The Rules of Supervillainy (The Supervillainy Saga Book 1)

by C. T. Phipps

  Cindy pointed at me. “It was all his idea!”

  I would have glared at her but a second later, Ultragod had me by the scruff of my cape. The two of us took off, flying up high into the sky.

  Dammit.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Meeting the Society of Superheroes

  Falconcrest City grew smaller and smaller as Ultragod and I soared higher into the air.

  “I think there’s a lesson to be learned here,” Cloak said. “Perhaps, ‘do not tempt fate’ or the simpler ‘do not be a supervillain’?”

  “Cloak, shut up,” I snapped. “I need to think. If comics have taught me anything, there’s a contrived way for the supervillain to escape custody.”

  “You should listen to your friend,” Ultragod said in a strong fatherly voice. “It strikes me you could have avoided a lot of the trouble you were in with an ounce of foresight.”

  “Yeah, well...” I said, pausing. “Wait, you can hear him?”

  “Yes,” the legendary superhero said. “With my Ultrahearing I can hear everything said on the planet at will. I see everything with my Ultravision. They’re a secondary mutation from my ability to manipulate the Ultraforce.”

  “Do you refer to all of your superpowers with the word Ultra in front of what they do?” I asked, wondering if that was for trademark purposes or what.

  “Yes,” Ultragod said, without irony. “What else would you call them?”

  He had a point. “Fair enough.”

  “I confess a little more originality by the newspapers would have been nice. I was stuck with the name once they assigned it. Do you want me to tell your wife about your situation?”

  “That’d be nice, thank you.” I did a double take. “Wait, you know about my wife too?”

  “I know everything there is to know about you,” Ultragod said, sounding paternal instead of creepy. “I started investigating Falconcrest City when I heard about Nightwalker’s death. It was my hope his cloaks would fall into the hands of citizens desiring to be superheroes.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you.” I was saddened by the situation myself. The thought of Mandy fighting alongside Ultragod and the rest of the SOS made my career choice feel hollow.

  “Call me Moses,” Ultragod said. “Please.”

  Ultragod reminded me a lot of Gabrielle’s father in a way I couldn’t quite put into words. Mostly in the fact they looked exactly alike and shared the same name. Yet, for some reason, my mind couldn’t make any connection between those facts. Instead, for whatever reason, I just put it down to coincidence.

  “Of course the world’s greatest superhero is named Moses,” I muttered, watching the Earth disappear beneath our feet. “How much trouble am I in?”

  “Quite a bit. I know you killed the Extreme in self-defense but other heroes won’t see it that way. There’s also the matter of the numerous other crimes you’ve committed.”

  “Wow, that’s not good.” I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact he knew everything. “Hold on, Moses, if you knew this entire time why didn’t you…I don’t know...stop me earlier?”

  “I can’t be everywhere at once. I was stopping a flood in Madagascar until about an hour ago. I am going to be serving as a witness in your trial, however.”

  “Great, you might as well find me guilty now.” I tried not to look down. “No one in the world is going to take my word over the world’s most beloved energy manipulator.”

  “Well, you are guilty.” Ultragod chuckled.

  “Touché,” I replied, thinking about my chances. This was a bad, bad situation. I hadn’t expected to be caught quite early in my career. “I need to call my lawyer too or well... get a lawyer.”

  “We’ll see you receive proper representation.”

  “We?”

  “The Society of Superheroes,” Ultragod answered, generating a giant Ultraforce hand to move a cloud out of the way. “According to the United States Superhuman Act, supervillains capable of killing superheroes can be tried by legally recognized superheroes on the moon.”

  I needed a second to process that. “Hold on, Super Duper Guy, we’re going to the moon?!”

  “Yes,” Ultragod said, before reassuring me, “but don’t worry, the S.O.S doesn’t believe in torture. You’ll just be incarcerated until your sentence is up.”

  “In space?” I choked out.

  “We’re all in space,” Ultragod replied, a broad smile on his face. “Humans travel on Starship Earth.”

