by Helena Halme
Patrick turns around and gives a nod to Frida, who smiles briefly then looks at her screen. Gazing back at Alicia with those flirty eyes of his, Patrick says, 'Mia is taking the girls shopping in Stockholm. I thought I might talk to you about the article we're working on?'
Alicia is fighting a smile forming on her lips, but failing.
'But if you can't meet up, I'll walk you out and tell you my theory?' Patrick says. He moves to touch her elbow, but she is quicker and pulls her arm away.
She nods and says, 'OK'. She can hardly say no to a suggestion like that in front of Frida, and he knows it.
'See you Monday,' Alicia says to the intern as she begins to walk toward the door. She can feel Patrick's body behind her, too close. As soon as they're in the stairwell and the door has closed, he takes hold of Alicia's arm and turns her around to face him. 'You're driving me crazy. I need to see you!'
'Not here,' Alicia hisses and glances up the staircase. The space is open to all the offices in the building and Birgit—or anyone—could at any moment step out and see them. When her eyes return to Patrick, she can see his face is full of emotion. His grip on her arm is strong.
'You're hurting me,' Alicia says in a low voice.
Patrick lets go, dropping his arm to the side of his body. Alicia sees now that he is unshaven, and that his clothes are crumpled.
'What happened to you?'
'I need to see you.'
Alicia sighs. 'OK, I'll tell my mother I need to work late.'
A smile forms on Patrick's lips.
'Just for a talk,' Alicia says pointedly and Patrick nods.
'And we go our separate ways. Where shall we meet?'
'I know a place,' Patrick says and begins to tap on his phone.
* * *
Alicia goes back inside the newspaper office and tells Frida she's forgotten something. She doesn't want the girl to think that she left with Patrick. She taps a message on her phone, and makes a show of looking for something in her desk drawers. When her mother replies to say she is in the car waiting for her, Alicia assures Hilda that she will make her own way to Sjoland later. She picks up her bags again and goes out via the ladies. She gives herself a wash, just in case, using the shower placed for just that purpose next to the loo. She isn't sure what Patrick is going to say to her, but she thinks it will be good to get things out in the open. Perhaps he isn't playing games after all?
Who am I kidding?
She will be strong and not jump into bed with him. She thinks about the message she's received from Liam where he says he's sorry and that he's finished with Ewa. She hasn't replied. She is so confused. Why has Liam suddenly changed his mind? He has been pleading with her to talk to him, but she is still too angry to do that. Besides, she now feels guilty for sleeping with Patrick, although when she did, she thought her marriage was over.
What a mess.
Trying to think about something else, she remembers her promise to look over her mother’s new plans for the garden in Sjoland. Secretly, she is glad she doesn't have to spend another Friday night listening to Uffe and her mother squabbling. Hilda is never satisfied with what Uffe does in the house, or the yard. He hasn't watered the flower beds, or the hanging baskets enough, or he's given them too much water. Or the gravel paths that crisscross the yard between the barns and the main house are, in Hilda's view, neglected and full of weeds. Each time Uffe sits down on the small bench he's placed under the oak tree, Hilda will find him something that needs fixing immediately. Uffe doesn't often complain, but occasionally he will mutter something under his breath, and a small quarrel will ignite between the couple.
Their harmless altercations, which she and Liam once thought endearing, are now beginning to get on Alicia's nerves. Besides, she suspects there's more to it than she's previously imagined. She is afraid they have serious problems with money, and that what her mother told her on Midsummer Day is not an exaggeration. Her stepfather looked more and more morose when he talked to Alicia about the future of the farm, and having seen the accounts in Hilda's shop, Alicia can only conclude that Uffe is pouring cash into the venture to keep her mother happy. She wonders if she should be brave and talk to her mother about it. It isn't right that Hilda is putting the future of the farm in danger.
Looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, Alicia sighs. Who is she to lecture anyone about morality? She's been with a man, a father of two little daughters. And she is breaking her own marriage vows. Not that they matter anymore. Liam broke them first, and now he is full of remorse.
He's too late.
