“You blame Tucker for what she did?”
“I blame her for her actions . . . but she was a junkie and needed help. He refused to see it. He blamed me, saying I gave her the pills and I was trying to screw up what he had.”
“That doesn’t sound like Tucker,” I said in barely a whisper as I took another drink.
“He got the girl and he let her nearly die. After she finally got the help she needed, he tossed her aside.”
“And you wouldn’t have? She was toxic.” I remembered everything that Tucker had told me about her, trying to find a way to defend him, explain his heartlessness.
“I would have walked through hell and back for her.”
“You can only take so much before you get burned.”
Eric’s eyes met mine as he thought over what I said.
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” He took a drink. “I think he is still trying to make it up to himself.”
“How so?”
“He didn’t let you die.”
Suddenly I wondered if Tucker had saved me because he thought it would make up for what happened in the past.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Cass. I just meant he wouldn’t let someone he cared about get hurt again.”
I nodded, but the tears were forming in my eyes and I just wanted to break down.
“Does he know now that you had dated her?”
“Yeah. We got in a fight once and I let it slip. It didn’t make things any better between us.”
“Obviously,” I joked as I looked over his fat lip and bruised eye. He laughed. “I need to use the bathroom.”
Eric’s eyes scanned the room and he pointed to the back left corner with the neck of his bottle. I pushed from the table and walked on wobbly legs to the door. I hadn’t realized how much I had drunk until I stood. The bathroom was a single stall, and I was grateful for a little privacy. I splashed some cold water on my face. This was a lot to absorb. And suddenly, I questioned Tucker’s motives for wanting to help me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a charity case. It made me sick.
I left the bathroom and pulled a one-dollar bill from my back pocket. Eric was staring down at his bottle, lost in memories.
“Can I get change?” I asked the bartender. He took the bill and gave me my quarters. I scanned over the machine, trying to find something to cheer up Eric before he noticed I was out of the bathroom. I flipped through the pages of CDs, reading over the titles carefully. Finally, I found a song I thought might make him smile. I made my way back to my seat hoping to lighten the mood.
As House of the Rising Sun began to play, Eric looked up at me and grinned.
“A girl after my own heart.” He put his hand on his chest and fell against the back of his chair.
“Did you drink more while I was gone?”
He held up his fingers to let me know he had a little more.
“I think you need to be cut off.”
He gave me a frightened looked and I laughed, loudly.
“Not Bobbit style. You need to slow down on the alcohol.”
“You might be right.” He picked up his bottle and drained the rest of the contents. “But we don’t have anywhere else to be.”
My heart sank again. I didn’t have anywhere to go, and all of my things were on the bus except for my bag from my trip. It was still on Tucker’s motorcycle and I wasn’t ready to face him yet. I was completely lost. I thought about calling my dad, but he had enough mouths to feed, and not nearly enough food to go around.
“I suppose you’re right.” I grabbed my bottle and drank the rest of the warming bubbly liquid.
“Tell me about the headaches.”
Eric sighed as he recalled the beating from his father two months after the death of his brother.
We sat for several more hours, drinking and reliving our pasts until we both were having trouble walking on our own. We left the bar and stumbled across the expansive parking lot, but everyone was long gone, including Tucker’s bike. Sadness consumed me again as I stared at the empty spot where it had been.
“We need a cab,” Eric slurred as he looked around.
“I need to call Tucker.” I held up the phone for Eric to see.
“You sure that’s a good idea?”
“What else are we going to do? I don’t have a choice.”
He nodded, rubbing the side of his head.
“You need your medicine, and we can’t just sleep out here in a parking lot.”
I pulled out my phone, expecting a screen filled with missed calls and texts from Tucker. My heart sank when I was greeted by a blank screen.
“Let me call Donna.” Eric grabbed his phone and dialed her number before I could argue. I hated Donna. I’d rather sleep with wild dogs than ask her for help, but Eric couldn’t go on suffering.
“Where are you?” he asked. Still massaging his head, his eyes closed as he listened. I chewed nervously on my lip, wishing I could make this whole day disappear.
Eric’s gaze met mine. I furrowed my brow, wishing I could hear the conversation.
“Why wait for things to cool down? It will only get worse when I come back. This shit needs to be settled.”
He fell silent again, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot.
“You know this is bullshit.” His entire tone changed, and I knew he was no longer talking to Donna. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked around the parking lot trying not to focus on the bitter fight I had caused. “Fine.”
He hung up the phone and began pacing.
“What did he say?”
“He will be here to pick you up in a few minutes.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
I took a step toward him and he turned around, trying to hide the sadness that was written all over his face.
“He can’t just leave you out here.”
“Cass, just go with him and fix this for yourself. I’ll be fine. He needs you.”
“I think I need him more than he needs me.”
Eric turned back around, shaking his head as we heard the distant growl of Tucker’s bike.
