by Mark Seaman
I shook my head still unable to speak.
“Mrs Taylor has asked me to keep her informed as to my diagnosis and of any problems she might be able to help with as far as any treatment is concerned.” He paused. “Can I presume as you weren’t expecting this news then neither will she be?” He leant forward sensing my dilemma. “Would you like me to speak to her or do you want to talk with her yourself first?”
My mind raced: how could I tell the woman who trusted me implicitly on every level that I was pregnant with her husband’s baby?
“Please don’t say anything, Doctor I’ll…” my voice faltered along with my resolve.
He smiled again. “I understand this has come as a shock my dear, but Robert and Helen will need to be informed, preferably sooner than later. This is hardly something that can be kept a secret.”
I was now in a complete state of panic and responded as such. “Isn’t there something you can do?” I spluttered, not knowing what I was asking, or how to best verbalise the dread and panic running through my head. “Isn’t there a way for me not to have the baby?”
Doctor Anderson leant back in his chair, his face taking on a more serious expression.
“I hope you’re not asking what I think you are, Miss Cahn, as that is something I would not consider recommending, and most definitely not for you. A healthy young woman with good support, I couldn’t consider it. Besides what about the father, presumably you will want to speak to him before deciding on any course of action?”
My heart sank. What could I say in answer to such a question? “I’m sorry of course; it has just come as such a shock. Please don’t say anything to Mrs Taylor, or at least not until I have had a chance to speak to her myself.”
He sat back in his chair and smiled again. “Of course, I understand, but as I have said already this is not a matter that should be left. No doubt Helen will ask me herself over the next few days what is wrong should you fail to speak with her first.” He paused. “She has a great affection for you, my dear, as you are no doubt aware. Helen is a very special lady and I am sure you wouldn’t want to present her with any undue distress, especially so soon after young George’s arrival into the family. Take my advice and tell her as soon as you are able, it will be for the best I assure you. I am sure she and Robert will stand by you and the load you feel you are carrying at this moment will become all the lighter once you have told them the truth about your situation. They are good people and will appreciate your honesty no matter how difficult the story of what has taken place might be for you to speak of. I make no judgement here, Miss Cahn, I am simply offering you my professional advice.”
I could feel tears begin to fill my eyes as he spoke. He was right of course and I was heartened to hear of him speak so openly about Mrs Taylor’s feelings towards me, but in a way that only made telling her the truth even harder. How could I begin to explain what I had allowed to happen or why without losing her trust and breaking her heart? And the consequences of informing Mr Taylor of my condition left me almost paralysed with fear.
“I know, Doctor and I…” My emotions overtook me and I began to sob.
Doctor Anderson rose from his chair and walked around his desk, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“Try not to upset yourself, my dear. I can see this has come as a surprise and perhaps not an entirely welcome one but, knowing your employers as I do, I am sure they will seek to support you as best they can once you and the father have decided how you want to proceed.”
I wanted to tell him the truth there and then, about what had happened and as to whom the father really was, but how could I and what would he say in reply if I did? I looked up and smiled at him through my tears.
“Thank you, Doctor, I’m sorry.”
He sat on the corner of his desk and shook his head. “There’s no need to apologise, my dear, I do understand. This can’t be easy for you. Can I suggest you make another appointment with my receptionist for a week’s time when we can discuss any medical issues pertaining to your pregnancy and to make sure all is well? That will also give you a chance to speak to Robert and Helen, and the father of course.” He leant forward and smiled reassuringly. “In the meantime if Helen does ask I will simply say that it is early days and we are still confirming our thoughts, which is not entirely untrue, is it?”
I stood up and shook his hand. “Thank you, Doctor, I’ll see you next week.”
I stood in front of the receptionist to make my appointment for the following week and could tell from the disapproving look on her face she had already decided that I was yet another young girl who had got herself into trouble. Of course, I knew she wouldn’t say anything to the Taylor’s, her job depended on her ability to keep a confidence. If she did break this rule of trust she could just as easily lose her position as I was about to lose mine once the truth regarding my condition was revealed.
