Tainted Butterfly

by Terri Anne Browning

  “I would never want to. Never,” he vowed with a fierceness that made my smile a little less forced.

  “Then you won’t.”

  THIRTEEN

  Gray

  Kassa had said that things wouldn’t change between us, but I could feel that they already had. I tried not to let that scare the ever-loving shit out of me, but it was hard to tell myself that it was all going to be okay when our once carefree and open relationship was now tense and she was closing a part of herself off to me.

  All day, we did everything she wanted to do. Vegged out on the couch, watching crap chick flicks and comedies that would have normally had her rolling with laughter beside me but barely had her giggling. She sat right beside me, but not cuddled into me, keeping nearly a foot of space between us. When she talked to me, she didn’t completely meet my gaze.

  I tried to excuse it by telling myself that she was just feeling raw after what had happened in the kitchen, that she would get over it and we could go back to how everything had been before I had ruined it by letting things happen in her bed that morning. But anxiety sat heavily on my chest.

  I wanted a redo of the entire fucking day.

  By dinner, she was relaxing a little more, but when she was ready to go to bed, she didn’t ask me to come with her.

  “I need a shower,” she muttered. “I’ll see you in the morning before you leave?”

  Disappointment twisted in my chest, but I gave her a smile and nodded. “Yeah, caterpillar. I’ll say goodbye before I leave, okay?”

  “Promise?”

  That quiver in her voice stabbed straight through my heart. “Promise.”

  While she went upstairs, I flipped through channels and tried to think of how I could fix this thing between us. I loved that girl too much to even chance hurting her, even if that was what I had done earlier. But I hadn’t lied to her. I knew what love was; it was what I felt for her. So I knew I wasn’t in love with her.

  With how my father and my mother’s relationship had been, I didn’t think I could fall in love with anyone. It felt like a trap, like a life sentence.

  Fuck that shit.

  Around ten thirty, Alicia finally came home. I was still in the living room, still flipping through the channels, too lost in my own head to find anything that would catch my attention for more than a few minutes. When she walked into the living room, a yogurt in hand and a warm smile on her face for me, she dropped right down beside me on the couch.

  “Kas already in bed?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah. I guess she got bored with me.”

  “I doubt that could ever happen,” my aunt said with a laugh. “The way you two are, I’m pretty sure you could sit in a room and never even speak a word and still never get bored with each other’s company.”

  She was right; we could have done that. Yesterday.

  Today, things had been different.

  I turned on the couch so that I was facing Alicia. In all the years I had lived with her, I had never seen her get involved with anyone. Jace had always joked that she was married to her job, and I had agreed with him.

  “Have you ever been in love?” I asked her.

  Her eyes widened and her cheeks turned pink. It was the first time I could ever remember seeing her blush before.

  “That’s a pretty personal question,” she said.

  “We’re family. I figure I have a right to know if my favorite aunt has ever been in love or not.”

  She grimaced. “You have a point I guess. And the answer is yes, I have been in love. Once.”

  Her answer only made me more curious. “Didn’t it work out?”

  “It didn’t get the chance to work out,” she told me, a sad look crossing her face as the pink that had filled her cheeks earlier faded. “I loved him and he loved me. We were engaged to be married and I was already planning our wedding. We went to Vegas for our bachelor and bachelorette parties. One night, we were all out and saw some girl being mugged. He rushed over to help her before any of the rest of us could even move.” She swallowed hard and put her barely touched yogurt down on the coffee table. “The guy shot him before he could even reach the girl.”

  “Hell, Alicia. I’m sorry.” I wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in close. I rubbed my hand up and down her arm, and she laid her head on my shoulder.

  But she didn’t cry. Her eyes were dry and haunted as she looked up at me. “It was a long time ago, sweetheart. I moved on eventually, but no one could have every replaced Peter in my heart. I finally realized I wasn’t going to be happy with anyone else, that they would only ever be second best, and that wasn’t fair to anyone. That was when I decided to adopt, and a year later, Kassa and Jace came into my life.” Her smile was brighter now, her eyes losing some of that haunted look. “And I found out that there is more than one type of love in the world. That there are different types of relationships that can make a person happy and give them a reason to get out of bed every morning. When you came to live with us, I felt like my family was complete.”

  “I’m sorry Peter died,” I muttered, unsure what else to say after all of that.

  “You remind me a lot of him, actually. Maybe not in looks. Peter looked like a Viking with his nearly white-blond hair and those big, blue eyes of his, but you act just like him sometimes. You protect those you love, Gray, but especially Kassa. And the way you look at her, sometimes I can picture Peter looking just like that at me.” She patted me on the cheek and stood. “That kind of love doesn’t come around often, sweetheart.”

  “I don’t love Kassa the way Peter loved you,” I rushed to tell her, my heart suddenly beating so fast that it was choking me. “You and Peter were in love, Alicia.”

  Her eyebrows lifted at my adamant tone. “And that’s not the same as what’s between you and Kassa?” When I didn’t answer, she gave my shoulder a firm squeeze. “Goodnight, honey. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  ***

  I slept like shit that night, tossing and turning and dreading having to leave the next morning. My bed felt lonely and cold, and I had to fight with myself not to go climb into Kassa’s bed.

