“Me too.”
I love you.
I had never said it out loud. I still wasn’t saying it out loud, writing it on a piece of paper like a chicken. I convinced myself that if I weren’t in a room full of people, that I would have spoken the words.
He stared at me intensely. He made me nervous for a moment, and then he said the words I longed to hear. “I love you too.”
I smiled and sighed with relief. I knew he meant it, but I also knew that it pained him to say it. I’m sure he was once again thinking of the impossibility of our situation, but I refused to think about that. We loved each other. That’s all that mattered.
“Sarah,” said my history teacher. He shook me out of my thoughts, out of my beautiful, private moment with Ethan that I had been waiting for. I was embarrassed and angry at him for interrupting, as he stared at me over his glasses.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t hear the question,” I answered.
“Because you’re obviously writing about something more interesting than the topic I’m discussing. Perhaps you’d like to share it with the class,” he suggested with irritation.
I felt my face burning with humiliation as several of my classmates turned around and smiled at me.
The bell rang suddenly, and I was literally saved by it. I cowered away and walked out the door before my teacher could say another word to me. Ethan, on the other hand, thought it was hilarious.
“I’ve never seen you so embarrassed,” he said. “It’s cute.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “I learned more at Priscilla’s party than in that class.”
“How many classes do you have left today?” he asked.
“Just one,” I said quietly. “My favorite. Art class.”
“Cool.”
As we entered the art room, I immediately perked up again. I loved art class. I loved the way the room looked and smelled. I always looked forward to drawing, especially when I knew we would be drawing people this time. I was tired of sketching pictures of fruit and landscape. I always preferred drawing people, trying to capture their emotion on paper.
“So, who wants to be our model today?” asked Ms. Givens.
I always thought she was a cool lady. A bit hippie and eccentric, always smiling and careful not to treat us like we were children. I wasn’t about to raise my hand, though. Not only did I not want to be the center of attention, but I was anxious to draw.
Gary, who was always willing to be the center of attention, quickly raised his hand. Several of us laughed, as we were not surprised.
“Thanks, Gary,” said Ms. Givens. “Take a seat in the middle here.”
We were all seated in a circle with our large sketch pads while Gary smiled, took a seat on the center stool, and started unbuttoning his shirt.
“Keep it on, Gary. This is not a nude. Your principal would kill me,” Ms. Givens said, trying not to laugh while the rest of the class did.
Gary shrugged his shoulders and buttoned up his shirt. I shook my head and rolled my eyes at Ethan.
“You’ve never used a nude model before?” Ethan asked.
“No, not yet,” I whispered.
“Well then…”
“What?”
“I don’t think I’ve embarrassed you enough today,” he said, barely able to contain his smile as he walked over to a nearby empty stool.
“Remember what you’ve learned. Use the techniques we talked about last week,” explained Ms. Givens, but I barely heard her.
I pretended to be looking at Gary, but my eyes were totally on Ethan who was slowly unbuttoning his shirt in my peripheral vision. He stared at me as he took his shirt off. I could feel my face turning completely red…but I didn’t want him to stop.
“I don’t see you drawing,” he said.
He was too far away to hear me reply. How could I concentrate? I could see Ms. Givens walking toward me. I had to start sketching, so I did. I started sketching Ethan, every beautiful detail of him. I pretended to be sketching Gary, glancing at him momentarily while I continued to sketch and stare at Ethan. He didn’t stop with the shirt.
“Remember, my clothing is only an illusion anyway,” he said as he unbuckled his belt.
I could feel my heart racing. I couldn’t believe he was doing this, here. However, I was completely turned on. I wanted to go to him, kiss him and touch him, but all I could do in this moment was draw. Once he was completely naked, he crossed his legs and posed with his chin resting on his hand. I laughed out loud, causing my nearby classmates to look at me like I was crazy. I ignored the stares and smiled at Ethan, then tried to concentrate on my drawing.
I nodded at Ethan when I was finished. He put his clothes back on and came over to look.
“Cool,” he said as he put his arms around me and kissed my neck.
I turned around to look at him, and noticed Ms. Givens standing behind me as well.
“Very good. I see you improvised,” she said, referring to the nudity in my drawing. The students sitting next to me tried to hide their laughs, but I didn’t care. I was sure Gary would be flattered.
“It looks like someone else’s features, though,” my teacher whispered to me. “Good looking guy,” she winked.
I couldn’t stop smiling as I packed up my things. I softly said to Ethan, “I got to show you off after all.”
The ride home with Monica was excruciating. I felt guilty for the fact that I barely spoke to her and barely listened as she continued to express the love she felt for Phil, her frustration with her teachers, her obsession with her appearance. I loved her, but she was really getting on my nerves.
The real reason for my frustration was obvious. I was so excited to have Ethan at school with me, and of course I loved his exhibition in my art class, but the whole experience was too close to what I wanted more than anything and knew I could never have. I wanted Ethan to be alive, real, someone I could touch and feel and be normal with. I wanted that more than ever, but I had to pretend that my desire was not making me unhappy. Any admission of my true feelings would only make him want to leave me again, because he believed it would be for my own good. I couldn’t let that happen, because I would rather have him as a spirit than not have him at all.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me, once we were alone again in my room.
