I hope you’ve derived a substantial lesson from what I’ve written. Suffering is by no means a prerequisite for wisdom. Anyone who suggests otherwise is more sadist than teacher. Besides, sparing you the harder lessons is the least I can do in return for your money and patience.
Only three more chapters to go, gentle reader.
Chapter Twenty-One
Raze/Repair
To use a metaphor from the previous chapter, how do you distinguish a repairable building from one that needs razing?
The first step is to properly assess its existing state. In the same way that a faulty foundation can’t be fixed with a bit of duct tape and spackle, neither can wholesale changes in someone be effected with gentle encouragement and a few carefully placed promises of reward. A person is in many ways harder to fix than any building; a building doesn’t have to want to be repaired for change to happen. By contrast, people do require motivation, and their will can do or undo everything you envision.
Psychologists once believed that personality is, by and large, set by the age of thirty. For some of you, it wouldn’t give you much time to fix that dolt wasting away on your couch. For others, it means that you’re wasting your time completely. However, conventional wisdom on the subject of personality change has transformed recently. Here’s what psychologist Dr. Jan Goldfield says on the subject: “If you’re ready for change, you can make it happen.”[lxi]
Notice what the good doctor doesn’t say. She doesn’t say that everyone will change or even can. She says that those who are conscious of a desire to change and willing to act upon that desire are capable of change. Think about all of the New Year resolutions you’ve ever made. Now reflect on the almost infinitesimally small percentage that resulted in major changes of behavior. Rather than a knock on your willpower, it’s a reflection of how the majority operates, and I certainly count myself among that majority. If I had a dollar for every failed promise to eat better, or exercise more, or quit some vice or another, I’d have about two hundred and sixteen very disappointed dollars by now.
Your capacity to change shouldn’t be mistaken for your likelihood to do so. Keep this in mind when you envision any change in your romantic partner. Do you seek a reflection of your own qualities? If so, how wholesale a change does he require? (And if not, what changes are required for you to be less of a hypocritical jerk?) Try to compare your partner’s perceived major flaw against one of your own, choosing a defect that’s similarly entrenched. How hard would it be for you to “fix” the comparable trait in yourself, even under ideal circumstances?
It wouldn’t be too easy, would it?
Let’s look on the bright side for a moment. According to researchers Sanjay Srivastava and Oliver John of the University of California at Berkeley, not only does our personality change over time, it also changes more in adulthood than during childhood.[lxii] Theirs is a message of optimism for anyone who has ever lamented a seemingly insurmountable Achilles heel that he or she appeared powerless to overcome. These researchers have outlined a five-step plan to change:
#1 Figure out why change is needed.
We’re driven as much by the need to avoid pain as we are by the pursuit of pleasure. This instinct initiates many of our attempts to change. We get sick of suffering. We hate the way our bodies look, so we fight the impulse to overeat and change our diets. We get sick of always being broke, so we balance our checkbooks and become more frugal in our spending habits. We get sick of feeling tired and run down, so we begin to exercise.
Many of the big changes we make in our lives come from learning to forestall short-term pleasure for long-term good. The ability to do so is one of the primary steps toward adulthood. If these decisions represented only moral victories, no one would change, ever. It’s easy to accept or even embrace glaring flaws within ourselves when we’re young, seeing as we can’t imagine being any other way. As we get older, we start to see how our shortcomings can cripple not only our present but our future as well.
I didn’t change because I suddenly became a stronger or better person. I changed because I was sick of being unhappy and no longer able to deny the reasons for my unhappiness. Your reasons for changing anything in your own life were probably similarly self-motivated. There’s nothing wrong with using selfish motivations as the driving force behind change. The benefits of change aren’t only yours to enjoy. They usually benefit the people around you too.
#2 Pick something specific to change.
“I want to be a nicer person” is a laudable goal, but it isn’t easy to define and even harder to achieve. Imagine trying to fix a leak without any idea where it originated. All the good intentions in the world won’t stop the water from dripping. The same is true for changing anything about ourselves. Start with a smaller goal, such as “I want to be more agreeable at work.” It’s far simpler to examine the problem (“I don’t want to be known as the ‘office asshole’ anymore”) and thus easier to outline a strategy for relief. (“I need to be more patient with my co-workers’ incessant babbling and more tolerant of their stupidity.”)
The same is true when trying to change something about our romantic partner. If the problem is “I want him to be nicer to my girlfriends,” things are probably repairable. If it’s “I want him to be nice,” roll out the bulldozer. The building is most assuredly ruined.
#3 Allow time for changes to take place.
This is necessary for any changes you make for your own benefit, and it’s doubly true of any changes you ask of other people. It took a lifetime for your partner to become the way he is. If he doesn’t take an equal number of years to change, consider it progress. The time it takes for change to occur isn’t just a challenge for your partner. It’s a challenge for you called “patience,” and if you don’t have it, nothing will change. Your choices are patience or acceptance. Your eventual choice will reflect something about your own shortcomings in one or both of these key areas.
