A Corner of My Heart

by Mark Seaman

  “Always try and keep out of Mr. T’s way if he appears distant or grumpy and make sure you keep Elizabeth out of his way an’ all if he’s in a huff ’cause Mrs T doesn’t like her to see her daddy upset or in a bad mood. Although to be fair when Elizabeth is around he does his best to be sweetness and light, at least in front of her, but it’s best to be aware all the same.”

  “Does he often lose his temper?”

  “He’s alright most of the time, it’s just the odd occasion he seems to go off on one and we can’t seem to do right for doing wrong. I’ve heard Mrs T having a go at him over his moods a couple of times, but like I say you just keep your head down and do your job.”

  “They don’t seem like a couple who argue though; they were really nice to each other when I talked to them earlier. She even teased him a bit.”

  “Don’t get me wrong, most of the time everything’s hunky dory it’s just sometimes you can tell Mr T’s not happy and so we try and ignore it. She knows we know but never says anything apart from sticking up for him. Just says he’s under pressure at work or whatever, she’ll never admit to their falling out. Defends him to the hilt she does. I do remember saying to her once how Mr T seemed to be unhappy about something and asked if there was anything I could do to help? She tore me off a right strip. More embarrassed I think that I’d overheard them arguing but also letting me know in no uncertain terms that my job was to be their maid and not to get involved in family discussions or in how they should be as a couple. That wasn’t like her at all. I could see she was upset and so I said sorry if I’d caused any offence. I think she knew I hadn’t meant any harm and said sorry herself for being short with me. Mind, I did overhear her later telling Mr T that I’d heard them and that he should keep his voice down in future if they were having a disagreement, especially if any of us were around. She really loves him though you can see that. I think in the main they’re happy enough, same as the rest of us I guess.”

  “Thanks Nelly, I’m grateful for the advice. I’ll certainly keep an eye on Elizabeth if I sense any misgivings between the two of them, especially over the next few months with the new baby due and Mrs Taylor likely to have the odd day when she might not be feeling herself.”

  “Good for you, she’ll appreciate that. She always likes to protect Elizabeth from any sort of upset. She says she’s a gentle soul at heart even if she does rule the roost at times with the odd tantrum, so you keeping her away from any signs of trouble or argie bargies between Mr and Mrs T is a good idea. Although like I say she’s normally as sweet as they come, it’s just him you need to watch out for, especially if he’s had a long day at the bank.” Nelly laughed. “We just keep smiling and saying “yes sir, no sir” until he cheers up, and then it’s all back to normal. Bit like any family I reckon.”

  Although I was saddened to hear the Taylor’s had their differences I also knew, as Nelly had said, that such occasional disagreements were indeed a part of normal family life. I could well remember my own parents arguing on occasion, especially if my father had promised to be at the table with the rest of us for a family meal only to be late because he had been busy at work and had lost track of time.

  My mother would tell him off and complain that mealtimes were an important occasion for the family to share food and spend time together. And whilst my father would, in the main, agree and apologise for his tardiness, he could also become irritated if he felt my mother was berating him unfairly, or if he was having a particularly challenging time with one of his customers. Then he might bite back and defend himself, saying that if he didn’t work so hard there wouldn’t be any money to put food on the table in the first place. He knew he was in the wrong of course but, as with most husbands, he didn’t enjoy being put in his place by his wife, especially in front of his children. Joseph and I would retreat to our rooms on these rare occasions knowing that almost as soon as an argument had begun it would blow over again with both my parents apologising to each other, and assuring Joseph and I that all was well. “Just because your father and I disagree at times doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other, and more especially the two of you.” Then when she and I were on our own she would say to me with a smile on her face, “Men like to think they hold the answer to everything, Ruth, but they learn eventually that it is us women who really know what is best, although they would never admit to that of course. Remember that if you ever get married, my dear.”

  Joseph and I knew with absolute certainty that we were loved and never doubted our parents’ feelings towards us even during those rare times of unrest or family disagreements. I had always presumed that to be true for most families and so was not unduly concerned by Nelly’s remarks about my new employers. However, I also acknowledged the obvious sense in my being aware of how best to react if I were to experience a family dispute, certainly as far as my duty of care towards Elizabeth was concerned.

  I followed Nelly downstairs, cup and saucer in hand as we made our way to the kitchen.

  “Come on I’ll introduce you to Mrs D.”

  Mrs Devlin struck me immediately as good-natured and welcoming, her thick Irish accent oozing warmth as she spoke.

  “Welcome to the mad house, Ruth, I’m sure you’ll fit in just lovely so you will.” She was everything I imagined a household cook to be from books I had read in the past: wise, friendly and passionate about her kitchen and also, not overly tolerant of unwelcome visitors when she was preparing a meal, as I discovered to my cost on a couple of occasions in the weeks ahead. That said, I quickly learnt this lesson and we soon formed an easy relationship between the two of us. She had a kind, almost maternal nature and so it wasn’t long before I sought out, and readily accepted, both her wisdom and advice as to how I might best contribute personally to the continued smooth running of the house, along with its demands and daily routine.

