by Rute Canhoto
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Dumb, silly, moron, idiot... STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! The reprimand echoed in Marina’s brain with so much intensity that she had to rub her temples with circular movements to calm down the pain that stroke her. She felt heartbroken and, above all, deceived. She has been so naïve that, not even hearing the truth from two different mouths, she had deciphered it. He had told her that he was a lost one, Barbatos had called him a lost one twice; even she had repeated the words. How didn’t she realize it sooner? It couldn’t be any more obvious. The only thing missing was Lucas wearing a label on his forehead saying ‘Lost One’. Tears welled in her eyes as naturally as water in a fountain, preventing her from thinking clearly.
“Stay rational,” Marina ordered to herself as she shook her head to restore order. She dried the tears with the back of her hand in a brusque gesture, devoid of delicacy.
She wanted to cross the information of her list with the data from the Internet, since she kept a secret hope that she might be wrong. Starting with the beginning, it was said that Lost Ones were people who went to Hell and gradually lost their humanity until they became demons. Opposing facts, Lucas had asked her what she would do if she knew that he was as evil as a demon. It fitted... And the scars on Lucas' chest were now easy to explain: if he came from Hell, most likely he had been severely tortured to take away the goodness within him and to part him from his humanity. But why did he end up in Hell?
Continuing the text, the Lost Ones returned under the form they had before, though their skin might look strange. Lucas had a normal appearance and his skin had nothing abnormal; she knew it, because she had seen him quite undressed. However, whenever she touched him, she noticed that he was cold. The torrent of exactitude hit her hard as a painful blow to the stomach. It was obvious that he was cold: he was dead. Otherwise, how could he have gone to Hell? A sense of strangeness took over her. The boy who she loved was nothing more than a... corpse? She tried to lighten that conclusion with a crazy comparison: if she had discovered that he was a vampire as the Cullen’s in the Stephanie Meyers’ story, would she have minded about it that much? Edward had also said to Bella that he wasn’t one of the good guys, but he had shown that, within the supernatural sphere, he was benign. Would Lucas be like that? She could not forget that he had saved her twice, and she felt that he had been sincere when he told her that he loved her. To her misfortune, she responded entirely.
Thinking about her accidents drew her to other points on the list. Lucas had told her that all the bad things that had happened to her were his fault. Why would he think that? Would he guess that, for being a demon, he attracted bad luck to her? Or would he know beforehand that some evil force wanted to attack her and felt guilty for not being able to protect her? She had no idea… Her head was spinning at super speed: there were too many things happening at the same time and she didn’t feel able to assimilate everything properly. On top of that, the tears kept falling, causing her eyes to burn. When she realized it, she was sobbing nonstop and her back shuddered in panting spasms, as if she had just received news of the death of someone close to her. In a way, she had just lost someone - her beloved one. She was lacerated inside.
The memory that she wasn’t alone in the house made her swallow all her sorrow and force herself to be quiet. Marina shut down the laptop and devoted herself to choose her clothes for the next day, in an attempt to distract herself; however, her mind didn’t slow down. With her eyes still burning, she lay down in bed, pulled the blanket to her shin and remained very still, listening to the night noises. The precipitation had returned to fall, which was unusual, taking into account how closed the fog was when she had returned home. It was as if the night was shedding the tears that she could no longer weep. Although she was exhausted, her heavy eyelids refused to close so as not to miss one bit of her personal living nightmare.
Several hours later, she heard her mother leaving to go to work. She had been unable to sleep a wink all night and felt worn out. Even so, she decided to get up at once and to prepare for school. She put on the clothes she had picked at random the night before and tied her hair in the usual pony-tail. Although she knew that she should look awful and that she had dark circles so profound that it seemed she had been punched in both eyes, she didn’t apply any makeup. Who doesn’t want to see it, have better not look, she grunted inside.
