“What’s the story with you and Tuck?” she yelled into my ear. It didn’t get by me that she had referred to him as Tuck, as if they went way back. I wondered how well they actually knew each other.
“It’s complicated,” I yelled back, not taking my eyes off the stage.
“It always is.” She laughed and the crowd roared as the song ended and the band began to play again.
We didn’t talk through the next few songs. Lizzy screamed and called out the name Derek, and I wondered if she knew him personally like she knew Terry. My mind went back to Tucker. The thought made my stomach twist into horrible knots as I tried my best to push the idea out of my head. Tucker had never given me any reason to think he was like that. Still, I left him, not the other way around. During our time apart, he had been free to do whatever . . . or whomever he wanted. Faced with the reality that women like Lizzy had been—and would continue to be—all too willing to throw themselves at him night after night, I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick.
“You all right?” Lizzy leaned in closer to me, engulfing me in her flowery scent.
“I’m fine.”
“You are pale. Let’s get you some water.” She waved the security guard away, and he stepped to the side to let us back through the double doors. As they closed behind us, the muffling of the band helped immensely.
“I think I just need to cool off.” I gave her a weak smile, grateful that she was concerned, that she seemed to be looking out for me. It was a nice feeling, and a sadly unfamiliar one. Maybe I’d been too quick to judge. If Terry liked her, she couldn’t be that bad. We began walking back through the maze of hallways and ended up at the table of snacks.
“How do you know your way around here so well?” I grabbed a bottle of water from the table and drank half of the contents. I felt better instantly.
“I have a really good memory.” She laughed.
“Can I ask you a question?”
She cocked her head to the side, waiting for me to ask.
“How do you tell the twins apart?”
She laughed hard, taking the bottle of water from my hand and finishing it off.
“All right. I’ll tell you my secret, but you can’t tell anyone else. Not even the twins.”
I nodded, agreeing not to tell a soul. She leaned in closer so no one would overhear us.
“Terry has a freckle right below his right ear. Once I noticed, it stood out like a sore thumb.” She laughed. “There are other things, once you get to know them. Terry is sweet and calm, Chris is more of a wild card, always joking and being loud. Chris wears a giant thumb ring on his left hand with this big old gaudy blue stone in it. He calls it his good luck charm.”
I smiled at her as she became more animated as she told me all of the things she learned about the twins. It dawned on me that if she’d been with Damaged for the past few weeks, I was likely the first female she’d probably had the chance to talk to for a while; she hadn’t mentioned any other groupies who had joined the tour. It must be exhausting putting up with these guys day and night. I’d imagined Dorris, the band’s manager and Tucker’s adopted mother, was not any kind of friendly comfort. I suddenly wondered where she was.
“What about the rest of the guys?”
“Umm . . . well, E is very intense. He parties hard but never really looks happy, ya know? He’s a closed book.”
“. . . and Tucker?” I braced myself for her answer.
“You know Tucker.” She laughed and playfully nudged me.
“Yeah,” I replied shyly.
Lizzy pushed open the door to our left and we were back where we started. The guys all looked up from their places. They were no longer playing and looked to be in the middle of a heated discussion. The silence was worse than standing next to the stage as Filth played. Tucker stood and came to my side, kissing me on the cheek.
“Having fun?” he asked with a smile.
“Awesome!” I smiled.
“We had a great time. Lots of girl talk,” Lizzy chimed in as she bounced her way over to Terry and sat down on his lap.
“Yes, girl talk,” I agreed, and gave him a small playful smile.
The door opened and an older man stuck his head in.
“You’re on in five, guys.” He nodded to the band and closed the door behind him.
Tucker sighed and motioned for the other members.
“Let’s go kick some ass.” The others stood and made their way to the door. Tucker gave me a kiss on the lips, lingering for a moment.
“I’ve missed you.” His forehead fell against mine, and for a second we were the only ones on the planet.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
Eric pushed by us angrily, and I fell into Tucker who grabbed me in his arms.