Alicia looks at her phone and sees that Liam sent another message last night. He asks when they can talk (again) but she doesn’t intend to reply. Why should she talk to him? Alicia glances at her watch. It's just past 5pm on a Friday night, or 7pm in the UK. Whatever he says, she bets her husband is in that Polish nurse's arms right now.
She takes her red lipstick out of her purse and applies a liberal amount to her lips. She tidies her eye make-up and wishes she'd taken mascara and eyeshadow with her to work. Still, she doesn't look bad. The daily swimming and sunbathing have given her skin a healthy glow. Her Swedish Hasbeens clogs make her legs look shapely and she is pleased with the general effect she sees in the mirror. She will not go to bed with Patrick, or not again, but at least she looks presentable. Perhaps she should lighten up a little? It is summer, the sky is clear and the sun is still high in the sky, it's warm, she's back home in Åland, doing a job she loves, and it's Friday night.
Thirty-Four
As Alicia walks onto the street, she gets a message from Patrick.
'We can talk in peace here.'
The address attached is on the western side of town, a bit too far for Alicia to walk so she decides to take a cab. She picks one up from a rank on Norra Esplanaden and steps inside a large Mercedes car. Luckily the driver doesn't say a word during the ten-minute ride.
She cannot help but smile when she sees the new blocks of apartments right by the sea. This area used to be a fishing harbor and she remembers coming here with Stefan to look at the boats and buy fish for supper. Now all that remains are a few red and white huts and a stone jetty to one side of the new development, with a new wooden wharf further along the shore full of expensive-looking yachts. It's still sunny, but the wind has got up and she can see the boats bobbing up and down and the surf rising on the sea.
The block of apartments has around ten floors, making it unusually high-rise for Åland. The façade is covered in balconies, with some facing the sea, the sun glinting off the smoked glass; many have smart wicker furniture. The buildings must be brand-new, she thinks, for there are some building materials under a tarpaulin to the side. She finds the correct block—the nearest one to the sea—and when she enters the number Patrick gave her on the intercom, she hears his voice. He tells her to step inside the elevator but not to touch any of the buttons, and then buzzes her in. When the doors close, the lift begins to move, as if of its own accord. Alicia follows the light that indicates the different floors and when she's at number ten, the doors open straight into a vast penthouse apartment with floor-length windows affording a full vista of the open sea. Involuntarily, Alicia gasps at the view. She is speechless when she steps onto the light parquet flooring.
'Please come in,' Patrick says and she takes a step further inside, dropping her bags on one of two low-slung sofas that face each other. The apartment is furnished tastefully and very understatedly in pale gray and white. A white rug echoes the white of the kitchen units and there’s a long table with leather-backed chairs arranged at one end of the huge room. A vast painting of a seascape in grays and blues covers one wall while a balcony, enclosed by sliding glass doors, wraps around one corner of the flat. She recognizes the style from the Eriksson's summer place. Is this Mia and Patrick's apartment? Surely he wouldn't invite her to their home—or one of their homes?
'Come and have a look at the view,' Patrick says, stretching his hand toward Alicia, beckoning he
r. He opens the sliding balcony doors and indicates for Alicia to step in.
There are no other buildings or blocks of apartments between them and the sea. The ones in view to the right are well below them. Alicia thinks this building must be on a higher elevation, somehow. Or it has an extra floor, not visible from below. She looks at the old red fishing cottages, which seem minute from this far up, like pieces of Lego. Further on, at sea, a yacht is making its way toward the shipping lane, with its sails taut against the wind, the hull creating a V-shaped wash behind it. Alicia is amazed how fast it's moving. To the right there's the new jetty, where the few boats gently rock in the water, and further on the ferry port. One white ship, and a smaller red ferry are moored at the harbor, and unconsciously she checks her watch. It's half past five. One of the two large ferries from Finland and Sweden that dock in Mariehamn twice a day is due in soon. They sail right past this balcony, Alicia thinks. She looks around and sees a basket full of girly toys in the corner of the space. A chill runs through her body and she shivers. She turns around to look at Patrick.