Marina headed to the kitchen, where, over a long period, she swung the spoon over the bowl of cereal, dipping it occasionally in the milk while holding her head with the other hand. She had passed the entire night trying to put her ideas in order. She had made two decisions: the first one was to confront Lucas with what she had unraveled; the second was to get away from him. He had warned her that it was unsafe to have him around, and she simply hadn’t paid attention. Now that she was aware of the harsh reality, she knew it was the best thing to do, no matter how this weighed on her heart. Part of her wasn’t interested in the nature of Lucas: what did it matter when she was certain that his love for her was sincere? Being happy wasn’t the most important thing? For her, it was. Still, she felt betrayed, since she had given him several opportunities to confess, but he had never revealed much about himself. Things didn’t have to get to that point.
The sound of someone knocking at the door made her jump; it would be Joshua to go to school together. She threw the rest of the cereals into the trash and to her room to get her things. The diary on the blanket caught her attention: it was in it that she had taken note of all the conclusions she arrived at. She hesitated, but ended up snagging it and walking out the door.
After crossing the doorway, Marina greeted Joshua. He was startled with her looks and made a grimace. Concerned, he asked, “Are you ok?”
In a low tone, she replied, “Kinda. Last night was a nightmare. I didn’t sleep a single hour.”
“And may I ask you why?”
He could ask, but she didn’t intend to answer with frankness. She didn’t want to mention Lucas, since she didn’t feel like hearing the annoying ‘I told you so.’ Joshua had indeed warned her, but just because he wanted her for himself and not for thinking his opponent was a demon. By way of justification, Marina whispered, “I didn’t sleep, because I was sick and I still am.”
It wasn’t false. The nervousness and the disappointment had combined together so violently, that her stomach became a tangle of knots.
Joshua frowned to her explanation and commented, “It must have been indigestion. The pizza made you ill?”
It must have been the crow I had to swallow after getting home, thought Marina to herself, but she didn’t say it to avoid more questions. She shrugged, as if she didn’t know what had left her like that.
Upon seeing her so downcast, Joshua dared to ask her in a playful tone, “In that case, do you mind if today I’m the one trying to cheer you up?”
Marina drafted a grin close to a smile. He had every reason in the world to be upset with her, yet there he was, joining her to go to school, as she had requested, and trying to make her smile. He was undoubtedly the right kind of guy for her. She should have decided to be with him: it was the most correct and it would have prevented much suffering to both. She went to him and gave him a short and sensitive hug, while saying, “Thanks for everything. And of course you can try to cheer me up.”
The embrace eventually cheered him up more than her.
All the way to school, Joshua narrated the rest of his night after Marina’s departure. The girl, however, heard almost nothing since she was so distracted.
When they arrived at the school, Marina gulped and tried to control the tremor in her legs. At any moment she could bump into Lucas. How to react when she met him? She had no strength to face right in the morning. Seeking for a temporary refuge, she coughed and asked, “Joshua, I still don’t feel very well. Would you mind if I lean a little more on you?”
“Sure, no problem.”
He raised his right arm and placed it on her shoulders, pulling her closer to him
. Marina thought it was very good to feel his warm body next to hers – he was the perfect support.
They entered the school lobby and found Ana waiting for them along with Dennis. Seeing them coming in together, Ana put on an expression of fun and asked them, kidding, “What did I miss last night? What’s the news?”
Joshua giggled at the effrontery of his ‘sister-in-law’. Reluctantly, he ended up explaining that Marina was sick, hence she was debilitated and in need of his help. Ana nodded. She believed Joshua, after all she only had to take a look at Marina to see that she wasn’t feeling well. The dinner’s pizza hadn’t harmed her, but Marina could have a sensitive stomach. Anyway, Ana wished the news was about something else instead, related to Marina and Joshua.
While the friends were talking, Lucas showed up, coming from the bar. Marina’s heart accelerated so much amid its splinters that she had to divert her sight and put a hand on her chest to order it to return to normal. The boy’s countenance got serious at the glimpse of Joshua’s arm around her shoulders. Maybe he had been hurt… Ashamed, Marina sank more into Joshua’s chest, hiding from Lucas.
