I turned back around to see Sarah and Veronica walking outside carrying trays. Sarah smiled at me. She looked angelic as the sunlight caught her hair.
They took a seat at the table by the pool, overlooking the huge backyard, outlined by bushes, tall privacy fences to each side, and a wooded area to the back. I hesitantly took a seat, not knowing exactly what to do or expect.
Sarah pointed at the pool. “Check it out, Ethan. Their pool is heated. Maybe we can go for a swim,” she winked.
I forced myself to laugh. She was in such a good mood, and I was about to ruin everything.
Veronica poured some tea for Sarah and herself. Sarah began nibbling on a sugar cookie.
“I crave cookies all the time when I’m with Ethan. He smells so sweet!” Sarah said.
I tried to force a smile.
She added, “Not all spirits smell so sweet, though. I know one in particular who didn’t,” she said with a chill.
“Aren’t you going to try the tea? It should be cool enough,” urged Veronica.
“Oh yeah,” answered Sarah, slowly taking a sip. “Wow. That is good. What’s in it?”
“I can’t remember exactly,” lied Veronica. Then she tried to change the subject. “Speaking of different smells, what other types of ghosts have you seen?”
I would have chosen a different subject, but I appreciated the diversion. I felt sick about what we were doing.
“Well, the only ones I’ve seen are the ones I met when…I never told you exactly how Ethan and I met, did I?”
Veronica looked at me sadly, then back to Sarah and smiled. “No. You haven’t actually.”
“It was when I was a spirit,” explained Sarah.
This caught Veronica by surprise. “What?”
“Yeah, when I was in my coma.”
“I didn’t…even realize that was possible.”
Sarah took another sip of tea before she continued. “I didn’t either, until later. When I first met Ethan in the woods, after my accident, I didn’t know he was a spirit.” She took another sip. “This is really good…um...anyway once I found out…” She stopped mid-sentence and closed her eyes for a moment then continued, “Once I found out, I realized I was a spirit too. I really thought I was dead.” She inhaled and exhaled slowly. “I feel really tired all of a sudden.”
Veronica looked at me and bit her lip. So far, our plan seemed to be working. Neither of us knew what to say. I gave Veronica a pleading look. How much time did I have?
Veronica got up from the table, using the excuse that she needed to use the restroom.
I moved closer to Sarah and put my hand on her knee. “Are you OK?” Although I knew the cause, I was still really concerned about the effect.
“I feel tired and…like I’m little out of it. Maybe I’m coming down with something.”
“I’ll go see if I can find a thermometer. I’ll be right back.”
I rushed inside to talk to Veronica. She was standing by the bay window, keeping her eyes on Sarah. She heard me come in, but didn’t look my way. “You have about 10 minutes,” she said firmly.
“OK.” I struggled for the words. “Thank you.”
“Thanks for what?” she snapped. “For deceiving my friend?”
“For being her friend. I’m counting on you to take care of her. You’re the only one who knows everything.”
“I’ll always be there for her,” she promised, looking at me while a tear rolled down her cheek.
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “For both of us.”
“I know…and I know you’re doing the right thing. I just hate to see her go through this.” She wiped her eyes and looked back out at Sarah. “You better hurry,” she told me.
I quickly gave her a hug. I kissed her head as she hugged me back, and then I ran back outside.
Sarah had moved to the lounge chair and lay there with her eyes closed.
I kneeled beside her and nudged her shoulder. “Sarah. Sarah, are you awake?”
She mumbled but did not lift her head.
“Sarah, get up!” I said louder. “You can’t fall asleep yet!”
She slowly began to stir more, opening her eyes as she turned toward me. I moved her hair out of her face.
“Why am I so tired?” she asked.
“Sarah, listen to me, OK? You have to really listen to me now.”
“What is it?” she asked with concern.
“I hope you’ll forgive me, and I hope you’ll never forget how much I’ll always love you. Nothing can take that away from us.”
“Forgive you for what?”
I looked at the lawn and at the bright light that was moving in closer and closer. It knew I was ready. It was brighter than I had ever seen it and pulling me in with such force. Even though I believed it was my choice to walk into it, I could feel its impatience, as if I really no longer had a choice.
“I have to go now, Sarah.” I wanted to release my tears, sob loudly and curse, but I had to keep it together. These would be our last words until I would see her on the other side.
“Go where?” She seemed to be waking up a bit, fear giving her energy.
I couldn’t speak, but my expression answered for me as I looked her in the eyes and rubbed her temple with my thumb.
“No!” She tried to get up but couldn’t. She slumped back into her chair.
“I have to, Sarah. You know that.”
“Not today!” she pleaded.
“You’ll say the same thing tomorrow.”
“No!” she said louder. If it weren’t for the tea, I was sure she’d be screaming.
“We only have a few minutes. So if there’s anything you want to say to me, say it now.”
She was crying now as she threw her arms around me. My heart couldn’t take it.
“Ethan! What am I going to do without you?”
I slowly put her arms back in her lap and covered her hands with mine. “You’re going to do everything you promised me you would do.”