“Fuck and get it over with so we can go play this gig.” He left the room before either of us could process the words.
“What is his problem?” I pulled back and searched Tucker’s eyes.
“He’s having a bad day.” Tucker winked and kissed me one last time before making his way out of the door.
“Take care of my girl, Lizzy,” he called over his shoulder as they made their way down the hall.
Lizzy came to my side, slinging her arm over my shoulder as we watched the guys turn and disappear down another hall.
“What’s up with Eric?”
“Like I said, he is intense.” She laughed and shook her head. “He and Tucker get under each other’s skin a lot. I don’t know what it is. Almost like brothers, ya know?”
I nodded. I didn’t know what sibling rivalry was like personally, but I got the idea.
“Come on. Let’s go watch the guys perform.” She tugged, and I followed, eager to see Tucker sing again.
We made our way back down the labyrinth of hallways until we were stage left. The guys stood off to the side, deep in discussion, so we hung back and waited for them to be called to the stage. The twins headed onstage first and the crowd screamed in excitement as they strummed a few notes on their guitars. Next Eric made his way onstage. Losing his shirt in the process and looking like he was headed to a fight. He took his seat behind the drums and slowly began to play a beat, complementing the guitars. Tucker began to sing before he even made his way up the steps. The crowd went insane. I had to cover my ears to keep from going deaf.
I didn’t recognize the song, but I did recognize the sadness in Tucker’s voice. I clutched the heart necklace he had given to me and squeezed it in my palm, wishing I could run onstage and throw my arms around him. He placed the mic in the stand as he sang about having to say good-bye. His eyes glanced my way as I stood helplessly offstage, forced to listen to him croon about pain that I had caused. Lizzy put her arm around me as she swayed to the music, causing me to sway with her.
I struggled to keep my tears at bay, smiling so he wouldn’t see my sadness, but I felt his. We hadn’t spoken much about me leaving, about our time apart—it was too hard. But I knew there was still so much left unsaid, so much hurt that time hadn’t yet healed. And suddenly it was all hitting me through his soft yet powerful melody. Soon the song ended and faded into the next, an angrier piece about a man scorned. It was like a secret invitation into Tucker’s private thoughts, and it was terrifying. I had no idea the pain I had caused him. I was too wrapped up in my own hurt.
“Great song, right?” Lizzy was singing along and bouncing up and down to the beat.
Tucker didn’t glance my way, and I was happy that I wouldn’t have to see the look in his eyes at that moment. I did notice Eric looking in our direction and wondered what was going on with him and Tucker. I hoped again that I wasn’t the cause of any turmoil between the members of the band . . . but I couldn’t help but sense that I was. Clearly things between Tucker and me had fueled quite a bit of their recent set list.
Tucker’s voice became a distant humming as I let myself sink inside my own thoughts. I needed to block out thoughts like that to keep from running again. I had come all th
is way and refused to leave him again. I just hoped I was strong enough to keep that promise.
But if the band didn’t want me around, how long could I stay, causing tension between them? I couldn’t wait for the guys to finish their set so I could have Tucker by my side, but the end of the concert also meant the beginning of the after-party. I could only hope that the images playing through my mind were gross exaggerations: women running around naked, begging to sleep with whomever would take them; drugs passed freely among bandmates and groupies. For the first time in weeks, I missed the trailer park. The predictability. Nothing changed from day to day. I knew what life had in store for me and never had to wonder what tomorrow would bring. Not that it was ever good. But at least I knew.
I glanced over at Lizzy who was consumed by the music, singing along. I wanted to be carefree, enjoy myself without having to wonder what curveball would be thrown my way next. But at that moment Tucker’s eyes found mine. I smiled, and he smirked back at me with a half grin that put me at ease.
“He’s got it bad,” Lizzy yelled into my ear, causing my grin to spread from ear to ear.
