by Helena Halme
'We were desperate to see each other again, I was able to come over to England last year, and we spent the rest of the summer together.'
Alicia is fighting tears, because she recognizes her son, her gentle, loving son. But also because she wishes Stefan had been able to confide in her and bring Frida home to meet her and Liam. Frida's eyes shine as she tells them how, once she returned home, Stefan messaged her several times a day and how they talked every night.
'He wouldn't let me go to sleep until I told him I loved him,' Frida says, and tears begin to run down her face. 'I miss him so much.'
Alicia puts her arms around Frida and wipes her make-up smeared cheeks with a tissue. The girl's body is at last non-resistant in her embrace and her shoulders have lost their stiffness.
Liam is staring at Frida, not saying a word, and Hilda is looking down at her hands.
'Well, this is wonderful news,' Hilda says suddenly, in Swedish, and everyone around the table turns to look at the older woman. Alicia notices that her mother's eyes are dampened by tears, but she is smiling. 'We will have something of Stefan in our lives again.'
Even though Liam doesn't understand Swedish, Alicia can see he gets what Hilda is saying. That her mother has accepted the news and believes Frida's side of the story.
Suddenly everyone's faces brighten up with smiles; even Liam's has a wide grin. That's when the door to the kitchen opens and Patrick walks in.
* * *
'Well, isn't this cozy,' Patrick says. 'A family reunion, is it?'
Alicia is surprised at the sarcasm in his voice. He's speaking in English, with a very Swedish accent. She can feel her face getting hot with embarrassment. Her mother doesn't know anything about her affair with Patrick, and neither does Frida. The last thing she wants is for this delicate relationship between her and the mother of her grandson to be pushed off balance so quickly.
Alicia gets up and faces Patrick. With her back to everyone, she searches Patrick's eyes and in a low voice in Swedish says, 'Can I talk with you outside?'
'Sure, wouldn't want to disturb this little gathering,' Patrick replies, his eyes dark with anger. Alicia takes the few steps past him and opens the door, but Patrick isn't moving.
'So, Liam, all onboard with the baby now, are we?' He's still facing the room, rather than Alicia, who says, quietly, 'Patrick.'
Hilda's eyes dart from Alicia to Patrick and Alicia sees she's putting one and one together. Damn, you, Patrick!
Alicia glances at Frida, but the girl is still wiping her eyes, and hasn't noticed the changed atmosphere in the room. Now Liam, too, gets up and says, 'I should be going. Let you get back to work. He places a hand over Frida's elbow and says, 'Are you going to be OK?'
Frida nods and they exchange smiles.
Liam turns to Hilda, who's still staring at Alicia and Patrick in turn. 'Shall we?'
'Oh, yes,' Hilda says and she too gets up.
After Liam and Hilda have left the room, Alicia repeats Patrick's name once more, and finally the man turns around and follows Alicia out of the kitchen.
'Frida, take a minute, OK?' Alicia says as she closes the door behind her.
'I'll see you later at home,' she says to her mother and hugs her.
Liam faces Alicia and, taking her hand, says, 'We need to talk.'
Alicia nods. She's aware of Patrick's eyes boring into her.
'See you at the hotel later?'
'I don't know ...' Alicia says.
Liam gives Alicia a hug, which she responds to, holding onto her husband for a moment longer than she intended. She can see Patrick over Liam's shoulder and closes her eyes. She doesn't want to see his expression.
'I'll be waiting,' Liam says, and taking Hilda's arm, he leaves the newspaper office.
Patrick and Alicia are standing alone in the middle of the open-plan office.
'Alicia, where are my words?' Harri shouts through the open door to his glass office.
'Nearly there,' Alicia shouts back and she looks up to Patrick. His blue eyes are fixed on hers and she has to swallow in order to speak.
'It's all got very complicated,' she says.
'Has it?' Patrick says. His voice is gentle now. He lifts his hand as if to touch Alicia's cheek, but notices Harri is staring at them, so drops his hand. 'It doesn't need to be.'
