Dear Aaron

by Mariana Zapata

  Hold up… you were into someone for so long that you never wanted to date anyone else? Why wouldn’t they want to be with you? You seem like a great girl. Why would you wait for somebody anyway? How long did you like him? This all sort of blows my mind. I’ve never known anyone over the age of 18 who hasn’t been in a relationship, even if it was a bad one.

  I don’t kiss and tell. Heh.

  I’m kidding, I’ll tell you. Girls I’ve called my girlfriend since I was like 16? Around 20. I’ve lost count. Not more than 30.

  Glad you got some quality time with your dad. California is pretty nice. When are you thinking about visiting?

  Hope you’re doing all right.

  -Aaron

  P.S. I’m not dealing with it. That woman isn’t old enough to have a kid your age.

  Chapter 7

  December

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: December 1, 2008 5:05 a.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: Get Over It

  Aaron,

  I talk to my brother about our e-mails sometimes, and he laughed when I told him your views on officers. He said, and I quote, “Nobody likes officers but other officers.”

  My mom and sister are both beautiful. I don’t have any pictures of my mom’s mom. She didn’t like having her picture taken. I think she thought they stole your soul or something. She was a pretty old school from everything I’ve heard. I’m not even kidding. She died before I was born, but supposedly, she was a beauty queen. I don’t look anything like her. She’s got that red hair and mine decided it didn’t want to be red like hers or black like my dad’s, but I have closer to her coloring minus the freckles and inability to tan, and her eyes. I don’t look like either of my parents, more like both of them and neither one of them at the same time. My brothers call me “the milk man’s baby” because the rest of them look like one or the other, except me.

  You guys had the Destruction Cookbook, didn’t you?

  Thanks. I’m glad you liked my cosplay. With the exception of the Leeloo costume, I usually always do characters who have their faces covered. I don’t like being the center of attention. When I put the face paint on, it’s like I’m taking on the character and it makes me more outgoing, if that makes any sense. Like I’m not myself. It gives me a boost of confidence. That makes me sound like a weirdo, but it’s true.

  Not that you’re asking, but I think you’re better off just living with the doubt. Unless you’re planning on getting back together, why torture yourself and get more pissed off? She did what she did, or she didn’t. Either way, I’m sorry. …do you want to get back together? Not judging, only asking.

  You’re making me feel like an idiot. Here’s the thing: everyone knew I had feelings for this person. My entire family did. It wasn’t something I tried keeping a secret. I’d liked him my entire life. Besides fictional characters, he was the only person I had ever been in love with. Or at least, it felt like I was in love with him. I don’t know anymore. I’d like to blame it on just being young and dumb, but that seems like a cop out to say that. It was the classic in-love-with-your-older-brother’s-friend situation… except it was real life.

  I’m the only person I know who’s never had a boyfriend either. It wasn’t like I didn’t know that. Even my little sister, as busy as she is, has had a couple of them.

  Twenty-something girlfriends. Hmm. What was your longest relationship? I’m trying to do the math in my head and you would’ve had to have at least 3 a year for a while.

  I was thinking about going to visit my dad sometime next year. April maybe. Have you lived in California?

  -Ruby

  P.S. I swear on my life I came out of her almost 24 years ago. Accept it.

  From: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Date: December 4, 2008 2:39 p.m.

  To: RubyMars@mail.com

  Subject: Never (Getting Over It)

  Ruby,

  Your brother’s comment about officers made me laugh. Take our word for it. It’s true. It takes a certain kind of person to want to be an officer. If you ever meet one, you’ll understand.

  I bet your sister will be like your mom, picking up guys half her age later on. If you do or don’t look like your mom, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. I got a question: did your brothers’ friends ever hit on her?

  …how did you know that was the book we had?

  Your face paint reason I get. It’s like you’re stepping into a role… nothing wrong with that. :] Whatever makes you happy. For some reason, I have a hard time imagining you being shy, but I’ll take your word for it.

  I know you’re right about my ex, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter what she did, but it doesn’t change anything. Did I waste years of my life? That’s what bothers me the most, I guess. No, I don’t want to get back together with her. We’re done.

  You’re not an idiot. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I hope you know that. You’re a nice girl. You never said anything to him though? What finally made you give up after so long? You’re not lame or stupid. I’m just… surprised… shocked. You had to feel some kinda way to put your life on hold like that.

  I’m sure you weren’t missing out on the love of your life or anything like that by not having a couple boyfriends. Sounds like your life has been pretty good if you ask me.

  The longest I was ever with someone was that ex.

  I’ve never lived in California, but I’ve been to visit a few times.

  -A

  P.S. I don’t know if I’ll ever believe you.

