I took a small step backward and cleared my throat. “Shy, you know Emery.” I pointed the neck of my bottle to Emery, who waved nervously as Shy glanced over her shoulder.
“I didn’t know you were a babysitter.”
“We’re practically the same age,” Emery replied dryly. “I just don’t look rode hard and put away wet.”
Holy shit.
“Yeah, well, I was accountin’ on the fact that you’re a little slower than most,” Shy shot back at Emery, her eyes never leaving mine.
“I wouldn’t be so proud to be a fast girl like yourself.”
“We’re neighbors,” I added as I put my bottle down on the counter and grabbed two more. Shy took the one I had intended for Emery. “We’re celebrating.”
“What are you celebrating?” Shy asked as she twisted the cap off the bottle.
“Emery’s dying,” I said with no humor as I took the bottle from her hand and held it out for Emery. I was rewarded with a crooked smile as we both took a drink.
“You’re dying?” Shy slurred as she spun around, feigning concern. “Like... right now?”
“It’s as good a time as any,” Emery replied, struggling to suppress her grin with a drink in each hand.
“You don’t look sick.”
“Um... thanks?”
“Maybe it’s all those pills your momma has you popping. Can you die from being crazy?” Shy glanced back at me with a wink, and my stomach sank. So much for showing Emery a good time.
“I’m not crazy,” Emery’s voice had lost all of its confidence as her eyes widened and I knew she was only seconds from crying. I’d seen that look a million times before with Taylor as she struggled so hard to be strong. Our entire night was going to be ruined before it even started, and Emery was never going to trust me to take her out again.
One of the advantages of being tall was that I could see over the heads of most of my peers. Right now I was looking at half the football team making their way through the front door. When you play life safe, you have a choice. But when you are out of time, you don’t think about right or wrong, only what feels good. Right now, nothing would feel better than to make Emery smile.
“Shy, when are we going to finish what we started?” I asked as her attention turned back to me, a smug look of victory on her face as if she’d beat out Emery for my affection. Not that she needed to worry. Emery was the type of girl who would be settling down with a lawyer or some other guy in a fancy suit with a fat paycheck.
“I was hoping maybe later tonight,” she whispered, taking a small step closer to me, assaulting me with her flowery perfume that smelled like it could cover the scent of a decomposing body.
“Why wait?” I bent down, hovering my lips just an inch from Shy’s, making sure she was the one to close the distance between us. She didn’t disappoint. Her lips went to my ear to whisper her plans, and her body pressed against mine. A loud yell from her boyfriend behind Emery caused my eyes to snap open, but when they landed on Emery, I froze. Her eyes were wide with horror as a boy three times her size crashed into her from behind. Beer flew, frothing from the bottles she held as her body crashed to the floor below.
“Emery,” I yelled out as Shy ducked out of the way with a squeal, still not aware that the commotion was caused by her own boyfriend. I grabbed Emery’s arms and helped her to her feet, panicking as I assessed her. “That isn’t what I meant to happen. You alright?”
“Yeah, I'll live,” she mumbled. “What are you doing?” Her look of betrayal was not lost on me. I’d brought her here and then flirted with the same girl who’d just teased her. She must have thought I was an asshole. She wasn’t wrong, she just didn’t realize it wasn’t her who was being betrayed.
“Living... or dying. Not sure which yet.” I grinned as we both glanced up to see three football players standing over us. I pulled her to her feet, making sure she was steady before I turned to Shy’s boyfriend.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I asked as I stared him down.
“Me? You were hittin’ on my girlfriend!”
I laughed, shaking my head. “Your girlfriend was hitting on me. And if we're honest, I probably wasn’t the first guy she tried to hook up with tonight. Just so you know. Bro code and all.”
“You have a death wish?” He asked as he shoved his hands hard against my chest in what can only be described as the stereotypical douche move from any teen movie from the nineties. But when I didn’t stumble backward, he cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy dog, leaving his jaw wide open for me to hit him. So I did.
“Hell yeah, I do,” I responded, swinging wide and connected with the left side of his face. Emery squealed, clasping her hands over her mouth as if she could actually be heard over the shitty house music.
“Don’t you hit my boyfriend,” Shy yelled, her southern drawl even thicker when she was angry. But as she grabbed at my arm, clawing the flesh of my bicep with her shitty plastic nails, Emery grabbed hold of her multi-colored ponytail and pulled her off me.
All hell broke loose.
The partygoers quickly redirected their attention to us. Luckily for me, none of the other football players decided to defend their friend, which I knew I would be grateful for if I lived until morning. I wasn’t conceited, but I liked my face the way it was and wanted to keep it.
We fell to the floor with a thunderous thud that I knew would result in some pretty impressive bruises tomorrow. But right now all I wanted to do was put this jerk in his place.
I swung again, I felt his jaw give way. I couldn’t stop after that. I saw red. I saw my father’s face. I hit him until I couldn’t feel my hands, struggling to satiate the monster that lived inside of me.
Arms banded around both of us, and we were being pulled apart but not before the collar of my shirt was ripped.
