I break into tears. “What was I supposed to do? You tell me?”
“The elephant is still in the room. Wake up and face the truth.” He walks out.
I’m all alone to collect my thoughts. Thoughts I’ve wrestled with when I was going to marry Carlos. Thoughts about sending Marisol to an institution. Thoughts about home-schooling Lotus and isolating her from the rest of the world. This was all Carlos’ idea and not once did my vote count. I was too young to face these problems.
Ricardo is right, it’s time I face the truth and take matters in my own hands.
I’m about to dig in for another cigarette when a man approaches me.
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Ongpin, I’m Mr. Florentino, your daughter’s Philosophy teacher.”
Rising from my seat, I dry my eyes and shake his hand. He looks very young and quite charming. I don’t remember him coming to visit Lotus. “Nice to meet you.”
“I should have came earlier when it happened . . . I’m sorry,” he stammers, eyes guarded. “Lotus was my top student and I never thought she could do this.”
Everyone never anticipated Lotus to slash her wrists. I can’t say mental illness runs in her blood because it was due to Carlos raping Marisol that initiated her to break down. Something must have triggered Lotus to do this. I need to get to the bottom of why this happened. “Mr. Florentino, we’re all dumbfounded about what happened. Did you spot any signs that could have prompted Lotus to do this?”
“Did you know your daughter wanted to be a lawyer?”
“A lawyer?”
“Yes, and she’ll make a good lawyer. She knows how to argue and reason out.”
We both share a laugh. He’s right, but then I cover my mouth, guilty of why I was smiling.
“It’s okay to laugh. I don’t think Lotus would like to see you crying all the time.”
I realize how little I knew of my daughter and here is her teacher who knows more about her. I hate myself for not asking Lotus about her dreams and what keeps her awake at night. How selfish of me to think what I was doing was best for her when all I did was deprive her from a normal childhood.
“Can I see Lotus now?” he asks.
I nod and lead him inside the hospital.
Carlos is talking to the doctor as we come in.
“This is her room,” I tell Mr. Florentino then excuse myself to join Carlos.
Like me, Carlos has dark circles underneath his eyes. He hardly talks to me and tries his best to avoid me.
James arrives shortly. He has been here every single day trying to cheer us with stories about Lotus. You clearly know who your friends are in times of trouble and I can see that he cares for her deeply.
“Thanks for coming over, James.” I give him a hug.
“I’ve been absent in school, but I will always be present for Lotus,” he jokes.
Carlos and I grin. The few moments where we can share a smile takes us out of the reality we live in.
He spots Mr. Florentino inside the room. “Oh, our Philosophy teacher is here.”
“First time I met him,” I say.
With folded arms, James says, “Philosophy was Lotus’ favorite subject. She loved that class.”
From outside, I observe how Mr. Florentino watches Lotus. He strokes her hair, then steps backward with his head bowed down. There’s something about the way acts that doesn’t feel right.
I brush my thoughts aside as the memory takes me to that day Marisol and I had a picnic at the ranch.
Her eyes lighted up as we organized the platter of different sandwiches on the blanket.
“Here, take a bite.” I dug in on the tuna sandwich and offered her a slice.
She giggled as she watched me grab another sandwich and bite two at a time, then followed. That’s what I loved about Marisol. I could do anything I want and not be judged.
We spent the afternoon chatting about anything under the sun. Even after studying abroad and meeting other people, I could say Marisol was the only real friend I ever had. She was pure and genuine.
Wanting to show my appreciation, I removed the gold bracelet from my arm and reached out for Marisol’s arm to strap it on.
“I can’t possibly have this,” she gushed.
“It’s yours, sister.”
This time, her eyes radiated brighter than before. Although Marisol lived in the mansion, she was fully aware that being the daughter of a servant had limitations. She knew she was never one of us. Marisol never took advantage of our family, but to me, she would always be my sister.
Carlos’ booming voice interrupted our moment.
My palms were sweating profusely while I stared at his brown eyes. He flashed me a grin of confidence matched with his swag, and the best part was he had a bouquet of tulips for me.
“How’s my favorite girl?” He snuggled close and reached for my lips.
I was bedazzled by his gaze and the softness of his lips. For a moment, I had forgotten that Marisol was there. Carlos was quite a charmer back then. All the girls would try to capture his attention at school but he showed them he was aloof. I couldn’t believe he liked me.
Carlos handed me the flowers and glanced at her. “What is she doing here?”
Marisol bit her lip and looked away.
“We were having a picnic. Want a sandwich? It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”
He curled his lips and blew out a sigh. Carlos’ family had status and wealth. They never mingled with the household help, but I wasn’t going to allow him to treat her that way.
“Marisol is my sister. Please be nice to her.”
“Sister? She’s the servant’s daughter? Aren’t you embarrassed to be seen with her? What would people say?”
Marisol leaped from the ground. “I should go.”
“Wait, Marisol,” I called out to her, but she dashed to the horse and galloped away.
I glared at Carlos, but instead, he flashed me that dreamy look that sent butterflies to my stomach. “You know I’m only trying to protect you. She will never be one of us.”
