by Erinne Bates
“Who taught you that?” she asked, touching her now reddened lips with the tip of her finger. Her chest was noticeably rising and falling.
“Huh?” was all I managed. I was still half breathless, and not sure if she meant she literally wanted to know who.
“Where did you learn to kiss me like that?”
“Um –“
“No, I’m joking,” she said, quickly cutting me off. I didn’t know it at the time, but she really wasn’t.
Chapter 6
The weekend that followed was a three-day weekend, and I took a chance and invited Justine to my parents’ beach house on Madeira Beach, overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. I didn’t expect her to accept, but to my surprise she did, and I drove us the thirty miles to the ocean to spend three nights. We put the top down on my Volkswagen, and as I drove, Justine rested her palm on my seat the way she did when she placed it on the horse I rode along the cooling trail. When she took it away she told me to put my hand on her seat.
While she stared out across the gulf as we drove over the three-mile bridge that crossed it, I quietly replayed our kiss in my mind. She had not spoken of that evening in her room, nor the kiss that pursued, and I was not about to bring it up. I didn’t dare allow it to be real or meaningful even. To make sense of it, I told myself it was a game that had ‘accidentally’ gone too far.
The sun was already beginning to set when we arrived. We rushed to put away the groceries we bought and raced to the sand with a bottle of wine and a couple of red plastic cups. Quietly we watched as the sun disappeared below the horizon.
For hours afterward, we stayed on our spots in the sand and talked of nothing important - and sometimes we talked of life’s most important things. She asked what my plans were after I graduated from school. At what age I thought I should marry. She asked me if I had ever been in love.
“I don’t know,” I giggled, ignoring the possibility that my feelings for her might be something like being in love.
“Well, how will you know when you’ve met the man you will marry if you don’t know how it feels to be in love?”
“Why do I need to get married?” I replied in a more serious tone than intended. For years I had filled journals with stories and poems about true love that went beyond comprehension. I never questioned this not happening to me – it was always a matter of when never if. Suddenly I was no longer connected to the stories and romantic poetry I had poured my soul into, trying to define my future...and I supposed, myself.
“I don’t know if I will ever marry,” I said. “I don’t even know who I am supposed to be looking for.”
“Ok, so now I want to ask you something, and“—she paused and closed her eyes. She looked as though she was about to leap off of a cliff—“you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to…” Although the question was directed to me, she appeared as though she was the vulnerable one.
“Look! The moon is behind us now, but as the night progresses it will move over there in front of us,” I said quickly before she could continue. Justine looked up at the dark sky behind us.
“Oh,” she said, then gazed out at the ocean in front of us.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off.” I had done it on purpose, afraid of the vulnerability I had seen in her and the honesty she was asking of me.
“It’s alright. I’m not sure how to ask this, but I’m curious. I don’t know why it’s not any of my business—”
“Oh, now you have to ask me,” I demanded playfully.
“Have you—" she paused again, biting her lower lip, “have you ever been with a man?” I expected to hear the usual musing in her voice, but there was none at all. When I looked at her eyes, all of her innocence was peeking out at me from behind them. It was only for a split moment, but it was a moment I have never forgotten.
“Like… sex?” I asked. I knew it was what she meant but I asked anyway.
“Yes. Sex. Have you?”
“Well…no. I mean—I’ve gotten pretty far. I’ve like, touched one before…”
“Really?” Justine’s voice was now full of incredulous amusement. I could no longer tell if she was messing with me or still being serious. “So you’ve gotten pretty far. I’d say a lot further than I have.”
When I asked her about Rick, the fiancé of the woman who owned the barn, she told me he had indeed asked her to spend the night with him after their dinner, but she declined and went to a hotel instead. When I asked her why she didn’t just come home she said she didn’t exactly know why, only that she felt ashamed.
“I think whoever you fall in love with will be the luckiest person,” Justine said, holding the empty bottle of wine upside down as she stood up, “Shall we go to bed?”
Although there were two bedrooms, we shared the master bedroom. When I climbed onto the king-sized bed, Justine was already bundled beneath the two blankets. I slid beneath the sheets behind her and pressed the tops of my cool thighs into the back of hers while I draped my arm over her waist. I had never done that before, as we had always kept space between most of the parts of our bodies. She shivered and pressed her feet onto mine. I listened for the change in Justine’s breathing to let me know she had fallen asleep.
“Do you remember when we kissed each other?” she said, her face half-buried in her pillow.
“Yes,” I said, positive the sudden knocking in my chest could be felt by her.
“Did you feel … different?”
“I don’t know,” I said, staring at the back of her head, afraid to ask her what she meant. Afraid to tell her what I did feel.
“Would you like to try it again?”
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t even breathe. She started to roll over to face me but I met her halfway so that when our lips came together I was partly over her. Her mouth was soft against mine at first and as our kiss deepened, I slid my body fully between her thighs, running my hand along the outside of her bent leg. I could feel her hands caressing my back, and then slide down past my hips. Lightning shot through me and I pulled away to look at her.
