“You’re okay, I promise you’re okay. I’m going to get you through this,” Molly whispers. I look up at her and see that she’s bawling her eyes out, mascara running down her face; she looks as heartbroken as I feel. She was right when she said that Mickey was like her brother too. Molly and I have been best friends since nursery; we’ve been inseparable. When Molly moved to Manchester for uni, it was the first time we’d been apart for more than a week.
“Are you okay?” I stupidly ask her, I can tell that she’s not okay, none of us are.
“Not really, I just can’t imagine him being gone. He’ll always be that annoying little shit that would scare the life out of us and tease us when we would sing. I’m hurting Katy, I really am and if I’m hurting this much, I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling. I’m here for you though, every single step of the way. I’m not leaving you.”
“You’re the best, you know that? What am I going to do when you go back to Manchester? Fancy a roommate?” I roll my eyes, there’s no way I’d go to Manchester, I love London too much to go anywhere else and even though I’m mad at my parents, I know they need me now more than ever.
“Katy, I’m moving back. I hate it up there. God, I’ve spoken to Mum and Dad about it and they agree that I should come home. I’m not happy, and I haven’t been for a while. Besides, you need me more than ever. But even if this didn’t happen, I was coming home.” She squeezes my hand, and a glimmer of hope enters me, that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to get through this. “Let’s get you into the car and we’ll get to the cemetery.”
She guides me past everyone who’s waiting for the procession to begin and into the car. Mum and Dad aren’t far behind, but when they get in, they don’t talk. Mum is silently weeping into her tissue, and Dad’s looking out of the window. We’re a broken family, and nothing is ever going to fix us. It’s like the glue that held us together is gone.
Being in this flat is exhausting. There are constant reminders of Mickey everywhere. I walk past his bedroom expecting to hear music blasting out of it or that stupid video game on full blast but the emptiness, the silence is way too much. A part of me wants to move out, get a place of my own so I don’t have that constant reminder, but I know that no matter where I go, it will always be present.
It’s ten o’clock at night, and my body is wound up tight. My mind is racing, there’s no way I’m sleeping tonight like this, not that it matters; I’ve not really slept much since Mickey died.
Mum’s in her room, and the telly’s blaring, but I know that she’s not watching it. She wouldn’t be able to tell me what was on; she just likes some white noise, anything to take away the silence. Dad’s gone back to his flat; he’s a bit more functional than she is. He still works, but Mum seems unable to and probably won’t for a while. I’m worried about the rent and stuff here, knowing I won’t be able to afford it on my coffee shop wages. At least if I take another job I won’t have time to think of Mickey.
I have no idea where the hell I’m supposed to find a job that can pay for the mortgage and the other bills that come along with keeping us fed. I have worked at Delight for years. That was supposed to be my way of saving, either for beauty school or for a deposit on a flat. I’d had about two thousand pounds saved up in my account between my pay checks, my birthdays, or Christmas presents. But that money is now gone, all of it. When Mickey died, a lot of debt racked up, even with my savings and Mum pawning all her jewellery and anything else that was of value, they still needed to borrow ten grand from a loan shark. I have no idea how I’m supposed to pay everything but I’m going to have to try.
Walking out of the flat, I’m hit with a strong breeze. Again, I wish I had brought a cardigan or jacket with me. At least I’m feeling something other than pain. My feet pound against the steps as I make my way down them. I will my feet to go right, I can’t face going left, I haven’t been able to bring myself to walk past that alley since it happened. I’ll walk the long way around if I have to, I just can’t do it.
“Katy?” a deep voice calls out in the darkness.
I look to see if I can see who it is and where the hell they are. God knows what sort of creeps are around at this time of night. “Katy, are you okay?”
