by Leah Fleming
‘And that’s why I can’t come with you. It wouldn’t be right,’ she replied.
‘Not right?’
‘You know.’ Her voice trembled. ‘I can’t spend the night with you…I’m not ready…It’s not right.’
‘But I thought—’ he said.
‘I’m sorry, Greg, but I’m not that sort of girl.’
There was a silence between them and with a sinking heart he knew he’d got it terribly wrong.
‘Forgive me. I think too highly of you to compromise your morals…I love you too much,’ he added, kissing her forehead.
‘And I love you.’ She didn’t look at him.
‘So what’s wrong?’ he asked, puzzled by this unexpected resistance. ‘I respect you and I can wait. I know you’re not the sort of girl to mess around with. When I was abroad, well, you know what soldiers are…I did the usual things, but you are so special to me.’ There was an awkward silence. ‘I just thought it was time…I got it all wrong, didn’t I?’
‘A bit…I made my mind up ages ago not do anything until I’m married. I want to make it special on my wedding night. I want things to be perfect.’
‘You want a ring on your finger…I see. I’m not quite in a position for that yet. In a year or two…’ He was too stunned to continue.
‘Neither am I, Greg. Let’s not jump the gun…just forget all this.’
Her words were like ice in her heart. He suddenly felt stupid. How could he have misread the signals?
‘It’s not that important,’ she added.
‘Oh, but it is,’ he replied. ‘You’re right. I’m glad you’ve got standards. I saw too many poor girls flinging themselves down on their backs for the price of a loaf, selling their bodies so cheaply. I want my wife to be mine alone. I don’t want a slice off a cut loaf so I’m willing to wait.’
Somehow the romance of the evening evaporated from that point onwards; the balloon popped and there was nothing he could do to rescue things.
Maddy pecked him on the cheek. ‘I’d better be going then. I can get a taxi.’
‘Don’t even think about it. The car’s parked round the back. I’ll walk you to the door.’
They drove back to her flat in silence and she jumped out, feeling sick at this turn of events. She kicked off her slippers and raced up the stairs with her key, her lips trembling with disappointment, fear and confusion.
What is wrong with me? I’ve ruined everything. Why can’t I just jump into bed with him? It’s not as if I don’t want his body and his love. I’ve humiliated him. He thinks I don’t care, that I’m only interested in marriage. How can I explain how afraid it makes me to let myself go…without telling him the truth? I am a slice off a cut loaf. He couldn’t have spoke truer words.
The last time I let myself be carried away…I can’t risk the fear. I have to be safe, safe within marriage, no more mistakes. Damn and blast, the past is past and I can’t alter a thing. Would it matter to him if I wasn’t a virgin?
Somehow she sensed that it would. That was the scariest thing of all. Maddy threw off her gown and flung herself on the bed, sobbing into the pillow. How could she have got it so wrong? There was still so much to Greg Byrne she didn’t understand.
Greg drove back to the hotel in a daze. How stupid could he get, trying to be sophisticated! What a total mess he’d made of it! Was he out of his mind? It wasn’t that didn’t want her. He’d made love to her in his mind for months, ever since the first night he’d clapped eyes on her–but perhaps she didn’t feel the same. A girl of her class would want a honeymoon in Paris in the best hotel. Maddy deserved only the best, a lovely wedding day, a precious ring. He couldn’t give her any of those things yet. Now he’d spoiled everything. She thought he was looking for a quick fumble.
She was his princess. Everything must be perfect and if it meant taking things slowly, he’d wait even though his groin ached with longing to touch her and make love to her.
Old habits died hard. She was a Belfield, after all, a posh bird, as Charlie called her. Perhaps he ought to write to Mrs Plum and ask permission to court her seriously like they did in the olden days. There was no one else in her family to ask.
What if Plum turned him down as unsuitable? Once an evacuee, always an evacuee…the outsider, one of the roughies bounced from one place to the other. He had good prospects. He was as good as any other man, he’d fought for his country but somehow it wouldn’t be enough. He had no parents, no education, nothing but his hands to make his way. He would hold his own with any of the rally crowd, given time. His accent was rough but it could be tempered to suit polite company. He’d learned early to bend the truth to please and do the chameleon act when needed. He would not be put down by anybody.
