“Earth change for river, make waterway. Lake bed know how to hold water in basin, all contain. Ice water is glacier; move earth. Rain make mudslide. Ocean make sand. Always two: earth and water. Need each other. Become one together. You be required to choose. Soon.”
“What if I can’t choose or don’t get to choose? What if I make the wrong choice?”
“No wrong choice. Your choice.”
He went to his bed and picked up two pillows. “You be fond of round pillow or square pillow?”
“I don’t know. They’re both pillows.”
“You like round? Choose round. You like square? Choose square. Not matter. You want sleep, use pillow. You pick rock? No! Pillow is good. Same water. You choose ice? River? Ocean? Is all good. Pick ocean, you change sand. Pick river, you grow to be silt. Pick rain, you are garden soil.”
“Are you saying I choose the man based on what I want to become? What kind of life I want to have?”
“Yes. Both man put together your life special. Choose ocean or choose river. No matter.”
“But—”
“No but. Is. Kahl-see back is sturdy. Can embrace many burden, many duty. You like earth. Your back transformation shape to be same with man your picking.”
“So basically what you are trying to tell me is that Ren and Kishan are both pillows in a world of rocks and that I’d be happy with either one?”
“Ah! Smart garl!” Phet laughed.
“The only problem is … one of them is not going to be happy.”
Phet patted my hand. “You no be troubled. Phet be of assistance tigers.”
The brothers stomped noisily into the hut a half hour later. They both greeted me politely: Kishan squeezed my hand, and Ren nodded to me from the table.
I quietly asked Kishan, “Did it work? Does he remember?”
He shook his head no and retreated to the table to help Ren quickly polish off every dish that Phet had created. Their hair was slicked back and wet. Ren had gotten all the pink stuff out.
I smirked, thinking, either that, or it had been absorbed into his brain overnight.
While the brothers ate, I thought about what Phet said. Could I really be happy with either one of them? Could Ren and I fall in love again? And if so, what would we do about our physical relationship? Would I ever be able to touch him again without inflicting pain? I’d never really considered a future with Kishan before. I was always so sure about my relationship with Ren. Now that his memories of us were gone, I didn’t know if it was even possible to get back what we’d lost.
I caught Kishan watching me from time to time as he listened to Phet. Could Kishan have been right? Was losing Ren somehow part of my destiny? Was Kishan the person I was supposed to be with, was meant to be with? Or, as Phet said, am I just supposed to choose which one I want to be with? Which one I want to make a life with? I just didn’t see how I could be happy when one of them wasn’t.
After breakfast, Phet asked to see the weapons. I dug the gada, the chakram, Fanindra, and the bow and arrows out of the backpack and handed each to Kishan, who deposited them on the table. Every time his fingers brushed against mine, Kishan smiled. I smiled back, but my happy expression wavered when I saw Ren quickly look away with disappointment.
Phet studied each intently before handing it to the person Durga had originally given it to.
“How did you know?” I asked incredulously. “How did you know the bow and arrows were mine and the gada, Ren’s?”
“Snake make clear to me.”
As if in response, Fanindra uncoiled, stuck her head in the air, hood open, and stared into Phet’s eyes. He began singing and moving his head. She started rocking back and forth as if under the spell of a snake charmer. When he stopped singing, she lowered her head and rested again.
“Ah, Fanindra declare be partial you, Kahl-see. You good woman and show consideration for her.”
He picked up Fanindra and handed her gently back to me. I pulled a round pillow over and set her in the middle of it. Huh. I like round pillows. I wonder which man the round pillow represents.
Phet announced it was time to look into Ren’s eyes. He pulled two chairs away from the table and set them across from each other. Ren sat in one; Phet, in the other. Kishan joined me on the bed and reached out to hold my hand. Ren’s eyes darted over to us.
Phet slapped his hand. “Glimpse my eye, Tiger!”
Ren growled softly as he turned to face the old monk. Phet peered into Ren’s eyes and clucked his tongue while turning Ren’s head to several different angles as if Phet was adjusting the rearview mirror in a car. Finally, he was satisfied, and the two men froze in place for several minutes while Phet just stared. I bit my lip nervously as I watched.
After an uncomfortably long silence, Phet jumped up out of his chair.
“Can’t patch up.”
I stood. “What do you mean?”
“Tiger vastly stubborn. Block me.”
“Block you?” I turned to Ren. “Why would you block him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Phet,” I asked, “can you please tell us what you know?”
Phet sighed. “Fix it the hurting of knife and cage. Evil black at this time gone. But remembrance is jam, have trigger, only white tiger be acquainted with it.”
“Okay, to clarify, you were able to fix the PTSD, the pains, and memories of the torture? All the trauma of Lokesh is gone now? Can he still remember it?”
“Yes. I still remember it. I’m right here, you know,” Ren grumbled.
“Okay, but Phet says he took the blackness away. Do you feel differently about it?”
He concentrated. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.”
I looked at Phet again. “But his memory is still blocked? What do you mean there’s a trigger?”
