Imagine this scenario if it seems counterintuitive to seek someone with contradictory answers to these three questions. You’re stuck on a desert island with another person, with no form of entertainment other than the beach, your tan bodies, and conversation. The beach is going to lose its magic pretty quickly, once you realize there is no other landscape to see. The sex may be great (assuming that nothing is better for sex than hopeless isolation), but even that will lose its explosiveness over time. The only thing left is a lifetime of conversation—conversation that will eventually run dry of new subject matter because of your isolation from books, music, movies, art, sports, and news. At that point, you would hope to be marooned with someone whose point of view is different enough from your own to sustain lively conversations about coconuts and the species of fish best suited for spear fishing.
(By the way, hold on to any man who can enchant you by discussing either of those exceedingly dull subjects. He’s a keeper.)
Metaphorically speaking, which is more important, the journey or the destination?
This question may sound confusing, but it really isn’t. In addition to being valid symbolically, it can also be taken quite literally. Let say you’re living in New York and plan a business trip to San Diego in two weeks. Let’s also say that your schedule allows you to make the trip at your leisure and choose your means of transportation. Would you prefer to travel by car in order to make a series of stops in different cities along the way (“perceiving”), or would you rather go by plane, to ensure a finite departure and arrival time (“judging”)?
The previous chapter noted the essential importance of this question in determining compatibility, because it is obviously frustrating to argue with someone who has entirely different ideas about approaching the argument or what the argument is about. You want to resolve a specific dilemma by “judging”—for example, whether your new pup will be an indoor or outdoor dog—and your partner would rather engage the question from a million different angles, “perceiving” before finally suggesting the puppy choose for itself.
After all, who doesn’t trust a three-month-old Dalmatian to make sound decisions? If only your furniture could voice its dissent…
A popular cliché found in sitcoms and romantic comedies is the straight-laced, rigid, controlling man (“judging”) who meets a spontaneous, devil-may-care woman (“perceiving”) and thus learns—via “true love,” of course—how to let his hair down and embrace life. This woman is such a common character cliché in rom-coms that Nathan Rabin of the Onion A.V. Club has coined a term for her—the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl.” He defines the character as “that bubbly, shallow, cinematic creature who exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”[xvii]
Rabin’s tongue-in-cheek definition reads like a parody of the “perceiving” personality type in its purest form. “Perceiving” people reject structure. They prefer to “live in the moment,” and are easily adaptable to change. They’re motivated by curiosity and an eagerness to embrace the unknown. Their moods determine both when and how they will react to a particular problem. They pride themselves on their flexibility.
“Judging” personality types are the opposite. They see both their own world and the world at large as ordered. They make decisions quickly and conclusively. They communicate tersely and to the point. They’re diligent planners. What a “perceiving” person might criticize as “inflexibility,” a “judging” person would celebrate as “self-discipline.”
Hollywood loves to stick the square peg “judging” with the free spirit “perceiving,” because it loves the friction of opposites. Where doesn’t this work out quite so well?
In the real world.
One of the baseline necessities for two people who want to spend a lifetime together is shared goals for the future. If you desire the stability of familial home life and diligent advancement in your career, it’s fruitless to marry someone who disdains children and wants to travel the globe. No matter how many other traits you share, the similarities are insignificant unless you’re content to marvel at him via web-cam. Call me old-fashioned if you wish, but I demand that my life partner occupies the same continent.
Some of you may contend that “true love” overcomes all obstacles. I can agree with you in the short term, but not over the course of a lifetime. A “perceiving” partner may, for instance, put aside his own goals to create a family with a “judging” mate. But somewhere down the line, whether twenty-four months or twenty-four years, he or she’ll experience regret over giving up the dreams and potentially feel a deep-seeded resentment for the person whose wishes replaced those dreams.
This doesn’t mean every pair opposite in this regard is doomed to failure. Few people exist at the extreme, with no trace of the opposite trait—i.e., all “judging” with no “perceiving” in their personality or vice-versa. I mean only that this contrast can be overcome in the long run solely by compromise. If the family man is to last with the happy wanderer, one of them must become similar to the other. There has to be real change, not just appeasement. Only then can those future killers—regret and resentment—be avoided.
I named this chapter “Tapping into Your Private Dick,” but not for juvenile reasons. Finding a good mate requires that you become an investigator (the title “dick”) of sorts. No longer will you be a passive observer of your love life, hoping for “luck” to happen upon a good guy. You’re going to find the right person for yourself and tuck “fate” back into the fairy tales.
In the next chapter, we’ll streamline your “investigation” by detailing some broad “types” to avoid.
Chapter Eight
The Taxonomy of the Asshole
Assholes.