  “Why thank you, Super Hippie. I can’t breathe in space, you know!” Panic overwhelmed any sense of wonder I might feel at my impending space travel. If I didn’t die of asphyxiation, I was going to be judged by a superhero star chamber.

  “I’ve extended my Ultrafield around you,” Ultragod replied, looking down. “You should be able to draw all your necessary physiological requirements from it until we reach New Avalon.”

  “New Avalon, huh? Catchy title.”

  “It’s the name for our headquarters. We figured the place to imprison supervillains was far away from populated areas and surrounded by a thousand or so superheroes.”

  “A thous...” I started to speak before trailing off. “Well, there goes any chance of an easy escape.”

  “That’s sort of the point, Gary.”

  “Merciless, please.”

  As Ultragod picked up speed, I saw we had already passed through the upper atmosphere and we were now overlooking planet Earth. It was a majestic sight; one reserved for astronauts, superheroes, and supervillains incarcerated on the moon. For a moment, I forgot all of my troubles and took a moment to appreciate Mother Earth.

  “I understand why so many supervillains want to conquer the planet now,” I said, despite the lack of oxygen in space. “I must have it.”

  “Everyone has to have their dreams, I suppose. I don’t think you’re going to be able to do it, though.”

  “Why?”

  “Remember, you’re going to be incarcerated for the rest of your life.”

  “Oh right. Way to spoil my mood, Cloak.”

  “Sorry.”

  Minutes later, the moon came into view. Once we were a few miles away from the rocky barren surface of the satellite, I caught a glimpse of New Avalon. It was the size of a small city underneath a clear environmental dome.

  The interior looked like something out of Flash Gordon with big, beautiful, spiraling towers and vast gardens filled with plant life from all across the cosmos. I guessed there had to be at least ten thousand or more inhabitants in the small city.

  “Wow.”

  “Home, sweet home. A monument to humankind’s capacity for engineering and the benefits superheroes have brought to the world. I helped design this place with Nightwalker. It incorporates elements of Fairy, Mu, and Venusian technology.”

  “Venus is inhabited?”

  “Oh yes, pleasant bunch. They’re all red and have six-arms,” Ultragod said, flying up to the side of the dome and knocking.

  A tiny wormhole appeared and the two of us flew in. We emerged in a tranquil rainforest-like park in the middle of the city, the wormhole sealed up behind us. I didn’t know much about physics, but it staggered me—the kind of technological effort which must have gone into creating a wormhole generator as opposed to installing an airlock.

  “Cloak, how many laws of physics did we just break?” I asked, stunned by what had just happened.

  “You can’t break the laws of physics. Whenever you seem to violate one, it only means your understanding of them is incomplete. To answer your question, though, three hundred and forty-seven.”

  “I thought so.” I was amazed at the power on display. It made everything I could do look like cheap tricks.

  “It’s not the level of your power but what you do with it.”

  “Keep telling yourself that,” I said, staring at New Avalon in wonder.

  Ultragod flew up the largest building in the city, a palatial-like structure resembling the Taj Mahal crossed with the Je
di Temple. Around it was a beautiful park, almost Eden-like in its beauty. Once we were above a nice soft cushion of grass, Ultragod dropped me and the energy cage I was in popped like a soap bubble.

  There, I saw many of the world’s greatest heroes lounging around. There was Ink Splotch, the Prismatic Commando, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Trenchcoat Magician, Succubus, the Silver Lightning, and more.

  Now I was going to get the chance to outwit them all.

  “You realize I’m going to try and escape.”

  “I understand you’ll try.” Ultragod hovered a foot above the ground. “Your kind never learns.”

  “Hey-hey,” I said, pointing at him. “Can the racism.”

  Ultragod looked down at me. He raised an eyebrow.

  “Sorry.” I stared down at the floor. “That was funnier in my head.”

  “Gary... “ Ultragod said, his voice pitying, “ you’re not like the majority of the criminals I’ve put away. You haven’t been ruined by the lifestyle yet. Is there anything you can tell me which might mitigate your sentence? I know…people…who would be greatly upset to find out about your incarceration.”