  Around four, I finally gave the fight up and left my room. Kassa had left her TV on again, but it was on one of the SiriusXM music channels. As I crossed the room, I saw that she was curled up in the middle of the bed. She was dressed in my shirt again, holding one of her pillows to her chest.

  As I looked down at her, my heart pounded in my chest so hard that it hurt. Clenching my jaw, I carefully crawled in beside her. My arms went around her and pulled her back into my front. I pressed my lips to the back of her head, inhaling deeply to get a whiff of her mint and raspberry shampoo.

  “I miss you already,” I whispered close to her ear. “How am I going to survive the next few months, Kas?”

  She stirred, moaning softly as I pressed my entire length against her body. “G-Gray?”

  I kissed her neck, felt her shiver, and my body tightened, but I didn’t pull away from her. Instead, I held her lower body harder against mine and started humming the lullaby that, to me, was hers. She let out a soft sigh and turned in my arms. Her arm went around me and she buried her face in my chest.

  “Love you,” she mumbled sleepily.

  I closed my eyes, surprisingly fighting the sting of tears. “Love you more.”

  A small smile teased at her lips, and she cuddled deeper.

  I held her while she slept, softly rubbing her back and humming her lullaby until the sun came up. Then I forced myself to kiss her forehead and untangle her from around me. “Bye Kas,” I whispered as I leaned back over her. Then I kissed her cheek.

  Her eyes jerked open before I could straighten. “You’re leaving?” she whispered, her chin trembling.

  “Yeah, baby.”

  Those triple-blue eyes filled with tears, but she tried to give me a brave smile. “Call me later?”

  “You know I will.”

  Her fingers stroking over my cheek. “I miss you already.�
��

  “Me too.” I caught her fingers and brought them to my lips. “Be good, okay?”

  She nodded, two tears spilling over her lashes and onto her cheek. “I love you.”

  “I love you more, Kas.” I released her and forced myself to straighten. After one last smile down at her, I turned and left.

  I grabbed my things from my room and went downstairs. Alicia was standing beside the coffee pot, a mug of coffee in her hand and a disposable cup waiting on me. With a small smile, she handed it over and stood on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

  “Love you, honey. Have a safe flight. Call me when you land, okay?”

  I dropped my bag and set the cup of coffee on the counter. Then I bent and lifted her into a tight hug. “I love you. You know that, right?”

  Her arms wrapped around me and she kissed my jaw. “I know, sweetheart. I know.”

  I carefully placed her on her feet. “Stop working so hard. Take it easy and enjoy life a little more.” I touched a finger to her cheek. “There’s more to life than work, Alicia. Take Kassa on vacation. Go to the beach. Take a cruise. Do something with her instead of leaving her alone all the time.” My tone was scolding, and we both knew she needed it.

  Her face fell a little. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t tell me. Tell Kassa. She’s the one who ends up all on her own at the end of the day.” I gave her a small peck on the cheek. “Don’t let these last few months with her pass you by. Soon, she’s going to be in California with me and Jace, going to college. She’s going to be too busy for any of us. Don’t waste what time you still have with her.”

  “I won’t,” she murmured softly, regret filling her eyes. “I promise.”

  “Good.” I picked up my bag and the coffee. “Love you.”

  “Love you too, honey.”

  I left her standing there with a lost look on her face, and I felt bad for having gotten onto her like that, but it had needed to be said. Alicia had been wasting the time she had with just Kassa in the house, and if she didn’t do something soon, she was going to regret it.

  Outside, I climbed into the rental car and started it but didn’t immediately back out of the driveway. My gaze went up to Kassa’s window. I wanted to go back in and hug her one more time, wanted to tell her that I loved her again. Instead, I just sat there, missing her.

  There was a movement in the window, and in the next moment, I saw her looking down at the car. Two seconds later, I got a text.

  I meant what I said. I love you. But nothing has changed. It never will. You’re still my best friend.

  I swallowed hard as I read and reread those words.

  You’re my best friend too, Kas.

  FOURTEEN

  Kassa

  Gray age 23

  Kassa age 18

  For New Year’s, Alicia surprised me by taking me to Nashville for a few days, and we watched the ball drop in a crowded club with at least two hundred people. She let me have a glass of champagne, and we left the club with glitter and confetti in our hair, but it was a great night for both of us. I had been so caught up in having fun with Alicia that I had almost forgotten about how much I missed Gray and my brother.

  Over the next few weeks, we spent a lot of time together. Definitely more than we had been spending together in the last year. Two nights a week, she came home early from work and we actually had dinner together. And, on Saturday nights, we went to a movie and gorged on popcorn and nachos. It didn’t even have to be a good movie; we always found something to watch.

  It made missing the guys a little more bearable, and I soaked up the time Alicia was giving me. I didn’t know what had happened to make her stop working as hard and finally spend a little time with me, but whatever it was, I was thankful for it.

  When Alicia didn’t come home early in the evening, I went to the gym and worked out for a few hours. AJ kept me company for a little while each of those evening, and crazily enough, it felt almost like I had a fatherly figure with him. He watched out for me, made sure I was okay and that school was going well. A few times, I did homework at the front desk while he kept me company.