When Lucas entered the hallway, Marina freed herself from the protection of Joshua’s arm, and said, “Guys, gotta go to the locker. Are you going to the classroom or are you going to wait here?”
“We’ll wait here. Do you need me to go with you?” offered Joshua.
“No, thank you. I’ll be right back.”
As she walked away, Marina released a sigh of relief. She hated to hide stuff from her friends, and trying to disguise what she had felt when she saw Lucas hadn’t been easy either. She had to remain as rational as possible, since the worst was still to come.
She opened the locker and removed the rucksack with the material for the morning subjects. She returned to her friends to go to the classroom; they found the teacher opening the door. Joshua was the first of the group to go in, followed by Marina and Ana. Lucas, who was already at his desk, stared at Marina with a harsh and severe air. Marina clenched her jaw and tried not to look at him.
The reaction of the two of them didn’t escape Ana. When she leaned back in her seat, she asked Marina, “But didn’t you and Lucas reach an understanding? I don’t get it.”
“What do you want me tell you? Things came to an end faster than they started,” replied Marina while making a Herculean effort to stay under control. She couldn’t dare lose the domain of herself in a classroom.
The next minute, volunteer students started to read the part of the ‘St. Anthony's Sermon to the Fishes’ that was their homework. Such reading made Marina’s eyelids grow heavy; the more she tried to concentrate, the more tired she became. She had spent the night in bed for nothing and now she was sleepy? How frustrating.
To hear the bell ringing was an amazing balm. The next lesson was in the same room, but Marina was so distraught that she took the backpack with her when she left. She and Ana went to the bar so that Ana could eat something; as for her, she still had no appetite and her stomach was so tight, that she thought it was best not to venture into what was lost from the start. Marina settled at a table and waited for her friend who, five minutes later, was sitting next to her enjoying a cake stuffed with egg jelly.
Noticing that she was still pale-faced, besides seeming that she was dying to sleep, Ana questioned, “Don’t you want a soda? It is good for your digestion. Or a cup of coffee, maybe. You look like you’ll fall asleep at any time. It works wonders for me! If you want, I can get you one.”
“Honestly, I think that whatever goes in my stomach will get out in no time. But you're right, I'm about to fall asleep. I'm going to the toilet to wet my face to wake up. See you in class, okay?”
Ana acquiesced while she took a bite of the cake.
Marina dragged herself down the corridor, her legs two heavy trunks. She was so tired that she would fall asleep for sure if she leaned against a wall. Finally she reached the girls’ bathroom. She headed to the sink, opened the tap and washed her face. The water was cold, but it wasn’t enough to wake her up. It was hopeless; she needed to rest. She locked herself in one of the toilet stalls, lowered the toilet lid and sat down. There were still a few minutes before the bell, so she could close her eyes, just a little bit, to shoo the sleep away. She supported her arms on her knees and laid her head on her arms. Less than thirty seconds later, she was sleeping deeply.
The school bell rang six times, but not even that made her move from her spot. Only the insistent sound of banging on the door caught her attention at long last.
“Come on, Marina, I know you're in there,” complained Ana. “I already peeked under the door and I recognized your boots. Come out of there!”
Marina stirred in an uncomfortable movement, sore from being in that position for so long. She unlocked the door, left the cubicle and walked to the sink to splash her face with water once more. She found Ana with her arms crossed, her foot tapped continuously on the scratched tiles on the floor, as she showed a severe air.
Marina rolled her eyes and mumbled, “OK, mommy, don’t stress! We’re going to class right away to put up with the Geography teacher and characterize cereal systems. It will be exciting. Yay!”
Ana made a sharp grimace of unpleasantness and pointed at her imagery wristwatch in a furious gesture.
Marina took the phone from her pocket to see the time and was startled. “Already?! I cannot believe I slept so long! I thought I had just shut my eyes for five minutes.”