Her energy wasn’t lasting as long as she wanted it to. She couldn’t fight the power of the natural drugs that were in her tea.
“I don’t…want to live without you,” she said as her eyes got heavier.
“Don’t ever say that, Sarah!”
I lifted her chin up, and she began to open her eyes again.
“Promise me you’re going to do all those things we talked about. Remember? College? Europe? All of your dreams. You have to promise me you’ll make them come true, or in any case, you’ll choose to be happy.”
I even wanted her to fall in love again and forget about me, but I knew better than to suggest it now.
“Promise me, Sarah. I’ll always be there for you. I’ll be waiting for you, but I don’t want to see you for about 80 years.” I smiled a bit at the last part, but we both knew it wasn’t funny.
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you so much that I have to do this. It is for the best and we both know it.”
So this was it. I couldn’t believe this was really it. I had been putting it off for so long, because I wasn’t ready. I believed I was meant to love Sarah, but now I had to go for Sarah. She would be happier without me.
I put her face in my hands and kissed her slowly, savoring her kiss and wanting time to stop.
Her energy was gone, but I still felt the passion of her kiss. I would kiss her again one day, far into the future when she joined me. I had to believe that.
As I finally released her, I lay her back down on the chair. I had to go before she closed her eyes again. I promised her I wouldn’t leave while she was sleeping, but she was subdued, and she would fall asleep the moment I was gone. That was the plan.
I kissed her again quickly on the lips, her forehead, and then both her cheeks. I stood up slowly, and forced myself to let go of her hand. The light was right next to me now. All I had to do was touch it.
Sarah’s eyes looked surprised as she gazed behind me, like she could see the light as well.
I coul
dn’t say goodbye. “Keep your promise to me, Sarah,” I told her. “I’ll love you forever.”
She no longer had the energy to speak, but her eyes said it all. I had to turn away from her, but I knew she was still watching me as I walked into the light, allowing it take me in completely until I slowly faded away.
BOOK TWO
***
In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.
Edgar Allan Poe
“A Dream” (Verse 1)
28. Onward
“Wake up,” I heard him saying.
I didn’t want to. I wanted to give in to my urge to keep sleeping. I pulled my blanket back over my shoulders, turning my head in the other direction from the voice.
He nudged my arm. “Hey, you better wake up. We’re about to land.”
Land? There was brightness now. I could see red through my eyelids as I felt the turbulence beneath me, my mind slowly beginning to register my surroundings. The sound of the plane was getting louder. I must have been sleeping really hard not to hear it before.
I opened my eyes, squinting at the morning sun outside my window. Coffee would have to be a priority before taking a cab home. I sat up in my seat and quickly began freshening up and gathering my things.
The man next to me smiled. “Must have been a good dream,” he said.
“Not always,” I replied.
“Well, it is good to be home, though. You live in San Francisco, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too. So, what do you do?”
I started to remember. This man was hitting on me before I fell asleep, and now he was trying to pick up where he left off. He was cute; with blue eyes, dark hair, and a nice smile, but I didn’t want to jump into a date as soon as I got back. I would be too busy with work, plus I simply wasn’t in the mood. I just wanted to get off the plane.
“I own an art gallery,” I replied curtly, so not to encourage him.
“Really? You must have really enjoyed Paris then?”
I smiled widely, already reminiscing. “I always love Paris.”
Even after we exited the plane and headed across the airport to pick up our baggage, it was clear that he wasn’t ready to give up.
“So, what’s the name of your gallery?” he asked.
We were instantly interrupted by an excited blonde woman with two small children at her side. She ran up to the man and threw her arms around him.
“I’m so glad you’re finally home!” she said, before he smiled and kissed her.
He then bent down to hug the children, a boy and a girl who were about four or five years old. It was obvious that they were his.
“Honey, where’s your ring?” his wife asked him.
He noticed me still watching him out of the corner of his eye as he shrugged his shoulders. “I lost it,” he said.
I shook my head and walked away.
After taking a few sips of my hazelnut coffee, I leaned back in the cab seat and closed my eyes again. I would miss the cafés in Paris. It was so easy there. I loved to just sit and watch the people, often drawing them. And the women were so stylish. I would have to talk Monica into coming with me next time if I could drag her away.
I was happy to be home, however. I was also glad I took the time to clean my apartment before I left. It would help keep me from feeling down when I walked in. At least new artwork would be shipped to me from Paris for the gallery and a few paintings for my apartment as well. I liked to keep the walls white, the furniture simple, and the clutter to a minimum. I wanted the art to stand out instead.
We arrived before I knew it. Had I fallen asleep again? The weather was warm, and I began to sweat as I struggled up the stairs to my apartment with all of my luggage. My bags were packed a lot heavier for the trip back. I was never a shopaholic, but in Paris I couldn’t help myself. I had no inhibitions there.
The air was musty when I entered. I should have opened the window, but I turned on the AC. I was sure that my kitchen cupboards were empty and my mailbox was full, but I decided that it could wait. Everything could wait until later. The coffee didn’t work, so I would try to free my mind and rest before getting back to reality.
