The Beat and The Pulse Box Set 1

by Amity Cross

  “It’s just…how much loss and abandonment can one person take before they lose hope?”

  Josie sat beside me again and wound an arm around my waist. “I don’t know where you came from Ren Miller, but you’re the strongest woman I know. And you know I don’t say shit like that without meaning it. I think if you don’t go see him now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  What would I even say? Hell, what would I find when I got there?

  Ash was the strongest man I ever knew. If he was as broken as Violet said, would that change my opinion of him? I wanted to see him as the same man who’d come into Beat and took me out there on those mats. He took me and made me his and I made him mine. What if I went there and there was no hope of making him mine again? What if it was too late?

  What if what he said to me that night was true? That he didn’t love me. That he couldn’t...

  God, what was I supposed to do?

  10

  Ash

  I thought I was a god that nobody could touch. I was unbeatable.

  I was wrong.

  If I could hear her voice...if I could just hear it, I’d beg for her to tell me everything was okay. Then I’d be able to make my heart beat again. Then I’d be able to tell her I loved her. That I’d do anything…anything…to make things better.

  I let Hammer live, but I died instead.

  11

  Ren

  I thought long and hard about what Josie said.

  I had been living in denial all this time. I hated Ash for leaving me, but he had his reasons and it was time to hear them from the man himself. Confrontation never sat well with me. Not the physical kind, I was good at that part, it was the emotional kind I had trouble with. Forgiveness was something I hadn’t come to terms with yet.

  Somewhere along the line, I’d forgiven my dad, but if I sat there and thought about the exact moment where things had changed, I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint it. Is that what Ash and I needed? Time? That was all well and good, but I had to confront him first and who knew how that would go down. Who would come apart first? Me, most likely.

  Last night I’d looked up the address on the piece of paper Violet had given me on the office computer. Like a cliché for the rich with dirty money won from underground fighting, it was a house in Toorak. It was the rich part of town, full of inner city mansions with high fences and double stories and yards that were referred to as ‘grounds’. It was yet another thing I didn’t know about Ash Fuller and another hole in my heart.

  I’d caught a train and a tram through the city, the whole time wondering if I was really doing the right thing. It might be the right thing by Ash, but was it right for me?

  I got off at the closest stop and walked through the streets of million dollar plus homes, my stomach churning. Did he know I was coming? Had Violet told him about her visit to Beat? Did he even want me there?

  When I finally stood outside the house, I couldn’t help my mouth from gaping even though I’d had an idea of what I was in for. It looked like a fucking mansion with its two stories, wide driveway and manicured garden. There was a security gate with a button and I came to a stop beside it, suddenly freezing. After everything Ash and I had been through I was afraid now?

  It’s just a button, press it.

  Deep down I knew if I stayed away there would be this tiny spark of hope that one day we’d find our way back to one another. But if I confronted him now…then that spark might sputter and die. Ash told me once that he wasn’t afraid of anything. Was he afraid of this? Because I sure as fuck was.

  Sucking it up, I slammed my finger on the button.

  “Hello?” came a female voice through the intercom.

  “Violet?” I asked, my voice sounding small and far away. “It’s Ren…”

  “Hang on,” she immediately came back with and then the gate buzzed as she unlocked it from inside the house.

  I shoved the gate open and let it slam closed behind me. The garden was lush and well looked after. A huge green lawn spread around the house and flowerbeds with little box hedges and cottage flowers adorned the house itself and the edges of the driveway and path that lead up to the front door.

  My gaze latched onto Violet, who’d come to greet me. She was standing half in and half out of the house, wearing a little floral dress and cardigan with bare feet. Sometimes people took a little sunshine way out of proportion.

  “Ren,” she called out, gesturing me up the path.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I made my way up to the house to meet her and get this over and done with. She stepped aside to let me in and as soon as the door closed behind me, I felt the walls closing in. I could still turn around and get out of here; I could still take it back… Curling my fingers into hard fists, I squashed down my fear.

  I glanced around the posh foyer, feeling totally out of place. It was half the size of the house Mum and I had rented and at least ten times that of my room back at Beat.

  “I wasn’t sure if you were coming,” Violet said with an apologetic smile.

  “Neither was I.”

  She shuffled nervously and asked, “Do you want a drink?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “He’s upstairs,” she said after a moment.

  “Does he know you came to see me?”

  Violet shook her head, looking sheepish. “He was pretty angry with me when I got back. I didn’t think it was a good idea. I don’t leave the house often you see. Not after everything that happened…it frightens me a little.”

  “Oh…” I was sure I was meant to comfort her or say something nice, but I wasn’t sure what to do.

  “You can go see him if you want.”

  I glanced over her shoulder at the stairs and desperately tried to think of something to say that would stall. “How is he? You said he was struggling…”

  “The doctor put him on medication,” she said, eyeing me. Probably watching for my reaction.

  “Medication for what?”

  “His anger, depression…he was going out of his mind being stuck in here. Things just…snowballed.” She sounded regretful, like she hadn’t agreed with the doctor’s opinion.