“Yeah, but you missed Geography and History classes”, shouted Ana. “The teachers asked for you and I didn’t know what to tell them, after all we'd just been together. Do you have any idea of the scare you just gave me? Joshua and I searched the whole school for you.”
Stammering, Marina replied, “S-sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose. I was super tired, so I closed my eyes for a brief moment and ended up falling asleep.”
Ana shook her head from side to side. She snorted once again and left the bathroom followed by her friend, who was still rubbing her eyes. When they reached the lobby, they stopped next to Joshua, who also seemed quite worried. Seeing Marina, he took a deep breath of relief and welcomed her with open arms. He gave her a mighty hug, printing his body on hers until it hurt.
With the air running short after that squeeze, Marina said, “Whoa! Down, boy. I'm fine. In fact, I apologize to you both. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“Where did you find her?” he asked to Ana.
“In the ladies-room, where she had told me she was going two hours ago. Can you believe that she was having a nap there?” Ana proclaimed, as if the idea was the last to cross her mind.
Hey! I’m right here, Marina grumbled inside. What did they expect? Her eyelids hadn’t shut all night, and hearing the sermon in the Portuguese lesson made her even sleepier. However, and by contrast, she felt really awake now, as the crucial moment of the day was approaching.
The crystalline sound of Joshua laughing made her come back to reality. She paid a little more attention and heard him saying, “I mean, we were both so worried about you and, after all, you were in the toilet snoozing?”
Marina shrugged. If a few days ago someone had told her that she would have a siesta in the school bathroom, she would have called that person crazy. In fact, if someone had told her that a colleague had done it, she would have said that that person should have stayed at home. Nevertheless, that wasn’t an option: there were things to do and she couldn’t afford to postpone them.
Thrusting her thumbs into her trouser pockets, Marina said, “You know what? That little nap worked like magic. I’m not sleepy now, nor feel my stomach spinning. I'm even hungry, so I'll have lunch. And you, Ana, are you going to meet Dennis?”
Both Ana and Joshua wrinkled their noses. They were happy that she was feeling better, but they thought that she shouldn’t be alone. What if she became sick again, who would help her?
Ana shook her head and affirmed, “No, ma'am. I'm staying here with
you.”
“No, you won’t. You don’t even have a ticket for lunch. Go eat in peace, and I promise that when you come back, I'll be sitting out there, on our bench. Seriously, sleeping was the best thing I did. It cured all ills.”
Not all actually, but one of them had faded. She wished that sleeping was the best remedy for everything… It would be excellent if the bad things that she had found out were nothing but a nightmare from which she could wake up.
Joshua decided to intervene and to establish a meeting point for the interests of them all. “How about this: Ana has lunch with my brother. And you, Marina, go to the canteen. I'll have lunch at home, but I’ll come back earlier and we'll meet at the bench outside. Everyone's happy that way, right?”
Ana pretended to be annoyed, though the proposal was tempting. She could have lunch with her boyfriend with no stress, once she knew that Joshua would fulfill his promise and wouldn’t take long at home. As for Joshua’s hypothesis of coming back sooner, it didn’t please Marina. She had no idea how long her conversation would take with Lucas, which meant that, as soon as both her friends left the campus, she had to rush.
“Okay. It's fine with me,” Ana said at last.
“It’s a deal then,” announced Joshua, smiling. “See you later, Marina?”
Although a little grumpy, Marina made an effort to behave and answered, “Yeah. Go now, because I want to go eat too.”
Joshua withdrew his arm from her waist and headed to the exit with Ana. Once alone, Marina went to her locker, where she gathered her lunch ticket and her cell phone. Despite being hesitant about doing it, she ended up picking up the notebook with her last night theories and took it with her.
The path to the back of the canteen revealed itself too painful, especially when the day before it had been the trail to her happiness. She had spent the whole night thinking her speech, but still she didn’t know what to tell Lucas. Perhaps her notes could help her.
