She sat down on the very edge of the chair. It struck Joel that she might be just as scared as he was.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she said, studying her hands.
Joel immediately looked at his.
Silence.
What can I say if she doesn’t know what to say? Joel thought. He’d stopped staring at her now. He was embarrassed instead. He glanced surreptitiously at her as she studied her hands.
He’d always imagined that this occasion would be full of joy. When he met his mum at long last. Not a time for stares and embarrassment.
All the pictures he’d imagined had been a waste of time. Nothing had turned out as he’d expected.
He kept on looking surreptitiously at her. All the time looking for similarities. Her hair was soft and curly. Not tufty like his. Her eyes were blue, the same as his. But she was small in stature. And thin. In a way, she was like Samuel.
Then it occurred to Joel that she was also pretty. If Jenny Rydén really was his mum, he’d been lucky. He had a good-looking mother. The question now was whether she wanted a son looking like Joel.
At that moment she looked up from her hands.
‘I don’t know what I should say. But I suppose I ought to say I’m sorry.’
Her eyes were moist, Joel got a lump in his throat immediately.
She stood up and turned her back on him. She took a handkerchief out of her handbag. Joel recognised it from the previous night.
She turned round again. Now she was smiling. Joel could see that her teeth where white and regular. Not like his own, that seemed to point in various directions.
‘I wish Samuel was here,’ she said. ‘But at the same time, I’m glad he’s not.’
She sat down on the chair again. And looked at him. All the time she was slowly shaking her head.
Joel broke into a sweat. She doesn’t like me, he thought. She’d expected something completely different.
That made him feel angry. He didn’t know where the anger came from, but he had no say in the matter. He suddenly wanted to tell her about how it had been. All those years. All those thoughts, dreams, fantasies.
She interrupted his train of thought.
‘You are so big,’ she said. ‘But you were so little then.’
‘It was Elinor who sent Samuel a letter,’ said Joel. ‘But we couldn’t find a grocer’s shop.’
‘I stopped working there when it closed down,’ she said. ‘But how did you manage to find me at Autumn Light?’
Joel shrugged. But he said nothing.
‘When Arne came and told me you’d been there, I couldn’t understand what he was talking about. I thought he was making it up. But when he said that you spoke with a northern accent, I realised it must be you. No matter how unlikely it seemed. And he remembered the name of the hotel. The Raven. So I rang. And now I’m here.’
‘I’ve just left school,’ said Joel. ‘It was that letter from Elinor. Samuel thought we ought to come here. So that I could find out what you looked like.’
He regretted that last sentence the moment he’d said it. But she wasn’t annoyed. Instead, she stood up.
‘Can’t we go out? It’s so hot in here. And I want to talk to you on your own, before Samuel comes back. I don’t even know if I want to see him.’
‘Why not?’
‘I don’t know. So much of this is hard to cope with.’
‘I think he wants to see you.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’
She shook her head again.
‘Let’s go out,’ she said.
Joel looked at the Celestine.
‘This is for you,’ he said. ‘From Samuel as well.’
He pointed.
‘I remember that,’ she said slowly. ‘It was in the kitchen.’
‘Yes,’ said Joel. ‘It’s always been on the kitchen wall. And it’s for you.’
He produced the cardboard box they’d kept it in, that had been stashed away under the bed.
‘It’s for you,’ he said again.
‘Why should it be for me?’
‘We couldn’t think of a better present for you,’ said Joel. ‘Samuel thought you should have an elk steak. But I didn’t agree. And so this is what we agreed on.’
‘An elk steak?’
‘Yes – but to get one at this time of year Samuel would have had to go poaching.’
She burst out laughing.
‘Nobody but Samuel would ever have thought of an elk steak,’ she said. ‘Nobody but him.’
Joel wasn’t sure how he ought to interpret what she had said. Was it positive or negative? He didn’t know.
She suddenly took hold of his arm. It was the first time she’d touched him. The first time he’d felt her hand. He’d been so little all that time ago that he had no memories of it at all.
It also made him feel a bit scared. Was this really his mother, standing there in front of him? This Jenny Rydén? Or could it be somebody just pretending to be his mum?
‘There’s such a lot I’d like to explain,’ she said. ‘I don’t know where to start. And I don’t even know if I can.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ said Joel. ‘That’s life.’
‘That’s what Samuel used to say: “That’s life.”’
Joel seemed to recall that it was really Geegee who’d said that. But perhaps it was something everybody said when they were grown up.
That’s life.
She was still holding on to his arm, and more or less whisked him to the door. She was holding the cardboard box in her other hand.
‘I can carry that for you,’ said Joel.
She gave him the box.
Joel locked the door. Jenny Rydén pressed the button for the lift.
I’m about to travel in a lift with my mum, Joel thought. If the lift crashes and we’re killed, at least I’ll have met her. Assuming she really is my mum.
‘Why are you called Rydén?’ he asked.
The words just came tumbling out of his mouth. He ought to have bars there, just in front of his teeth, to prevent words from jumping out whenever they felt like it.