I spun around, scanning the room for Emery, who was staring at me along with the others, doe-eyed from shock. I struggled to slow my breathing, anger still pumping through my veins before holding out my hand to her. She hesitated, all eyes locked on her before reaching forward and slipping her long fingers over mine.
I couldn’t wipe the proud smile from my face as I pulled her through the crowd toward the door, grabbing a half-empty bottle of whiskey on my way out. At least, I knew that Shy wasn’t going to mess with Emery again. She’d stood up for herself.
She yanked her hand free from mine as we stepped off the porch, the fresh air bringing her back to reality.
“What was that?”
“I was defending us.” I unscrewed the lid of the bottle, chugging a shot.
“You could have killed him.”
“Trust me, if I wanted him dead, he’d be dead. That asshole has been asking for an assbeatin’ for a long time.”
Her eyes studied me, her teeth pressed hard into her lower lip.
“Emery, he deserved it.”
She shook her head before finally twisting the side of her mouth up in a grin.
I held out the bottle, and she took it, tipping it to her lips without hesitation before cringing. “Oh... that’s harsh.”
I took the bottle back as I opened the passenger door, waiting for her to slide inside.
“There were three of those guys, Ford. I mean... what would I have done if they all attacked you?”
I paused, looking down at the concerned expression on her face before closing her door. What would she have done? I wasn’t used to anyone standing up for me and as laughable as it was that this tiny girl wanted to protect me, it made me feel like a complete asshole for even putting her safety at risk. She didn’t need someone to teach her to live on the wild side. She needed someone to protect her from idiots like me.
The sound of the screen door slamming barely registered in my mind as I silently scolded myself. I should have paid attention because a hand was on my shoulder before I could round the front of my car. When I turned to see who had grabbed me, a fist connected with my face, instantly filling my mouth with the copper taste of
blood.
“What the fuck?” I yelled as my hand went to my mouth, catching a few wayward drops in my palm.
The passenger door of my car slammed as Emery hurried between us, grabbing my attacker by the arm and pulling him back. I took a step forward, and Emery’s hands pressed against my chest. My gaze dropped to her.
“His momma’s the law.” Her words came out in a rush as she shook her head, her eyes pleading with me not to go after him. I nodded once, and she huffed before spinning around.
“Marcus, what are you doing here?” She yelled as she shoved him hard against his chest, wobbling under her own weight.
“I should ask you the same thing. Why are you hanging out with this asshole?”
“This asshole is my friend,” she snapped.
“Thanks,” I deadpanned as I cracked my neck.
“And you have no right to hit him!”
“Emery, what the hell happened to you?” His voice was calm now, and it was obvious to anyone with eyes that he had a thing for her. “First you’re painting your face, now you’re at a party with this degenerate... Are you high?”
“So what if I am,” she slurred.
“I’d hate to break up this reunion,” I waved my blood covered hand as they both turned to look at me. “But why the fuck did you hit me?”
“You could have gotten her hurt, you selfish prick,” Marcus snapped as he stepped toward me.
“I’m fine. Not that it is any of your business.” Emery folded her arms across her chest as she stared him down, but he had every right to be pissed off at me. What I did was stupid.
“It is my business. You’re my friend.”
I would’ve felt bad for the guy, had he not just fucking hit me.
“You were Eli’s friend. Not mine.”
His face paled as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Fine.” Marcus nodded, taking a few steps back. “Just don’t call me when he hurts you, ‘cause he will.”
“I wasn’t planning on it,” she said quietly as she walked back to her side of the car and got inside without another word.
I slid into the driver’s seat and started the car, turning up the radio.
She groaned before turning it back down. “Where are we going?”
“I think that was enough excitement for one night.”
“You can’t be serious?” Emery had turned her body to face me as she spoke with her hands. It was the most animated I’d seen her, and it would have made me laugh if I didn’t feel so damn guilty.
“As a heart attack.”
10
EMERY
I struggled not to scream in frustration as we hurried down the highway toward our housing development.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“It’s not you, Emery. It’s me.”
I snorted before I could even stop the pig-like sound from escaping me. “That’s original.”
“Can I ask you something?”
I could feel his eyes on me as I kept my gaze locked ahead.
“Why are you taking pills?”
My head whipped to face him so quickly it hurt my neck. “I changed my mind. You can take me home now.”
“Emery, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He fell silent, waiting for me to respond, but I refused. “I told you about Taylor.”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“That was about someone else. It wasn’t your own secret to tell.”
“You think it wasn’t hard for me to open up to a complete stranger about my past?” His voice rose, but it didn’t have a hint of anger.
“Oh, so we are strangers.” I folded my arms across my chest as I glared out the passenger window, struggling to keep nervous tears from falling. Why did Shy have to bring up the pills?
“Yeah, but I’m trying to get to know you. You aren’t exactly making it easy. Taylor took so many different medications.”
I rolled my eyes, but as I watched my expression in the reflection of the glass, I felt like the biggest jerk on the planet. “I’m not Taylor, so you don’t need to worry about it,” my confession was so quiet I could barely hear my own voice, but I knew by the exhale of breath from Ford that he had heard every word.