  I found that to be a strange comment. “Even if I knew anything, I wouldn’t rat out my friends. Honor amongst thieves and all.”

  “I’ve never encountered that. I think you’ll find it’s an extremely rare quality.”

  I’m sorry to say I didn’t possess that quality either. If it meant being reunited with Mandy, I’d sell out everyone. Even Diabloman and Cindy, despite the fact they were my friends. I wasn’t going to betray them, though, unless it was a last resort. “I’m sorry, that’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.”

  “Oh, for the God’s sake.”

  The superheroes Robin Hood and Maid Marian then walked by. “I will never understand people who use bows as weapons. It’s the 21st century, people.”

  “Your attention span remains as consistent as always,” Cloak said. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “Not a clue.”

  Ultragod’s wristwatch, a thing straight out of the Fortieth century, started blinking. “Excuse me; I’m needed on the planet Rigel in the Orion Cluster. Pyronnus the Galaxy Destroyer is at it again. Guinevere will escort you to your trial.”

  “Wait, what? My trial is happening now?” I asked, watching Ultragod zoom away through a portal he conjured.

  I was about to say more when Guinevere walked in. Dressed in a decorative suit of armor with a white-tabard, she had white-blonde hair which she kept up in a ponytail that stretched down to her neck. Her ears were elongated and pointed and her eyes the shape of almonds. Guinevere’s face was thin and angular with racial features of the entire spectrum of the globe contrasted with golden brown skin. Despite the fact she wasn’t my type, there something about her that made me think she was most beautiful woman on Earth.

  Well, except for my wife.

  Guinevere was a literal fairy princess, a descendant of King Arthur and Morgana Le Fey who’d grown up in the Otherworld. Aside from her ability to spellbind both sexes, she was one of the greatest warriors who ever lived. A lot of people shipped her with Ultragod, though Mandy held out hope she played for the other team.

  Which I found annoying.

  Also hot.

  “Hello, Merciless,” Guinevere said, her voice was like crushed silk and made me feel weak in the knees.

  “Duhhh...” I fumbled for something to say, my mouth hanging open.

  She gave me a light slap on the cheek, snapping me out of it. “Merciless?”

  I jolted like I’d been shocked. “I’m awake now.”

  Guinevere, who now looked like a gorgeous Anglo-Saxon woman with long blond hair and pointed ears, looked at me intently. “That’s impressive. Very few people can break my glamour so easily. You must be either strong-willed or in love.”

  “Can I be both?”

  “No,” Guinevere said. “It’s one or the other. True love requires one’s heart to be flexible.”

  “Then I’m in love.”

  Wow, she was gorgeous. I looked away, feeling guilty.

  “An admirable choice. However, it’s not going to help you very much. The evidence against you has been gathered and it’s pretty damning.”

  “What am I accused of?” I asked. “Exactly?”

  Guinevere gestured for me to walk forward. “Multiple counts of arson, murder, robbery, and conspiracy to take over the world.”

  “I dispute the last one. I just decided to do that.”

  “Gary...”

  “What? I might as well be honest. They have telepathy and goodness knows how many other methods of extracting the truth. A fair trial would screw me so I want an unfair one.”

  “I’m afraid we’re all out of unfair trials.” Guinevere smiled, filling me with a sense of warmth and self-respect. “You’ll be judged by a panel of seven superheroes selected on the basis of moral fiber and sound judgment.”

  “So much for a jury of my peers, huh?” I was offended. “Can’t I get a bunch of supervillains to judge my innocence or guilt? Preferably ones I haven’t killed? Cause, they seem to be coming back.”

  “I’m sorry, Mister Karkofsky, but no,” Guinevere replied, shaking her head. Her voice was like a vocal brownie, making me feel warm and relaxed.

  “Figures.” I asked Cloak, “Are you recharged yet?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good,” I muttered. “Sorry, Gwen, I need to make my escape.”

  I tipped my head and made a break for it, running for a nearby wall. Once more, I slammed headfirst into a nearby wall and landed on the ground.

