Well done, the Terrible Voice said. Now make four piles. I was disappointed but obeyed. When I was done, my dices were a little smashed and my hands slimy but I had my four piles. Before I started to eat the one pile I knew the Terrible Voice would allow me, I turned to wash my hands. Standing there was Jack.
“Oh!” I cried out. I had been so focused on cutting my banana up I hadn’t noticed him walk into the kitchen. His face was not one of happiness. He looked at me, then my plate, and back to me.
Quick! Throw the plate away so he doesn’t see! I grabbed it and tossed it in the garbage. My heart started racing from being caught. I didn’t know what to do. I turned on the hot water and stuck my slimy hands beneath the tap.
“Penelope,” Jack said in a calm voice and turned the water off. “The Terrible Voice, It is back, no?”
No, I wanted to lie but my mouth wouldn’t move. I was saved by the appearance of Millie.
She looked awful, a little green around the gills, and she had a small scratch on her chin. She was still dressed in a silvery club dress but had topped it with one of Jack’s Princeton sweatshirts and on her feet were my fuzzy slippers I left in the kitchen the day before.
“Coffee,” I said to her, “are you up for some?”
“Yes,” she replied in a quiet voice. “And do you have time to talk?”
“Of course,” I said with a smile, drying my hands. “I always have time to talk to you.”
“Sestra,” Jack said. “Would you please head up to your room? I need to talk to Penny for just a moment.”
“Sure,” she said and rather slowly, walked out of the kitchen.
“There is something I want to talk to you about but Millie is the priority,” he said and poured himself a cup of coffee.
“Have you two been talking this whole time?” I asked.
“Yes, it has been difficult but necessary and I think productive.” He added several spoonfuls of sugar to his coffee and I handed him the cream. “She is willing to go to treatment but she wants to talk to you first.”
“That’s great,” I said with happiness bubbling up in me.
“And then I want to talk to you about you,” he said and my bubble popped.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied, turned on my socked heel, and headed up to Millie’s room with a cup of coffee for her. Her door was closed and I knocked lightly. She opened it. On her bed was an empty suitcase.
“I’m going to go to that facility in Arizona,” she said with her gaze down. “It’s time for me to stop.”
“Millie,” I said with emotion building up in me, “I’m so proud of you for making this decision.” I gave her a great big hug and she started crying into my shoulder.
“I’m scared, Penny,” she sobbed. I led her over to her bed and sat her down.
“Scared about what?”
“I’m afraid I can’t do this. I can finally see how my drinking and drug use is affecting you and Jack and I want to do this right.”
“Millie, you need to do this for yourself,” I said, keeping my words gentle. “You don’t like how the drinking and such makes you act, do you?”
“Not anymore,” she admitted. “But I’ve hurt you. I need to do this for you and for Jack and for the kiddos.”
“You need to do this for you, Millie, so you can live the best life for yourself. Understand?” Millie nodded although it was a reluctant nod. “Would you like me to help you pack?”
“That would be great,” she replied sheepishly. “Jack is flying with me to Phoenix and I want you to go too. Jack already talked to Danny and he’s willing to stay with the kids until Crystal gets back from New York. Please go with us. It’ll mean a lot to me.” Millie’s eyes were rimmed with more tears and I couldn’t turn her down. Even though the kids were sick with the stomach flu or recovering from it, I knew how important this was for Millie.
“Of course I’ll go,” I said.
“There’s something I want to tell you, though,” she added. “Jack told me how you blame yourself for my problems.” Anger at Jack flared within me. It must have showed on my face. “Don’t be mad at Jack. I’m glad he told me. I don’t want you to feel it’s your fault. I’m the one that took the first drink. You did nothing but try and help me and I nearly got you killed in Atlantic City.”
“Don’t be overly dramatic,” I corrected her. “Not a hair on my head was harmed.”
“Still, it was scary. Jack wants to blame himself also but it’s not his fault and it’s not your fault. You guys did as much as possible to help me but I was the one who picked up the bottle. So, I’m asking both you and Jack to stop blaming yourselves. Okay?”
