Sarah's Solace

by Sarah's Solace (epub)

  How long could I wait, though? I knew it was crazy to stay. Sawyer said he knew where he was, taking pleasure in knowing I was going insane wondering. I hated Sawyer. I would always be on my guard now.

  I picked up my torn drawing of Ethan. Sawyer scared the hell out of me, as determined as I was not to let it show, but I laughed sourly at how he was trying to eat at me by destroying my pictures of Ethan. Try all he wanted, but he could never destroy my memory of Ethan, or my love.

  I slowly hiked back to Monica’s car, cautiously looking for signs of Sawyer along the way and still hoping to see Ethan, but I saw nothing. It was a beautiful day, with the sun barely peeking its way through the trees. I was keenly aware of the birds singing, the wind blowing, and the rustle of leaves on the ground. As depressed as I was without Ethan by my side, I had a new perspective on life since my coma. I was more curious and more appreciative of everything life had to offer, even with the emptiness I felt.

  When I arrived at Phil’s, Monica was feeling much better. She quizzed me as soon as I got there.

  “So how did it go? I didn’t expect you back until late. Not a good sign.”

  Oh yeah, Brian. My alibi.

  “We didn’t hit it off as well as at the party.”

  “Oh no, really?”

  “No biggy. I wasn’t really that into him.”

  “You could have fooled me at the party.”

  My guilt set in again.

  “Anyway, you wanna come in and watch a movie with us?” she asked.

  “No, I’m sorry, but I really need to get home.”

  “OK,” she said with regret.

  She continued to pump me for information as she drove. “What’s up with you, Sarah?”

  “What do you mean?” I played stupid.

  “I mean this funk you’re in again. I’m sorry, I know you’ve been through a lot, but every time I think you’re doing better, you get into this mood again. I just worry about you, that’s all.”

  “I know.”

  “You can talk to me about anything, you know. We’re best friends.”

  “I know,” I answered and suddenly started to cry, finally releasing emotion from the fear I felt during my encounter with Sawyer, and my frustration with not finding Ethan.

  “What is it, Sarah?”

  I wanted so badly to tell her everything, but I couldn’t. Only she knew me too well. She knew I was hiding something.

  “I’ll be OK. I just need time,” I assured her, but I didn’t believe it.

  My parents were sitting on the front porch when I got home. I could tell my dad had been making an effort to spend more time at home instead of the office or with clients. My mom was in a good mood. She was wearing her favorite sweater and sipping on hot apple cider.

  “Hey, sweetie,” she said. She waved to Monica as she pulled away. “What did you girls do today?”

  “Oh, we just hung out at Phil’s.”

  She almost choked on her cider as she suddenly spoke. “Oh, by the way, a guy called for you earlier.”

  “Really?” Uh oh. My first thought was that it could have been Brian. I would have to make up something. He was a nice guy and someone I’d love to have as a friend, but that was all.

  My mom didn’t look happy as she continued. “Yeah, he said his name was Sawyer.”

  What? Sawyer? No! How? I tried as hard as I could to remain calm, even though I was freaking out, like I had just had the wind knocked out of me.

  “Who is he? I don’t remember you mentioning him before,” said my dad.

  “What did he say?” I calmly asked as I gripped the porch railing.

  Mom looked concerned. “Oh, he said he was leaving town and just wanted to say goodbye…but he hoped to see you again one day. How old is he anyway? He sounded older.”

  How dare he speak to my mother.

  “I’m…not sure,” I answered.

  “Well, I didn’t get a good vibe from him. Something in his voice was creepy.”

  “I don’t like him either actually. I’m glad he’s leaving town,” I said with disgust.

  “Well, you watch out for boys like that,” my father added.

  “I will.”

  I quickly went upstairs to my room and locked the door. I crawled into my bed, curled up with Blondie, and put on my headset, trying to relax and escape. I was ready for the day to end before it got any worse.

  My mom woke me up when it was time to eat. I wasn’t much for conversation at the dinner table, picking around my food with no interest.

  “You need to eat something, Sarah,” my dad insisted.

  “I know. I’m just not very hungry.”

  “You’ve been so quiet…since the accident,” he added.

  My mom then joined in on this unwanted topic. “We know you’ve been through a lot, but we’re worried about you. We’ve been worried about you even before the accident, ever since…”

  “Since Alexis died?” I asked, irritated. “What do you expect?”

  “Calm down, Sarah. Your mother and I have been through a lot too, but we all just have to be strong and try to move on. We miss Alexis every day, and now we worry about you every day, but we need to count our blessings and live the best life we can.”

  “Count our blessings? What does that mean anyway?” I knew I was taking my bad mood out on them, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I laughed, “We’ll just keep going to church to help us with our sanity and try to make sense of it all. I mean, we’re just supposed to accept all the misery and just be glad we have a roof over our heads and food on our table?”

  “Some people don’t,” my mom reminded me.

  I just rolled my eyes.

  “I know you’re still young, still trying to figure things out. It’s hard to be a teenager, especially after what you’ve had to deal with, but you have your whole life ahead of you, Sarah. The quality of that life will be up to you,” she told me.