I relax a little bit when I see that it’s Roly. His name’s Clint, but he’s a big guy and they called him Roly Poly at school and the name Roly stuck with him ever since. He was in the same year as me and Molly at school. His twin sister Laura is friends with Molly and me. She used to be our best friend, the three of us inseparable until she started dating Harley, the leader of the NDZ Crew. After that we grew apart. I didn’t want to deal with that shit, let alone be associated with it. Ironically, Mickey ended up joining that damn gang. Roly and Laura’s younger brother was Mickey’s best friend, not that any of them have been around since he died, so much for him being a friend. So much for Laura being a friend. I didn’t even see any of them at the funeral, and I did look for them because we’ve all known each other for a long time and I know that Phil must be hurting too.
“Katy, what you doing out at this time of night?” Roly asks as he moves towards me.
“I needed some air, it was too much today.”
He shifts his feet acting really uncomfortable, “Yeah, I’m sorry about Mickey.”
“Thanks, I’m going to go for a walk, I’ll see you around.” I turn and leave not wanting to talk to him, not wanting to talk to anyone. In my haste to get away I realise that I’m heading toward the alley. I quickly glance over my shoulder and see that Roly is still standing at the entrance to the flats, if I turn back now he’ll start talking again. There’s only one thing I can do, continue wandering into this God forsaken alley. My body begins to shake as I get closer to the alleyway.
My eyes are immediately drawn to the flowers that are placed against the wall. I’ve seen them every time I leave the flat, but I’ve never been this close to them before. There must be at least a hundred, they line the wall of the alleyway, along with candles that act as a guiding light out of this horrific place. I hurry my pace, needing to get the hell away from here. Something catches my eye and amongst the flowers is an Arsenal shirt, Mickey was a massive Arsenal fan; he and Dad never missed a game. It was their weekend ritual. He loved Koscielny, he called him the heart of the team, a true leader, someone who would guide Arsenal through the tough times. Seeing that shirt hits me hard. The breath leaves me, and the tears fall. I should turn around and go home. I should run upstairs and fall into bed where I’ll cry myself to sleep, I shouldn’t be out here crying.
“Katy, come on, let’s get you home,” someone calls from behind me. That voice! What the hell is he doing here?
I spin around, all the anger I’ve felt over the past month comes rushing out. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out ruining other people’s lives? Shouldn’t you be the coward who’s getting new members into that pathetic gang of yours? I mean it’s because of you that Mickey joined that fucking gang in the first place. You were his best friend. You were supposed to protect him. Where were you when he was killed? Where were you today?” I shout at him, my tears blurring my vision.
Phil goes to open his mouth, probably to defend himself, but I don’t let him. “You’re a coward Phil. Because of you my brother is dead. I hate you.” I turn and run back towards the flat, Roly standing at the end of the alleyway with such sadness on his face, but I don’t care. Why is he hurting? His brother’s still alive. They don’t understand the hurt, anger, and heartache that I go through every day. They should count their blessings that they have each other. I’d do anything to have Mickey back again, to just have one chance to talk to him again. To say a proper goodbye.
Chapter Two
9 Days Later
Jumping out of the shower, I need to get a move on. Otherwise I’m going to be late. I shouldn’t have washed my hair. I should have waited until tonight when I had more time. It’s going to take me ages to get my long brown hair dried. It’s mome
nts like this that I wish that I could chop it all off. It would save me the hassle of drying it. I quickly towel myself before getting dressed, at least today I’m managing to get dressed. The past two days I’ve been in my pyjamas moping around the house.
My hours at Delight have gone down; I started as a part time employee, and when they needed me, I would work extra. But now they don’t need me to work more hours. I’m down to three days a week, and those extra days at home are really getting to me.
I turn on the hairdryer and blow out my big mop of hair. My thoughts drift to Mickey as they do every time I’m alone and don’t have anything to occupy my mind. Times like this, I expect him to walk into the house, I turn my head thinking I see him and when I realise that it’s not him or remember that he’s never going to come back, I break down. It’s fucking shit remembering that he’s gone, the pain hits and it hits hard. I wonder if it ever eases or will it always affect me this way?