“We’ll see you next week, Miss Cahn,” she said with a knowing smirk on her face. I thanked her without making eye contact and hurried to leave.
As I stepped outside and took a deep breath the sun came out from behind a cloud and swept over me. I stood for a moment as the sun’s bright rays embraced me warming my body but not my heart which ran icy cold with the fear of what was to come, and of the heart breaking conversation ahead of me with Mrs Taylor.
As I arrived home Elizabeth was standing at the front door and rushed down the steps to greet me. “Hello, Ruth, I’ve been waiting for you so we can play. Let’s go up to my bedroom.” Mrs Taylor approached the two of us from the sitting room and laughed.
“Honestly, Elizabeth, at least let poor Ruth take her coat off before you drag her away.” I smiled at them both.
“That’s alright,” I said, taking Elizabeth’s hand as we began to climb the stairs. Mrs Taylor called after us. “I want to hear how you got on with your appointment, dear; maybe after supper when Elizabeth has gone to bed, if you’re not too exhausted by her ladyship in the meantime?” I turned and smiled at her as I continued up the stairs with my excited young charge who had clearly heard what her mother had said.
“What appointment does Mummy want to talk to you about when I’m in bed, is it a secret?”
I smiled down at her, squeezing her hand in an attempt to dispel her concern. “Nothing for you to worry about, darling, just grown up things.”
The two of us played happily for the next hour or so until tea time. I made sure I sat beside Elizabeth at the table so as not to be cornered by Nelly or Mrs Taylor asking for the detail of what had been taken place at the doctors. It was later during Elizabeth and baby George’s bath time as she rinsed the shampoo from her daughter’s hair in an effort to cover her voice that Mrs Taylor spoke to me again about my earlier appointment with Doctor Anderson.
“Please come to the sitting room once the children are in bed, Ruth, I want to hear what he said and if there is anything Robert and I can do to help.” A feeling of panic swept over me as I realised there was no escape for me now and that I would have to explain about my being pregnant. The decision I was still struggling with, yet knew had to be resolved, was whether I should tell her the full truth and as to whom the father of my child was? What would she say, and would she believe me? Mr Taylor was sure to deny any involvement if I did speak out about what had happened between us and, no doubt, would carry out his threat to further expose me as a thief if my story was not to his liking?
The next half an hour was spent in getting the children ready for bed and making small talk with Elizabeth and her mother while I battled with my conscious as to what I would actually say when we were finally alone.
Mrs Taylor smiled as she put her head round Elizabeth’s bedroom door. “George is asleep already. Hopefully he’ll stay that way for a while. He’s not really been himself today; I hope he’s not coming down with something.”
I smiled back as I tucked Elizabeth’s blank
et around her. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
As I leant over to give Elizabeth a goodnight kiss she put her little arms around me and drew me into her giving me a warm and affectionate hug. Her mother joined us and also gave her daughter a kiss.
“Goodnight, Ruth, goodnight, Mummy.”
“Straight to sleep now, darling, we’ll see you in the morning.” The two of us closed the bedroom door and smiled at each other in a mutual show of affection. She laughed as we walked across the landing together.
“She loves you very much, Ruth. It’s just as well I’m not a jealous Mother.” I smiled back at her. “I’m very fond of Elizabeth as well; she’s a lovely little girl. You and Mr Taylor must be very proud of her.”
“We are, Ruth, and much of that, certainly more recently, is down to you, dear. You have a wonderful calming influence on her.” She laughed again. “Indeed I think you’ve proved to be a calming influence on us all, even Robert speaks well of you. The most I can usually get from him when talking about domestic and staffing issues is a grunt, but he really appears to have taken a shine to you, although he would never admit to it publicly of course. It’s not in his nature to make a fuss but I can tell he is impressed with your work.” She placed her hand on my shoulder as we descended the stairs together. “And you know how I feel about you don’t you, Ruth? You have become a very important addition to our family, and I’m sure young Master George will come to know and care for you with the same degree of affection in the years ahead as his sister has done.” She moved her hand onto my arm and squeezed it. “As we all have done.”