'Is this where you live?' she asks.
Without smiling, Patrick nods.
Alicia, who has been leaning on the balcony railing, moves away from the edge. She doesn't want to touch anything here.
This is Patrick and Mia's family home.
'It was lovely for you to show me where you live, but I'm afraid I have to go now,' Alicia says, stepping out of the balcony. She goes to pick up her bag, but Patrick is beside her, grabbing her arm.
'Don't go, please.'
Alicia is seething. 'You are something, aren't you? Do you have any morals at all? Or is this what the rich boys in Åland do? Take other women to their marital home? How dare you!'
But when Patrick pulls her into his arms and kisses her, Alicia can't resist him. They tumble onto the sofa and continue kissing. It isn’t until Patrick puts his hand inside her skirt that she suddenly comes to her senses.
'No,' Alicia manages to say, and as abruptly as they started to make love, they both stop. Panting, Patrick gets up and goes to the open-plan kitchen. Alicia grabs the side of the sofa, gets herself up and, smoothing down her skirt, sits down. She watches Patrick, whose shoulders are moving up and down. His head is bent, as he leans onto the immaculately tidy kitchen counter.
'I'm making coffee, do you want some?' he asks after a short while. He sounds out of breath.
When he doesn't get an answer, he turns around and goes over to where Alicia is sitting. She is fighting tears; how did she get herself into this mess? Faced with Patrick's family situation, she can't continue with the affair. She just can't take a father away from his two little girls.
Patrick is now kneeling down in front of Alicia. He gives her a tissue and puts his hands on Alicia's knees, then seeing her expression removes them. 'Please don't cry,' he says, letting his hands rest between his legs.
'I can't do this,' Alicia sobs. 'You are married. With children.'
Patrick looks at her, his blue eyes sad. He gets up with a sigh and comes and sits next to her on the sofa. 'I don't know what to say. You know we're not happy. Mia ...'
'Stop!' Alicia shouts. 'I don't want to hear any excuses!'
'OK, let's not talk about her. But I have to tell you I've never felt like this before. You ... you make me crazy. I can't stop thinking about you. I need you.'
Alicia realizes these are the words she wanted to hear after they made love on his boat. Why didn't he tell her this before? Why had he let her believe this was just a summer fling? All the way back on the boat, Patrick must have noticed how quiet and upset she was. If he really cared, surely he would have said something then?
She turns her head and lifts her eyes up to Patrick. With the sun suddenly pouring in through the windows, she sees there are dark circles around his eyes. He's wearing his customary white shirt and jeans, and looks tanned, but dishevelled. His blue eyes are as piercing as ever, and his lips, drawn in a straight line, give way to lines around his mouth. Alicia has an overwhelming desire to kiss those lips. She places a hand on Patrick's cheek. 'I need you too.'
Seconds after she's uttered the words, Patrick's mouth is on hers. He lifts her up to sit astride him and presses his body against hers, so she can feel his erection through the jeans. She pulls herself away, but Patrick is holding tightly to her. And it feels good, so very good.
Why should she be responsible for his family?
But an image of Liam and Stefan, when their son was about the same age as Patrick's girls, eleven, comes to her mind. They are messing about in the water by the sauna cottage. Alicia remembers that Uffe had cleared the reeds from the jetty, so that Alicia could see them from the veranda. She had some kind of deadline to meet for the FT, and had her laptop on the small table in front of her. But she wanted to join her boys in the water and couldn’t concentrate.
Alicia puts her hands on Patrick's shoulders and firmly pushes herself away from him.
'I can't do this—not here,' she says, panting.
She clambers off Patrick and stands up, smoothing down her skirt again, and buttons up her blouse. Before he has time to react, she grabs her shoes and bag and goes to the elevator. Luckily, it's still on the top floor, and Alicia, now panicking, wanting to get away from this place, steps inside.
Thirty-Five
Alicia walks for what seems like ages to reach a taxi rank. Her feet are aching, and her bag suddenly seems much heavier than it was this morning. Tears are running down her face, but she doesn't know what she's crying about: Stefan, or her futile desire to have another child, or the now certain break-up of her own marriage, or the disastrous affair she's embarked on with Patrick.