“How did Jack respond to that request?”
“He said it would take time,” she replied.
“That sounds like an appropriate response for me too.”
. . .
Back in the dated bedroom, Jack and I spent all night reminiscing about that eventful New Year’s Day. We were in Phoenix by midafternoon, settled Millie in at the treatment facility, and then caught the red eye back to Philly. Millie spent six months in rehab and returned to Voorhees on June 30th. It was Jack’s idea to take a short trip to the cabin to celebrate. He needed to leave on a flight out late on the 5th to Los Angeles but he never made it. That was the 4th of July of the accident.
* * *
Chapter 17
“Damn it,” Millie swore as she dumped the third burnt grilled cheese sandwich into the sink.
“You said a bad word!” Annie yelled from the table where she and her siblings waited for lunch. They were an impatient bunch.
“And I’ll say another fucking bad word if I burn another damn sandwich,” she growled and struggled to butter a piece of bread. She had Little Sofie perched on her hip which didn’t help. It was a bad Saturday so far with three major blowouts between various kids, Natalya running off after she refused to get off her phone when Millie asked her to fold laundry, and Little Sofie was being clingier. She was also having intestinal problems from the new nutritional shake the doctor started her on. Since waking up at six, Little Sofie had two runny diapers that required her to be bathed. Millie was waiting on a call from the doctor’s office for additional help with the situation.
A banging on the table caused Millie to jump. Leo was slamming his plastic cup onto the pine table. He was angry with his signed words.
I want food now! he demanded.
“I. Am. Trying,” Millie replied and put the new sandwich on the grill pan. Smoke billowed right away. “Damn it!” She had to put her niece down; she just couldn’t do two things at once. As soon as Little Sofie’s feet – one socked, one bare – hit the floor, she screamed bloody murder. Millie had to ignore her and managed to finally get a grilled cheese sandwich done, only partially burnt. The garage door slammed open and Natalya ran in and up the back stairs. Danny walked in behind her, a sullen look on his face. He had gone out to find her after she ran off two hours earlier.
“She was at Taylor’s,” he said and picked up Little Sofie whose ambulance wail then stopped. Leo again slammed his cup down. Millie glared at him and did not feel guilty about it. She cut the one sandwich she had done into squares and set the plate down hard in front of him. He sneered at the sandwich and then her. He shoved the plate away.
“What the hell’s wrong with it?” she demanded/signed.
I want triangles, not squares! Penny always gave me triangles!
“Well, I’m not Penny!” Millie screamed at her nephew.
That’s for sure!
Millie picked up the plate and threw it down hard onto the hardwood floor which caused pieces of plate and sandwich to scatter across the floor.
“I’m doing the best I can but none of you understand that!” She ran up to her room and slammed the door just as Natalya had done a few minutes earlier.
The tears did not fall right away as she paced back and forth. Her anger at the whole situation held her hostage. Six weeks had passed since the ki
dnapping and even with the added manpower, the FBI were no closer to finding Jack and Penny. It was a case of vanishing without a trace.
Then, the dam opened up and the tears flowed. Millie sank to her knees and cried until her face was swollen and her throat hurt from the anguished screams she let loose. She didn’t care if she scared the kids or looked weak; she had a terrible pressure inside that needed release. Frustration, fear, worry all contributed to this pressure and if she did not liberate it, Millie knew she’d reach for the tiny bottle of vodka hidden in her underwear drawer. It was her crutch. Drinking it would be a terrible setback but every day she thought of it and knew it could relieve her stress. It would be her downfall, however, if she did that. It would also harm the rest of the family. She, with Danny, was desperately trying to hold the kids together but every day consisted of more failures than wins and the failures were weighing on her.
The tears stopped but the emotional hangover dragged her down more and she climbed up on her bed. Sleep since the kidnapping had been poor but she felt as if she could sleep for a thousand days and she did not fight the sleep fairy when she came for her.