“Thank you Mrs Taylor, you’re very kind.”
“Not at all, it is I who should be thanking you. You have made a real difference to this house, Ruth, and I am especially grateful to you for that.”
I was touched by her words of affirmation but my heart quickly sank as she spoke again.
“Now then let’s go to the sitting room and you can tell me what Doctor Anderson said, I’m sure it won’t be anything serious.” My mind raced as I tried to think of any possible excuse to delay the inevitable.
“I’ll make us a pot of tea as well. Mrs Devlin is out this evening and I don’t want to trouble Nelly, she’s had a busy day too.” Mrs Taylor laughed again. “I think we both deserve some refreshment after that exhausting hour with the children, don’t you?”
“I’ll make the tea,” I said, feeling uncomfortable enough already about our impending conversation without the thought of her waiting on me as well.
“No I insist. You’ve done so much already today and, coupled with your visit to the doctor, I think you deserve to be spoilt a little. I’ve asked Robert to join us as he is concerned for you as well.” I gasped audibly. “Are you alright, Ruth, is there something wrong?”
“No, I’m fine thank you,” I said, trying desperately to hide the look of trepidation from her that had overtaken me. “I just had a twinge of pain.”
“Another good reason for you to be sitting down and allowing me to care for you for a change. You go along and I’ll join you both in a few minutes.” I walked the few paces to the sitting room struggling to put one foot in front of the other as though they were encased in cement. I heard Mr Taylor’s voice call out from the other side of the door as I knocked, nervously praying that he wouldn’t be there.
“Come in.”
I felt clammy, almost sick as I entered the room, hardly daring to look at him.
“Helen tells me you are not well and that you’ve have been to see Charles Anderson. I trust he was helpful?”
“Yes thank you, he was very nice.”
“He’s a good man, we go back a long way.” He indicated a chair opposite his own. “Please, sit down. Is Helen with you?”
“She’s bringing some tea; she’ll be along in a minute.” I could hardly believe how considerate he was appearing to be in light of all that had happened between us in recent weeks. As I sat he moved towards me making me feel immediately uncomfortable.
“I hope you are not thinking of saying anything to my wife about our arrangement, Ruth? Nothing has changed you know and whatever you might think of me personally don’t forget that you are now equally culpable in the act of adultery. There is also the small matter of the theft with regards to Helen’s jewellery to be considered should you decide to be silly and say something untoward. I can promise you if you do you will most certainly regret it. We are quite clear about that aren’t we?”
The earlier apprehension I had been feeling turned to anger and indignation within me as I realised any initial consideration demonstrated on his part, certainly as far as my health and general well-being were concerned, were driven solely by a narcissistic desire for self-preservation but also to protect both his reputation at the bank and his role as head of the house. Clearly he had no respect for me as a person, and in that one short sentence had demonstrated equally little regard for both his wife and family. Suddenly it became manifestly clear to me as to what I needed to do. Nervous though I was about how my actions might affect me personally I was equally resolute this contemptible excuse for a man would no longer have control over my life, or knowingly deceive those I cared about and that he purported to love himself. Yes I was guilty for my part in what had happened between us, but I was determined to end it now once and for all. I felt disappointed that I’d allowed myself to be bullied in such a way by this cruel and ultimately pathetic man when I had faced far more sinister threats to my existence during my time in Birkenau. If I could survive the terrors of that awful death camp then I certainly had no reason to fear the lies and vilification being threatened towards me by this self serving individual. He took a cigarette from a box on the small table by the side of his chair and smiled at me with a look of self satisfaction. I felt a shudder of apprehension run through my body as I considered exactly what it was I would say when Mrs Taylor returned to join us. I also sent up a silent prayer for strength and guidance at the same time.