'No?' Alicia says. Her heart is racing, beating so hard against her summer dress that she has difficulty breathing.
But this is wrong.
Patrick shakes his head and lifts one side of his mouth. 'Meet me later on the boat. When you finish here.'
Alicia doesn't reply. She glances at the door to the kitchen. If Frida comes out now, she will see them together and guess what Hilda has already worked out.
'Is this an editorial meeting?' Harry is suddenly standing next to them.
'Sort of,' Patrick replies. 'But it's finished now.' He nods to Alicia and turns. She watches his long, lean body disappear out of the door and down the staircase. Just before he is out of sight, he turns and smiles at Alicia.
Fifty-Seven
Alicia just makes the deadline for her story about Daniel's accident, which gets her a 'Well done,' from Harri. As she's about to leave his office, he asks her to sit down.
'I don't wish to interfere in your affairs, and I know you're a big girl, but take it from someone who knows. The Erikssons are a powerful family in this town.'
Alicia shifts in her seat and looks straight at Harri. 'I know that.'
'And you know Patrick is on his way out of that family. He will be what some might call “a persona non-grata” soon?'
Stunned by these words, Alicia stares at the editor. How does he know about Patrick's impending divorce?
Harri gives a short chuckle at Alicia's expression. 'Oh, my dear, I know everything that goes on around here. Plus Kurt is a good friend of mine, as well as the owner of this paper. So, if you want to be part of this little set up here, I'd keep my nose clean vis à vis the Erikssons. Kurt and his lovely daughter in particular.'
* * *
For the second time in two days, Patrick is standing on the jetty, waiting for Alicia. It's a pleasant afternoon, with very little wind, and just a few persistent clouds. The harbor is busy, with boats arriving in batches as they're let through the Sjoland canal. It's the height of the tourist season and Patrick smiles as he watches families, mainly Finnish, emerge from their boats, windswept and tanned. Some men are sporting jaunty navy caps, with bright shorts and worn-out Docker shoes.
Patrick thinks back to when he bought the boat (OK, when Mia bought the boat for him) and his plans for trips out to the archipelago with Mia and the girls. Foolishly, he thought he could cure Mia of her dislike of boating; the woman was born on the islands, for goodness sake. He envisaged all of them taking a long trip past the outer islands like Kumlinge and Brändö all the way to Kustavi, and even perhaps visiting Turku before turning back. They would dock at all the harbors on the way, overnighting onboard but eating in the marina restaurants. What could be better? Instead, Mia had refused to step onboard Mirabella, calling it his 'toy'. Their mother's reluctance had led the girls to reject the idea too, so Patrick had been left to take a few day trips here and there on his own.
As Patrick watches a slim, attractive woman competently deal with the rigging of one of the larger sailing boats that has just arrived in the harbor, exchanging shouted instructions with a man at the tiller, his thoughts turn back to Alicia.
As soon as he stood close to her in the newspaper office, he regretted his earlier sarcasm in the kitchen. But walking into that happy family scene made his temper flare. How could she want to be back with Liam now? What had changed? Frida's baby? Surely that is not enough to wipe out past hurts? Patrick needs to see her to convince her that she has already moved on from her husband, that he is no good, that he has been unfaithful to her. That he has betrayed her just like Mia has betrayed him.
Patrick has read Alicia’s article on the Romanian boy's death online o
n his phone, so he knows her work is done. She should be emerging from the newspaper office at any moment. He wants to go and stand outside the office, to catch Alicia as she comes out but he can't bring himself to appear that desperate. He's certain she will turn up to see him this time. The way she looked at him, with her eyes soft and loving, she definitely still feels something for him.
Alicia wants him, there's no doubt about it. But would the pull of a safe future with Liam, now they are both going to be grandparents, be enough to make her go back to him? The way the two of them looked the previous night was as though they had never been apart. But appearances can be misleading, as Patrick knows all too well. He's been keeping up appearances with Mia for twelve months now, and as far as he knows no one apart from Mia's parents, Mia and the lawyers are aware of their marital problems even now.
