck,” I said loudly. My heart beginning to beat faster.
“Iz, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”