  As we were talking Mr Devlin entered the kitchen carrying a pair of shoes. “Have you seen the polish,” he demanded, ignoring Nelly and I as he held the shoes up in front of his wife.

  “Not since you last had it no. And would you please not wave those mucky things around in my kitchen while I’m preparing food.”

  Mr. Devlin turned to leave.

  Mrs Devlin shook her head, wiping her hands on her flour covered apron. “And before you go you can say hello to young Ruth here, she’s to be the new nanny to little Elizabeth.”

  He turned, glancing in my direction as he left the room. “We’ve already met.”

  “Of course you have.” She shook her head again. “You see, Ruth, I told you this was a mad house. I couldn’t even manage to remember that you’d already experienced the delights of meeting himself earlier when he picked you up. I hope he was polite?”

  “He was very polite.” This was not entirely true as I remembered he hadn’t exactly gone out of his way to make me feel welcome when he’d arrived at my lodgings to collect me.

  “That’s just as well for him then, or he’d have had me to answer to so he would.” She waved her rolling pin in mock protest towards the door that Mr Devlin had just exited. The three of us talked together for a few minutes and I asked Mrs Devlin if there was anything in particular I should know about Elizabeth’s diet when planning her meals.

  “You leave all of that to me, my dear,” she said with a knowing smile across her face. “Mrs Taylor and I have a very clear understanding about that young lady’s eating arrangements.”

  “That sounds like there might be a problem?” I was immediately concerned that Elizabeth may have some special dietary needs that I should be aware of.

  “The only problem young Elizabeth has as far as her eating habits are concerned is that she would rather consume sweets and puddings all day than vegetables and savoury dishes. Her mother worries that she has too sweet a tooth, but I tell her she’s no different to any other child.” She smiled, patting her own fuller figure. “And perhaps some of us grown ups as we
ll. I mean who wants a plate of greens and carrots staring up at them when they know there’s a nice big cherry pie and custard waiting in the wings?” We all laughed.

  “I’ll keep an eye on her.”

  “The only other thing I would ask is that you keep young Elizabeth away from my kitchen when I am preparing the meals themselves. I would hate for there to be an accident with hot food around.”

  “Of course.”

  “That said, she does like to come down and help me bake on occasion and, little madam though she can be at times, I do still enjoy spending time with her. That is when I’m not too busy and I have advance warning that she’s coming.”

  “That sounds fun. What sort of things do you cook together?”

  “Simple things like fairy cakes or scones for Mr Taylor for when he comes home from work. She likes to please her father, as we all do.” She smiled knowingly at Nelly.

  “I’ll look forward to that. I love cooking myself; maybe you’ll let me help as well?”

  Mrs Devlin looked at me, her face taking on a more serious expression. “You’ve heard the term too many cooks?”

  I nodded nervously.

  “Well I’m sure that won’t apply to you, Ruth,” she said, her broad smile quickly returning. “You’ll always find a welcome in my kitchen so you will. Just remember the same rule applies to everyone in the house when I’m preparing hot food: don’t get in my way.”

  “I certainly will remember that, Mrs Devlin, I promise. And with young Elizabeth as well.”

  As Nelly and I walked back upstairs we talked about how different Mr and Mrs Devlin were in their personalities and general demeanour.

  “Maybe he’s got a lot on his mind just now,” I said, attempting to defend Mr Devlin’s less than sunny disposition.

  “No he’s always like that. Mind, I do feel a bit sorry for him at times. He used to have his own garage but it got into trouble so he had to sell up and he had no work for a while.”

  “That can’t have been easy?” I remembered how my own father had felt when the Germans took control of his tailoring business.

  “It wasn’t. Mrs D used to come to work and say how worried she was about him, or that they’d had a disagreement because he felt he wasn’t doing his bit to help with bills while she was working here every day to support the both of them.”

  “How did he get his job here?”

  “Mr Taylor’s previous driver left and he needed a replacement fairly quickly as he was always going to different meetings for the bank and the like. So Mrs D suggested Mr D and Mr T said he would give him a month’s trial to see how they got on.” Nelly paused for a moment. “He found that hard at first. You know, after having had his own business and being the one giving out the orders and so on. And now here he was just a driver and on a month’s trial an’ all for good measure.”

  “He must have done okay though, he’s still here?”

  “Yes, Mr T liked him and they got on right from the start what with him having some idea about business and finance having worked for himself in the past. It meant he understood straight away how important it was to be on time for meetings and in making a good impression and the like. In a way though that made it worse for him, at least early on, ’cause it only emphasised again he was now just a driver and Mr T was the one calling all the shots and telling him what to do.”

  “At least he was working again.”

  “Yeah, and it’s alright now, but like I say it weren’t to start with. Him and Mrs D had more than a few words about it I can tell you.”