  I knew she was right, but what I wanted more than anything was Ethan. At least my parents were lucky enough to have each other.

  I forced myself to eat a few more bites then asked to be excused, after promising them I would go to church again in the morning. I went back up to my room and watched show after show on television in an attempt to keep my mind off of everything. Eventually I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer and drifted off to sleep.

  I slept deeply…and dreamed. I felt happy in this dream. I was at my grandmother’s house, before she passed away years ago. I was very small, sitting at her 1950’s style kitchen table, with my feet tucked under my bottom for added height. My grandmother was wearing her apron, taking chocolate chip cookies out of the oven while I waited anxiously with my glass of milk. They smelled so delicious. I couldn’t wait to taste them, warm and sweet with gooey chocolate. The smell was so intense. It was the sweetest, most special smell ever. They were the smell of love, happiness, security and innocence. I savored the moment and didn’t want it to end…but I woke up.

  I sat up in my bed, still remembering the dream, still smelling the sweet cookies. I should have eaten more for dinner. My hungry stomach is causing these cravings. The smell would not fade, though. It was as if there were cookies actually baking in our oven downstairs. I looked at the clock. At 2:00 AM? No way. However, the smell was not fading. Where was it coming from?

  I noticed Blondie was scratching at my bedroom door, wanting to get out. Did she smell it too? I got up and opened the door. She went straight to my art room. I slowly opened the door, and she quickly ran in and barked.

  “Shh! Quiet, Blondie!” I whispered sternly.

  I noticed the smell was more intense in this room. I felt my way through the dark and turned on the small lamp by my drawing table. I heard Blondie still whimpering behind me.

  “Blondie, what is it?” I asked as I turned around.

  I gasped at what I saw. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

  “Ethan!”

  I ran over to him to put my arms around him. It was the stra
ngest thing I had ever felt since I had been a spirit myself. My body went right through him. It took my breath away and seemed to knock the wind out of him as well.

  “Careful, Sarah,” he laughed.

  He was smiling brightly. He was just as beautiful as I remembered him, more beautiful actually, like he was real but not real. He was glowing.

  Blondie was wagging her tail at him now. I could tell she remembered him from when we were here before, and she could sense from me that he was someone to be trusted, someone to love. Ethan hesitantly petted her, and she smiled at him, completely at ease.

  “You look different,” I told him.

  “Is that good or bad?” he asked.

  “You could never look bad,” I told him. I thought I could still see him blush.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” he said, with pain and yearning in his voice.

  He touched my cheek with the back of his hand. It didn’t feel human, more like a tingling vibration. It felt so good to have him touch me. It was impossible to be angry with him, but I had to let him know how disappointed I was that he hadn’t been with me.

  I started to tear up as I asked him, “Where have you been?” The hurt was present in my tone.

  He looked away guiltily and walked over to the window, slowly sitting down on the padded seat. He stared outside as he spoke to me. “I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away.”

  “Even though you promised me you would stay with me? You lied to me!” I whispered loudly. I wanted to yell at him, but I couldn’t wake up my parents.

  “I wasn’t sure what I was going to do actually, but I was absolutely certain that I needed to say whatever was necessary to convince you to come out of your coma. Your life wasn’t over. You needed to go back. You know I’m right.” He looked me in the eyes. “I did what I had to do,” he said firmly.

  “So you lied to me,” I repeated.

  When I watched you lying there, surrounded by your family and friends, returning to your life, it didn’t feel right to stay. I felt like I was interfering.

  “Interfering? With what?”

  “Your life, Sarah.”

  “I’ve been miserable without you. That is what’s been interfering with my life!”

  “That’s why I’m here now. Also, because you’re not the only one who has been suffering.”

  I wanted to touch him again. I sat down next to him. I slowly and carefully pushed his hair out of his eyes. His hair felt so soft, like feathers. He smiled at me and looked into my eyes.

  He gently took my face into his hands. Knowing he was about to kiss me, I felt nervous. Kissing a ghost was something I had never thought about before. In the past, I surely would have fled, screaming with fright. But I wasn’t scared of Ethan, I was just nervous with the anticipation of how the kiss would feel, like I was about to be kissed for the first time. I closed my eyes as I could feel my breathing getting heavier.

  My lips tingled as he touched them, first gently rubbing them with his thumb. I had never wanted to be kissed so badly. I kept my eyes closed and waited, barely able to stand it. Then I felt his lips on mine. It was the strangest feeling, yet I loved it. I couldn’t feel skin or moistness, or anything human. I only felt him. I could feel all of his emotions and spirit in our kiss. It went through me, sending sensations all through my body. I reacted passionately, kissing him back more deeply and intensely. I couldn’t get enough.

  Ethan was the first to pull away. He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me away from him. I opened my eyes, feeling like I was coming out of a trance.

  “Wow.” That was all I could say.

  Ethan laughed. “Yeah. That was different, wasn’t it?”

  I nodded and smiled. “Umm, hmm. Let’s do it again!”