I pushed the negative thoughts from my mind and decided to embrace the moment. I shook my hips as we listened to a few more songs. The set ended and Tucker made his way down the steps, wrapping his hands around my waist and lifting me from the ground to kiss me.
“Do you know how hard it is to be on that stage while you’re over here shaking your ass like that?” He smiled as he spun me in a circle and placed me back on the ground.
“You signing, man?” Chris asked as the band gathered beside us.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” Tucker replied, his eyes glued to mine. “Wait for me,” he whispered.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him. And I meant it.
Lizzy wrapped her fingers around my arm at the elbow and pulled me back from Tucker’s embrace.
“There will be plenty of time for this at the after-party.” She laughed, but the look from Tucker made her stop short.
I suddenly wished she had never told me about the parties. Maybe I wasn’t invited. Maybe Tucker didn’t want me hindering his chances with the adoring fans. I shook the thought from my mind. Tucker wasn’t Jax, and he had never given me a reason not to trust him. We were together now. He was my future. . . . I needed to stop letting the baggage I still carried from my past influence my expectations of Tuck.
“Come on, man.” Terry was trying to get the band to follow him so they could greet the fans. Tucker kissed my temple and backed up a few steps before turning to follow, running his hand through his hair.
“What was that about?” I turned to Lizzy who was digging through her pockets and pulling out a pack of cigarettes. I pulled in a deep breath at the sight of them. I hadn’t thought twice about smoking since I had quit, but seeing them made me crave them all over again.
Lizzy shrugged as she pulled a cigarette from the pack.
“These artist types are so moody.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Want one?” She held out the pack to me and I waved them away, but my nerves were killing me.
“Sure, just one won’t hurt.” I pulled one from the pack and nodded in thanks as she slid them into the back pocket of her jean shorts.
“Come on.” She cocked her head toward an emergency exit door.
“We will be back in five. Don’t forget about us,” she called to the security guard who was still blocking the door to the hallways. He nodded in our direction.
There was a breeze, but the air was warm, and after being in that giant stadium packed tight with bodies, it felt good. Lizzy dug a lighter out of her front pocket, struggling with the tightness of her clothing. She flicked the lighter and held it out for me. I leaned in, cigarette in mouth, and drew in a long, deep breath. She lit hers and leaned back against the door. Smoke clouded around us as we stared off at the sea of cars.
“So, how did you and Tucker meet?”
I glanced over at Lizzy who was flicking her ashes and tugging at the knot in the front of her shirt.
“He came to a diner I used to work at.” It felt a million years in the past but also like I would wake up and be in that shitty trailer. She nodded and didn’t say anything. I think she was waiting for me to elaborate, but I didn’t even know how to continue that story. I was actually surprised she didn’t know it. Maybe Tucker didn’t want to think about me while I was gone.
“You in love?” She glanced over at me, judging my reaction to her question.
“Yeah.” I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t need to. No matter how torn I was about wanting to stay away from Tucker, I knew without a doubt that it was because I loved him.
She smiled and flicked at her cigarette again.
“You love Terry?” I barely knew him, but I still felt like someone should look out for him. Play the protective big sister.
Lizzy shrugged and flicked the butt of her cigarette out onto the blacktop.
“I’m here until he gets tired of me and trades me in for someone else. Come on. The guys are going to be done soon.” She winked and looped her arm in mine. I flicked my cigarette and let her drag me through the giant metal door.
4
THE AFTER-PARTY WAS in full effect. The back hallway maze was filled with fans. The room that held the snack table was now just a sea of bodies. Alcohol was flowing from every direction, and I gripped Tucker’s hand to keep from getting lost in the crowd.
“Stay with Lizzy. I’m going to get us a drink.” Tucker spoke loudly into my ear as the guitarist from Filth began strumming a tune. I nodded and smiled over at Lizzy who was making out with Terry and had no idea that I was anywhere near her. I sighed and let go of his hand, the sea of people swallowing him up the moment he took a step away from me. I spotted Eric sitting on the back of a sofa, sipping a bottle of beer. I smiled as his eyes met mine, happy to see a familiar face. I made my way closer to him, wondering why he looked so pissed off.