‘My maiden name was Nilsson. Then I married a man whose surname was Rydén. I’m divorced now. But I’ve hung on to the name.’
It seemed to Joel that it was a good thing she was divorced. That meant there wasn’t a man waiting for her to come home to the flat she lived in.
But it also struck him that he had just acquired two sisters. Always assuming that what the agitated man in the changing room had told him was true.
‘Arne said that you had two daughters.’
‘Maria and Eva. Maria’s ten, and Eva’s nine.’
‘Was Rydén their father?’
‘Yes.’
They stepped into the lift. Joel could see in the mirror that his hair was all over the place.
They found themselves looking at each other in the same mirror.
The eyes, Joel thought. That’s where we’re similar. We have the same eyes. And we don’t like talking on the phone.
He tried to work out what it meant, having just acquired two sisters. Two younger sisters. He’d suddenly become a big brother.
Everything was happening too quickly. He didn’t think he could keep up.
The lift stopped.
Joel handed in his key at reception.
‘We won’t be away long,’ said Jenny Rydén. ‘In case his dad rings.’
‘We still haven’t heard anything from the hospital,’ said the bald man.
They stepped out into the street.
Jenny Rydén was serious now.
‘Is Samuel ill?’
‘He had a stomachache.’
‘Is that why you came to Stockholm?’
‘No. But he started having stomach pains last night.’
‘I hope it’s nothing serious.’
So do I, Joel thought. But he didn’t say anything.
They went to a park with lots of lawns, lots of gravel path
s, and lots of benches. Jenny asked if he wanted anything to eat or drink. But he said no.
It was clear to Joel that he wasn’t the only one having trouble in thinking of what to say. She was in the same boat.
It’s not simply a case of me finding my mum. She’s just found her son as well.
They eventually selected a bench to sit on. They put the box containing Celestine between them.
She gave the impression of bracing herself before making a big effort.
‘It was so cold,’ she said. ‘The winters were so cold, and the nights so long, and there was so much darkness and so much forest. There was so much ice, and so many people who never said anything. And nothing to do. I thought I was going mad. In the end, I couldn’t take any more. I just packed a suitcase and left.’
‘You had a green coat,’ said Joel.
‘Yes. I had a green coat. And all the time I kept thinking that what I was doing was absolutely wrong. That I ought to have taken you with me, at least. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t take you away from Samuel.’
That was something that had never occurred to Joel. The possibility of her taking him with her. If she had, he’d have grown up in Stockholm. With a step-father called Rydén. And two younger sisters.
Is that what he would have wanted?
He knew the answer to that. Nothing would have been able to make him want to do without Samuel. Despite the fact that he’d always been forced to be his own mum.
‘I’ve always been meaning to get in touch with you,’ said Jenny. ‘Write you a letter. Pay you a visit. But I’ve never managed it. Because I didn’t dare.’
Joel couldn’t understand why anybody wouldn’t dare to send a letter. He had posted lots of letters, with stamps on the envelopes that he’d drawn himself. And he’d made up the addresses.
But he didn’t say anything. Just now it seemed to make more sense for him to listen.
‘But now you’ve come,’ she said, taking hold of his arm again.
It seemed to Joel that this Jenny Rydén was extremely nervous.
He wondered if he would ever be able to bring himself to call her ‘mum’.
But maybe that wasn’t necessary. He could call her Jenny.
‘I have to get back to Autumn Light,’ she said. ‘I only have a couple of hours off.’
That was a relief as far as Joel was concerned.
They went back to the hotel and said goodbye in the street outside. She held on to both his arms. Joel found that a bit embarrassing. He thought that people passing by were staring at him.
‘Say hello to Samuel,’ she said. ‘I want to meet him as well now. Seeing as I’ve discovered that you are not dangerous.’
She let go of his arms and took a step backwards.
‘It’s amazing, how big you are.’
‘What was wrong with Samuel?’
She didn’t hear his question. He’d mumbled it. And he didn’t repeat it.
She took a pen and a piece of paper from her handbag. She noted down her telephone number.
‘Ring me this evening. Then we can meet tomorrow. I have the whole day off.’
‘I don’t know how long we’ll be staying here,’ said Joel.
But he’d still been mumbling. Or she hadn’t heard what he said again. And she didn’t ask.
Then she left.
Joel watched her go.
Jenny Rydén.
When he came to reception, he was told that there was still no message from Samuel. Joel was starting to get seriously worried now. But the bald man urged him to be patient. Joel was given his key. He was hungry. But he had no desire to eat on his own yet again. When he came to his room he lay down on Samuel’s bed and learned Jenny Rydén’s telephone number off by heart. Then he tore the bit of paper into little pieces and threw them into the wastepaper basket.
He looked at the table. Where the Celestine had been standing.
Jenny Rydén, he thought. Joel Rydén. But he backed away from that thought double quick. His name was Gustafson. Nothing else. Thoughts were racing around inside his head. What was it she’d said when they’d been sitting on the park bench? That there’d been too much forest?