I finish getting ready and walk into the kitchen. The telly blares from Mum’s room. “Right Mum, I’m going out now. Do you need anything?” I shout as I grab the keys off the kitchen counter, I don’t know why I even bother asking her. She never answers me. I barely get a bloody grunt to acknowledge that she’s even heard me.
As I close the door and put the key in the door to lock up, I hear a door open beside me. Looking to my right I see Lynn, I give her a tight smile hoping that she doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling. It’s the one question that I’m really getting tired of hearing. I’m not okay but I don’t want the world to know so I pretend that I’m getting better when in fact, I’m barely breathing.
“Katy, how are you?” she asks coming to stand beside me, her hand coming to rest against mine.
I haven’t even locked the door yet. But I pull the key from the lock, turn and give her all my attention. “I’m okay, thank you Lynn, how are you?” I shouldn’t be too hard on her, she’s Mum’s best friend. She was Mickey’s godmother. She too is hurting, I remind myself.
“Some days are better than others. How’s your mum? I haven’t seen her in a while.” Her voice holds tangible pain. It’s so stupid. We’ve been blind to how many people were affected by Mickey’s death.
“She’s not doing too well at the moment, Lynn. She won’t leave her room, she doesn’t eat, she doesn’t talk. I don’t know what to do to help her. Dad’s no use, he ran when it got too hard,” I tell her truthfully, and I instantly regret it, Mum wouldn’t want anyone to know that she’s not coping, the same way I wouldn’t. Dad on the other hand, I kind of hate him.
“You should have said something.” Disappointment drips from her words. “Are you going out?” she questions with a frown. Nodding, I wonder if she’s judging me for leaving Mum. “Right, you pop out and I’ll sit with your mum.”
I open my mouth to tell her that I don’t think it’ll be a good idea, when Lynn holds up her finger stopping me. “Listen here missy, you need a break, and your mum needs company, so I’m going to help.” Her tone tells me not to mess with her.
“Lynn, I don’t know how long I’m going to be. I’ve got to look for another job.”
Again, she raises her hand. “Don’t explain yourself. I’ve got no plans for the day so you’re doing me a favour. I’ll cook some food and freeze it for you two, no doubt the two of you haven’t been eating.” She gives me a look that tells me she knows we haven’t and to not even lie to her.
“I’ll look after her until you get home,” she reassures me.
Relief washes through me knowing that she’s going to take care of Mum while I’m gone. “Thank you,” my voice is choked up with emotion.
I’m in her arms before I get a chance to compose myself. “Don’t thank me. We’re family. We may not be blood, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you like one of my own.”
I smile as she releases me. “Now you get going, and I’ll see you later.” She shoos me off as she opens the door.
I turn and walk away, glad that Mum’s got someone to talk to if she wants. She’s isolated herself, and I hate it but there’s nothing I can do to help. I don’t have the energy to do it, especially when any of my efforts are ignored. I need to hurry. I’m already late meeting Molly. Rushing down the stairs, I make it out into the open. She told me she’d meet me at the park, but knowing Mol, she’s not waiting but walking towards my house instead.
I was right. She did walk towards my flat. I’m not actually that late as I walk pretty fast. Seeing her instantly cheers me up a bit. It’s been a long time since we hung out and just acted like nineteen-year-olds. Although I doubt either one of us are going to be particularly happy today, I can’t muster up a smile for longer than a minute.
She gives me a once over before sighing. “Katy, I’ll be honest, you look like death warmed up.” Molly pulls me into a hug. It’s the first time since Mickey’s funeral that we’ve seen each other. She’s been busy moving back home, and I’ve been searching online for a job. “It’s been shit, I’ve not really slept. Dad’s not made an appearance since the funeral, and Mum is still the same.” I hug her tightly. God, I’ve missed her so much.