An irritating inevitability of modern life is that the world rewards assholes far more than it should (which is never). Research has shown that people who possess an inflated sense of self-worth (the “deluded asshole” further detailed below) are actually more likely to rise to leadership and management positions in Corporate America.[xviii] The business world also unduly rewards those who engage in chronic attention-seeking behavior (the “egocentric asshole”), also commonly known as “look-at-me!”-ism. (This isn’t a clinically recognized term, but it should be.) Most of us have suffered at least one horrible boss in our lives who was one (or both) of these two obnoxious types—the jackass who constantly criticizes you while ignoring his own glaring flaws, or the ethically-challenged glory hog who takes credit for all your hard work.
Though the world may not be terribly enlightened, there is no reason you shouldn’t be, especially as it pertains to pursuing your own happiness. It’s time to identify these jerks for who they are and extend an urbane and ladylike middle finger in their general direction. Taxonomy refers to “a classification into ordered categories.” Here is an introductory classification for the many taxing (pun intended) varieties of worthless men, beginning with two we’ve already mentioned.
“The Deluded Asshole”
In a joint study conducted by the Ohio State University and the University of Georgia (“Leader Emergence: The Case of the Narcissistic Leader”), researchers found that people with an inflated sense of self-worth first emerged as leaders in scenarios where leadership was lacking.[xix] It makes perfect sense, really. People who think highly of themselves are most likely to assert their dominance and thus their superiority in an effort to lead others. That’s not a problem in itself. The problem emerges when said “leader” lacks the very qualities which he believes gives him the “right” to lead. (The deluded asshole often believes his own success is a natural result of his God-given “talent,” and thus it is his due.) This problem doesn’t affect only the workplace. Many of you’ve likely encountered this guy in your romantic life as well. He’s the one who loves to wax ad nauseam about his vast intelligence, physical gifts, or mastery of something or another. Every guy who ever
prattled endlessly about his sexual proficiency and then turned out to be an epic disappointment fits this type.
The deluded asshole would be harmless if delusion were his only problem. Most often, however, this hyper-inflated sense of personal value comes with a hypercritical edge. His own unique “brilliance/talent” casts your own supposed deficiencies in sharper relief, making you the target of constant disapproval. Moreover, he uses his own ludicrous self-image as a way of discounting your own opinions or feelings. You can’t possibly voice a contrary point of view without being dismissed (either quietly or openly) as hopelessly “inferior.”
“The Egocentric Asshole”
This guy doesn’t need much of an introduction. Unless you’ve been wildly lucky, you’ve encountered and perhaps even dated this douchebag. It’s their world, and you’re just walking around in it. Either they weren’t held enough as a child, or they were held too much. They cannot be happy, unless the spotlight is on them. Dating one engages you in a perpetual game of verbal tennis. Any discussion focused on you will be back spun to make it about him. Experienced a hardship in your life? He suffered more. Any funny story you have, he has a funnier one. Anything you’ve done well, he’s done it better. Everything you say or do is merely a preamble to his own words or actions.
Have you ever spoken to someone who you felt wasn’t really listening or absorbing what you were saying, but rather was just waiting for a pause in the action, so that he could talk? This is that guy.
The problems with dating The Egocentric Asshole only emerge if, for instance, you want to be treated like a human being with her own thoughts, ideas, feelings and desires, who deserves respect and consideration. Let’s hope that, by this point in our discussion, you at the very least demand acknowledgment as a human being. However, if you just love to be treated as a mere prop in the movie of someone else’s life, congratulations! There are untold multitudes of Egocentric Assholes out there who would be happy to make use of you.
The majority is encouraged to avoid this idiot like herpes.
“The Vain Asshole”
This guy could almost be a subset of The Egocentric Asshole, since both types are preternaturally fixated on themselves. Yet the distinction between them is worthwhile. If anything, The Vain Guy is more potentially noxious. While both are unlikely to treat you with respect, infidelity isn’t a natural prerequisite for the Egocentric guy. However, it is all but inevitable for the Vain Asshole, since his vanity is like a ravenous animal; it cannot survive without constant feedings. So, while you may appease his need for validation at the beginning, soon it won’t be enough that you find him irresistible. He’ll also need attention from other women, lots of them, and it probably won’t satisfy him to be just the object of their coy flirtation. Flirtation is only harmless for those of us who don’t stake our whole identity on it.
For the Vain Asshole, flirting is never “innocent” or “fun.” It’s serious business, and it will always be more important than you.
I’m including in this category what we will call the “serial seducer” (aka “notches-on-the-bedpost” guy), because his motivation is the same as The Vain Asshole—feeding his ever-precarious sense of self-worth. Whether a particular Vain Asshole is also a serial seducer is a pretty useless distinction. Neither is a good bet for monogamy. It’s less a matter of “Will he cheat?” than “When will he cheat?” For this reason, the dysfunction at the heart of this guy isn’t dangerous only to your emotional well-being, it’s potentially harmful to your health too.
Whereas The Egocentric Asshole should be avoided like herpes, The Vain Asshole should be avoided for likely having herpes.