He nodded his head as I approached, taking another drink.
“Hey,” I said lamely as I turned to look over the crowd.
“Hey. Where’s Tucker?”
I glanced around but couldn’t spot him.
“He went to get us some drinks.” I tucked my hair behind my ear as I stood on my toes to see better.
“Hmm . . .”
“What?” I turned. He shook his head and pointed with the neck of his bottle to a table set up along the far wall, lined with drinks of every variety. Tucker was nowhere in sight. I pulled my eyebrows together as I searched again, wondering where he’d gone, feeling an inexplicable sense of jealousy knot in the pit of my stomach.
Suddenly, two arms wrapped around my body, pulling me back into him. The smell of coconut mixed with beer filled the air around me. He held a bottle out in front of my face as he kissed my neck.
“Have you been smoking?” he asked as he turned me around to face him.
“Where were you?” I asked.
“Bathroom down the hall,” he replied. I glanced back at the spot on the couch where Eric had been sitting, but it was now empty.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head, feeling like an idiot. His free hand slid onto my hip bone and pulled my body back against his. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto his shoulder. His fingers scrunched the fabric of my dress as his hips slowly began to move with the music from the guitar, grinding into my backside. His breath blew across my neck as his lips hovered dangerously close to my skin. I knew I wasn’t ready to take things further with Tucker, but my mind and my body had two very different ways of thinking. I pushed back against him and he hissed between his teeth.
“God, I missed you.” His lips finally kissed their way up my neck toward my ear. I swallowed hard, not wanting to push him away. My mind was spinning as his fingers splayed over my stomach, and my body tensed involuntarily as I thought of the baby we’d lost. His lips pulled back from me and his forehead rested against the side of my h
ead as he tried to get his breathing under control.
“I’m sorry.” He tightened his grip around my waist and hugged me from behind.
“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I tried to reassure him.
“Get a room.” Chris laughed and both of our heads shot up to see him smiling at us.
“Hey, man,” Tucker said as he released me and came to stand beside me.
I took a long drink from my beer and tried to calm my emotions.
“Where’s Terry?” Tucker asked.
Chris glanced around the room before spotting Lizzy and Terry making out like high schoolers in the corner.
“He’s professing his love to his groupie.” Chris rolled his eyes and laughed, but he didn’t seem very happy.
“She seems nice.” I always had to put my two cents in.
“She would fuck him over in a second. I guarantee it.” He pushed his dark hair back from his face.
“Maybe you’re jealous,” Tucker jabbed. Chris exaggerated his shocked expression.
“Of that? Hell no, man. I am not the marrying kind.” He winked at me and grinned from ear to ear as he took a drink. “Why pick one when I can have a different one every night?” He gestured to the sea of women around him. I made a gagging sound and rolled my eyes, causing Chris to laugh even harder.
“Maybe you just haven’t met the right one,” I added, glancing at Tucker and feeling my cheeks blush.
“I am having too much fun with all the wrong ones.” He glanced back over his shoulder at his brother before sighing. “I miss my brother, though. I haven’t had a moment alone with him since Lizzy showed up.” Tucker patted Chris on the shoulder.
“Let’s get you another drink.” Tucker linked his fingers with mine, and we made our way over to the table that was loaded with alcohol. The guys poured some shots and clinked their glasses together before downing the harsh liquid. I declined on the hard stuff but opted for another beer, feeling myself finally begin to relax.
It wasn’t long before the other band members migrated to us. The guys laughed and drank, stopping to chat with an eager fan. Lizzy joined in and had to lean on Terry to even stay upright. Tucker kept a hand on me, as if he was afraid that I would vanish. I couldn’t blame him, but he didn’t need to worry. I didn’t want to be anywhere but by his side.
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