When she got to her destination, she saw him. Lucas walked nervously from side to side. Would he be worried about her disappearing or would he be uneasy by knowing that she had discovered who he was? Gosh! She wanted so bad to go to him, hug him, tell him that she didn’t mind that he's a demon, and that they could still stay together. However, she couldn’t do it: he had deliberately deceived her and even when she had given him the opportunity to talk about himself, he had preferred to hide everything. She stepped into his shoes for a split second: if it was her, probably she wouldn’t tell him anything either, in fear of his reaction. Stop making excuses. You have to get away from him now, she scolded to herself.
As if sensing her presence, Lucas turned in her direction and relaxed temporarily. Marina halted in place and saw him draw a warm smile as he began to run towards her. Resolute, she signaled him to stop where he was. He obeyed and assumed a tougher stance, not understanding what was happening.
Trying to control the shaking that wanted to seize her voice, she asked him, “Stay where you are. I’ll come to you.”
Lucas gulped and began to recede little by little to the last pole of the roof that covered the back of the building.
Marina shut her eyes for an instant, seeking to reunite the last shreds of courage within her. When she turned to open them, she went up to him with no rush. She stopped by the first pole, as she feared that, if she got any closer, she would feel too tempted to go back on her decision.
Both remained silent for a while, till Lucas questioned, “Are you okay? You vanished, just like that. I was worried about you.”
Marina got irritated. What did it matter that she had fallen asleep in the WC, when there was so much at stake to discuss? She breathed deeply to assume a cold posture and tighten her grip on the notebook in her hand. In a low voice, she responded, “I'm fine. I just had a little nap and ended up missing classes. It’s just, you know, yesterday I couldn’t sleep after receiving the upsetting birthday gift that Barbatos gave me.”
Lucas frowned. He remembered her mentioning in her text that the demon had visited her. He had inferred that everything was well, and she herself had confirmed so. In a serious tone, he said, “According to what you wrote, he only bugged you with the usual talk about missions, deadlines and having to pay for it.”
Unexpectedly, Marina laughed, while she looked to the sky, incredulous. Could it be possible that he didn’t understand what was going on? Nervous, she retorted, “Yes, basically that's what happened. But the most interesting, and what really annoyed me, was the fact that he called me dumb with the utmost audacity.”
“You are not dumb,” assured Lucas.
“I also don’t think I’m stupid. I was just blinded by passion, which is understandable.”
Marina shook when pronouncing those words. ‘Blinded by passion?’ She was admitting that she loved him. She could not do it when her goal was precisely the opposite. She had to speak with her mind and not her heart, since both diverged and walked in opposite directions.
The girl inspired with impatience, exhaled slowly. She flipped open her diary and focused on it. “After sending you the text, I decided to prove Barbatos that I’m not stupid. I did some research on the Internet and guess what: I know he’s a Duke of Hell, who has thirty legions led by four kings. Along with two other demons, he’s one of the ‘thugs’ of the big boss Astaroth, who responds directly to Lucifer himself. Wow, huh? He’s no haunting, but a demon, and one quite powerful.”
Lucas stiffened when he heard that. A flash of constriction mirrored in his eyes. If, on one hand, he was proud of what she had done, even because he’d like her to know what they were dealing with, on the other, he’d prefer her to stay in ignorance and continue with her simple life. However, he was fully aware that she could never have a normal life if he stuck around.
He merely muttered, “I never said that he was a haunting.”
The fury Marina had endeavored to try to slumber began to simmer within, prompting her to walk from one side to another, as she spoke as if she was wandering. “Yeah, I said it myself in my ignorance. But you know what made me feel a major sucker? Not seeing what was before my eyes and to completely ignore the words I was told.”
“I don’t understand...” whispered Lucas.
“No? Let’s put two and two together then. When I asked you what you were, you answered me with exactly the same words with which Barbatos classified you twice.” Marina pinned her accusing eyes on the page where she had transcribed the definition copied from the Internet, swallowed hard and read, “Lost Ones: ex-mortals transformed by Perdition, i.e., the one who goes to Hell gradually loses humanity and what remains of good in him, eventually becoming a demon.”