“Did you feel that?” I asked her.
She nodded and said, “I still do.” Then she moved a strand of my hair away from my face. “You are so beautiful.”
“Not like you,” I said, kissing the tips of her fingers.
“No, I mean it. I want to tell you something. The first time I saw you I was “--she gave a soft laugh-- “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
“That’s not true,” I said.
“It is. Why do you think I tried so hard to get your attention? I deliberately set your horse off in that lesson with those boys. It’s true. Then I had to think of a dozen ways to keep your mom from leaving so that I would have the chance to talk to you before you left.”
“I had my own car, you could have just waited for me.”
“I couldn’t have known that,” she laughed.
“I memorized your schedule so I could be there every moment you were and you talked to me like once,” I said.
“Well yes,” she said, wrapping one of my curls around her finger, “When I am working I am working. I don’t ever allow others to see my personal side when I am there. Believe me, I knew where you were most of the time.”
Our kiss this time exposed the depths of our feelings for one another. My mind did not think of anything but expressing every ounce of affection I had for her. Her legs wrapped around my hips, squeezing me in a pulsating rhythm that sent more electricity through my body. I found myself pressing into her as her hips began to lift up. Suddenly she was pulling my shirt over my head and removing hers.
When I felt her warmed skin, and the softness of her breasts against mine I raised myself up to examine our bodies together. I was overcome with such raw emotion, tears welled up in my eyes.
“What is it?” Justine asked. I saw in her eyes the same intensity of emotion I was feeling. Part of me was afraid of what would happen if I gave into the fervor that was engulfing me.
“Why did you
stop me in your room? I thought I had done something wrong.”
“I had to. I wasn’t prepared to feel what I did.” Justine’s hands moved behind my neck and head and gently pulled me toward her, where she kissed me. “It’s ok,” she whispered between kisses, “I feel it too – it’s good. This is good.” I kissed her along the curve of her neck, then down to her breast and watched her nipple harden and swell, before taking it into my mouth.
We explored every line and curve of each other’s body. Then, quietly, I moved my hand over her belly toward her dark curly mound. I didn’t know what would happen when I touched her. She cried out, which startled me at first, but then made me want to find ways to hear her do it again. I cannot explain the intense beauty I witnessed the moment her hand gripped my wrist and her hips began to gyrate while my fingers penetrated her. When her body tensed and the walls around my fingers tightened as she shuddered, I felt as though there would never be another moment in life as perfect as this.
“Oh my god,” she said, her eyes glistening.
“Justine,” I said, my face over hers, “I think I love you.”
“What took you so long?” she replied tenderly, looking into my eyes. “I know that I love you.”
We could not press our bodies close enough to each other when we tried to sleep. It may have only been twenty minutes that we tried because when we realized the sun was coming up we wrapped blankets around us and went onto the balcony to watch it.
“The first sunrise I’ve ever seen,” I said as though no other before it mattered. I took her hand, memorizing the way they felt in mine. I vowed to myself I would never EVER forget this moment as long as I lived.
“Tell me your thoughts,” she said, turning to me.
“I’m telling myself that this is real. I’m not imagining this,” I said staring outward while squeezing her hand in mine. “I don’t remember being any happier than I am right now.”
We picked shells along the beach before Justine made us an amazing breakfast. At her insistence, I showered while she cleaned the dishes. When I came out, however, I found the dishes as we had left them and Justine still in her bathing suit, sound asleep on top of the bed.
The thing about Justine is that she gives every bit of her energy whether she is working or playing, so whenever she has the chance to be still she often falls asleep. It was just one more thing I adored about her. It’s why it wasn’t unusual for her to invite me to nap with her the way she did. We hadn’t slept since the night before so I wasn’t surprised to find her there. Hoping to not awaken her, I laid my head on her belly and closed my eyes. There was harmony in the rise and fall of her belly and the gentle sounds from within.
It wasn’t long before things began to stir within me. I could barely keep myself awake, but her scent mixed with the ocean was powerfully arousing. When I could no longer fight my urges I moved between her legs gently moved her bathing suit to the side. I wanted to taste where my fingers had been. I wanted my tongue inside the walls that had gripped my fingers so tightly only hours before.
Justine’s body twitched as I tasted her. She mumbled something inaudible, then relaxed. Her bathing suit came down her body as she pushed it over her hips as far as her hands could reach until I removed it the rest of the way, down her legs. We were both very quiet while my tongue explored the wetness between her thighs.
“I don’t know what is going to happen,” she said after a while, touching my head softly, “ just please don’t stop.”
I did not stop when her body tensed then shuddered. I didn’t stop when her moans grew loud and her thighs trembled. I didn’t stop when she called out my name, lifting her hips off the bed. I only stopped when she fell back asleep, and then I laid my head on her inner thigh, the most sensual part of her, and closed my eyes too.
Chapter 7
We found a seafood restaurant for dinner that was within walking distance, so we made our way along the ocean shore until we reached its beach-side entrance. Justine ordered a dirty martini and offered me my first taste. I could not believe how disgusting vodka was, but I did find the saltiness from the green olives appealing.