  “And has it helped?”

  She shrugged. “Yes and no. He’s pretty out of it most of the time. If he’s not asleep, he’s in the gym. The medication makes him confused.”

  “Confused? So, it’s not working?”

  “I don’t want him on it,” she replied. “But being here without an outlet…he couldn’t cope. They’re going to re-evaluate when his sentence is over.”

  “And when’s that?”

  “About five months. They gave him a year.”

  A year. It didn’t sound that long in the grand scheme of things, but five minutes was too long for a man like Ash. How the hell had he coped with four years in prison?

  “Please,” Violet said. “Go see him. I know he wants to see you…”

  “Has he said that? Because if he wanted to he would’ve called...”

  “Not in so many words, but—”

  “Then how do you know?”

  “He’s my brother, Ren. We’re close. Always have been. I know when he’s trying to be a stupid pigheaded asshole.”

  I snorted. They were close? So close he hadn’t bothered telling me about her…

  “Upstairs,” she said. “Third on the right.”

  Grunting, I spun on my heel and ventured out into the hallway, more to get away from Violet’s pleading than anything else. I forced myself to climb the stairs, one step at a time, my fingers tightening on the bannister. He was in this house, meters away from me. I wanted to go to him, but I wanted to run away, all at the same time.

  Slinking down the hall, my stomach churned. The third door on the right was closed. I had no idea what I wanted to say.

  I cracked the door open, turning the handle as quietly as I could. I just wanted to see first…I just wanted to see him before he saw me. The door glided inwards and I peered through the openin
g into the bedroom. His bedroom.

  I didn’t see anything at first; it was like the room was empty. If it wasn’t for the covers all messed up on the bed, I would’ve thought he wasn’t there at all. It smelt like Ash…all musky and male and memories that I’d been trying to forget slammed into my brain like a sledgehammer. My head swam with thoughts of him and my fingertips began to tingle with the memory of his skin against mine. Fuck.

  A large set of windows took up most of the opposite wall, letting in the sunshine and brightening the room to almost unbearable levels. The curtains fluttered inward as the breeze ruffled through them and that’s when I saw him.

  He sat in a chair; his bulky form slouched into the plush leather. He was looking the other way, out the window to the freedom he was denied and hadn’t noticed me at the door. I could see him plain as day and Violet was right. He looked defeated…empty.

  He was like a wild animal that had been locked up and was pining for his home. He was like a lion that should be stalking the plains of Africa with his lioness, but instead of endless skies all he had was a cage. He was wasting away in captivity.

  My heart twisted painfully in my chest and I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned and padded down the hall, trying to sneak away before he realized I was there, like the coward I was. I didn’t want to see him like that. I was afraid to see him like that.

  Fucking coward.

  I treaded lightly down the stairs, keeping an ear out for Violet. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me running away from her brother after the courage it must’ve taken her to come and face me. That would look bloody fantastic.

  I’d made it out the door and into the yard when she called out to me.

  “Ren, wait.”

  I turned and waited for her to catch up, embarrassment flaming in my cheeks.

  “Please don’t give up on him,” she said coming to stand beside me. “You know what he’s like.”

  “A stubborn, secretive asshole?” I retorted.

  “Yeah,” she said with a smile. “All of the above.”

  “Don’t tell him I was here.”

  She tilted her head to the side, squinting in the elusive spring sunshine. “You didn’t talk to him? Why?”

  I shook my head, not knowing how to answer when I didn’t understand the emotions I was feeling. “Don’t give him any hope when there mightn’t be any.”

  Before she could reply, I wrenched open the gate and made my escape.

  I leaned my head against the window as the number eight tram rattled down High Street Prahran, taking me away from Ash and his fancy house, all the way back to my denial at Beat. Back to the life I was using to try and forget for all the wrong reasons.

  When I was ten, I remembered coming home from school and finding my mum unconscious on the kitchen floor. I was just a kid so it would’ve been understandable if I’d been afraid, but instead of crying and hoping that she’d wake up on her own, I picked up the phone and dialed triple zero. The lady on the phone told me how brave I was and how proud my mum would be for knowing what to do. She stayed on the phone until the paramedics knocked on the door.

  It wasn’t the first or the last of those calls and every single time, I was the brave one. I kept a cool head, called the number and saved my mum’s life. It’d became like a routine and it wasn’t until later that I understood she had been trying to hide how bad things had gotten from me. I guess she figured I had enough to deal with without having to worry about her not being around anymore. Except it never went that way.

  She was getting sicker with each passing episode and all it did was create more problems. She left it too long one time too many and it was game over.

  As I sat on the tram all the way back to Beat, I knew I was doing the exact same thing. I was my mother’s daughter through and through. I was leaving it until it was too late to stop the tumor from destroying everything.

  My tumor wasn’t cancer or anything life threatening and it was even more heartless of me to compare my mum’s illness with this thing with Ash…but my fear was eating away at me in much the same way. My fear of abandonment would destroy everything.