  “Cloak, does God hate me?” I said.

  “It depends which god you mean. I’ve met several.”

  “The Jewish one.”

  “Yes.”

  Guinevere put her hand on the receiver. “Queen Isis put an enchantment on New Avalon. As a result, no one but a member of the Society of Superheroes can use their magic here.”

  “Great,” I muttered, getting up. “No wonder you guys are so calm around me.”

  “I’m sorry but this means we have to add attempting to escape to the charges against you.” Guinevere shook her head. “Let us get you sentenced.”

  “You mean, judged, right?” I asked, feeling weak.

  “Sure. If you like.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Where I Get the Book Thrown at Me

  Well, I couldn’t argue with the quality of the trial itself. An hour after it began, I was acquitted for every murder except the Typewriter and one of the Ice Cream Man’s henchmen. It was the breaking of the guy’s leg at the bank that got me worst; they considered that malicious and unwarranted. I argued it was warranted because the guy was a smartass.

  That didn’t win me any points with the judges.

  Those crimes, combined with the two robberies I’d committed meant I what was sentenced to a ‘relatively light’ hundred and forty-three years of imprisonment. I was up for parole in thirty-three years. I was being escorted through the Minor Supervillains Wing, which contained a number of people I recognized. There was Amplitude, Mister and Mrs. Chillingsworth, Dreadmaster, Psychoslinger, and even the Black Witch. I said hello to the last one.

  She brushed me off.

  “How long is everyone here for?” I asked.

  “Life. Each supervillain here has accumulated enough to sentence them to spending the rest of their existence behind bars. The Society of Superheroes decided to step in when it was clear regular prisons weren’t equipped to handle supervillains. It’s our hope to correct the whole revolving door of incarceration. Unfortunately, it was too late to serve as a deterrent.”

  “Moon justice is harsh.”

  I had to say, the prison level was different than I expected. Unlike the dark and dreary prisons of Falconcrest City, New Avalon’s prison was bright and well-lit. Most of the rooms were filled with furniture and amenities.

  The Society of Superheroes didn’t seem to be punishing thei
r prisoners; they just seemed to be locking them away from the rest of society. It was like Guantanamo Bay crossed with Good Housekeeping. That didn’t change my desire to leave. The thought of being separated from Mandy for the rest of my life was terrifying. I’d been in the Society of Superheroes’ custody for just a few hours but I was ready to do anything to get out.

  “Really, I think the trial went well.” Guinevere’s good cheer was starting to irritate me.

  “I think it could have gone better. You could have shot me.”

  “Oh, you’re just upset you were found guilty.”

  “You think?”

  Guinevere gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “You’ve been a good sport, Merciless. Maybe we can find some way to shave off time from your sentence. You could start by making ice cream for kids or lighting campfires for the Boy Scouts.”

  “Or killing supervillains. I was good at that.”

  “Unlikely,” Guinevere said, treating my suggestion as a serious one. “We prefer our inmates not get involved in violent professions. The Society of Superheroes doesn’t believe in the death penalty. Permanent incarceration is much more humane.”

  “I don’t suppose I could persuade you I’ve turned over a new leaf?” I gave a fake smile. “I’ll spend the rest of my life fighting crime instead of committing it. I swear on my mother’s grave.”

  “Your mother is alive.”

  “That’s the point!” I said back to him.

  Guinevere stared into my eyes, her dazzling beauty once more mesmerizing me. “Would your reformation be the truth?”

  I started to drool again, speaking in a dull voice, “No, I’m telling you this because I want to get out. My mother is also alive. She is deeply ashamed of the fact I didn’t amount to anything.”

  Guinevere lightly slapped me across the face again.

  “Dammit!” I said, snapping out of it. “Stop doing that!”

  Guinevere shrugged. “You’re not the first villain to try that, Merciless. In any case, I think you’ll like your living conditions. We’ve run out of space in the Minor Supervillains Ward so we’re putting you in the Archvillains Wing. The quarters are much larger there.”