by Leah Fleming
My dear friend Madeleine,
I am writing to thank you all for your parcel. My aunt and sister are grateful for the gift and kind thoughts. It is most welcome at this winter time.
We are well enough. It is hard to say what changes in our lives are. We think of you often wit joy and sorrow. We will not be meeting ever again, of that I am certain.
The next two lines were blocked out There was no mention of university, no special words to her, just this polite thank you except for one line.
Summer harvest is ever in our minds. Forgive me.
Your friend in Christ, Dieter Schulte,
Mechthilde and Gisele Schulte
There was not even a return address. The message was clear. Dieter wanted no further correspondence with her. That was what hurt most of all. What on earth was happening over there? Had Dieter forgotten how they had kissed and made promises? Was he in danger for writing to her? Her feelings were so mixed up: anger and pain, disappointment and frustration, and longing to see him again.
Gloria had gone home to Leeds. What was left of Christmas was ruined so what was there to stay for but rows and recriminations? Better to be alone in West Park than be surrounded by warring Belfields.
Maddy walked home calmer now, pausing to look up at the skeletal branches of the avenue of trees. Spiky and cruel, they raked the sky like claws. It was indeed an avenue of tears on that bleak winter morning, she sighed.
She packed her bags, said her goodbyes briskly and caught the first train back to town without a backward glance.
Miss Ffrost was away and the house was chilly. She turned her key in the door, hoping that one of the students might be there for company but the house was empty. Then it snowed and the small barred electric fire gave no heat. She piled on her clothes over her pyjamas and was glad she’d not abandoned the pony-skin jacket. The tiredness didn’t go away and with it came the shivers and aches, so much so that she could stand it no longer and made an appointment to see the doctor at his surgery off St Chad’s Road.
Plum sent a long letter of apology, saying that Gerald had gone to London. Grandma was resigned to their separation but angry, but there were no plans to change things at the Brooklyn immediately. She was sorry that Maddy had witnessed the bust-up but in a way she’d made Gerry face up to the truth of what this was doing to Plum.
Maddy felt mean to have run out on them as she read the rest of the letter. The weather was bad and the drive was blocked. Pleasance had taken to sulking in her room but Plum said she was glad it was all out in the open. ‘Secrets are so draining,’ she confessed.
The snow piled up in the drive of Arncliffe Road too, and Miss Ffrost came back a few days later needing a hand with the shovel. Maddy found herself exhausted and couldn’t shift snow like the others. What was wrong with her?
College restarted early in January but Pinky was snowed in and late to arrive, Caro was digging with her married sister in Bramhope and Bella arrived straight from a party in London full of New Year’s resolutions. It was good to have her friends back. They’d all gone to the panto and she’d treated herself to a symphony concert. The music soothed her anxious spirit at first and then came Beethoven’s Fifth making her think of Dieter, stirring all those feelings up again.
Thelma and Ruth were on a recruitment drive for their Saturday Night Fellowship meetings: ‘You’ll meet some good people there. It’s fun and gets you out of yourself.’
When she heard how Maddy’s Christmas had been so sad, Ruth offered advice, ‘Trust in the Lord and he will provide.’
Ruth was right, Maddy thought, as she sat in the doctor’s waiting room, feeling sick with apprehension, but what if she was sickening for something serious? It was one of her own New Year’s resolutions to get herself fighting fit again. If she was anaemic there were pills to perk her up. She couldn’t ever recall a time when she’d felt so low, perhaps only after the eye operation. Sometimes when she looked in the mirror she thought her eye was turning again. It turned when she was tired and she was tired all the time now.
‘Miss Belfield?’ A voice summoned her into the little sitting room at the back of a large family house. A man with a white beard sat behind a desk and pointed her to the leather upright chair facing him. ‘How can I help?’ He leaned forward, his glasses falling over his nose.
Maddy told him how tired she was and how she felt faint for no reason and was hungry all the time.
‘And when was your last monthly course?’ he asked.