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: December 5, 2008 1:13 a.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: My Name is Ruby and I’m an Idiot

  Aaron,

  Well, my sister won’t be picking up guys half her age. She’s gay. Her last girlfriend she had for a few years, but she wants kids and the girlfriend didn’t. I hadn’t really liked her in the first place. She wasn’t good enough for Anatalia (my sister). Having a little sister, I’m sure you’d feel the same way about her having a boyfriend.

  My oldest brother’s friends were always hitting on and checking out my mom. It was really weird and uncomfortable and more weird. I remember them always calling her a MILF and stuff behind my brother’s back. My other brother, the one in the marines, is gay and so were half his friends, so it wasn’t as bad with them. They were all busy drooling over my oldest brother. :)

  Ha! I know you had that book because my brother, Jonathan (the marine) did too. I told you I read everything. Sometimes he’d let me watch from a distance while he tried something. Sometimes I even got to suggest things he could try.

  Yeah, I’m only shy when I’m half naked and people are paying a lot of attention to me. I’ve had enough people pay too much attention to me for a lifetime. I’m over it. It makes me uncomfortable. Usually I dress like an eighty-year-old (those are my little sister’s words) but it’s fun to put on a costume, even if it’s a little more provocative than I’m used to. It’s fun to pretend to be something I’m not without expectations or judgments. Like during Halloween when women wear really sexy costumes but it’s totally okay because it’s Halloween, you know where I’m coming from?

  You had to have learned something from the time you guys were together. It couldn’t have been a total waste of time. Make a list if it makes you feel better. Everything happens for a reason, remember? :)

  I told you… everyone knew I liked him. It wasn’t a secret. He knew. I made it pretty obvious sometimes. One time more than any other, but… the next day he made it seem like nothing had happened. I’m embarrassed just thinking about the things I used to say and do to him for attention, especially when I was younger. I got more discreet when I was older, but… ugh. I don’t deal with rejection well, and that’s how him not liking me seemed like back then. I know that makes me sound like a coward, but why lie to myself? Months
ago, he finally started dating someone regularly. He brought her to my mom’s birthday and it looked serious. My heart broke a little (a lot) and I cried that night and for a few nights afterward—about thirty nights if you want to know the truth—but I’m glad it happened. I needed to move on with my life. He’d always dated people, but it never seemed serious back then.

  I’m pathetic.

  I know you didn’t mean to make me feel that way. It just feels like I wasted so much time. Like you said, and then I said—no one likes to feel stupid. Then I think about how my entire family was aware of it and how they had to have known nothing would ever come of it, and that makes me feel worse. It wasn’t like there was a ton of guys knocking on my door to take my mind away either, so there’s that too. Now I’m just making excuses for being a dummy.

  Oh well.

  Hope you’re okay.

  -Ruby

  From: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Date: December 8, 2008 12:09 p.m.

  To: RubyMars@mail.com

  Subject: You’re Not An Idiot

  Ruby,

  That was a plot twist I didn’t see coming. Did your brother and sister always know they were gay? Did you know? I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for your older brother having a hot mom. One of my best friend’s moms was smoking hot too. He would get so pissed anytime anyone brought her up. Of course that would only make us comment more.

  What did he make from the book?

  What exactly does an eighty-year-old dress like? The way I’m picturing it is you in a pink sweater and black shoes with glasses. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you, you don’t seem like you’re shy at all, “half naked” or not. You feeding me a lie?

  You said to make a list, so here it is.

  Things I learned while in a relationship with my ex (and every ex):

  Don’t trust anyone.

  Keep the toilet seat lid closed when you’re sharing a bathroom with your girl.

  Everyone lies.

  We both know who the pathetic one is, and it isn’t you.

  Feeling like your heart is broken happens to everyone. My first real girlfriend in high school cheated on me and we stayed together. Then she cheated on me again a month after the first time. Of course I felt stupid for giving her another chance. Fool me once and all that crap, you know? You were a kid. There was no way you could play it off if you liked him. You figure that game out when you’re older. :] That guy didn’t deserve your tears or your time if he knew you had feelings for him and never did anything about it, even if all he did was break your heart by telling you he wasn’t interested. I think mine broke a little at you crying over him. That had to be a reality check. What’d you tell me? Everything happens for a reason?

  Not that you’re asking for my opinion, but I think you should try to date someone. Multiple someones. You have a lot of things to make up for. I know some people in great relationships.

  -A

  P.S. Live your life for both of us while I’m over here… hear me? Don’t let some idiot “rejecting you” make you think everybody will. It’s hard for me to believe you didn’t have a long line of guys trying to hook up with you.

  From: RubyMars@mail.com

  Date: December 9, 2008 3:33 a.m.