  He continued to smile. “That might not be a good idea.”

  “So what now?” I asked and then quickly regretted the question, because I was afraid of the answer. How long would he stay with me?

  “Now you need to go back to bed. Don’t you have church in the morning?” he asked.

  “How do you know that? How long have you been watching me?”

  Knowing he’d been near me without me knowing really made me angry. He said he’d been staying away from me.

  He looked guilty again, acting like he realized he said too much. “Just since you were at the cabin,” he answered.

  I stood up and spoke too loudly, “You were there!”

  “Shh, calm down, Sarah.”

  The realization infuriated me. “You were there…when Sawyer nearly killed me today?”

  “Who do you think stopped him, Sarah?” he said, trying to stay calm and quiet himself as the memory of Sawyer’s actions enraged him.

  “So that’s what he meant, when he said he knew where you were?” It all made sense now. “You were there all along.”

  He nodded.

  “While I was afraid that either you had lied to me, or that something had happened to you. I was scared to death I would never see you again. But all along you were just hanging out at the cabin?”

  “I told you, I thought I was doing the right thing for you. Now I realize that I wasn’t.”

  “Don’t ever do that again, Ethan. Don’t ever leave without telling me.”

  “I won’t. I know my promises don’t mean much to you now, but I swear to you…I will never leave without telling you.”

  God help me. I believed him.

  “What about Sawyer? I was afraid he had done something to you.”

  “He can’t hurt me or keep me away, nor can I do anything to him. I wanted to kill him when he tried to hurt you today, only there was nothing I could do but convince him to stop. Actually he convinced himself to stop too. He didn’t really want to hurt you as much as he would like to destroy me.”

  “Because of Carla.” I added.

  “Yes, and because he’s jealous of us.”

  “Is he really gone now?” I asked, praying he was.

  “For now, I believe he is. I haven’t felt his presence anywhere.”

  “He said he had been spying on me.” I was chilled again at the thought. I suddenly remembered my drawing that he wrote on, and that he said I had been cheating on Ethan. Did Ethan believe that?

  “Ethan, I have to explain something to you. Something that Sawyer said about me.”

  He shook his head and waved his hands to stop me from continuing. “You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

  “No! I do! I met someone at a party who was nice to talk to and…he kissed me.”

  Ethan looked uncomfortable at the thought. He had already been hurt so much by Heather. How could I do that?

  “It meant nothing to me, though,” I continued to explain. “I was never going to see him again.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why not?”

  “You would be better off with someone else.”

  “What? No! No, I wouldn’t be! I only want to be with you, Ethan!”

  I felt panic again, scared that he would convince himself to leave me again for my own good. I could see him contemplating, and I stopped him before he could speak.

  “We deserve to be happy. I’m tired of everyone telling me what I should do for my own good. Can’t we just be happily together right now and not worry about the future?” I pleaded.

  I carefully put my arms around him, not through him this time. He was silent while he held me close.

  “OK,” he finally agreed.

  I expected more of a protest. This convinced me that he really did want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. I smiled widely as I looked up at his sweet face. “By the way, did you know you smell like chocolate chip cookies?”

  “I do?” he laughed. “They were always my favorite.”

  14. With Me in Spirit

  Ethan stayed with me in my bedroom all night. He refused to lie down on my bed. When I asked him if he didn’t trust himself, he jokingly said it was me he didn’t trust.

&nb
sp; We talked about everything. He was always so easy to be with, even more so than Monica, as close as we were. I felt like I was ruining our friendship by the way I had been keeping Ethan a secret from her. We used to tell each other everything. How was I going to keep my relationship a secret without everyone thinking I’d become an extreme loner? I tried not to worry about this, though. Nothing mattered to me more than being with him.

  I finally did sleep while Ethan rested on my floor with a pillow, but it wasn’t long before it was morning. I quickly got up to shower before my mom could come in my room trying to wake me. Even though I knew she couldn’t see Ethan, or at least I hoped she couldn’t see him, it still felt awkward to have him in the same room with her.

  When I returned to my bedroom in my robe and began picking out my dress for church, Ethan got up to leave the room.

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “You need to get dressed, so…”

  “But you’ve already seen me naked,” I winked.

  He blushed. “That was a different situation,” he said seriously.

  “So you’re going to leave the room every time I change clothes? You only made me turn around when you changed at the cabin?”

  “OK,” he said with a smile. “I’ll turn around then. I’ll try not to sneak a peek.”

  “Like I did?” I admitted as I tried not to smile.

  Ethan laughed and turned around, covering his eyes. I quickly changed, while he remained the perfect gentleman, of course.

  I felt awkward doing my hair and make-up in front of him, though. I had never done that in front of a guy before.

  “It’s no use,” he said.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “You’re already beautiful.”

  I shook my head. “You’re sweet,” I said.

  “I’m honest.”

  He walked over to me. “I wonder if I would mess up your lipstick if I kissed you.”

  “I don’t care,” I said as my pulse quickened.

  “Sarah!” I heard my mom yell.

  “Damn,” I said.

  Ethan smiled.