He’d thought the two of them were soul mates, who together would make up for their own sad starts in life, no more wars and disaster. He could see it all in his mind’s eye. He’d work his fingers raw to make sure no one looked down on his family.
They must have what he had never got: a loving family, a stable home and a decent education. He needed no handouts to provide for his own.
Perhaps Maddy hadn’t understood how desperately he wanted things to be perfect and now they were all muddled up. To her everything must be done in the correct order. That was the big mistake.
As he parked up in the side street under the gaslamp, pulling out a cigarette, he felt like a seven-year-old stripped of his treat. He wanted to cry. How could he have got it so wrong? How could he make it right again?
Spring was late but Plum had sniffed romance in the air the last time she saw Maddy with Greg. There’d been a sparkle in Maddy’s eyes she’d never seen before and this was the season for new blossom and hope.
Maddy was busy as usual, but they were all going to be together like old times. Food rationing and austerity could go hang this weekend. They’d have all the trimmings, fires in every room and flowers everywhere.
Springtime in the Dales was so lovely: the shimmering greens of the leaves, the crocuses and daffodils, and aconites in the drive, and if they were lucky the bleating of the new-born lambs in the lower slopes.
Gloria was bustling around, whistling to herself. She was a strange girl, with her up-and-down moods. Perhaps she’d bring over her Ken from Bradford–the one they’d never met. Dancing was her latest craze and she was off on the train with Alison, who worked in the local chemist, her new friend to find dance halls and better partners.
‘I wonder if we’ll be hearing wedding bells,’ Plum voiced to Gloria as they were dipping hard-boiled eggs in onion skins for the Sunday School Easter Pace egg race, when painted eggs were rolled down a steep slope on Pie Crust Hill.
‘Whose wedding bells?’ shouted Gloria, dunking the shells in the dye.
‘Why, Maddy and Greg’s, of course!’ Plum laughed. She heard an egg crack as it fell on the stone floor.
‘What gives you that idea, Mrs Belfield?’ Gloria bent over to pick up the bits of shell.
‘It’s pretty obvious what’s going on between those two lovebirds, isn’t it?’
‘Maddy’s said nothing to me,’ Gloria snapped. ‘I’d think I’d know summat. He’s not her sort…you know.’
‘Isn’t he?’ Plum was puzzled. She’d thought them well suited in looks and height.
‘Nah! Maddy’s all for her career. It’ll fold if she gets wed. I don’t think she’s ready to settle down proper or spend time slopping out nappy buckets and dusting china, not after the life she’s having now.’
‘You do surprise me. I always thought she’d love to settle down with a family of her own. One day this house will be hers now Gerald’s not in the picture. Oh well, perhaps I got it all wrong. I must be getting out of touch with you young folk. Pity though. They’d make a fine couple down the aisle.’
Gloria nearly squeezed the egg into her hand. Lovely couple indeed! It was not going to happen. Greg was meant for her. He might not know it yet but he’d soon get tired of Maddy’s quiet homebody ways if they lived in the
country.
He was full of energy, get up and go. A man like that was going to get rich and join all the best clubs in the district. He’d needed a woman to satisfy those energies and desires: someone as ambitious as himself.
He’d need someone who’d enjoy spending money, dressing up to show off her figure. He needed a girl like Gloria, someone who would not be afraid to flash his wealth around.
Maddy was boring. All she wanted to do was ride Monty, walk the dogs and read books by the fire when she came home. She’d sensed there’d been a cooling off between the couple of late.
It was her duty to stop this right now, at a stroke. Greg was going to make an awful mistake if he hitched himself to her. Gloria must save him from himself. Could he not see that she was the right girl, waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces?
They had both hurled themselves up from nothing. They were two of a kind and made for each other. He couldn’t see it yet because he was dazzled by Maddy’s fancy looks and manners. That was all show. Underneath she was plain boring and ordinary and not glamorous at all, while she, Gloria, was a daredevil, a naughty girl who’d excite his passion and give him the best sex now she’d learned a few tricks from Ken.