She feels so stupid. How did she think that sleeping with someone else, someone who is also married, would make her grief for Stefan, her desire for a baby, or Liam's affair, any better? But she has decided now. No more Patrick, no more sneaking around the islands to meet up. No more telling lies to people like Hilda or Uffe, no more feeling guilty about breaking up a family. She feels awful about what they have already done, but she has to trust Patrick not to breathe a word to Mia and to start repairing his marriage.
Just as she sees a taxi waiting at the rank on Norra Esplanaden, her phone pings. Automatically, she reaches for the mobile in her handbag, but when she sees who it's from she hesitates. But there's a sentence on her screen that she cannot ignore.
Mia and I are separating. She's leaving me.
* * *
Half an hour later, Patrick and Alicia are sitting at the kitchen table, facing each other.
'Thank you for coming back,' Patrick says. His hands are resting on the table, his fingers laced together. Alicia remembers how those long, thin fingers were all over her body moments earlier. He lifts his eyes to Alicia’s.
'This is what I wanted to talk to you about.'
Alicia nods. After she read the text, she replied to say how sorry she was. Patrick telephoned her and offered to pick her up from wherever she was. Alicia agreed. She decided she would not go to bed with him, if this was a trick, but she didn't believe it was. He sounded sad, and sincere, on the phone, and thinking back, the news explained a lot of his earlier behavior. The bitterness toward his in-laws at the Midsummer party; his apparent lack of concern about being seen with Alicia; the hesitation on the boat when she made a stupid joke about living on the boat.
Alicia hadn't been in Patrick's car before, but it was no surprise to her that he drove a brand-new black Mercedes soft top with cream leather upholstery.
How is he going to survive without Mia's—or, rather, her father's—money?
'Nobody knows about this. So, I'd appreciate it if you didn't ...'
'Of course not!' Alicia exclaims. She touches Patrick's hands, squeezing his knuckles.
'We want to spend the summer with the girls as normal. Mia is going to move here, her father has a job for her in Mariehamn.'
Alicia watches Patrick's face as he speaks. His eyes are as blue a
s ever, but there are lines around them and a strain around the corners of his mouth. She now realizes the hurt, pained expression that she sees on him has attracted her. It mirrors her own, she's certain of it.
Patrick's eyes fall down to his hands. He opens his palms and squeezes Alicia's fingers between his own.
'I am considering what to do. I'd like to be close to the girls, so ... perhaps go freelance.'
Again, Alicia wonders what he will do for money. Surely a freelance journalist was just as poorly paid here as in the UK? She guesses he didn't have to worry about maintenance payments.
'We're still working out the details but I'll have this flat, car and the boat. Mia never goes onboard anyway and she spends most of her time in the summer place. Plus they've got other blocks of apartments to choose from closer to the center, where I'm certain Her Ladyship would rather be.'
The bitterness of Patrick's last sentence takes Alicia by surprise. As he utters the word 'Ladyship' his face contorts and shows the anger he obviously feels.
Was she unfaithful? Does he still love her?
'I don't want to pry, but what happened?' Alicia asks carefully. She squeezes Patrick's hand in a show of encouragement and support.
Patrick sighs and removes his hand from Alicia's. He straightens his back and without looking at her says, 'I'm a disappointment, apparently.'
She hears that hostility in the tone of his voice again.
Alicia waits. She tries to control her own feelings. She realizes that he slept with her to punish Mia; it was an act of revenge. She wants to ask whether Mia has slept with someone, and whether he still loves her. But to ask these kinds of questions would show how much she, Alicia, was investing—had already invested—in the relationship. It's clear to her now, clearer than it has been for all of the short time they've known each other, that for him this is about something else. It's about his own marriage, and it is certainly not about Alicia. She could be anybody. Yet Alicia tries to suppress the jealousy and anger that begins to bubble inside her. Besides, isn't she also taking her own frustrations with Liam out in this relationship?