“Means tiger hinder himself. No from criminal one, evil one. From tiger mind. Only he be capable of fix.”
“Are you saying he’s deliberately doing this to himself? He’s blocking his memories of me on purpose?”
Phet nodded.
I gaped at Ren, stunned. He looked at Phet dumbfounded; then knit his brows together in confusion and stared at his hands. Tears filled my eyes.
In a tiny voice, I choked out, “Why? Why would you do this to me?”
He worked the muscles of his jaw and looked up at me. His blue eyes were bright with emotion. He opened his mouth to say something … then closed it. I backed toward the door and pushed it open.
Ren stood. “Kelsey? Wait.”
I shook my head.
“Please don’t run,” he softly pleaded.
“Don’t follow me.” I shook my head, tears dripping down my cheeks as I ran off into the jungle.
4
Prophecy
I sat in the jungle with my back against a tree. I was tired of running away from emotional turmoil. The reasonable part of my brain told me that Ren most likely had a perfectly legitimate reason for purposefully forgetting me. However, there was another side that doubted him, and that voice screamed louder. It hurt. If someone had asked me before he was taken if I trusted Ren, I would have said yes. I trusted him absolutely, 100 percent. There was no question in my mind that he was sincere.
But. A negative voice picked away at me, telling me I wasn’t really right for him anyway and that I should have expected this. It said that I never deserved him in the first place and that it was only a matter of time before I lost him. I’d always considered him too good to be true. I never wanted to be right, but there it was.
That he took himself out of the picture made it worse. Much worse. How could I have been so wrong about him? I’d been naive. I wasn’t the first girl to have her heart broken, and I wouldn’t be the last. I’d trusted him. I believed his professions of love.
Before the visit with Phet, I could tell myself that Lokesh had done this. That it wasn’t Ren’s fault. That somewhere deep inside, he still loved me. Now I knew that he deliberately wanted to forget me. He wante
d to cast me aside and had somehow found a very convenient way to do it.
How nice it must be to just erase your mistake. Pick the wrong girl? That’s okay. Just highlight and delete. Those pesky memories won’t bother you anymore. You could sell that pill and become a billionaire. So many people have done things and been with people they’d like to wipe out of their memory. To forget completely. Expunge your memory! Buy one, get one free! Limited time offer!
After an hour of feeling sorry for myself, I returned slowly to the hut. When I walked through the door, all talking ceased. Both brothers watched me while Phet started busily grinding spices.
Ren stood and took a step toward me. I looked at him dully, and he stopped in his tracks.
“There’s nothing else you can do for us, then?” I asked Phet.
Phet turned to me and tilted his head. Soberly he said, “Phet regretful. No can help this.”
“Okay.” I turned to Kishan. “I’d like to leave now.”
He nodded and began filling the backpacks.
“Kelsey,” Ren stretched out a hand and then pulled it back when I stared at it like it was a foreign object, “we need to talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I shook my head and took Phet’s hand. “Thank you for your hospitality and for everything you’ve done for us.”
Phet stood and hugged me. “You no worries, Kahl-see. Don’t fail to remember water and earth is contented all together.”
“I remember, but I think this time I’m like the moon. No water for me.”
Phet pressed his hands on my shoulders. “Is water for Kahl-see. Moon maybe, but moon pull tide anyway.”
“Okay.” I said softly. “Thanks for the optimism. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me,” I assured him as I hugged him back. “Good-bye.”
Phet said, “Future time pay a visit you happier, Kahl-see.”
“I hope so. I’ll miss you. Sorry to leave so abruptly, but I’m suddenly anxious to get this curse over and done.” I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door.
Kishan gathered his things quickly and caught up to me.
“Kells,” he started.
“Can we just walk for a while? I don’t feel like talking.”
His golden eyes perused my face until quietly he said, “Okay.”
Before I’d taken many steps the white tiger was walking next to me, butting his head against my hand. I refused to look at him, clutched the straps of the backpack, and purposefully moved to Kishan’s other side. Kishan looked at my tight expression and then at the white tiger, who fell back and walked behind us. Soon he was far back enough that I couldn’t see him anymore.
I relaxed my stance and hiked without speaking and without stopping for food or rest until I couldn’t walk another step. Creating a small tent with the Scarf, I fell on top of my sleeping bag, skipped dinner, and let the brothers fend for themselves. They left me alone, for which I was both grateful and disappointed, and I fell into a deep sleep.
I woke when the sky was still dark and checked my phone for the first time in days. No calls from Mr. Kadam. It was four in the morning. I didn’t feel like sleeping anymore so I popped my head out of the tent and saw the weak flames of a dying fire. Neither Ren nor Kishan were around. Placing a couple more logs onto the fire, I built it up until it was crackling again and wished up a hot chocolate. I sipped my drink slowly as I stared into the flames.
“Have a nightmare?”
I whirled around. Ren was leaning against a tree. I made out his white shirt but his face was in the shadows.
“No.” I stared into the flames again. “I just slept enough, that’s all.”