However, I realized I would have to deal with Monica, as her messages were about to make my phone explode. I finally answered.
“Hey, Monica,” I said sleepily.
“Sarah! You’re back?”
“Yeah, I just got home.” It was really good to hear her voice. “How’s everything going?”
“Fine. Just getting ready for school to start. You know how that goes. So, how was it? Actually that’s a dumb question, because I’m sure it was fabulous!”
I smiled. “It was. You’re coming with me next time, right?”
“Maybe one day. I want to hear all about it tonight, though!”
“Tonight?”
I wanted to get over my jet lag first.
“Have you seriously forgotten that it’s your birthday?”
I was trying to.
“Veronica and I are taking you out to that new sushi place!” she continued. She waited for me to answer. “You’re hesitating, but you’re not getting out of this. How often do I get to go out on the town?”
She did need it. I wouldn’t want to disappoint her. I opened my mouth to answer, but she spoke again.
“Your ass better be ready at 8:00,” she said.
“OK, OK!” I answered, laughing. I knew I’d feel better by then, and I did miss them.
I took a cab to the restaurant instead of driving. Since it was my birthday, I was sure there would be rounds of martinis ordered. It was raining softly, but I was in a sunny mood actually. After a long nap, I finally felt refreshed and ready to hang out with the girls.
I did manage to unpack, since I had to dig out my gifts for Veronica and Monica. I also came across my new dress. It was black and gold, lacy and sexy, but not overly so. I had to admit that I felt hot in it, so I put on extra eye make-up as well to play it up. I kept my hair simple, pulled back in a loose twist.
When I arrived, they were already waiting for me at the bar. Veronica looked gorgeous. She was dressed in tight black pants with high-heeled sandals, and a silky purple halter blouse that went well with her long, straight black hair. Monica looked effortlessly pretty in a navy blue strapless dress, blonde curly hair, and very little make-up.
I snuck up behind them as they talked and laughed. “Hello, ladies,” I said with a smile.
“Sarah!” Veronica yelled.
I hugged them both, realizing more than ever how much I missed them.
Monica kissed both of my cheeks. “Isn’t this how they do it in Paris?” she asked.
“How do they do it in Paris?” Veronica joked. “You mentioned something about a guy you met over there.”
Monica looked at me suspiciously. “Well, well. I want to hear all about this in detail, but let’s get our table first.”
I prepared myself to be cross-examined once we took our seats. It wouldn’t hurt to indulge them. I couldn’t be secretive about everything in my life.
“You look beautiful, by the way,” Monica told me. “Paris makes you glow.”
I smiled. “I do feel good. I needed to get away.”
“Well, tonight is my get-away, and I feel great!” Monica added.
“You need to get out of the house more often,” Veronica told her. “So, out with it, Sarah!”
I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Well, his name is Victor. I met him a couple of days after I arrived.”
“And?” asked Monica.
“And we had a really good time. He’s about my age. He smokes, which I hate, but I was willing to overlook it.”
“That means he was really hot,” Veronica explained to Monica.
I laughed and nodded in agreement. “We had a lot of fun. He owns a café, which is where we met. We hit it off immedi
ately.”
They waited for me to continue as I thought about how much I should say.
“You did sleep with him, right?” asked Veronica. She never hesitated to be blunt.
“She better have,” Monica told her.
“We had some wonderful nights together,” I admitted. “But you know…” I waved my hand as if to blow it off. “It was just a fling.”
“Why? And you better have a more valid reason than the fact that he smokes,” Veronica told me.
“Because…I’m here and he’s there.”
My friends gave each other a look as if they were thinking the same thing as Monica rolled her eyes.
“What?” I asked.
We were interrupted by the waiter asking for our orders, saving me from more interrogation. I tried to center the rest of our dinner conversation on what was going on in their lives instead of focusing on mine. Veronica’s career had been on a downward spiral since the real estate market had declined, so she had been thinking of going into a new direction. Instead of selling houses, she was re-decorating them, and she was off to a good start. She was also single, just dating here and there like I had been. I found it interesting that she wanted to badger me when she did the same thing.
Although Monica liked to occasionally gripe that she had no life, she was actually very happy. Her two little children kept her very busy while her husband pursued his career in politics. I couldn’t believe how big her children were getting when she showed me their recent pictures. But as much as she enjoyed her time with them, she was looking forward to going back to work as a psychiatrist soon. I was having a great time catching up with them, eating my favorite sushi and drinking apple martinis.
“Oh, I almost forget about your gifts!” I exclaimed as I reached into my oversized bag.
“It’s your birthday, Sarah. Why are you bringing us gifts?” asked Veronica.
“You really think I’d go to Paris and not bring you back something?”
As they opened their gifts, I was relieved to see their delight. I bought Monica a pair of delicate gold and emerald dragonfly earrings. For Veronica, an expensive bottle of her favorite French perfume, which she was already spraying on.
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