For the next few minutes we sat in stony silence avoiding any direct eye contact as we awaited his wife’s arrival. I rose to my feet as I heard the door open behind me.
“I’m sorry to have kept you both waiting.” I smiled and closed the door as Mrs Taylor moved to the table and placed the tea tray on it.
“Please, let me pour the tea.” I was feeling increasingly awkward that my employer, especially in the present circumstances, should be seen as continuing to wait on me.
“No you sit yourself down, my dear, and let me look after you this evening. You’ve had a tiring day and, as we’ve already discussed, an equally exhausting time of bathing the children accompanied by the nightly ritual of getting them both to bed.”
Mr Taylor shifted uncomfortably in his chair clearly not enjoying the experience of his wife and I being in such close proximity and with him not in control of the subject matter of conversation or as to where it might lead.
“Maybe I should leave and allow the two of you some privacy to discuss whatever it was that Charles spoke to Ruth about earlier?
Mrs Taylor smiled as she poured the tea. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Robert, I should have considered that myself.” She turned to me and nodded in the direction of her husband. “I apologise, Ruth, Robert is quite right. I was perhaps being insensitive by asking him to be a part of this conversation. Would you rather the two of us spoke in private?” I looked at them both deciding how best to answer and noticed Mr Taylor move awkwardly in his chair again. I allowed myself a momentary feeling of control over him before answering, albeit a little nervously. “No, thank you, I think you should both hear what Doctor Anderson had to say.” They both looked towards me, uncertainty etched briefly on their faces. Mrs Taylor leant over and squeezed my hand. “Oh I hope that doesn’t mean it is something serious, Ruth? Please be assured whatever is wrong we will do our best to help, won’t we, Robert?” Mr Taylor looked up and glanced towards
his wife. “Of course, if we can, but I’m not sure what…” his voice trailed away to silence as he shrugged his shoulders alluding to his uncertainty at knowing how best to complete his sentence. Mrs Taylor placed her cup on the tray. “Well, if you’re sure then. Now please don’t be embarrassed, dear, just tell us what is wrong and how we can best support you.”
I took a deep breath, it was now or never. I looked at Mrs Taylor, my emotions already getting the better of me as I struggled to speak. “I’m so sorry to say this to you, Mrs Taylor, but…” She squeezed my arm before moving her hand to take mine. “Take your time, Ruth, there’s no rush; it can’t be that bad, whatever it is?” I sat for a moment gathering myself as Mr Taylor lit another cigarette and rolled it nervously between his fingers. I breathed in deeply and sat upright in my chair, turning my head slightly to look directly at Mrs Taylor. “I’m so sorry to let you down like this but, I’m pregnant.”
There was a momentary stunned silence between them as they glanced, first at each other, then back to me.
“Pregnant, I’m not sure I understand?” She removed her hand from mine and in that second I felt an immediate gulf grow between us.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, hoping desperately she would comfort me again as she had done just a few moments previously.
“When, how did this happen? I didn’t even know you had been seeing a young man?”
I looked at her wishing I hadn’t said anything and could claim back those last few sentences, but equally aware that sooner or later I would have to tell the truth. I could tell from the expression on her face that I had disappointed her terribly. I glanced across to Mr Taylor who was staring at me in almost disbelief and clearly fearing what I might say next.
I turned my head back towards Mrs Taylor. “I’m not exactly sure as to the timing but Doctor Anderson said it is only a few weeks.” Mrs Taylor moved her chair back a little as if to distance herself from me. “I won’t pretend I’m not disappointed, Ruth, because I am. In fact I’m lost for words, if I’m honest.” I could feel the tears run down my cheeks as I looked across at this special woman who up until a few minutes ago I had considered so much more than simply my employer. I had, in more recent times, dared to begin to think of her as a friend, someone I could share my innermost thoughts and confidences with, but whose faith and trust I was about to shatter forever.