While listening to her, Lucas sank violently against the wall and slipped down along it until reaching the cement floor. His eyes were bulging and his mouth opened in amazement.
Marina ignored him and moved to him as she increased the intensity of her reading. When she finished, she laughed. She decided not to disarm and expose everything at once, “This was the Internet definition, but I decided to check it out, and just listen to what conclusions I came to. Point one: you told me that you were as malevolent as a demon, when you're a Lost One, meaning a fiend. Point two: you faltered when I asked if you were a fallen angel, after all you must know quite well the most famous of all, taking into account that you come from Hell, huh? Also, coming from Hell explains your scars. Another point is related to the fact that you’re always cold. How could you be warm if you're dead? Should I continue? It’s better to stop here, since it's more than proved that the enunciation is correct.”
The last part of the speech made her wince. If he was dead, she had lost him at the very beginning. The death symbolized the end of life; what future could she have with someone who already didn’t have one? She tore the sheets that contained her theories - they weren’t necessary any longer; she had discovered who Lucas was.
Marina went closer to Lucas and knelt beside him. She wasn’t afraid. He was a fiend
, but she had no doubt that he would never hurt her at a physical level; psychologically, the damage was irreversible and therefore it didn’t count – he couldn’t hurt her more than he already did. Lucas kept his head down, hiding his face. Marina wondered if he would be ashamed of being who he was, or if he didn’t want to face her after she had discovered all that. She put her hand to his chin and lifted his face to stare into his eyes. To her surprise, Lucas was crying. Did a demon cry? It made no sense... She hastened to remove her hand and to focus instead on the sheets that she had plucked. She couldn't stand to see him like that. Her heart seemed to fragment even more for feeling that she was hurting him, but there was no turning back.
Defeated, Lucas murmured, “I told you I was a Lost One.”
Marina stood up suddenly, as if she had been piqued with that sentence, and exploded, “Yes, Lucas, you told me. And when you saw that I missed the words due meaning, you didn’t correct me. Indeed, how could you expect me to know what a Lost One was? There’s virtually no information about it and I'm not an encyclopedia. Don’t you get it, Lucas?” She pinched the bridge of her nose, fatigued. She let out a sharp sigh, crouched beside him again and explained, “It wasn’t the notion of who you are that pushed us apart, but the fact that you have hidden it intentionally. I feel deceived and, mainly, disappointed.”
Lucas leaned with his head to his knees, while he entwined his fingers around his head, in a sign of desperation. He simply adored her and didn’t want to lose her. Still, he knew that he had already lost her. Maybe it would be better that way. Who knew if, they stayed away from each other, Barbatos would give up the fateful plans he had for her? No. He was at his service for too long to know that his master would never back down in his decision. She might want him away from her, but he couldn’t do it, because she needed his protection. The bracelet she wore was nothing to Barbatos. It could protect her from an inferior demon with clear intention of harming her physically, but never from him - his powers were much stronger than that.
In a whisper, he said, “Okay, we can do things as you wish. I’ll distance myself from you, but Barbatos…”
Lucas hadn’t the time to finish the sentence. Marina got up hasty and angrily. He wanted to talk about Barbatos? They were talking about them, which meant much more to her. Couldn’t he understand it? Marina flattened the sheets that she had torn and said in an ironic stab, “Barbatos? Let him and his legions come! It doesn’t matter. If what he wants is to kill me, he doesn’t need to bother, because you have already done it. You pulled out my heart from my chest, while it beat for you, Lucas. You...? You killed me.” She threw him the squashed sheets and walked out of there, before she began to cry too.
The accusation had the desired effect: Lucas remained in the same place, unable to move, trapped in an invisible cage. Why follow her when she had said so explicitly that she didn’t want him around? They were done... things between them had come to an end.