That was the day I had chosen Carlos over my loyalty to Marisol.
A month and a half has passed since Lotus slipped into a coma and each day is like going through the motions of getting out of bed and dragging myself to the hospital. I’m exhausted and grateful that Ricardo is here to help me. He’s leaving today to go back to America, and it just dawned on me that he has a life to get back to.
The glaring white light at Lotus hospital room penetrates my eyes.
Dr. Sanchez clears his throat. “Mrs. Ongpin, can I have a word with you?”
“Sure.” I dry my eyes, filled with deep regret. I wrestle with my thoughts daily. God, why Lotus?
“It’s been a month and a half and I don’t see any improvement in your daughter’s condition.”
“That’s bullshit!” I cover my mouth realizing this was the first time I’ve ever cursed in my life. “Are you telling me you’re giving up on my daughter?”
Dr. Ongpin looks away. He seemed optimistic that Lotus would recover quickly. Why is he reminding me that it’s been a month and a half? Every day, I look at the calendar hoping today will be the day she wakes up, but when night time comes, I have to force myself to sleep knowing the days are longer each time I open my eyes.
I know how difficult his job can be. How many lives has he saved? How many lives did he fail to save? The gray hairs and lines on his forehead reveal the effort he strives in being the best doctor he can be, but this is my daughter that he’s talking about. The only child I’ll ever have and he can’t just give up on her.
“Need I remind you, Dr. Sanchez, Lotus almost died as a baby. If she survived childbirth, then she will survive this.”
He pats my hand. “Mrs. Ongpin, I want you to know we are monitoring her condition and doing the best we c
an, but what I’m about to tell you―”
“Spit it out.”
“Excuse me.”
“If there’s more bad news, then I’ll rather hear it now.”
He rubs his chin, studying my eyes. “Is your husband coming over?”
I wanted to shout, forget about my husband. He’s the cause of all of this. “I can tell him later.”
Carlos appears shortly. “Hello, Dr. Sanchez, any progress on my daughter?”
The doctor shifts direction and acknowledges Carlos. “I’m glad you’re here. I think both of you should sit down, because I have news for you.”
Carlos and I exchange glances and sit down.
Dr. Ongpin folds his arms. “We recently did some tests and discovered your daughter is . . . pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” We exclaim in unison.
I decided not to go to the hospital today. I can’t bear to look at my daughter like that. Pregnant for that matter. The doctor’s words still echo in my mind. How could she be pregnant? Who could be the father? What will happen to the baby? Although she looks like an angel sleeping peacefully, my hope is dwindling. Carlos has been out since this morning and today is the first time I had a full night’s sleep despite discovering Lotus was pregnant. I must have slept for a good twelve hours.
Carlos didn’t talk to me on the way home from the hospital. We both knew we had numerous questions boggling our mind, but none of us said a word. I always thought marriage was about partnership especially during times of trouble. It’s like we lost ourselves during the way. Carlos preferred to drink instead of communicate with me. God knows why we stayed this long. Actually, it was because of Lotus. She was the glue that kept us together. Without her, we were lost and forced to confront the demons of our past.
My thoughts shift to the night of my engagement party. This was supposed to be the most exciting event, but until this day, I have tried my best to erase what I witnessed that night.
Marisol had disappeared right when I wanted her to be there the day that Carlos asked for my hand in marriage. Tired of waiting, I run into our sprawling hills and overheard voices. Carlos was the loudest among all.
I inched forward hoping to get a closer look and noticed that his two friends, Jaime and Manuel were there surrounding Marisol. I crouched hidden by a tree, hoping they didn’t spot me. Marisol looked radiant in the ivory Piña dress she had woven just for this night. Why was she running away from me? Why couldn’t she be happy for me?
The next moment was a blur to me. I had witnessed the most horrifying scream from Marisol while I watched Carlos, Jaime and Manuel grab her arms. She struggled but Carlos shoved her against a tree and removed her dress. Manuel covered her mouth while she tried to escape, but it was too late because they stripped her naked.
My legs couldn’t move and I didn’t seem to fathom what is going on. The next thing I saw was Carlos, fondling her breasts while his two other friends groped her. Bile crawled up my throat and I could no longer stomach what is saw. Carlos was grinding her while his two friends watched and cheered.
I ran back to the mansion where my mother was waiting for me. I pretended not to know anything while my heart was pounding endlessly. Instead, I went to the bathroom to powder my nose and applied a darker shade of lipstick so I could be pretty while Carlos asked for my hand in marriage.
This is the truth which I’ve chosen to hide, chosen to ignore, and chosen to forget.
I open my closet and the rack collapses and Piña dress falls into my arms. I recognize it immediately as the dress Marisol gave me the first time we met when I came home from Spain. The stitching is still intact. I bring it close to my face and weep. It seems that Marisol is reaching out to me. I have buried this secret inside of me thinking it will dissolve, not knowing the people I betrayed―Marisol and Lotus―are the ones who loved me the most. Marisol, I have failed you, but I can’t fail our daughter. I will make this right for you, for Lotus, for all of us.