She’d soothe his brow and then make him wild. Ken said she was a born sexpot but first she had to make Maddy disappear from the scene. Once she was gone then it would be Gloria’s turn to console him. She had to be cruel to be kind to both of them. One day they’d thank her for it.
It was a relief to be back in the Brooklyn. Maddy was kneeling on the rug, wrapping up Greg’s birthday present in her bedroom. She’d bought him a cashmere jumper that had cost all her clothing coupons.
They’d sort of made it up since the misunderstanding after the ball, but were still being careful with each other. She tried to feel flattered by his proposition but she still didn’t feel comfortable explaining her reluctance. She hardly understood it herself. The fear of another pregnancy would always be at the back of her mind, no matter what precautions they took.
This weekend they were going to go walking together, talk things through, and she half wondered if he’d suggest putting things on a proper footing. It was a few days to enjoy the Dales and give Greg a well-deserved rest.
Then Gloria barged in without knocking. ‘Sorry to disturb, but I need a word.’
‘Fire away, Gloria. I’m just finishing off this. It’s a jumper for Greg, and this,’ she said, holding up a wrapped package.
Gloria laughed. ‘What’s that, carpet slippers and a pipe?’
‘No, it’s a holder for his maps, made from calfskin leather. I know they shove the maps in the back of the car but I just thought it might be useful, don’t you think…on rallies?’
‘I suppose so, but a bit boring. I’ve got him some aftershave lotion, cost a bomb. Strictly under the counter but, what the hell, he’ll smell divine.’ Gloria grinned.
‘That’s a bit personal…aftershave?’ Maddy looked up, surprised.
‘Not at all. Anyway, I’ve known him since Adam were a lad. It was me who started writing to him in the army. We’re good mates. You don’t own him.’
‘Of course not, but it’s just that this weekend is special. I think he’s going to tell Plum we’d like to get engaged soon,’ she whispered, blushing.
There was a deafening silence. Then Gloria plonked herself on the bed and sighed.
‘Do you really think that’s wise, Maddy? He’s not your type at all. I’d not rush into anything yet. You don’t really know him. It’s only been a few months since you met up.’ There was something in the way Gloria was shaking her head that was unnerving.
‘You know how it is,’ Maddy replied, shocked by Gloria’s words. ‘Love comes and suddenly it feels so right. It happens and you just know,’ she smiled, hoping to win her friend round.
‘Do you? I’d think with your history you should be careful.’ Gloria’s eyes were full of concern.
Maddy sat up, puzzled. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, there’s poor old Dieter, for a start, and his baby…That’s not something you spring on a fella like Greg, now is it?’
‘You wouldn’t say anything about that?’ Maddy said, sensing the atmosphere in the room tensing.
‘Of course not–I’m your friend. I’m just trying to be honest here. Although you can’t deceive him about something as important as that, can you? I’d walk away from him now before he gets hurt.’
‘But I love him!’ Maddy felt tears welling.
‘I can see that, love. I’m just making the point why I think you and Greg are not suited. Underneath all that charm, he’s ambitious, an old-fashioned guy at heart, like the rest of them. Believe me, he’ll not take kindly to your confession. We don’t always get the response that we want, do we? We both know that. You’ve got a wonderful job, the envy of thousands of girls.’
‘But I’d give that up willingly. I don’t care about prancing around in new clothes.’ Maddy stood up, staring out of the window, feeling sick. Gloria’s honesty was chilling her heart.
‘Well, we do! We’re all so proud of you. Don’t be a chump. Don’t spoil your career just as its going so well. There’ll be other Gregs, but you can’t deceive him or let him down.’
‘But if I refuse him, I am letting him down.’ Why was Gloria taking this stance?
‘Look, do you want me to prepare the way? Then you could let him down gently. It’s in his best interest.’ Gloria continued fingering the presents with a sigh.
‘But what about mine? He’ll think I’ve rejected him and he’ll be so hurt. He’ll think it’s a class thing…You know I don’t care about any of that,’ she pleaded, knowing they’d only just got over the last misunderstanding.