  On Valentine’s Day, two flower arrangements showed up at school for me and two went to Alicia’s office for her, one from Jace and the other from Gray. Jace sent me an assortment of flowers that made me smile because they were so colorful and sweet-smelling. The flower I got from Gray broke my heart a little. It was a single white rose with a plastic purple butterfly holding a card.

  Love you more—G.

  When I got the flowers and that note, I held my tears back, not wanting anyone to see how broken I was. I waited until I got home and climbed into the shower, the water beating down on me, before I gave in and let the tears fall. Sob after sob felt like they were tearing my insides open, but I couldn’t stop them.

  Things between me and Gray had gone back to the way they had been before I’d nearly ruined everything. It had been easy because I wasn’t face-to-face with him, and even though I missed him like crazy, I was thankful for the physical distance between us. I was able to put a smile on my face when he called or texted, able to pretend like my heart wasn’t breaking every time I talked to Jace and he let slip that Gray was off with some random chick. He was screwing around more than he had been before his visit home, it seemed.

  I couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to fuck me out of his system, but I would chastise myself every time I thought about it. What had happened between us was probably completely out of his mind. He didn’t need to think about me when he had an entire state of chicks begging for his attention every night. Attention he apparently was all too willing to give. I was completely out of his mind when he was hooking up every night.

  After I had wasted all the hot water with my cry-fest, I got ready and pretended I was fine as Alicia and I went out to dinner. We were each other’s dates that night. We even exchanged presents. A teddy bear with a leather jacket that sang “You Ain’t Nothing but a Heartbreaker” was her gift to me, and I gave her a huge box of chocolates I had already opened and eaten all the caramels out of.

  She cracked up laughing when she saw it. It was what I had always done as a little girl. We would give her candy for Valentine’s Day, but when she would open mine, they would all be mushed and the caramel ones would be missing.

  After dinner, we stopped for ice cream and then went home. It was a great night, and I loved how carefree Alicia seemed lately. She hadn’t had nearly as many headaches, or if she had, she hadn’t told me about them. But she seemed happier and that made me happy.

  We settled into our schedule, with twice-weekly dinners and movie night on Saturdays. Time flew, and now, I was just days away from graduating. Gray, Jace, and Kin were flying out for it and then I was going back with them. I was excited to move out to California, to start college in the fall, and get to see my brother and his girlfriend more. But my excitement was being crushed by two things.

  One, I didn’t want to leave Alicia. Before Christmas, yeah, sure, I had been all ready to go. She hadn’t ever been home and it’d felt like she hadn’t needed or even wanted me around. I had been counting down the days until I would be with people who did want me around. Now, we seemed closer than ever and I was going to miss her just as much as I had been missing Jace and Gray.

  But an even bigger thing was zapping all the joy out of something I had spent months upon months dreaming of doing.

  Gray.

  Or, rather, Gray and his masses of one-night stands that were sure to come. I didn’t kid myself by thinking that his different-girl-every-night-of-the-week routine would stop just because I was moving in with him and my brother. He hadn’t hid that kind of thing from me when he’d lived at home, so it wasn’t going to stop when we were under the same roof again.

  While I was almost despondent about leaving Alicia, she seemed more excited about my “new adventure,” as she liked to call it. She had taken me shopping the last two weekends to get me all new things for my room for t
he apartment I was going to be sharing with the guys. New sheets, pillow cases, curtains, and even towels and so much more. She’d packed them up and had them shipped so they were already waiting for me at the apartment.

  I didn’t know how it was possible, but I was bubbling over with excitement to see Gray again, even while dread made my stomach cramp to the point that I could barely eat that morning. I was picking him up from the airport and then making the same trip on Friday to pick up Jace and Kin because they couldn’t make it out until then. For the first time since I had met Grayson Knight, I wasn’t looking forward to spending alone time with him.

  I parked my car and ran to the airport. Traffic had been bad on the way due to ten-car pile-up on the interstate, and Gray’s plane had already landed at least twenty minutes ago. I had texted him to let him know what was going on, but he hadn’t messaged me back yet.

  As the doors slid open and I looked around at all the people picking their luggage up at baggage claims, I tried to mentally prepare myself for coming face-to-face once again with the man who was my best friend. I can do this, I assured myself. It was Gray. He loved me and everything was going to be just fine. We were fine. I had promised him that nothing was going to change, and I was going to keep that promise, dammit.

  Five minutes later, I still hadn’t spotted him. Concerned, I glanced at my phone to see if I had missed a call or a text from him and just hadn’t heard it. Maybe his plane had been delayed after all and he hadn’t turned his phone off of airplane mode yet. Or he was getting something to eat before he came out.

  Or maybe he’d met some chick on the plane and he was fucking her brains out in one of the family bathrooms.

  Pain choked me at that thought, and I wrapped my arms around my middle as I turned away from a group of people coming down the escalator. I didn’t want to think about Gray fucking anyone, but it seemed like that was all I thought about where he was concerned these days. I seriously didn’t want to go to California and see the proof of it, not when my imagination was working overtime thinking about it.