‘You know, I can’t remember. Before Christmas, I think…I’m never very regular…I never have been…’ she replied. What had the curse got to do with anything?
‘I see,’ he answered, and came across to look under her eyelids and in her throat, her ears, took her pulse and blood pressure. ‘Have you lost weight?’
‘No, in fact I’ve filled out. I was always skinny,’ she answered, puzzled by the direction of his questions.
‘You’ve had no periods, you’ve put on weight, do you feel sick?’
‘No, not really just tired.’
‘Since when?’
‘Since I came to Leeds in September,’ she said, struggling to recall when all this began.
‘I’m going to have to examine you.’ The doctor pointed to the screen. ‘Please remove your stockings and suspenders and pants.’
She obliged quickly, really worried now that something was terribly wrong. She lay on the couch while he felt her stomach.
‘Does this hurt?’ he pressed.
‘No.’
‘I see…Have you had an examination before…inside the passage.’
‘No.’
‘Well, I must do it. I can call my wife if you would prefer,’ he said, sounding suddenly very curt.
‘No…I’m fine.’ She opened her legs and felt a burn as he probed inside her with his fingers.
‘You are still a virgin, I see…That is strange.’ He stared down at her with concern. He pressed her stomach and her insides together? ‘How unfortunate,’ he sighed, taking off his glasses.
Now Maddy was really worried. ‘Have I a growth?’ she mumbled, thinking the worst while she stared at the green curtain of the screen, a sad theatre gown shade.
‘You have a growth but not what you think. How it got there…Have you had sexual relations with someone recently?’ he asked, not looking at her directly but through the corner of his eye as if he was trying to sum her up.
‘No!’ she protested. ‘I did have a boyfriend, but not now.’
‘When was that, then?’
‘In the summer holidays. Actually, for a few weeks, and then he left to go abroad to Germany.’
‘In the Forces?’
‘No, he was an exchange student…What’s this got to do with me feeling tired?’
‘I’m sorry to have to tell you, Miss Belfield, but you are going to have a child.’
Maddy sat up, rigid. ‘But I can’t be. We never did…’ She paused, feeling so shocked.
‘So I see. No penetration occurred but enough seepage to, well, swim its way…you young people will go in for heavy petting, I think is the term.’
Maddy blushed. ‘We were close, yes, but we…we thought it was safe. He was so careful…’ Her words faded away.
‘Not careful enough. I’m afraid you’ve been most unlucky but these things happen.’ Maddy was shivering. ‘But we were careful. We knew it was wrong to go inside before marriage.’ She pulled down her skirt, desperate to hold on to some dignity.
‘You were very foolish. A little sperm goes a long way and even a virgin has a few gaps. You ride horses perhaps, or do ballet?’ the doctor asked, washing his hands in the sink.
‘Both,’ she replied. ‘But it can’t be true?’
‘You say you can’t recall your last monthly course. I would guess it was last July so that makes you about five months into your term. I can feel this by the size of the womb. Haven’t you noticed any changes in your body, young lady?’
‘Only that
I had filled out–I was so pleased not to be straight up and down…but I can’t be pregnant! What’ll I do?’
‘Is there any chance the young man will marry you?’
Maddy shook her head. ‘He lives near Dresden. Since he went home I have had only one censored letter. I think he is trapped there.’
‘That’s a pity for both of you. Then it gives me no option but to book you into a home for unfortunate girls like yourself where you will be confined until such times and then we can arrange for adoption. Have you a family to support you?’
‘My parents died in the war. I have an aunt and grandmother in the country but I do not want to worry them.’
‘You should’ve thought of that before you engaged in such sexual behaviour. You have been very silly and unlucky. Very few are caught this way. I will give you iron tablets to build up your strength. You are run down. This baby is draining strength from you. You are entitled to milk tokens and welfare juice but I have to charge you for examinations. Unfortunately this new National Health Service hasn’t started yet so treatments must be paid for.’