I forced a smile. “Nothing.”
“You know, one thing you become really good at when you’re a ghost is reading people. Do you really think I can’t tell when something’s wrong?”
I turned away from him and began unpacking my book bag. “Nothing’s wrong, Ethan. I’m just frustrated because I want another car, but my parents are being impossible.”
He paused to study me, wondering if I was being honest with him, but then he decided to play along.
“Can you blame them for being afraid?” he asked.
“No, but they can’t protect me from everything forever. We never know what’s going to happen. We’re all going to die from something eventually.”
“That’s true,” he said sadly as he sat down on my bed.
“I’m sorry.” I needed to think more before speaking.
He smiled again. “Come over here,” he said as he patted the bed.
I snuggled next to him, taking in his smell and his warmth, and I put my head on his chest. I looked up at him and smiled. He gently pushed my hair out of my face and cupped my chin in his hand. I wanted him so badly. I wanted to tell him how much I desired him, but I couldn’t say it. Was he as frustrated as I was? Was he still really able to have those kinds of feelings? By the way he was looking at me, I believed he did. I could see it in his eyes. Did that mean he could read what I was feeling in my eyes? I closed them to be sure. I didn’t want to give it away. My body, however, had other ideas.
I felt Ethan lean down and kiss my eyelid. I kept my eyes closed as his lips traveled down to my cheek and then my neck. It felt so strange to feel the tingle and the warmth, without the feel of flesh, almost like the brush of a feather.
It felt so teasingly good, but kept me wanting more. He continued to go lower, and I couldn’t wait to feel what he would do next. My breathing intensified. I kept my eyes closed as the anticipation and desire were almost more than I could bear. That’s when the damn phone rang. I tried to ignore it, let it keep ringing, but it was relentless.
I opened my eyes to see that Ethan thought this was humorous. He was smiling and looking down at me. “Aren’t you going to get that?”
“I’ll let the machine get it.”
Ethan smiled and began kissing my neck again. I tried to tune out the machine picking up the call, and the voice that began leaving a message, until I realized who it was.
“Hey, Sarah. This is Brian. I’m not good with machines, but anyway…”
I panicked. I sat up as quickly as I could to answer the phone on my night stand. I had to answer before he could say another word that Ethan would hear. I felt a jolt go through my body as my arm went through him to get to the phone.
“Hello,” I said, looking down. My guilty eyes glanced at Ethan, but his expression was controlled.
“Hi. May I speak with Sarah, please?” Brian said.
“This is Sarah.”
“Oh, hey, how are you?”
“I’m fine. How are you?” I asked, trying to sound friendly. Why did he have to call? What would Ethan think now?
“I’m good. I’m glad I got in touch with you. Like an idiot, I lost your number, but I tracked down Barbara and she was able to get it for me. I’m sure you probably thought I wasn’t going to call.”
I was hoping actually. I really did like him, though. If I had never met Ethan, which I hated to imagine, I probably would be elated to meet a guy like Brian, but now…
After my awkward silence, Brian continued talking while I watched Ethan fiddle around my room, pretending not to listen.
“So, anyway,” said Brian as he cleared his throat. He sounded nervous, which made me feel more pangs of guilt. “I would really like to see you again, so I was wondering if you were free this weekend.”
I bit my lip. “Actually I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Oh…OK. Well, I understand if you have plans already. Maybe the next weekend? There’s a new art gallery opening, and I’d love to take you there.”
“That sounds really cool, but…” Another horrible silence.
“But…you do have a boyfriend. No more uncertainty.”
“I’m really sorry, Brian. I shouldn’t have...”
“Oh, no, it’s cool. A guy would be crazy to let you go, so I get it.”
I couldn’t help smiling. This guy was too sweet. I didn’t know what else to say, though.
“So, anyway…I’ll let you go then. Take care, Sarah.”
“You too. It was nice meeting you.” Dumb thing to say I was sure.
“You too. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I hung up the phone slowly before looking at Ethan. He had his back to me, playing with my necklaces hanging by the mirror.
“Sounds like you let him down easy,” he said softly. He didn’t sound too happy, though.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“Because, I feel like I was being a bad girlfriend to you, and I was leading him on.”
He turned around and smiled. “I like hearing you say you’re my girlfriend.” He leaned against my dresser and crossed his arms. “I’m not upset with you. You didn’t know if I was coming back, not to mention the fact that I’m dead.”
I cringed. “Don’t say that word!”
“It’s the truth, Sarah!”
I rolled my eyes. We were back to this again? Existing in the moment didn’t last long.
“Let me ask you this,” he said. “If you had never met me…”
I let out a deep breath of frustration and hung down my head.
“Listen to me!” he continued, frustrated. “If you had never met me, would you have gone out with him? Be honest.”
I paused before answering. He would know if I were lying. “Yes,” I answered.
He nodded his head as if to say he thought so.
I refused to let him continue. “It’s in your nature to always worry, isn’t it?” I said teasingly as I walked toward him.