“In a few years you’ll love these,” she said to me.
“How long will you be gone?” I was looking at the menu but not really reading it. She looked into her drink before answering.
“I won’t be back for a long time. Probably after you begin university,” she said, then touched my hand. Tears welled in my eyes before I could swallow the lump in my throat. I tried to wipe them before Justine noticed, but she was attentive.
“Oh no, please don’t,” Justine said, visibly uncomfortable that I had become emotional in public, “Not here—not now,”
“Sorry,” I said, sinking into my seat. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
We ate mostly in silence. I was annoyed with myself for killing the mood for us. The food had become hard to swallow. Over the course of the meal, my self-annoyance morphed into humiliation.
Walking back along the dark shore, I carried my shoes. I shivered as the breeze came off the ocean, and thought to take Justine’s hand, but decided to wait for her touch first. Just as I was certain our walk back would be as quiet as was our dinner, something slimy squished between my toes and I let out a scream. While I high-stepped away then blindly dragged my bare foot across a safe patch of sand Justine broke into hysterical laughter, which caused me to start laughing as well. We doubled over clutching our bellies, and before I knew it, we were embracing.
“Let’s not let anything ruin our time, ok?” Justine said in my ear as I pressed my face into her hair. “We can talk more about it at home if you want.”
When we arrived back at the beach house I stood in the tub and scrubbed any remaining slimy residue from between my toes. Justine waited for me on the balcony, where she could see the moon’s reflections on the waves as they splashed softly on the shore.
“I can always visit you during my school breaks,” I said when I joined her, positive it was the perfect solution.
“It won’t be that simple,” Justine replied, producing a pack of cigarettes and lighting one. This didn’t surprise me as I had seen her smoke before when we were alone and sure that no one else was around. It was her secret vice she said, but only for emergency. Were we in an emergency now? She offered me one and I took it, for I too smoked on occasion, albeit very rarely. I had learned to inhale in seventh grade when I invited Lisa Knight to the beach with me and my family one weekend. We got bored with the sand and the ocean and ventured off to find a pool at one of the nearby beach hotels. Lisa swiped a pack of cigarettes from a woman who was sleeping on a lounge chair and we hid in the public bathroom where she showed me how to light one. It was difficult at first to inhale without choking, but within a few attempts I had it down.
“Calli,” Justine said, exhaling smoke then fanning it away, “You know how I am when I am working. I mean, I think you understand that I am very focused and I don’t let anyone into my personal space.”
I nodded.
“When I am on tour I cannot think of anything but my work,” she continued. “It won’t just be me, it will be expected- no - demanded from every one of the riders. There must be no distraction. We are talking about the Olympics; do you understand what that means?”
Again I only nodded but there was no way for me to truly know what she meant. I couldn’t understand the magnitude of her work. She, herself, was an athlete. A competitor. I tried to imagine what it was like to perform at an Olympic level.
“This is why I have come to the United States. This is why Mr. Brody was kind enough to bring me here. I was not going to ride again, but I had to be able to connect with the right people to --” Her eyes were so intensely focused on mine I caught my breath. I had never seen that look in them before.
“They are not in Ireland, Calli,” she continued, her voice passionate and sincere. “They’re here. And I can’t compromise even a breath of distraction when I leave you.”
“Why all this then?” I asked, immediately fearing her answer. “Why have you allowed this to happen between us?”
She sat back but the glint in her eye only lessened slightly, “Should we have ignored our feelings and denied ourselves what we shared?”
I tried to think quickly. Should we have?
“I suppose if we hadn’t it’d be worse,” I admitted quietly. I knew I would have walked through fire to spend just one night in her arms. “If I had to choose in advance, I still would have picked this.”
Justine’s kiss was soft as she took my face in her hands, “I will never stop loving you.”
Chapter 8
When we arrived home from the beach house, Justine went straight to her room, closed her bedroom door and made phone calls for the next hour until it was time for dinner. As we sat at the table it was so hard to act like nothing had happened – like we weren’t in love and busting at the seams to keep from touching each other. I just wanted to blurt out that we were together now and have my folks congratulate us on our happiness.
But I knew, in reality, none of that would have gone over well with my parents. Least of all my mother. It would have been a slap in the face as far as she was concerned. After all, she didn’t own a ten-thousand-dollar horse just because it could take commands better than a one-thousand-dollar horse. No, it was about status for mother dear. Her plan was to be the woman with the most expensive horse in the barn, not the woman with the lesbian daughter, so I knew she would not be keen on discovering (or everyone else discovering) her only daughter was in love with another woman. Even if the other woman was a former Olympic equestrian rider and now an Olympic equestrian trainer. I personally liked the way it sounded.
I refused to make eye contact with Justine. It was the only way I could hide my feelings in front of my parents. I felt like had they seen me look at her they would instantly know we had changed. Refusing to be ignored, she kicked me incessantly under the table.