. . .
Millie slept for six hours. She didn’t want to wake up but her body had recharged. Her heart, however, wanted to be back in the dream. It wasn’t a dream, rather, but a memory. Penny was there and Millie was twelve years old. It was before she became a stinker and she thought she knew everything. It was July and Millie was in her old bedroom in the basement. She was upset and a little frightened. When she woke up that morning, she discovered she had started her period for the first time. After finding the starter pack of supplies the school nurse gave all the girls, she felt too different to go up to breakfast.
There was a knock on her door. It was Penny. The moment she saw her mother figure, Millie started bawling. Penny led her over to the bed, hugged her, rubbed her back, and soothed her through tender words. The cry felt good and Millie felt safe with Penny, as always.
“Don’t tell the brat’ya, okay?” she requested and wiped her nose with the tissue Penny offered her. “I’m embarrassed.”
“I understand, sweetie,” she said with her kind smile. “But what happened today is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are becoming a woman. I know that sounds like a cliché but it’s true. And if you’re ever confused about anything you’re uncomfortable talking to Jack or Danny about, remember you can always come to me.”
“Thank you, Penny,” she said and gave her a hug.
“All the kids have plans for this afternoon or are hanging with Jack so I thought you and I could hit the mall and do a little damage to my bank account and then fancy ourselves up at the spa. How does that sound?”
It had been a fun afternoon and Penny took Millie to a fancy restaurant in Philly for dinner and then went and saw Legally Blonde. They came home after everyone else was in bed but Jack waited up for them. He wouldn’t let them go to bed until they each ate a bowl of ice cream out on the deck and told them about their day. Penny, however, said it was a girl’s day out and those days were secret and Jack respected that. Millie felt nothing but admiration for both of them.
She watched them interact as she ate her rocky road. They were so natural together and that moment was the first time she wished Penny and Jack were a couple. Jack was her brother but he also had the ability to be a father and, of course, Penny was her mother figure. She wanted them both as her parents. They replaced her own mama and papa so perfectly. Even when she nearly gave them strokes from her terrible teenage behavior, they were never judgmental or stopped loving her.
Back in her bedroom, Millie’s heart ached. She needed Jack back but she needed Penny more. Not because she was the one who ran the house so smoothly. No, she needed her mother back to tell her everything was going to be okay, just as she had done so many times before.
There was a light knocking on her door.
“It’s open,” she said. Her voice was thick with exhaustion and sadness. It was Danny and he was carrying Little Sofie. The little girl was snuggled against her uncle with Teddy, the stuffed bear Jack gave her for her last birthday when she turned four, and the crinkled photograph of Penny and Jack tucked in between her and Danny. Wrapped twice around the little girl’s tiny wrist was Penny’s charm bracelet. This had been an unexpected gift from Penny on Little Sofie’s first day of preschool. These three items could never be out of Little Sofie’s grasp unless it was bath time.
Danny sat on the bed. Little Sofie crawled out of Danny’s hold and sat on her knees between the two of them. Her gaze was painful. She now wore two socks – they did not match – but a different outfit than before Millie’s meltdown.
“Did she have more diarrhea?” Millie asked.
“Yes, but the doctor changed the supplement and she thinks the diarrhea will stop. If she still has problems tomorrow, Dr. Shelly wants us to call her and she’ll meet us at the hospital,” he explained. It had been two weeks since the feeding button had been implanted and Little Sofie was still losing weight although not as fast as when she wasn’t eating. “How are you feeling? I checked on you a couple hours ago and you were out for the count.”
“I’m okay,” she replied, “but I feel like such a failure. I yelled at Leo.” Danny pulled out an envelope from his track pants and gave it to her.
“It’s an apology. Leo’s sorry for his role in the incident. And you are not a failure.”
Millie snorted at her brother.
“Brat, I don’t think anyone has any matching socks anymore,” she said and stuck out her own feet. One of her socks was red and the other purple. Danny wore one white and one gray athletic sock. “Did Penny ever have socks run away?”