The car slowed, and soon I was staring out at a swath of trees from the shoulder of the road. Ford put the car in park, and we sat silently for a moment until my inner voice began to scream out into the uncomfortable abyss of my subconscious.
“What are you doing?” I asked, wishing my face was buried in a book where I was anyone but the stupid girl who was sitting here next to Ford.
“Waiting.”
“For what?”
“For answers.”
But I didn’t have any to give him without sharing things about myself I’d never told a soul.
“Emery...” He was struggling to pick his words carefully, and it made every slow second that ticked by that much more painful. But I knew where this was going. Nowhere. If I couldn’t open up, give him something, the night was over. “I think you’re a cool person.”
Another snort escaped me, and I wanted to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Unfortunately, the road was still empty. “But...” I tried to keep my voice even. I wasn’t mad at him. Not really. I was mad at myself.
“But I went through so much with Taylor. It messed me up bad, and I don’t know if I can go through it again.”
His confession caused the tears to overflow, and I struggled to open the door with blurred vision, crying out when I was unable to unhook my seatbelt before his thick fingers circled my wrist, preventing me from leaving.
“You’re an asshole,” I spat, but my entire body was shaking with embarrassment as my sobs grew louder.
“I know,” he whispered into my hair as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his chest, holding me while I cried. He was right about me. I was a stupid little kid.
October 6, 2010
“Why you cryin’, Peanut?” My Daddy asked, his palm gliding over my hair. I knocked his hand away, and he chuckled.
“I’m not a dog,” I snapped, sniffling.
“Who hurt your feelings? I’ll go whoop their ass for ya’.”
I shook my head, but I couldn’t suppress a grin. I knew if I told him, he would defend my honor in a heartbeat. That was my favorite thing about him. He was loyal to a fault.
“Momma.”
I blew out a heavy breath as he shook his head. “I don’t wanna go back on my word, but I can’t go knockin’ around your momma. It wouldn’t be proper.”
I shrugged, annoyed. He laughed. I always loved the deep tone of his laughter. It was contagious.
“Come on now,” he sighed, the calloused pad of his thumb rubbing under my eyes to wipe away my tears. “You know I can’t stand to see you cry.”
“Is it true, Daddy? Do you do all those bad things Momma said?” I looked up in his eyes, blinking back the tears that hadn’t yet fallen.
“Sometimes we have to do things that ain’t always right, Peanut. But it doesn’t change who I am. I’m still your Daddy. And you’ll always be my little Peanut.”
I smiled as he tucked my hair behind my ear before tapping my nose with his fingertip.
“No one is ever going to hurt you again. I promise.”
After a few minutes of more humiliation, I was finally able to pull myself together. I pushed back from Ford, too embarrassed to look him in the eye as I wiped the dampness from my face.
“Just take me home.”
“Emery –”
“You promised, Ford.”
Clearing his throat, he pulled the car back on the road and continued on toward our housing area as a classic rock ballad hummed quietly in the background.
The minutes ticked by so slowly it felt like hours, and when we finally turned onto Maverick Street, my stomach was in knots. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but mostly I wished I’d never answered my door when he came over.
The
person I had him built up to be in my mind was an impossible standard for him to live up to. He wasn’t the hero in one of my stupid books, he was just some teenage boy with a chip on his shoulder. A stupid, cute boy who actually wanted to get to know me and I was pouting like a baby because I knew once he did, he wouldn’t want to be near me. I felt like I was ready to have one of my attacks, but the dread was accompanied by another feeling, a rush. I felt safe tonight, in the midst of all the chaos. I liked it. He felt familiar and brand new all at the same time.
Here I was, at that moment I would remember for the rest of my life. I could leap. I could take this moment and seize it. But as my fingers fidgeted with the door handle, I couldn’t think of any clever or witty one-liners to break the tension. I’d already scared him, and he was looking for a reason to dump me at my doorstep. The only thing left to do was, to be honest; that genuine honesty he spoke about that could only come without the fear of consequences.
My eyes danced over the front of my home, my gilded cage. We weren’t rich like Ford assumed, but to a beggar, a dollar could mean the difference between going to bed with a full stomach or starvation. What I saw as comfortable could have meant something entirely different to him.
It was just like what I saw when I looked at him, something money couldn’t buy. He was freedom. He was the very epitome of the word. He answered to no one and came and went as he pleased. No one could hurt Ford like they’d hurt me, because he had no one left. Jealousy fluttered inside me.
“If I talk to you about the medication, is the night still over?”
He looked down at his lap before finally turning toward me. “I’m not sure,” he confessed.
I exhaled, thinking that over. That would have to do.
“Well, I guess the real reason is my momma thinks that medicine can fix anything. Your daughter has no friends? Give her medicine,” I joked earning me a smile, but it wasn’t genuine. “Ugh. Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Give me that look.” I understood now why it bothered him earlier when I apologized after hearing about his girlfriend. It didn’t feel good to be pitied.
“So, what, you don’t like to be around people?”
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