“You guys have been through a lot and that can either make you closer or rip you apart. You have to decide which way you want to go and stick with it.”
“That was deep.” I laughed, trying to lighten the situation.
“That’s what she said.” He winked as he smiled. His expression faded as Tucker pulled up beside us. He grabbed the spare helmet from the back of his bike and held it out to me. I looked from him to Eric, hating that he was being left behind. He had been through enough of that in his life.
I walked over to Tucker, my legs shaking from nervousness and inebriation.
“I’m not going to leave him out here.” I watched Tucker’s expression change to anger, and I held up a hand to stop him before he said something he would regret. I took another step closer and leaned in, kissing him softly on the lips. “I wouldn’t ever cheat on you, Tucker, and Eric would never hurt you like that. He is my friend, and he is yours, too. We are supposed to be a family. Family doesn’t do this.”
“You’re drunk,” was all he said. Tucker looked from Eric to me several times before he mumbled a curse word and pulled out his phone. He called Donna and told her to come pick up Eric. We all fell silent after he ended the call.
“Just go. I’ll be fine.” Eric waved his hand at us.
“She’ll be here any minute,” Tucker replied, not looking at him.
I nodded reluctantly and slid my leg over the back of Tucker’s bike. I took the helmet from his hand and secured it on my head. As we circled past Eric I gave him a smile before we took off fast across the deserted parking lot. I held on to Tucker, thankful I could wrap my arms around him again. I was hurt and confused, but Eric’s words had struck a chord. We needed to make a choice. We needed to decide if we would let our past pull us apart or help hold us together.
The ride back to the bus went entirely too
fast. I didn’t want to let go of Tucker, not knowing if things were going to be okay between us. We had a lot to discuss. As the bus came into view I suddenly felt a new wave of emotion. Embarrassment. Luckily, the alcohol made me feel brave enough to pull myself from Tucker. I took off my helmet as he got off the bike, shaking out my hair. Tucker stood beside me not saying a word. He took my helmet from me, looking it over before tossing it on the back of his bike.
“We need to talk.” I wanted to clear the air and make all of this go away. I wanted to be mad at him and know that just because I was upset, he wasn’t going to leave me. He nodded, rubbing his hand over his hair as he sighed. It might be too late.
He grabbed my hand and began walking by the bus. I trailed behind him, trying to figure out how we would fix this.
“Thank you for helping Eric.”
He turned his head to look at me, his eyes narrowed.
“I only helped him so you would get on the bike. I could care less where he goes.”
I stopped, pulling Tucker to a halt.
“Why are you acting like this? Eric is your friend.”
“You don’t know the whole story.”
“I know more than you think.”
“You know his side.”
“That’s because you don’t tell me anything! Tucker, you know every pathetic detail of my life, and I barely know anything about your past.”
“Because it’s the past and that’s where it should stay.”
I pulled my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
“What does that mean?”
The last thing I wanted to discuss was his ex-girlfriend, but I needed to know I wouldn’t be kicked aside the first time I screwed up somehow.
“What happened back there was an innocent hug. Nothing more than that. You need to trust me, and you need to trust your friends.”
“Eric is far from innocent.” He laughed humorlessly.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” he shot back.
“That girl. She was all over you, Tucker, and I didn’t see you pushing her away.”
“It was for work,” he yelled. I glanced behind us, hoping no one from the bus could hear us arguing.
“Why didn’t you want me to be there for that then if it was so innocent?” My anger was matching his.
“Because I didn’t want it to hurt you. It killed me to see the look in your eyes when you saw us on that fucking bike, sweetheart.”
“You got over that pretty quickly.”
“I snapped. Eric and I have a very rough history. I didn’t mean for you to get in the middle of it.”
“I noticed that when I got knocked out of the way.” I glared at him. His expression softened, and I could see his eyes tear over.
“I will never forgive myself . . .” His words cut as he struggled to keep his composure. “I didn’t tell you to leave because I was angry at you. I wanted you to leave because I had fucked up. I don’t deserve you. Not after tonight.”
“What happened in there was an accident. Trust me, I know the difference.” I took a step toward him and let my arms fall to my sides. He looked up at me, his expression pained.
“It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head as a tear slid down his cheek. I reached out to wipe it away, but he pulled back, not letting me touch him. “You don’t deserve any of this.” He kicked at the loose gravel under our feet.
A pair of headlights flashed across us, and we both turned to see Donna pull up beside the bus. Tucker shoved his hands into his jean pockets.
“What are you saying? You are giving up on us just because it got hard? It can’t always be perfect, Tucker.”
“It won’t ever be perfect, Cass. I’m so afraid someone else is going to hurt you that I end up hurting you myself. The way you looked at me after I fought with Eric . . .”
“If you would just talk to him.” I sighed, tossing my hands in the air.
“He doesn’t have a choice,” Eric called out from behind me, startling me with his close proximity. I spun around to see him just a few feet from us, his eyes locked on Tucker.