  I felt for Mr Devlin and understood how difficult it would have been for him, certainly early on, in losing both his business and his status in the community. I could hear my mother’s voice trying to comfort Papa after the Germans had forced him to work for them, often for nothing, and then eventually when they took the business away from him completely. They offered no acknowledgement of the effort he had put into establishing it nor did they give any thought as to some form of recompense in payment towards the customer loyalty and goodwill he had built up over the years. I recalled how low his feeling of self worth had become as he struggled to provide for his family and maintain some degree of dignity as he battled against the unrelenting grip and dictate of the German authorities. I hoped Mr Devlin would eventually be able to fully appreciate his new position rather than deride it as he had appeared to do at the beginning. After all his life wasn’t under physical threat as had been the case with my father. Perhaps one day I would have the chance to share these thoughts with Mr and Mrs Devlin? For now though I resolved to remember them in my prayers, along with my heart felt thanks for this new challenge and fresh start in my own life; one that I was truly looking forward to fulfilling in the days ahead.

  I really enjoyed those first few weeks with the Taylor’s and my time spent with Elizabeth. Mrs Taylor especially appeared pleased with my work and always smiled with approval whenever Elizabeth told her of some great adventure we had been on together, even if it was only the result of a simple game we had been playing.

  “Elizabeth has certainly taken a shine to you, Ruth. In fact I think she enjoys your company at times almost more than she does mine.”

  I knew she was joking, but it was still a nice thing to say and I took it as a compliment. I certainly felt as though Elizabeth and I were developing a strong bond between us.

  She would often entrust me with her childish secrets and confidences, although I was equally aware she shared many of these seemingly important stories with her mother as well. I was also encouraged by the fact she didn’t appear threatened by the growing depth of our relationship, nor of my growing affection for her daughter. Indeed, she would often comment how good it was that Elizabeth felt able to trust me enough to confide in me so readily. This would prove especially true at the end of the day during Elizabeth’s bath or at bed time when Mrs Taylor would become tired, and perhaps not best able to demonstrate the necessary focus and attention demanded by Elizabeth when recounting the detail of her busy day for the umpteenth time. She knew I would happily pass on these ostensibly vital facts from her daughter’s bath time ramblings at a time when she was less exhausted. This would often prove the case during the latter stages of her pregnancy and as the day predicted for the birth itself became ever closer.

  There were occasions during those early weeks in working for the Taylor’s, and as I became more deeply involved with my new responsibilities in caring for Elizabeth, that I could allow the horrors of the past to fade from my mind almost completely. This was partly due to the demands of my work occupying so much of my thinking, but also as I began to feel a sense of personal well-being and confidence returning. I could never forget the past entirely of course, with night time often proving the hardest. I would lie in bed staring at the picture of my parents and Joseph, remembering all we had experienced and suffered together. But even here I felt I was beginning to make a start in releasing myself from some of the worst memories and pain associated with our time in Birkenau. Just a few months ago it had been something that had so readily occupied my every waking thought but was now slipping further away from my mind as the daily demands and delights of my new job began to take greater prominence in my life. I still held that picture close to my chest each night though as I prayed for my family, thanking God for them and for the blessing he had bestowed on me in bringing me to this new place of safety, and one I felt was fast becoming home.

  My life had changed so much, and seemingly all for the better. What could possibly threaten my future now? I was soon to find out.

  Thirteen

  Jenny spoke to me about Ruth again today, asking if I had discovered any more about her. I told her I hadn’t but that Granny and Granddad had said they were happy for me to meet with her if that’s what I wanted to do.

  “It isn’t just about the two of us, Jenny, this is really difficult for them as well. Grann
y and Granddad have treated me as their own practically all of my life even though they have been aware all along that I wasn’t. As for you though, they’ve known you from the moment you were born. You have and always will be their granddaughter. But now that I’ve traced my real mother poor Granny and Granddad have to face the truth all over again that I’m not actually their daughter. Our true family bloodline is connected to this other woman and that’s what makes it so difficult for the two of them. Also, that she is just as keen to meet with me now as I am in hearing the truth from her about what happened all those years ago when she let me go. None of this is going to be easy for them Jen, we mustn’t forget that.”

  I explained that although James and Carol knew we loved them, things would change now. Also that Granny, especially, was feeling a little scared to think she could perhaps lose a part of her family to another woman, a woman she had no legal right to keep us from meeting and building a relationship with now that I’d decided that’s what I wanted to do.

  “Having said that, Jen, I want you to know it will only be me that meets with Ruth and talks to her, certainly to begin with. I’m not saying you can’t see her at some point, but there are things I need to know for myself as her daughter before we even think about you meeting with her.”

  “I understand that, Mum, but I am interested to know why she didn’t keep you as a baby and put you up for adoption.”

  “I know that, sweetheart, and that’s the very reason I need to talk to her first, so I can decide whether her story is one that I am happy for you to hear.”

  No matter how much I tried to assure Mum that I would never think of her and Dad as anything other than my parents, there was still an understandable fear in their minds that I might choose to spend more time with Ruth, and by so doing they could lose touch with Jenny in the process. What if we decided to move away and live nearer to her? No amount of reassurance could alter the fact this would change the dynamic of our relationship entirely, potentially destroying the happy family idyll we had come to know and appreciate over the years.