“The Powerful Asshole”
On paper, dating this captain of industry might sound ideal. As some of you may be saying right now, “At least he has a damned job,” (See “The Lazy Asshole, below.) When the meal check drops, you never have to worry that it will subtly begin to slide your way. This guy goes the other way, treating you to restaurants you not only cannot afford, but where you couldn’t get a reservation if you tried. When you go, you aren’t granted time to review the menu, as he orders a seven-course meal for you both according to the strict dictates of his live-in personal nutritionist. Distant memories are the dates when you were “treated” to a Happy Meal as a “romantic dinner.”
There is a subtle problem hinted at in this dream scenario. As sumptuous as the meal may be, you have no control over it. This is an apt comparison for problems that underlie dating The Powerful Asshole. He wakes up in the morning, puts on a custom-tailored suit, and then goes to a place where he is surrounded by people who are paid to bend to his will. He talks to people all day, every day, brokering deals involving obscene amounts of money. Despite all those countless hours of discussion, there is one word he seldom hears: no.
In addition to being an iron-fisted control freak, The Powerful Asshole is notable for his complete disinterest in the truth. One troubling study by noted psychologist Carrie Keating found that those who rise to positions of power are among the most persuasive liars. To quote her own words, “Our laboratory research has shown that males who are best at the deception task emerge as leaders among their peers.”[xx]
This doesn’t mean every highly successful man is a liar, but for The Powerful Asshole, lying is hardwired into his DNA, and the same natural talent for lying in the boardroom always emerges later in the bedroom. Another key trait of The Powerful Asshole explains his ability to lie so convincingly. He is so absolutely motivated by self-interest that he’s free from guilt, shame, or any reservations that might prevent him from screwing you over.
There is another word for this kind of controlling, pathologically lying, and unrepentant narcissist: sociopath.
“The Lazy Asshole”
Not every woman has dealt with The Powerful Asshole in her dating life, but odds are high you’ve suffered his opposite. Those of you with this experience could form a Greek chorus of shared anger at this shiftless, careless, worthless guy. The latter adjective is particularly apt, and it is more than a figurative description. The Lazy Asshole is often literally worthless. He comes to the relationship with nothing, contributes nothing, and if you’re really lucky, he leaves with nothing.
More often, you don’t get off that easily. Unlike most bad relationships, which leave you with just a vague, inexpressible sense of loss, it’s all too easy to add up the receipts for your time with The Lazy Asshole. These debits include—but are in no way limited to—rent, utilities, car and student loan payments, credit cards, electronics, travel, groceries, and every single restaurant, bar, or movie you ever went to. If this guy had even a shred of decency, he’d encourage you to form a corporation at the beginning of your relationship called “Shit Boyfriend, LLC.” At least then you could write off all the money you wasted on him as a business expense.
The Lazy Asshole can take many forms. He can be a starving artist, a college student, a trust fund kid whose parents have cut the leash, or a failed entrepreneur who refuses to acknowledge that his idea/start-up is unfeasible or just plain dumb. (See also “The Deluded Asshole.”) All the various incarnations of this guy share an unearned sense that the world owes them a living, and since the world seems not to be kicking in its share, you’ll do quite nicely.
In the beginning, The Lazy Asshole usually feigns interest in picking up a check, or at least offers some “temporary” reason he’s unable to do so. Once the fact that you’re paying for everything has been set as the default position, he’ll cease to exhibit even the pretense of putting up his fair share. (See Chapter Eleven, “Writing the Rule Book.”) He may even have the gall to insist it’s his natural right not to contribute, on the basis of some other contribution he made—like the four times he actually cleaned the house while you were at work, or those increasingly infrequent occasions when he can peel his Cheeto-stained ass off the couch long enough to provide you with an orgasm.
These are five of the (relatively) benign types of Asshole to av
oid. In the next chapter, we will examine a few that are more than just a waste of your time, love, and energy. They’re the kind of men that can leave bruises—both figurative and literal—that don’t heal so easily or so well.
Chapter Nine
Rescuing Normal
In the last chapter, we covered five types of common assholes you want to avoid, in an honest but tongue-in-cheek way. A lot of this book is written in this particular style, since I know a healthy dose of sardonic wit is missing in most (if not all) dating books—thus the wonderful tome you now hold in front of you.
This, however, is the one chapter that won’t be presented in this way. There is very little that’s funny in the next few pages, so if you’re here solely for entertainment value (which is perfectly acceptable), you may want to skip ahead. Before we get to the really heavy stuff, let’s start with a basic truth about men:
The majority of them are okay.
I’m not saying that the majority of men out there will set the world on fire, treat you like a goddess and with absolute care, sensitivity, and compassion. I’m saying that most men, at their core, are decent, kind, and desirous of giving and receiving love. They may not all be right for you, but they don’t warp your desire for future male companionship.
Like anything else in life with a huge sample size (more than 140 million men in North America alone), men generally cleave to an average, a norm. Take, for instance, these national averages for a man in the United States:
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