“She’s not left the house since the funeral?” I sigh, apparently telling her everything she needs to know. “Fucking hell, Katy, no wonder you look like shit. Have you been eating? You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
I give her a look, one that says everything. Eat? I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a warm meal, these days my one meal a day consists of a sandwich, even then it’s a struggle to eat.
“Right, first things first, we’re going to get some decent food in you and then we’re going to walk the streets of London; we both need jobs. At this point I’d take anything. I really do mean anything. We can’t be fussy. So let’s get some food and make a plan.” She links her arm through mine and we walk towards the tube station. “We’re heading into Central London. There’s bound to be jobs there, and if not, we just keep looking.”
I know that she’s trying to sound cheerful and optimistic, but it’s not working. She’s hiding something. “What is it?”
She looks at me as though I’ve lost my mind. “What’s what?”
“Mol, come on, I’m not stupid. What’s going on? Before Mickey died, you said that you loved being in Manchester, so what’s with the change of heart?”
She sighs. “I fucked up. I slept with a guy. You know me, Katy, I don’t do that. Anyway, turns out the dickhead has a girlfriend. Seriously, they’re both making my life hell, so I shoved my tail between my legs and came back home. It wasn’t that great, I tried to pretend that it was, but I was alone, and no one would talk to me after I slept with that arsehole.” Her eyes are swimming with unshed tears. “I wanted to come home as soon as I got there. It was so lonely, I hated every second of it.”
I pull her into my arms. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me? I would have been there for you.” I’m kind of upset that she never said a word. I’m supposedly her best friend, and when she needed someone, she didn’t think to talk to me.
“I know, God, I wanted to tell you so many times, but I felt like a failure Katy, I was the one going to university and in the end, I was a big fat coward.” She pulls out of my arms and her hands angrily swipe at the fallen tears.
“You’re not a coward! Stupid yes, but not a coward. You could have told me. I wouldn’t have judged you. I would have told you to get your arse home. I missed you,” I tell her softly. It’s so good having her home. I can’t be too mad as she’s here for me when I really need her.
“I know. I was going to tell you, but then Mickey died and what I was dealing with was nothing compared to what you were going through. I came home and now here we are. Now, let’s get on the tube and get something to eat. We’ve got a long day ahead of us job hunting.”
She’s determined to put what happened in Manchester to rest and move on. I know Molly though, she has a very soft heart, she’s been hurt and it’s not going to help her by shoving what happened and h
er feelings about it under the rug. It’s going to fester, and I’ll be here when it surfaces just as she’s here for me now.
Five hours and a whole lot of searching and we came up empty handed. Who knew that finding a job would be this hard? We’ve gotten a few who have told us to email our CVs to them, but they didn’t sound too interested in us. There must be someone looking for staff.
“Let’s search the bars. Maybe they need bar staff?” She sounds so hopeful.
“Umm, Mol, I hate to burst your bubble but neither of us have any experience working in a bar.” I can just imagine us walking into a bar and them laughing at us for not having worked in one before.
“Hey, we have to at least try.” She’s right, we do. We’ve searched everywhere else and come up empty. “Shall we try?”
I nod. “Yeah we may as well, what have we got to lose?”
She practically jumps up and down on the spot. “Great, I always wanted to work in a bar ever since we watched Coyote Ugly.” She’s giddy, who would have thought that job hunting would be the way to cheer her up?
“Ummm, Mol, you do realise that most bars aren’t like that?” I’m laughing. For the first time in a long time, I’m having fun. But as soon as I realise that I’m laughing the guilt hits me. Here I am, laughing and having fun when my brother’s lying in a fucking coffin six feet under. It’s not fair, I shouldn’t be happy, not when he doesn’t get the chance to be.
“Oh Katy, it’s okay to be happy. He’d want you to be, you know that. Just as you would want him to be if it were the other way around.” She pulls me into a hug again. I honestly don’t think I’ve been hugged so much in my life as I have been in the past few weeks. “You know he would.”
The Sacrifices of Life (The Working Girls Book 3) Page 2