He stepped into the firelight and sat on a log across from me. The flickering flames made his golden-bronze skin glow warmly. I tried not to notice. Why does he have to be so good-looking? His blue eyes studied me intently.
I blew on my cocoa and looked everywhere but at him. “Where’s Kishan?”
“Out on a hunt. He doesn’t get to do it very often anymore, and he enjoys it.”
I grunted. “Well, I hope he doesn’t expect me to pick out the porcupine quills. If he gets those, he’s on his own.” I took another sip. “Why didn’t you go with him?”
“Because I’m watching over you.”
“You really don’t need to. I’m a big girl. Go hunt if you want. In fact, you probably should. You’re still too skinny.”
“Nice to know you’ve been looking. I was worried you’d forgotten all about me.”
I raised my eyes to his and sputtered with anger. “Forgotten all about you? Me? Forget about you? I … you know what? You’re really starting to annoy me!”
“Good. You need to get it all out.”
I set down my mug and stood. “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d love to have me profess my undying love for you while you laugh in my face and mock me!”
He stood too. “I’m not mocking you, Kelsey.”
I threw my hands into the air. “Well, why not? You might as well. You took away everything in the world that was important to me! You plucked out my heart, squeezed it in your hands, and gave it to the monkeys to play with. I shouldn’t have trusted you! What an idiot I was to believe that you actually had feelings for me. That you cared about me. That we belonged together. You’re just a … just a square pillow. And I’ve recently discovered that I like round ones!”
He laughed, which irritated me even more.
“I’m a square pillow? What does that mean?”
“It means we aren’t meant to be together, that’s all. I should have known that you’d trounce all over my heart. All those things you said, all those poems you wrote—they meant nothing to you. When we get home, I fully intend to give back every one of your poems.”
He stiffened. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, they don’t matter anymore. They might as well be thrown into the fire because that’s the only warmth they’ll ever offer me.”
“I don’t believe you’d do it.”
“Watch me.”
I retreated to the tent, grabbed my journal, and quickly leafed through the pages until I found the “Pearl without Price” poem. Running to the fire, I ripped the page from my book and stared at it.
“Kelsey.” My brown eyes met his blue ones. “Don’t.”
“What difference does it make? The man who wrote this is dead at best, a pretender at worst.”
“You’re wrong. Just because I don’t remember you now doesn’t mean that what I felt for you before was a lie. I don’t know why or how I did this to myself or why I forgot you. It doesn’t make sense. But I can assure you that I’m not dead. I’m alive and standing right here.”
I shook my head. Denying his words, I said, “You’re dead to me,” and dropped the page. I stared at it as it spun in the air. A tear coursed down my cheek as I watched the corner of the page catch on fire.
Faster than lightning, Ren grabbed the page out of the fire and crumpled the burning edge in his fist to put out the flame. He was breathing heavily, obviously upset. His hand quickly healed from the burn while I stared mutely at the charred edge of the precious poem.
“Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!”
“I’m already lost! That much should be obvious! Why can’t you see what’s right in front of you?”
“What am I supposed to see? A tiger who happens to be a prince? A man who happens to hate me so much that he purposefully erased me from his brain with a magic spell? A man who can’t tolerate being in the same room with me for more than a few minutes? A man who can’t stand touching me? Is that what I’m supposed to see? Because if so, then I’ve got a pretty good view!”
“No, you hotheaded girl! What you’re not seeing is this!”
He grabbed me, yanked me up against his body, and kiss
ed me. It was fiery and passionate. His lips were hot as they melded against mine. I didn’t even have time to react before it was over. He backed away and bent over, clutching the trunk of a tree. He breathed heavily, and his hands shook.
I folded my arms as I watched him recover. “What exactly were you trying to prove by doing that?”
“If you have to ask, then obviously I failed in my effort.”
“Okay, so you kissed me. So what? It doesn’t mean anything.”
“It means everything.”
“How do you figure?”
He took a big gulp of air and leaned against the tree. “It means that I’m starting to develop feelings for you, and if I feel them now, the likelihood of me feeling them before is pretty strong.”
“If that’s true, then remove the block.”
“I can’t. I don’t know what it is or how it got there or what this trigger might be. I was kind of hoping kissing you would do the trick. Apparently, that’s not it.”
“So … what? You thought you could kiss the female frog and turn her into your fairy princess? Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but what you see is what you get!”
“What on earth would make you think I wouldn’t be interested in what I see?”
“I really don’t want to hash that out with you again. We’ve been over it before even though you can’t remember. However, in the short-term memory that you do possess, you might remember saying that Nilima was beautiful.”
“Yes. I remember saying that. So what? How does saying that she is beautiful mean you’re not?”
“It’s all in the way you said it. ‘Too bad I wasn’t in love with Nilima … she’s beautiful.’ Which implies I’m not. Don’t you know anything about women? Never call one woman beautiful in front of another.”
“I didn’t. You were eavesdropping.”
“The point is still valid.”
“Fine! Then I’ll tell you what I think, and may I go without another meal if I’m lying! You are beautiful.”
“That train has already zoomed on by, buster, and you didn’t have a ticket.”
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