If you can’t be patient or accepting, at least be honest with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with admitting your own limitations and acting accordingly. There’s no nobility in continuing to suffer an untenable situation just because you’ve already invested a lot of time and energy in it. The fact that you’ve invested so much without seeing any improvement is exactly why you should leave. Sticking around is, to use my father phrase, just throwing more good money after bad.
I’ve met several people who continued to hang around in lousy relationships for no other reason than they’d already been in it for a long time.
“I can’t leave [Terrible Boyfriend X] now,” they protested. “I’ve put too much time in to quit now.”
Listening to this argument has always reminded me of a joke once told by the great film director, Woody Allen:
Two elderly women are eating dinner at a restaurant, when one of them remarks:
“Boy, the food at this restaurant is really terrible.”
“I know!” agrees the other. “And such small portions!”
Staying in a bad relationship is like demanding more of a terrible meal. Quality doesn’t improve with quantity. You just get extra helpings of shit.
#4 Demand accountability for change.
This is one area where you can be a positive influence for change. If your partner is committed to changing a specific behavior, you owe it to him to point out both his failings and his successes. Resistance to your involvement can indicate resistance to making the change at all. Resistance to your methods of censure or praise is a different issue. If that’s the problem, you may want to re-assess how you’re “helping.” If you’re being overly negative or demanding too much, too quickly, you’re more likely to cement the flaw than erase it.
That said, the impetus toward personal improvement is also a wonderful bonding opportunity for you and your mate. Employed appropriately, your influence can motivate your partner and help strengthen his resolve to change. His personal success in this matter becomes a shared victory, one that can expone
ntially strengthen your relationship.
#5 Look for other sources for change.
The researchers encourage seeking outside help to change your personality whenever possible. This is good advice whether we mean papers like the one published by Srivastava and John or the good book you’re currently reading. Any help you can get to assist you in correcting certain personality quirks is useful, whether it’s you or your partner who needs improvement. It’s probably more important for him, as few of us welcome the idea that we need correction in the first place. It won’t hurt to have a few experts on your side.
Another point brought up in the Srivastava and John paper isn’t terribly encouraging. The researchers discuss the extreme unlikelihood of change when the sole motivating factor is what another person wants. Their paper doesn’t differentiate who the other person is, either. Mother, partner, roommate, brother, girlfriend, sister—the relationship really doesn’t matter. Change not firmly motivated in the person trying to change is likely to be doomed. It’s less likely to take hold in the short-term and far less likely to be permanent. The researchers even go so far as to describe changes made for others as “unhealthy.”
Consider this for a moment, if you have some grand design for your romantic partner. Whatever changes you envision are unlikely to occur if:
The changes are large in scale.
The changes aren’t specific enough to be addressed in detail.
You aren’t willing to be patient.
You don’t provide a helpful influence.
You aren’t willing to accept outside help. And, last but not least.
He didn’t want to make the change for himself. (Seeing a pattern here?)
If you intend to “fix” a “broken” boyfriend, you’d better be sure repairs are even possible. If too much work is needed, you’re better off seeking better accommodations. Moreover, even if just a little requires your reparative expertise, you’d better be sure your boyfriend shares your views, or you’ll stare down disappointment and more than a little mutual resentment. As I noted earlier, buildings don’t need motivation to be repaired. Your boyfriend does.
In the next chapter, we’ll examine a popular myth that leads to relationship destruction almost as much as infidelity.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The Myth of Full Disclosure
I’m just going to come out and say it right now: the “whole truth” is wholly overrated.
As the famed wit Oscar Wilde wrote:
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
We lie to each other, even to the people we love most, and sometimes especially to the ones we love most. Take, for example, our discussion about past sexual partners. In a survey of two thousand ladies by Glamour magazine, they were asked, “How many women has your boyfriend slept with?” Here are the results:
• None – he was a virgin – 16.7 percent
• One – 8.8 percent
• Two – 5.8 percent
• Three to five – 14.8 percent
• Five to ten – 14.5 percent
• More than 20 – 11.4 percent
• No idea, I don’t want to know – 28.1 percent
There are a couple of notable things about these results. First, men clearly underreport their number to their girlfriends. By most conservative estimates, the average number of sexual partners for men is above ten, whereas the survey results suggest the opposite. The other notable result from the survey is the last entry, which, by my estimate, is about 71 percent too low. So I’ll ask the question to you again in a more direct fashion, dear reader:
Do you honestly want to know how many women your boyfriend has penetrated?