Seated in the sofa of our living room, I wait for Carlos to come home that evening. He eventually dos and is drunk as usual. Carlos never made love to me while he was sober. I always thought Carlos loved me for who I am, little did I know he married me for the status. It was a business merger. Our great-grandfathers and grandfathers had established a business trade and Carlos’ father had encouraged him to continue the tradition. Carlos’ family business had filed for bankruptcy and I was his winning ticket. He had not only charmed me but my mother as well, who immediately placed him in charge of running our weaving business. He thinks I don’t know, but I’m aware of all the affairs he engaged in. He still sees me as the young, naive girl he charmed back then.
Mother is probably rolling in her grave knowing what she had done. Ricardo was the smart one. He left wanting to experience a better world than this. We are locked up in our web of deceit. We are prisoners of our own lies and guilt. Everything has to stop now.
Carlos turns on the light in the living room and jolts when he sees me. This time I’m prepared to vomit all the rage and pain I have inside, but instead I keep cool and pour us two glasses of wine.
“We need to talk.”
His glassy eyes shy away from my gaze. “Talk?”
“Yes, that’s what married couples do when they have problems. They talk. Sit down and have a drink.”
Carlos takes a step back but notices I don’t bat my eyelashes, so he does as he’s told. He takes the glass and downs it.
“If something happens to Lotus, I will blame you,” I raise my voice.
“Me?”
“You think I don’t know everything? All these years, you drank because you could never stomach what you did to Marisol.”
He stares at me with eyes wide open.
“That night at my engagement party, you thought nobody was watching,” my voice cracks. “But . . . I was there and witnessed the whole thing. You’re a beast, Carlos. How could you!”
Without realizing what is happening, my cheek is stinging. Carlos has beaten me several times during my marriage, but this time the pain is numb. It feels good to let it out. There is no longer tension in my shoulders and I’m not holding back like I used to.
“Because of you, I lost my best friend. You messed her up, Carlos, and I was a fool to even marry you. Now, our daughter is fighting for her life and pregnant with God who the fuck knows who the father is.” I shake my head.
“She’s not your daughter.” He points a finger at me.
I toss the glass on the floor. It shatters into pieces. “You want to pull that card on me, Carlos? I’ve been more than a mother than you’ve been a father to her. You never had time for her―for us.”
“I thought you said we were going to talk and solve this problem.”
“That’s right. I want to know how you’re going to fix this problem.”
He jolts upright and paces around the living room. “I’m going to look for that bastard who got her pregnant, and when I do, I’m going to kill him.”
I chuckle in disgust. “Always about your ego, isn’t it, Carlos?” This is the first time I dart back at my husband. All these years of submitting to his needs and being the good wife just flew out of the window.
“This is how it’s going to be done. I’m giving you three days to pack your things and get hell out of my house.”
“What?! You can’t possibly do that.”
“Oh, yes, I can. This is my house. Actually, mine and Ricardo.”
He flashes me a sly grin. “But, it’s I who handles the business. You will be lost without me.”
“No, she won’t.” The door opens and Ricardo pops in.
I rush to his side and give him a tight embrace, surprised and relieved he’s back. “I thought you left.”
Ricardo drops his luggage. “On the way to the airport, I told myself, there’s no way I’m leaving my sister. Not now, not ever
.” He faces Carlos and points a finger on his chest. “This is our house, and you need to get out of here. This time we are in charge.”
Carlos takes a step back and heads for the door. He takes one look at me and yells, “I’m going to get you for this.”
“And I’m going to make sure Lotus knows what a bastard you are,” I dart back at him.
It was the first time Carlos had seen me act this way. I told him everything I needed to tell him. There was no way, I could sleep with him in the same room. He could continue visiting Lotus at the hospital, but I already made a call to my attorney to file for an annulment. It could take long and my case may not be approved, but I feel optimistic it will. We would have to deal with Lotus’ condition and pregnancy, but I no longer want to live with him.
Ricardo holds my hand tight as we enter the Holy Angels psychiatric institution. How I wish we had done this earlier. How I wish none of this ever happened.
“We may be late for the party, but we’ll make sure we end with a bang.” Ricardo smiles.
He was always the positive one among us. Maybe living abroad all these years taught him to appreciate and value life. One thing he lacks is a woman to love and cherish.
The smell of alcohol enters my nostrils. I start to breathe harder, faster. The world spins, I never thought this day would come . . . the day I will come to terms with my reality. I’m nauseous and can’t take another step.
The nurses turn to our direction. I can’t see clearly, my vision is blurry and I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I cling my hand on my chest and bend over.
“Isabel, are you all right? Isabel?” Ricardo’s voice is faint.
The white lights are blinding. Am I dying? Please, no. Not until I fix this. There’s still a lot of unfinished business left. Please, God, forgive me. Not now.
Part III
Marisol
Light spills in my tiny bedroom. I gaze at the mansion up on the hill, but can only catch a glimpse of it because it’s farther ahead and my eyesight is failing me. I cut strips of red and green crepe papier maché and glue the pieces together.
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