Maddy stood up and then felt faint and sat down again.
‘You’re in shock, young lady. This is not what you expected.’ The doctor’s voice was full of concern now.
Maddy shook her head trying not to weep. ‘I thought I was just run down. Things are not easy, My uncle and aunt have separated. My grandma is furious. I can’t burden them with this too.’
‘You have work here?’
‘I’m a student.’ She preferred not to say anything more. ‘I do have a little income of my own. But I’ve let the family down. What am I going to do now?’
‘Go back to your digs and try to rest. There’s always a way forward. The growth in your stomach is new life, not something sinister. Unexpected and unwelcome it might be but it is another human being to bring into this world. To bring a child up alone will take money, support and understanding people around you. A child needs loving parents to nurture it. Are you sure you are the right person to do this? Are you strong enough to face the disgrace to come for your family and your standing in society?’
Maddy didn’t want to hear another word. ‘How much do I owe you?’
‘The lady at the desk will see to that. Go home and rest and pray to your God to guide you through to the right decision. We will make arrangements for your confinement at our next appointment.’
Maddy stumbled out of the surgery into the grey afternoon. The wind was ripping through her tweed suit and up her legs. The pain was still smarting from his examination. Her eyes blinked back the tears in the dusty street. She stood at the bus stop in a daze, letting buses pass by and turned north to walk uphill to the roundabout at West Park, her heart thumping in her ribcage.
Pregnant, with child…It was all thundering around her head like a tolling bell. All this time she’d not noticed…or had she? She’d seen the blue paper package of the sanitary towels sitting unopened in the back of her drawer for months, and she’d refused to see the message they were giving her.
This was the loneliest walk of her life, worse even than the night of the blitz. She had done this to herself. Up the hill, she trudged, round the bend where the white stuccoed house in Arncliffe Road was waiting, up the brown varnished hallway and stairs with the brass rods across the mottled green carpet–not forgetting to take her shoes off as was Miss Ffrost’s rule–up two flights to the attic. She walked over to the drawer to see if those towels were still there and yanked them out, throwing them across the floor in disgust. How could she have been so blind?
Staring at herself in the mirror, she turned this way and that. She was still slim even though her waist was thicker. In a long cardigan and jumper no one could tell, but she knew she was changed for ever by this startling fact.
Inside her was new life and one day it would grow so big that she’d have to let it go and the whole world would know what she’d done. Dismissal from college would then be on the cards, she’d be the talking point of Sowerthwaite, and Grandma would have an apoplectic fit. She was no better than poor Eunice Billingham or Enid Cartwright. They’d had to face the furore and now it was her turn.
Maddy curled up on the bed, piling all the blankets over her head. She could hang on a little longer, not show her secret shame for a few more weeks. She was going to pretend none of it was happening yet, go about her studies, keep herself to herself, and just hope when the time came she’d have the courage to face it all.
Curled in a ball she could hide from this cruel world. She didn’t want to think about any of it. She’d gone for some pills and this was the bitter pill she’d have to swallow alone. Then she recalled something in her autograph book that Grace Battersby had written all those years ago when she was sad. Painted over some dark clouds was a rainbow and the words: ‘All things pass, so will this.’
But it didn’t feel like that now. Once a child was born it was there for ever. This event would never pass. It was just the beginning of for ever.
Maddy sobbed and hugged herself, waiting for sleep to overcome her.
14
Plum stared into the firelight–yet another freezing winter in Sowerthwaite to endure. Brooklyn Hall was an ice box to live in. Pleasance Belfield hugged the fire too, but there was little warmth to glean from it. She refused to sit by the Rayburn stove in the kitchen. That would be lowering her standards too much. It was bad enough in her eyes, having only a daily now and no live-in help. Grace Battersby came in with her cheery smile from her cottage on the High Street as she had done with the evacuees all those years ago.
Maddy hadn’t been home for weeks, since the weather in Leeds was awful and she was preparing for a typing speed test and exams. Gloria said she’d met her by the town hall steps and they’d gone for lunch, but no one had news of anything in these grim months.