We talked earlier about why I think you should never share your number. Short of STDs or undisclosed children, your sexual past is irrelevant and no one else’s business. Nothing good comes from this discussion, ever. A prime example is the story of my friend, Rebecca. Her last boyfriend initiated the discussion of sexual history early in their courtship. Against her better judgment, Rebecca revealed her number, and it turned out to be higher than his. Fortunately, the guy took the news reasonably and reacted in a mature fashion, responding with a good-natured perspective.
Just kidding. He flipped out.
Want to know why you should never tell your number? Because when you’re honest, you get responses like this:
“The guy is supposed to be the one with a bigger number,” said Rebecca’s boyfriend, exhibiting a vice grip on rationality and fair play. “That’s just how it is.”
Whenever someone’s only argument for something is “that’s just how it is,” you can be sure that’s just how it isn’t. Among my friends, this is by no means the only example of this ridiculously specious argument. Plenty of men, even normally rational ones, honestly support this idiotic double-standard. Whether it threatens his male ego or contaminates his perversely warped idea of female “purity,” this kind of retrograde dope needs to feel more experienced.
If you don’t want to avoid his type altogether (which is my heartfelt recommendation), don’t answer the question in the first place. If he insists on an answer, lie right to his big, stupid face. Tell him you’re not only a virgin, but that your priest says you’re so pure that you won’t truly lose your virginity until the third mating.
In the case of my friend Rebecca, she wasn’t accused of being a slut only on that first night. The discussion flared up over and over during their four-year relationship whenever a fight became particularly bitter and she was clearly winning the argument. Men often accuse women of not staying on point or playing fair during a fight, but men employ the same dirty tactics when cornered. Given that Rebecca was far and away her boyfriend’s intellectual superior, his response in a fight usually devolved into:
“Yeah, maybe I don’t [get a job/clean up after myself/ever take you anywhere nice/tell you I love you/etc.]! But you’re a goddamned whore!”
Rebecca got this form of thanks repeatedly, just for being honest. And it probably wasn’t the only time when a denial or skillful half-truth would’ve served her better. The idea that full disclosure is warranted is patently ridiculous, especially early in relationships. I don’t know if it’s the influence of daytime talk shows or therapy or self-help books far more misguided than this one, but we’ve been sold the idea that the unvarnished truth is necessary, early and often. Live by this credo if you wish, but don’t be surprised when your relationships end, early and often.
There has been a mountain of research on the subject of online dating. People who meet online are presented an opportunity to create an image of themselves that face-to-face interaction doesn’t offer. In person, we present a series of non-verbal cues (facial expression, body language, etc.) that can counteract the message we’re attempting to convey. In short, our bodies give us away, making it possible for the absorbed message to differ greatly from the intended message. Online interaction takes place in a vacuum capable of allowing us to shape how we’re perceived. Studies have repeatedly shown that the more successful we are at presenting our best selves, the more successful the ensuing relationships tend to be.
This doesn’t mean you should out and out lie about who you are. If who you are is wildly divergent from the image you present, your relationship is doomed. There no point in trying to get your partner to fall in love with a false representation of you. It will take all of your energy to frantically preserve false pretenses and struggle to maintain a love that, for all intents and purposes, does not exist.
Though there is no use in perpetuating an unsustainable lie, there is real value in presenting your best self during the early stages of courtship. The idea that online dating is the last bastion of the perpetually lovelorn is absolutely rebuked by fact. A study by Bath University in Great Britain reported that 62 percent of respondents thought it was easier to locate someone compatible online than through conventional methods.[lxiii] 94 percent of these matches resulted in at least a second date. Moreover, one
in five people who used online dating services married someone they met online.
Putting to bed one of women’s chief complaints about men since our species first began walking upright, men reported that they found it much easier to open up online than in person. So, not only is it potentially easier to find a proper match online, the relative anonymity of online communication makes the “getting to know you” phase of the relationship much more seamless.
Like everything in life, however, this new openness should be viewed with a cool head. The rush to reveal everything about ourselves doesn’t pay nearly the dividends that our tele-therapists would have us believe. In a study by Nancy Collins and Lynn Carol Miller entitled “Self Disclosure and Liking,” the researchers noted that, while self-disclosure is often seen as positive, there are a myriad of opportunities for things to go wrong.[lxiv] The process of getting to know someone is just that—a process. It occurs incrementally and marks the negotiation of a complex relationship. It isn’t enough for each party to hear what’s being said. Far more important is understanding, and understanding doesn’t occur immediately.
This highlights the essential problem in immediately launching into a laundry list of your past actions, your former misdeeds, your dashed hopes, your fears both real and imaginary, the dark corners of your upbringing, and the sum total of your neuroses, past and present. It’s too much, too soon, for any real understanding of the complex person at the center of your list. You would honestly be better off reading New Guy an actual laundry list, which would yield about the same amount of insight and has the added benefit of not scaring the shit out of him.
Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This Page 14