‘So what if he thinks it is? We’ll stand by him. Charlie, me and Plum will make sure he doesn’t go too wild. Don’t worry, leave it with me, but you must tell him the truth before you both commit to each other. It’s only fair.’
‘Are you sure?’ Maddy’s mind was racing to keep up with Gloria’s argument.
‘Trust me. I’m more experienced than you. He’ll be fine…Men get over these things quicker than us.’
‘But Greg will understand. He was a soldier, he did things–he told me himself,’ Maddy argued.
‘But it’s different for guys. They like to think we girls’re all pure as snow, virgin brides, not mucky slush.’
‘Hang on, I’m not mucky slush! I made a mistake, but that’s all in the past. It was an accident and then I miscarried.’ Maddy struggled to speak those words out loud.
‘I know, I was there, or have you forgotten that too?’ Gloria replied, spearing her with fierce green eyes. ‘How do you think he’ll feel, knowing you had someone else’s kiddy and never told him? Doctors can tell, even if you don’t say anything.’
‘But it died,’ Maddy whispered. ‘It never happened. Why should I tell him?’
‘Because you should. Because it’s only fair and honorable, and you owe it to him or you’re not the Maddy I know. If you can’t, then perhaps in your heart you know you don’t trust him to understand after all. I’m sorry but I’m trying to help you face facts. You’ve always been straight with me. Now it’s my turn to speak out.’
‘It’s good to know I have a friend, Gloria. You’ve made me face up to how things are, but I must deal with this myself. It’s nobody’s business but mine. Thanks, for the offer. I’m sure Greg will understand once I explain.’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you. He’s set you up as his princess, his bit of totty. I think he’ll be gutted when he finds you’re no different from any other. He’ll go cold on you, mark my words,’ Gloria sighed.
‘Oh, no, not Greg! He’s got a big heart. He knows I love him. It was such a long time ago. It can’t affect us now.’
‘It’s only a few years ago…Face the facts, it’ll never work out between you once he knows. The longer you leave it, the worse it’ll get. Don’t go breaking his heart at the last minute. Better co
me clean now and see what he says.’
‘But how? I can’t…you’re right,’ Maddy wept. ‘No man would forgive such a slip-up. It’s hopeless, isn’t it?’ she said, suddenly feeling limp. ‘I don’t know what to say. The truth is so brutal, even when a friend spells it out.’
‘It’s nothing. What are friends for but to help each other out? It just wouldn’t work. I mean, I was with you when you did that awful thing.’
‘What awful thing?’
Gloria hesitated. ‘I don’t like to bring it up. You know, with the baby. You must have been off your head…’
‘What did I do?’ Maddy went cold.
‘You left it to die. You refused to get the doctor out to help us.’
‘But it never breathed.’
‘Well, it wouldn’t as you neglected it,’ came the reply.
‘How could I have done that? I don’t remember.’ Maddy sat rigid on the chair, suddenly afraid of what she was going to hear.
‘You passed out afterwards. I couldn’t rouse you, but I saw what I saw. I went out of the room and when I came back, it was dead and you had gone to sleep…Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.’ Gloria sat facing her, her green eyes flickering with anger. ‘You should have got the doctor in when I asked.’
‘But you could’ve gone for Dr Gunn yourself,’ Maddy replied.
‘I did what you wanted and didn’t go. It’s worried me ever since.’
‘Is that why we never talked about that night? I don’t remember,’ Maddy whispered. ‘It was a terrible night. I was so scared but I didn’t let my baby die. It never breathed. We tried…’
‘So you remember bits…I saw it all and I’m telling you it’s not the sort of night you ever forget, hiding everything away like that.’
‘What did you do with him?’ Maddy said those awful words for the first time. She was shaking.
‘Not now–I can’t…Let’s forget about that but you see why you can’t marry Greg. Men don’t understand, and in my book living a lie is no basis for a marriage,’ Gloria said, brushing down her tweed skirt, her head bowed.
‘Everyone has secrets,’ Maddy argued.