Patrick imagines how wonderful it will be to spend the rest of the summer with Alicia. He will look after her. After he left Alicia, he went over to the ALKO store and bought a bottle of pink champagne to celebrate the news of the baby again. He hopes the baby is what they were all discussing in the Ålandsbladet kitchen, and not Liam's return to the marital bed. Patrick pulls out his phone and begins tapping on it.
* * *
Alicia sits at her desk and stares at the article she has just posted online. It has a catchy title, it's well-written, and with just a few edits by Harri, most of her own work. She sees that the post has already received ten shares after just a few minutes. She has a sense of achievement that she hasn’t really experienced since Stefan’s death. She had more or less given up chasing commissions from The Financial Times. She's forgotten how good it feels to have something you have created read by others.
Alicia moves the mouse and closes the window and the computer. A black screen is facing her when her phone pings.
Are you coming over?
Alicia sighs and gets up. She waves to Harri, who's still sitting at his desk, staring at his screen. The man doesn't see her, so Alicia pops her head around his doorway and says goodbye.
'Good work,' he says and adds, 'And remember what I said. Don't want to lose you.'
Sounds very much like a threat, Alicia wants to reply. Instead, she just nods, 'Yes, thank you. See you tomorrow.'
She walks past Frida's desk, which is empty. Alicia heard Frida tell Harri she wasn't feeling very well soon after their talk in the kitchen. When Alicia asked her if she was OK Frida smiled and said, 'Don't worry. I'm just taking care of myself.' She had her hand over her tummy and Alicia hugged her.
'Let me know if you need anything,' she said, to which Frida smiled and nodded.
Alicia walks slowly down the stairs and opens the glass-paneled door onto the street. She crosses the little garden and makes her way down toward the sea. The sun emerges from a thin white cloud, and the steel riggings and white hulls of boats in the harbor in front of her gleam in the bright sunshine.
Alicia doesn't know what to do.
If she turns left and walks along Strandvägen toward the entrance to Arkipelag, she is sure she is going to find Liam, and possibly Hilda, there. She will be welcomed into the old, safe family life that she knows. Although changed by the tragic loss of their son, there is hope that they can begin to support each other and accept life without Stefan, while they wait for the wonder of an unexpected grandchild. But has Liam really changed? And is the affair really over? And what about Patrick?
All she has to do is turn right, skirt the parking lot, and she will come to the harbor and Patrick, who is waiting to speak to her. But will he just want to speak? Can Alicia trust herself to tell Patrick face-to-face it's over? Does she want it to be over with him? If she goes to Patrick now, she will have to tell Liam. She doesn't want to see the same pain on his face that she witnessed when she opened the door of the sauna cottage to him. She wants to forget the way he looked, pale and drawn, like he had seen a ghost. Even though she was angry with him, she hated seeing him hurt. The more she thinks back to that night, the more shame she feels. The guilt about what she has been doing is suddenly so raw and real that she has to catch her breath.
She taps a message, 'Sorry,' on her phone and presses send.
She begins to walk, quickly placing one foot in front of another. She has made her decision, she doesn't want to linger and change her mind now.
Fifty-Eight
After leaving the newspaper office, Liam managed to convince Hilda that she should go back to her shop. He and Alicia would talk soon, he said. They were standing in the middle of the busy Torggatan, having walked in silence through the Sitkoff shopping center.
'You go to her, yes?' Hilda had made him promise. He had taken hold of her arms and given her a reassuring squeeze. He then watched her walk over the road and enter her shop.
Now he is sitting in the outdoor café of the hotel, watching children messing around in the pool. Opposite him is the East Harbor, with its large yachts and the von Knorring steamer in the distance. He is keeping an eye on the road leading from Alicia's office, but he is glad that the Club Marin obstructs his view of the part of the jetty where Patrick's boat is moored. He wouldn't be able to stomach seeing Patrick with Alicia. Not again.
What if Alicia doesn't appear?