Gerry kept away but wrote to his mother. He’d found a new position in a city bank, but no mention of his mistress was made to upset Pleasance. He said he might be back to shoot in the autumn and do a little hunting–just to keep things looking normal, Plum thought–but he was content to let things stew on the matter of their divorce.
In truth she’d put off seeing her solicitor too. There were a litter of pups on the way and horses to exercise. They were all acting as if the events of Christmas hadn’t happened but the chill between the Plum and Pleasance inside Brooklyn was not as easy to address as the freezing temperature outside.
This place was too big, too empty, too cold and sad. It should be sold, except no one would want to live in a barn like this unless it were a hotel or a convalescent home for old miners with bad lungs. It could make a good prep school with playing fields, noisy children bringing the house back to life. It needed children, not old folks now.
Plum had seen Pleasance stumbling up the stairs, clinging to the banister rail for dear life. How she’d aged in the last few months. Disappointment had sucked in her cheeks and tightened her mouth. Naturally she wanted to blame Plum for not being a good enough wife.
‘You should’ve gone to London…never taken on that blessed hostel. You could have sorted things out. Gerry needs a firm hand. It’s beyond me! Whatever will people think when they find out?’ she whined like a child deprived of its sweetie.
‘Oh, Mother, what does it matter? We’re not the only ones going through this, I’m sure. Gerald is his own master. I was always just the little country wife to him, expendable. We’ve grown apart. We married too quickly and never got a chance to know each other…’
‘You should’ve kept some mystery, some allure. Look at you, dressed in old slacks like a farm labourer. You scrub up perfectly when you bother to take the trouble. A man likes to see his wife at her prettiest, eager, ready to greet him when he returns. He always had to root round the kennels to find you.’
‘At least dogs don’t let you down,’ Plum snapped, tired of this constant criticism. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t keep your errant son from straying off the porch. I’m sorry I’
m not the kind of glamour puss he obviously prefers and I’m sorry I didn’t give you an heir to train up. No, I mean, I’m glad there’s no poor boy to be spoiled and trained in his father’s footsteps!’
‘Prunella! That’s not like you! I didn’t mean to bring up that subject.’ Pleasance put down her knitting and sighed.
‘Oh, but it’s there, underneath the surface, day in and out, and I’m so sick of hearing how I have failed in my duty. It’s me that keeps this blessed place going. I do my duty in Sowerthwaite. I kept the home fires burning so I think it’s time for a life of my own. I shall leave at the end of the month. It’s time I found my own place and started afresh.’
‘But what about Brooklyn? I can’t manage on my own.’
‘I know that, but you have choices. Get Gerry to pay for a housekeeper…that’s all I’ve been for the past six years. Look around you, Mother. This mausoleum needs a new life or pulling down. It’s too grand and ridiculous. We’ll become two old biddies rattling round waiting for someone to visit us. It’s pathetic,’ said Plum, surprised at the venom of her words. Years of frustration were spilling out of her mouth.
‘You ungrateful girl! How dare you talk to me like this? I’ve sacrificed two sons for my country. You’ve had it easy all these years. You never were my first choice for Gerald.’
‘Oh, and don’t I know it! I’ve had that fact seeping into my pores for years but I had my uses, or had you forgotten? How much of my own income has kept this tanker afloat? Gerry’s wartime pay never made a dent into the upkeep of this mausoleum. Now it’s about time the place kept itself. You’re living in the past, Pleasance.’ Plum sat down, suddenly weary of their quarrelling.
‘The past is all I have these days…no future to look forward to but creaking bones and killing time,’ came the reply. ‘When there’s no heir to pass on all you’ve created, no Belfields to come—’
‘There’s Maddy.’
‘She’s a girl.’
‘So is Princess Elizabeth. Maddy’s a Belfield and one day she’ll make us proud. You can pass it on to her and let her make something of this albatross round our necks.’