“No, but Natalya ran away on her multiple times and so did you. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You, and I, are doing the best we can.”
“But our best sucks,” she moped. “The house is a mess, the laundry situation is beyond describable, Natalya is failing all her classes and Leo can’t go a week at school without getting into a fight. Annie and Karie and Sasha are so quiet I don’t know if they’re okay or not. The kids ate cereal for dinner last night. Jack would have had a hissy about that and Penny would…”
“And Penny would have loved you regardless, sestra.”
“We didn’t even light Shabbat candles last night. Jack would be so disappointed in me,” she said and drooped her shoulders.
“Jack would be proud of you and so would Penny. Please believe me, Millie,” implored Danny. “Yes, we’re struggling. I’m not going to deny that and I have many moments where I feel like a failure also but we can’t let the struggle get to us or we’ll definitely go under. This isn’t an ordinary situation we’re dealing with.”
“We need to do something, Danny,” she said. “I don’t want Jack and Penny to come home to this mess both with the house and the kids.” Something had to change. Millie had a terrible feeling if it didn’t, it would just be a matter of time before they lost their grip on everything and that could just not happen.
An hour later, they gathered all the kids down in the family room, even Natalya. Millie and Danny sat on the padded ottoman – Little Sofie clinging to Millie – and the kids were lined up on the couch from oldest to youngest. Danny and Millie were blunt but also gentle with the kids. They let the children voice their frustrations and it helped to get all the issues out in the open. Danny took notes, made agreements with Natalya about her grades and Leo about his behavior, and Millie asked for help with some of the basic household chores. The meeting lasted almost two hours but Millie felt like progress was made.
Later that night, Millie sat in the rocking chair in Little Sofie’s room. Her niece would not fall asleep so as they did often, they sat together in the chair and rocked back and forth. The oak chair had been a gift to Elizaveta from Alexsandr when they found out she was pregnant with Millie. The adult Millie could not envision herself as a baby being rocked by her mother. No, her memory of the chair was being about Littl
e Sofie’s age and curled up in Penny’s lap just as Little Sofie was curled up in hers. Jack had taken Crystal to the hospital; she was in labor and Jack asked Penny to watch Millie and also keep an eye on Danny.
Millie was scared. Her memories of hospitals at that time were around her parents and their deaths. She was afraid Jack would not come home and she would not fall asleep until she saw him again. Nothing Penny said convinced Millie that Jack was okay so they sat in the rocking chair and rocked. The chair was in Millie’s bedroom in the tiny apartment she would share with the twins and as they sat in the dark, the phone rang in the living room. A couple minutes later, Danny appeared.
“A boy and a girl,” he said and handed the phone to Penny.
“Congratulations, Jack,” Millie remembered hearing Penny say. After a few moments, she spoke again. “Yes, she’s right here.” She put the phone to Millie’s ear.
“Sestra, how are you?” Jack asked.
“I’m scared,” she replied. “I’m afraid I won’t see you again just like when Papa was in the hospital.”
“This is different, Millie. I will be home. I promise to come see you tomorrow. Would you like to go to breakfast with me at the diner?”
“Can Penny come with us?”
“Of course, bubbeleh. And Danny will come too. Now, it is late and I want you to be fresh faced for our breakfast date so will you let Penny put you to bed?”
“Yes, Jack.”
“Koroshaya devochka,” he said. “I love you, Millie.”
“I love you, too, Jack.” She hung up on Jack, crawled off of Penny, and into her bed. Penny tucked the blanket over Millie and kissed her forehead. “Pretty Penny?”
“Yes?”
“I love you, too, Penny.”
“And I love you also,” she replied and gave her another forehead kiss.
Rocking back and forth in the dark in Little Sofie’s room, Millie remembered as plain as day the smell of Penny’s hair as she tickled Millie’s nose with the end of her braid. Closing her eyes, she brought up an image of Penny in her mind.
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