Liam is on his second beer when at last he sees his wife's blond hair appear on the pedestrian walkway between the hotel and the harbor. He holds his breath as he sees her walk determinedly, without smiling — such a Scandinavian trait of hers — toward the Hotel Arkipelag. He sighs with relief.
* * *
The first thing Liam asks her is if she's OK.
'I'm fine,' Alicia says and smiles. Now she's made her decision, the relief is palpable.
Liam reaches out and places his hand over hers on the table. 'That's good,' he says and returns her smile.
They both sit for a while, watching the children in the pool.
'Do you remember when we used to bring Stefan here and he never wanted to get out, even when his skin was wrinkled and his lips blue from the cold?' Alicia asks.
'Yes,' Liam nods.
'I hope we can bring the baby here too,' Alicia continues. She gazes at Liam. She needs to know he is fully onboard with Frida's pregnancy. He looked as if he accepted her story earlier, but she wants to make sure.
'I look forward to that,' he replies.
Alicia watches his face. It looks less drawn than it has done in the past two days. She wishes with all her heart that she hadn't brought such pain to him. But at least he seems to be happy about Frida's baby.
Alicia shifts on her seat and takes a sip out of her glass, removing her hand from under Liam's. It is only 4PM, but with the day she's had, it feels as if it should already be evening.
'I want to stay here,' Alicia says. Again, she is keeping an eye on Liam.
He lifts his head in surprise.
'I see.'
Now it's Alicia's turn to take hold of Liam's hand. The familiar feel of his slender, but strong, fingers under her own reminds her how much they have in common. The long marriage, Stefan, and now a future grandchild.
'But I also want to save our marriage,' she says.
Liam is quiet. He's not looking at her and suddenly Alicia feels cold. She shivers and brings her arms around her body.
What if he doesn't want me anymore?
'I can't give up my job. My patients rely on me,' he says quietly, lifting his now serious eyes to Alicia’s.
Again she reaches out to him, this time taking his hands into hers.
'I know. And I don't want to give up seeing our grandchild being born and growing up. And I love my job at Ålandsbladet.'
'What do you want me to do?' Liam says.
'I don't know. But I do know that we can make it work. Until the baby is born, I'd like to stay here. You can see if you can get more holiday, and come and stay for long weekends, and then for a few more days when the baby is born? I can come over to London for weekends too. I know it's not going to be easy, but we often don't see
each other for days even when I'm in London, not when you are working all hours. Especially not since ...'
Alicia lets go of Liam, but he pulls her back toward him.
'That's over, I told you. You must trust me,' he says and peers closely at Alicia. 'As I must trust you, if we are to live in two different countries from now on.'
Alicia nods. She pushes the feeling of guilt away. 'It won't be easy, but I can't leave Frida. You can see that, can't you? Her mother is not well enough to look after her and she has literally no one else now Daniel is gone.'
'I can see that,' Liam says and after a moment's hesitation continues, 'I love you Alicia. I never stopped loving you and I will do anything to make you happy. I am here until the end of the week, and when I go back I'll see how I can arrange my schedule to get more time off in longer blocks.'
Alicia is so relieved, she wants to jump up and shout out, 'Yes!' It's as if her old Liam, her loving husband, has come back to her.
At that moment, he leans over and whispers in Alicia's ear, 'Can I kiss you now?'
She nods and Liam places his hands on either side of her face, and gently, so gently, presses his lips onto Alicia's.
The effect of his touch, so familiar, yet so exciting, pulses through Alicia's body. Yet, she thinks, it's too soon, so she pulls herself away from Liam and takes another sip of her wine.
'You will be the sexiest grandmother in the world,' he says in a low voice.
Alicia laughs. They are both silent for a moment, gazing at each other. Alicia can't quite believe how far they have come and how much has changed in just a matter of weeks and days. Suddenly she remembers her mother.
'I think we should go over to Sjoland for dinner. Hilda will be driving Uffe mad otherwise.'
'OK,' Liam says and smiles.
Epilogue