He took a deep breath, and sighed. How could you abandon your son simply because there’d been too much forest?
There was so much he didn’t understand, it wasn’t even worth trying to do so.
He closed his eyes.
Now he could see MS Karmas again. Out at sea somewhere. Captain Joel Gustafson is on the bridge. They’re sailing in tropical waters. Dolphins are jumping alongside the ship. Another ship is approaching. He adjusts his telescope and sees that it is a Swedish cargo boat. He zooms in on the bows and sees that the ship’s name is MS Jenny.
He sat up. Why had there been no word from Samuel? Why was it taking so long?
He went down to reception. The bald man shook his head. Joel asked to borrow the telephone directory. There were two of them for Stockholm. After a lot of effort he succeeded in finding the Seamen’s Employment Exchange, and noted down the address. He found it on the map. It was quite close by. He checked the time. If he got a move on, he might be able to get there before they closed.
When he emerged into the street, he was like everybody else.
He was in a hurry.
They were still open. He opened the door of the Seamen’s Employment Exchange and went inside. The walls were covered in notices advertising various vacant jobs. A woman was sitting at a desk, filling in a football pools coupon.
‘I’d like a seaman’s discharge book, please.’
‘Are you fifteen?’ the woman asked.
‘Yes.’
She passed him some papers for him to fill in.
‘Two photographs,’ she said.
Then she gave him yet another sheet of paper.
‘The address of your doctor, please.’
‘Is there no charge for this?’
‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch,’ she said, continuing to fill in her football coupon. Joel hoped she wouldn’t win anything.
Then he sat down at a table and filled in all the papers. The next day he would go to a photographer’s. And to a doctor. Then he would be able to collect his seaman’s discharge book.
As he made his way back to the hotel, he found himself unable to hold back his hunger any longer. He stopped at the café he’d eaten at previously. This time he didn’t recognise the waitress who tossed a menu in his direction. He chose the casserole known as Sailor’s Beef.
When he got back to the hotel, the bald man nodded in greeting.
‘Has Samuel rung?’
‘He’s in your room.’
Joel raced up the stairs. He was forced to pause outside the door and get his breath back. Then he opened it.
Samuel was sitting on the chair by the window. Just like Jenny Rydén, he was studying his hands. He was still very pale.
‘Where’s Celestine?’ he asked tentatively.
‘I’ll tell you later,’ said Joel. ‘What did they have to say at the hospital? Are you still in pain?’
‘It’s all over now. I’ve got medicine.’
‘You must be feeling pleased, then?’
‘Of course I am.’
Joel looked doubtfully at Samuel. He didn’t seem the slightest bit pleased.
‘What did they do?’
‘What do you mean, do?’
‘At the hospital. The doctors.’
‘There was only one. And it took a damned long time before he turned up.’
‘What did he say?’
‘That I have to go back again tomorrow morning.’
‘Eh? Are you supposed to report back to the hospital tomorrow morning? But you’re not in pain any more.’
‘They want to take some more tests.’
‘Blood tests?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘To be on the safe side.’
‘But you’re not in pain any longer?’
Samuel
sighed.
‘They want to find out for certain what’s wrong with me. So as to make sure that it doesn’t come back again.’
A particular thought had gradually started belting on all the doors inside Joel’s head. But he didn’t want to let it out. He was resisting for as long as he could. But in the end, he couldn’t keep it out any longer. The thought forced itself out of Joel’s head.
Samuel is very ill. He might be going to die.
Joel took a deep breath. Samuel looked at him.
‘I’m not allowed to eat anything today. They want to make their tests on an empty stomach.’
‘I’ve already eaten.’
‘What else have you been up to today?’
‘Nothing.’
‘The bloke downstairs in reception says that you’ve had a lady visitor.’
‘You must have misheard him.’
‘He said you went out with a female person who came to visit you.’
Joel wondered where to start.
But he didn’t need to wonder for long. Samuel came to his rescue.
‘The Celestine has vanished,’ he said slowly. ‘And I can’t imagine you giving her to anybody but your mum.’
Joel waited anxiously for what was coming next.
‘I’m right, aren’t I?’
Joel nodded.
Then he started to tell Samuel what had happened.
9
Just for once, Joel told the full story, exactly as it had happened.
He left nothing out. Samuel was able to relive the whole thing, from the moment when Joel slipped out of the hotel door. He told his dad how he’d stood in the shadows outside the building where she lived, how the door had opened and a woman wearing a green coat had come out.
Samuel listened in astonishment. When Joel got to the point where he’d been standing in the changing room holding the open handbag and the door suddenly opened, Samuel seemed to give a start.
He’s with me, Joel thought. He understands exactly what it felt like.
But Joel didn’t say anything about his visit to the Seamen’s Employment Exchange. He thought that might be too much for Samuel to take – he still looked very pale.
As Joel told his story, he kept thinking over and over again that Samuel really was very ill. But he brushed the thought aside. Stowed it away in a corner of his mind.
The Journey to the End of the World (Joel Gustafson Stories) Page 9