  To: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Subject: Hi

  Aaron,

  They both have always known they were gay, but my sister was the first one to come out. My sister announced she was a lesbian when she was like… sixteen or seventeen, right before my brother, but my mom says she always knew without a doubt about Tali. There are videos of her making her Barbie dolls kiss and she used to say they were married. Sorry for busting your bubble with my sister… not. Lol. My brother came out when he was sixteen I want to say. I think he was worried about how my mom would handle it (remember she was a strict Catholic for a long time and he’s her favorite), but she did fine. Better than fine. She claimed she always “had a feeling.” He had a couple girlfriends before he came out, but they didn’t stay together long for a reason. Him and his friends who were gay were all in the closet and hid it really well. Looking back on it, it makes me sad they had to do that.

  I don’t remember exactly what my brother attempted. All I know is that nothing ever worked and he almost died each time he tried something from the book. It wasn’t until he burned his hands and eyebrows off that my mom figured out what he was doing and put a stop to it. If you’re wondering what “putting a stop to it” means, it means she whooped his rear end. Fifteen years old or not, she beat him. That was the one and only time she ever disciplined him I bet.

  ^^^It still makes me laugh. :)

  Lol! You make it sound like I’m a Pink Lady in Grease. I don’t wear glasses, but the flats and cardigans happen when I have to do something work-related.

  You need help. Here’s a list in response to yours:

  You can trust your best friends, right? (And you can trust me, if you ever wanted to.)

  Keeping the toilet seat up while you pee is nice. Try sitting on a wet one when you’re half asleep.

  Not everyone lies (but your ex did… and I did too. I’m still sorry about that.)

  Was that girlfriend that you forgave for cheating on you your first love or just a first girlfriend? I was a sad mess for about two months after the girlfriend thing. It wasn’t just a few days or nights. I cried and I cried and I cried more. One of my friends thought someone in my family had died. It had felt like it. You picture being with someone for so long, even if you know it’s a fantasy, and it’s tough. A part of me thought he’d come around some day, but that was me living in la-la land. It was a learning experience. He really is a nice, great guy. I couldn’t stay mad at him. Not that I even had anything I could really get mad at. It was my fault.

  I do want to date, and I will, but I don’t really know where to start. Do you have any suggestions? So far the five guys I’ve gone on dates with were friends of my friends. I already know meeting guys at bars is a bad idea, and I don’t even like going to bars to begin with. So? Any suggestions, your holy dating, twenty-girlfriend highness?

  I know plenty of people in good relationships too, but I know a lot of people in really bad relationships as well. I don’t want to waste my time on a crappy one.

  Hope you’re okay. I saw a German shepherd today and thought of you.

  -Ruby

  P.S. Yes, I’ll live my life for both of us. Lay on the guilt trip. :)

  P.P.S. Trust me, there was no line of guys trying to ask me out ever. There’s only a small fraction of guys who like girls like me. Most of my male friends who I thought liked me had been too shy to ask me out, and I wasn’t brave enough to go after the one I did like. Funny how that works.

  From: Aaron.Tanner.Hall.mil@mail.mil

  Date: December 19, 2008 1:11 p.m.

  To: RubyMars@mail.com

  Subject: RE: Hi

  Ruby,

  Internet blackout again.

  Is your brother in a relationship? How did he keep it a secret while he was enlisted?

  The image of your mom beating on your brother cracked me up. She really is something else, isn’t she?

  There’s nothing wrong with being conservative. You have your reasons. Wear whatever you want whenever you want.

  Here’s another list for you:

  I can trust some of my friends. (You included.)

  It isn’t a big deal to wipe the seat down before you use it.

  Everyone lies, even me. (And I’ve forgiven you for your lie. I thought we were pretending it didn’t happen?)

  She was my first love. My first everything if you get what I mean. I’m not going to front, back then it felt like the world had ended, you know? Every few years, she messages me asking how I’m doing. She married one of my high school friends and has a couple of kids now. I’m happy for them.

  I think you’re giving that guy too much credit. He had to have known how you would handle him bringing someone over to your mom
’s house. Either way, you did nothing wrong. He was older than you, he should’ve known better and done right by you. It’s BS. A nice guy wouldn’t have done that. Just saying.

  Definitely don’t meet guys at any bars or clubs. Don’t date friends of your friends either if you can help it. That always gets awkward. What about at kickboxing class? Or a cosplay thing? Let me think about it more. Every idea I have of where I’d met someone wouldn’t work for you.

  Every relationship turns into a bad one unless you find somebody to stay married to you for the rest of your life.

  This puppy showed up in my tent a couple of days ago. We’ve been taking turns feeding it. We’re not… allowed… to have any pets, but some other units have found dogs, kept them and got their paperwork together. He’s a cute thing. One of the guys here has a camera. I’ll try and get a picture and send it to you.