“I have nothing to say to you, and this is between me and Cass.”
“Seemed like it had something to do with me at the studio.” Eric walked up beside me.
“You mean when you were whispering in my girl’s ear, pulling her snug against your body?”
“He was telling me not to be upset. He told me to trust you, Tucker.” I wanted to fix things in my relationship, but first Eric and Tucker needed to mend their relationship. I hated seeing them hurt each other. Tucker looked over at Eric, not sure he believed me. Eric nodded, raising an eyebrow over his bruised eye.
“That doesn’t make sense. He has been against me from day one.”
“You’re my brother, Tucker. Cadence was a life lesson. This band has been the only family I have, and Cass is a part of that now.”
“You expect me to believe that after what happened?”
“What happened?” Eric threw his arms out at his sides. “I was cheated on by my girlfriend and later I found out it was with someone I had come to consider one of my best friends. I know you had no clue, Tuck, but it didn’t hurt any less.”
“You gave her pills and she nearly overdosed!” Tucker was in Eric’s face, but he stood his ground. Eric sighed, trying to keep himself calm.
“I loved her. I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt her. Just like I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. And I can’t let you hurt Cass.”
Tucker relaxed, his shoulders sagging, and I knew he finally believed Eric. I reached out slowly and looped my fingers in Tucker’s. He looked up at me, his blue eyes red with sadness.
“I know how hard it is to trust people, Tucker. Everyone I ever cared about hurt me in one way or another. I know it is hard for you, too, but we won’t ever make it if we don’t try.”
He nodded, pulling me roughly into his arms. He squeezed me so tightly I could barely breathe, but I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around him and held on to him as his body shook softy and we both cried. Taking such a leap of faith wasn’t easy for either of us.
I don’t know how long we stood there, holding each other, but when we finally pulled away, Eric was gone.
“You should talk to him . . . alone,” I said, taking a few steps back. Tucker nodded and went toward the bus to find Eric. I let out a sigh and looked up to the millions of stars dotting the sky above me. A few minutes later I heard heavy footsteps on the gravel behind me, and I spun around, not sure who was lurking in the dark.
“You okay?” Sarah asked. She was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, her makeup scrubbed off her face and her hair thrown back into a loose ponytail. You would never have guessed her alter ego was a powerful rock chick.
“I think so.” I nodded. “You heard all that?”
“Bits and pieces. It was kind of hard to miss.”
I looked back up at the sky and Sarah did the same.
“You’re lucky.”
“How so?” I asked, not taking my eyes off the sky.
“He wouldn’t have been so angry if he wasn’t so deeply in love you. He cares and it scares the shit out of him. He would give you up if it was what was best for you.”
“I can’t imagine how it would be better for me to be without him.”
“That’s because you love him just as much.” I could see the smile on her face in my peripheral vision. “There is a big difference between loving someone and being in love with him, you know.”
“What’s that?”
“When you love someone you tell them, but when you’re in love with someone you show them.”
“What part of that fight was us showing each other our love?” I looked over at her and she looked at me.
“For starters, he and Eric have been on a downward spiral since I met them. They were dead set on letting it end in a bloody mess, but they didn’t
. That was because he loves you.”
She motioned across the parking lot to Tucker and Eric giving each other a hug as they put their past behind them. “We all have shit that scares us. For you it’s getting hurt by someone you love. Tucker is afraid to trust. I’m scared to be alone. We all have our demons, but if we can get our demons to play nice with someone else’s, well, that makes life worth living.”
17
I STRETCHED AND TUCKER’S arms coiled tighter around my stomach. I smiled, kissing him lightly on his forehead. He grinned as he slowly opened his eyes.
“I love waking up with you in my arms.”
“Good, because this could get awkward if you didn’t.”
He laughed, placing a kiss on the tip of my nose.
“Gross,” Eric called from his bunk, and Tucker and I both laughed.
“Good morning, Eric,” I called out.
“What’s good about it?”
“I’m going to make pancakes.” I listened as he slid out of his bunk and made his way into the tiny kitchen. Tucker frowned.
“What’s wrong?”
“I didn’t want to let go of you yet.” He squeezed me again, and I peppered a trail of kisses up his neck. “Now I refuse to let go of you.”
I pushed against his chest to break free from his grip.
“Come on. I’m hungry.”
He reluctantly let his arms go slack and I slid out of the bunk, holding my hand out to him. He took it and stood up with a groan. I glanced down over the rough skin of his knuckles that had been busted and swollen from his fight with Eric. He pulled his hand back and ran it over his hair.
“I’m fine.”
I rolled my eyes but walked to the front of the bus to prepare breakfast. I cringed when I saw Eric’s face. His lip was not nearly as swollen, and where it had busted open had healed closed, leaving a thin red line. His eye was another story. It had darkened into deep purples and blues.
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