“I worry about you. Life is precious. You know that. Every choice we make has significance,” he reminded me.
“I’m choosing to be with you. If you want me to be happy, then let me. Let me be with you, right here, right now, and stop worrying about the future every moment.” I started kissing his neck this time, careful not to push my lips through him. This made him smile again.
“You are very convincing,” he said as he put his arms around me. “Poor Brian.”
I laughed and held him as closely as I could.
16. Scheme
Sarah was sleeping hard as I lay on the bed watching her, just as daylight began to break. I loved her so much that it was painful. It was also an impossible situation. We both knew it. Sarah just refused to talk about it, and I couldn’t not worry about it, no matter how hard I tried. Why did this have to happen to me now? I never really loved Heather, not like this. I was selfishly thankful, though. I finally understood why I never went into the light before. I was waiting to really fall in love…waiting for Sarah, but it wasn’t fair to her. She had an actual life still ahead of her. She still had a chance to fall in love with a living and breathing man, someone whose flesh she could touch, someone she didn’t have to hide. She deserved everything life still had to offer her, and I was holding her back.
She turned to face me, slowly waking up, and cuddled close to me. I didn’t know what made me think I would ever have the strength to leave her. Why would I ever want to go into the light when I was already in heaven?
“Hey,” she said, smiling with her eyes still closed. “Good Morning.”
“Good morning.” I gently kissed her forehead. “I could see you slept well.”
“I did. You probably miss sleeping.”
“I miss being able to put my mind completely to rest, but I enjoy watching you sleep. You’re a sleeping beauty.”
“That’s really sweet, but I know what I look like in the morning, so I’m going to go freshen up,” she said. If she only knew how adorable she looked in her pajama pants and tank top, with no make-up and her hair wild, but she quickly headed to the bathroom.
A moment later she came back in, still brushing her teeth and trying to talk to me at the same time. “So…my parents have decided to go to the mountains for their anniversary. They asked me if I wanted to go, but of course I said no.” She was really excited as she ran to spit out the toothpaste and hurry back. “Pretty cool, huh? The house to ourselves for the weekend!”
“Really? Cool.”
I tried to act excited, and I was actually, but more so I was scared. She would tempt me even more this weekend. I could tell by the devious look in her eyes. I wished more than ever that I were still alive.
“Monica will be here in a few.” She slowed down to ask me, “You are coming to school with me again, aren’t you?”
“Of course. Do you have art class again today?” I asked her teasingly.
“You can pose for me again this weekend,” she said with a grin.
Monica was in an entirely different mood when she picked us up this time. I could feel the tension in the air. Of course Sarah noticed it too.
“Hey girl, what’s up?” asked Sarah, trying to pretend nothing was wrong.
“Not much,” Monica answered, not smiling or looking at Sarah.
An awkward silence followed.
“Well, I can tell something’s wrong,” Sarah pressed.
Monica’s voice was bitter. “Really? It’s frustrating when your friend won’t confide in you, isn’t it?”
“What are you talking about?” asked Sarah.
Monica wouldn’t answer.
“Come on, Monica! You’re obviously pissed at me about something.”
�
�You’re obviously more perceptive than I am, because I can’t tell when my best friend is lying to me.”
Sarah was silent. Monica rolled her eyes and then looked at her with her lips pursed.
“Where were you Saturday?” Monica asked.
This really caught Sarah off guard. She lied to her friend because of me. I wanted to be able to help defend her, but all I could do was listen. I put my hand on her shoulder for support.
“Saturday?”
“Because I know you weren’t with that guy Brian. Come to find out, he lost your phone number after the party, so he called Barbara, who called Phil, who called me to get your number. That was yesterday afternoon.” She gave Sarah a look of disappointment. “So, why did you lie to me? Where did you go?”
“Monica…I’m sorry. I…went for a drive.” She paused and swallowed. “I went to the scene of my accident.”
Monica’s tone quickly changed from anger to concern. “You did? You could have told me that. Why did you go there? I would have taken you.”
I wondered how far Sarah was going to go with this. Would she be willing to tell Monica everything?
“I know. I’m sorry. I just needed to think. I sort of needed to be alone too. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was going there, or they would worry about me.”
Good save. I just wished she could confide in her friend.
Sarah glanced back at me, looking guilty. I squeezed her shoulder to let her know I understood.
“I knew there was something you weren’t telling me. Are you OK?” Monica asked.
“I’m much better now. I’m sorry I lied, especially to my best friend.”
“It’s OK.” Monica smiled. “So did he call you?”
“Yeah.”
“You gonna go out with him again?”
“No.”
Monica shook her head in frustration. “I give up…for now.”
I stayed silent until we got to school and could talk quietly to each other.
“Why didn’t you tell her everything?" I knew why, but I was trying to sound innocent, hoping it would give her courage. Sarah hid behind her locker door as she spoke to me. “Are you crazy?” she whispered. “I love Monica, but she tends to see just what’s right in front of her. She’s very smart, just not very open-minded. Besides, I’m pretty sure everyone would think I was insane if I told them. Even the priest probably didn’t really believe me.”
Sarah's Solace Page 13