  I had to get a fucking grip.

  Ren Miller was the strong one. I was there for people and stood up to everything life threw at me. I stood up and kicked life in the balls when it tried to shove me down.

  What was I really afraid of?

  I was there for my mum until there wasn’t anything left to do but let her go. If I was there for Ash and he didn’t want me…he’d still be there living his life without me. Could I go on knowing that? It was bad enough now, so what would a total meltdown look like? More than ever, I wanted to talk to Mum and ask her how she did it, how she got over Dad, because I couldn’t remember a time that she was ever sad, even when she was at her worst with her cancer.

  Seemed like I took after my mum in more ways than one.

  Would I go back and try again? I didn’t know.

  I didn’t know shit.

  12

  Ash

  “Ash?”

  My eyes cracked open and I groaned.

  “Are you okay?”

  Violet was staring at me, her eyes level with mine. She was on the floor, clutching the edge of the bed like a scared little rabbit.

  “I saw a ghost,” I whispered.

  “A ghost?” She mimicked my tone. Utter disbelief. Crazy talk. It was the drugs. Had to be the drugs.

  “She couldn’t be here…”

  “Who?”

  I frowned, my mind foggy. “Spitfire.”

  Violet reached her hand over the bed and stroked my forehead. She was checking my temperature, but she should’ve been checking for a pulse.

  “You mean Ren?” she asked after a minute.

  “It’s the fucking drugs.”

  “Do you love her?” she asked.

  I grunted.

  “Ash?”

  “A beast can’t love,” I mumbled.

  “Yes you can,” Violet said, her brow furrowing into a scowl. “You love me.”

  “And look what happened to you.” If I wasn’t so out of it, I would’ve rolled over so I couldn’t look at her.

  “You’re such an asshole,” she hissed, tears springing into her eyes.

  “All of this is my fault.” I was only good for breaking people’s hearts.

  “No,” she said, brushing away a stray tear. “No, it wasn’t your fault. It was theirs.”

  It was still because of me, how couldn’t she see that? They came after her to get to me.

  “It was never your fault Ash,” she argued, wrapping her small hand around my arm. “You never did anything but follow the rules. They were jealous assholes. It was them. It was never you.”

  I grunted.

  “What do I have to say to get you to understand?”

  “I’ll never understand your capacity for forgiveness,” I muttered, closing my eyes.

  “You shouldn’t underestimate your own,” she retorted.

  The mattress dipped when she sat next to me as I drooled in my drug induced haze. I hated anyone seeing me like this, even Violet. She was right about everything…as usual. Still, we were both trapped in this house together for at least another few months.

  “What are you going to do once your sentence is over?” she asked after a beat.

  What was I going to do? I didn’t have much of anything to welcome me back once I was able to step through the front door without triggering an alarm. Could I go back to fighting? There was no chance in hell that I could get back on any kind of pro circuit and The Underground…no doubt that would be Ren’s stomping ground. I’d be as welcome there as—

  “Ash?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied. “I don’t know what I want.”

  I knew exactly what I wanted, but I wasn’t so sure she wanted me back.

  13

  Ren

  I’d never run from anything in my entire life.

  Ren Miller was a fighter from the f
irst moment she was put onto this earth. I never backed down when things got rough. I picked up the phone and called the ambulance when I needed to, I stood up to my fears...I kicked life in the balls when it tried to bring me down.

  I went to one of those public high schools where there was no uniform, so the segregation between the cool kids, the nerds and the poor kids was even wider. One day in year eight I turned up to school wearing the same clothes as the day before because I had run out of ways to make my few things look different and the mean girls had instantly latched onto me. They’d teased me all day until I bit back and somehow I’d gotten myself into a fight after the last bell had rung. It was a case of turning up to fight the bullies or run like a coward and be teased for the rest of my life.

  They never thought I’d actually go through with it because I was the girl who constantly kept her mouth shut to go unnoticed. I was the quiet one in the corner too afraid to speak up incase it made me a target.

  Needless to say I turned up, punched the most popular girl in school right in the face and promptly got suspended. The bitch got a black eye and I got grounded for a week, but they never bullied me again.

  Yesterday was the first time in my life that I’d run and I felt like throwing up.

  I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering how a man was able to break the things inside me that I thought were unbreakable. Rolling onto my side, I glanced across the room and pushed the negative thoughts to the back of my mind.

  I kept refusing to move out of Beat, so a few weeks ago Dad had extra storage built into the kitchen. Now the storeroom looked a lot like an actual bedroom. I had a rack to hang up my clothes, a set of drawers and a lamp, which was all I really needed. I still slept on a queen size mattress, but now it had a base. When I closed the door, it actually looked like a bedroom. It was my own space.

  I actually liked waking up and knowing I was already at Beat. It’d taken a while, but it was more like home than that shabby rental in Deer Park ever was. Home had been wherever Mum was, but I had finally come to terms with what I had right now.