I’m not ready to be a mom. God, I’m not ready. How can I be a mom when my own mom couldn’t be one? I don’t even know how to love it. Him... her...
There’s still time to get rid of it. I don’t have to do this.
No. He’d taken my youth and ripped it to shreds. I wouldn’t do the same thing to this child.
It was warm, so warm that I wanted to shrug out of the hoodie I was wearing and tie it around my waist. But the tank top underneath was full of holes and spattered with bleach stains. Not a great first impression. Whereas the hoodie, though also old, was clean and only a little faded from washing.
Patting a quick nervous hand over my hair, smoothed back in a swinging blonde ponytail, I took a deep breath. I could do this.
Straightening my shoulders and hefting the bag more snugly against me, I started walking again, towards the school and my future. It was still so early in the morning that birds were singing in the trees dotting the landscape.
And everything was going to be okay.
Silas.
I rolled my eyes at my partner, who was currently sitting in the back of the ambulance grinning from ear-to-ear as he texted his girlfriend. It had been a slow shift, only a false-alarm heart attack five miles away. We’d brought the guy to the hospital anyways, of course, but he could have stayed at home and been perfectly fine.
Well, perfectly fine other than the screaming, hysterical wife. She’d been like a dozen cats drowning in a tar pit.
Tanner laughed out loud and I sighed, not quite loud enough for the head-over-heels broad-shouldered, bear of a guy to hear, though.
Not that I had anything against Laurie; she seemed nice enough, if maybe a little ‘needs saving’ for my tastes. And I couldn’t imagine dating some chick who couldn’t talk to me, hold down a real conversation about something meaningful, something not totally bastardized by the world. Not that I had any romantic tastes nowadays. I pretty much kept to myself, because I simply didn’t have the drive to love someone, or pretend to like someone, which was more often the case no matter what people wanted to pretend. You didn’t fall into love with someone immediately, over coffee, staring deeply into their eyes for a hot second. You might fall into lust; you might fall into like; hell, you might even fall into ‘really like’, but you don’t fall into love like that.
Love takes work.
It’s earned. It’s not fucking easy. And sometimes it’s dark as shit and acrid as piss.
From what I could tell, Tanner had already bypassed ‘lust’ and ‘like’ and dived into ‘I think I’m in love’ and, shit, I’d like to slap him upside the head and knock some sense into him. He was heading straight into hurt. You have to protect yourself. The easier you go down, the harder it is to stand back up after you hit the damn pavement.
If you’re lucky, it’s like jumping from a second story window.
If you’re unlucky, it’s like jumping from the top of the goddamn Chrysler Building.
After Asher, I knew exactly what it was to fall one thousand and forty-six feet back down to the hard, unyielding Earth. It hurts. It breaks every bone in your body. Every. Damn. Bone.
For the millionth time, Tanner’s phone ‘pinged’. He was grinning even harder now.
“What, she send you some naughty pics?” I asked, offhand, knowing the answer before he said it.
“She’s not that type of girl,” he said, frowning at me. “Don’t rain on my parade today, Silas. We’re friends, but I won’t have you messing up my good mood.”
“You’ve been dating the girl for all of five weeks, Tanner. Don’t you think you’re going a bit fast?” I leaned back against the frame of the sliding glass doors. They wouldn’t open unless I slid my badge against the reader on the other side.
“Says the guy who hasn’t had a first date, let alone a second, the entire time I’ve known him.” Tanner quirks a light-hued eyebrow, daring me to deny it.
“If you don’t date, you don’t get burned.” I shrugged, shaking my head slightly and feeling the brush of my too-long hair skimming over my ears. It was still strange, despite the many months, being back to my natural dark brown hair color.
“And you don’t find love, man.” Tanner went back to his phone, obviously thinking he’d won. What he didn’t know was that his words were exactly my point. If you don’t find love, you can’t get burned. You can’t fall.
I planned to never fall again in my life. Maybe fuck, but not fall.
“Man, this night needs to hurry up.” Tanner stood up from the open back of the ambulance and slipped his phone into the cargo pocket of his uniform pants. “Laurie’s making breakfast and I can already taste her pumpkin waffles.”
“Pumpkin waffles? That what she calls them?” I made a crude gesture at chest level and watched Tanner go red in the face.
“Silas, I’m warning you.”
“You’re,” I pointed at him, “warning me?” I point at myself.
“Seriously, dude.”
“I’m just curious, man. I’ve heard them called a lot of things, but pumpkin waffles is a new one. What does she call,” I pointed at my crotch, “you know. I mean, is it something equally autumnal? Sweet potato casserole? I mean, sticking with the auburn hair theme. I assume that’s why she went with pumpkin for her tits.”
I knew as soon as I’d taken it too far. Tanner went from pink-cheeked to ‘angry Irishman after too many beers’ red. All he needed was the ginger hair to match his lady love.
“Shut the fuck up, man.” Tanner was close enough to throw a punch. He went for my shoulder and it pushed me hard against the door frame. And the dude is big, so it hurt like a mother.
“Shit. You know I was teasing.” I rubbed my shoulder. The pain though—it felt real.
“What is it with you, Silas? Sometimes I think you want to get fucking hurt. You’re gonna push the wrong guy too far someday,” Tanner shook his head, slid his badge against the reader so I had to rock forward and support my weight suddenly, and he disappeared into the hospital without a backward glance.
I thought about what he said, my should still twitching with the aftershock of the hit.
And I knew he was right.
I might not want to get hurt by love, but sometimes, hurting was the only way to feel something. Anything.
Anna.
“A single, huh? Damn, girl, daddy must have some money.” A tall girl with a ‘fro that nearly touched the top of the door frame was smiling at me. She was really pretty, with bright white teeth framed by smooth brown skin, and her voice, although teasing, seemed kind.
“No, not really. I guess it’s the scholarship?” I got that part out of the way. It’s college; a ton of us would be scholarship kids. It wasn’t like when I was younger, before dad died, and I was a fish out of water in the better part of town at the private middle school because my test scores earned me a place. Of course, after dad died, my grades slipped. You couldn’t stay on a pretty scholarship without the straight A’s to back it up. Everything had just gone to crap. I couldn’t think for missing him. I couldn’t function.
And Mom remarried so fast. She invited him into our lives so fast. I was thirteen when he came into my room for the first time. For the next five years, it happened weekly. Sometimes more than once. My current visitor’s voice brought me back to the moment.
“I’m here on a full and I didn’t get this.” Nat looked around the room, appraisingly. “Might have to move in with you if my roomy proves to be as annoying as she seems. Get this,” she walked into the room and perched on the edge of the uncovered mattress, “she’d already picked her bed and decorated most the room before I arrived. And I got here only thirty minutes after check-in started! She must have worked like the Flash to take over the room so fast.”
“Jeez. Sorry.” I looked around the single. It was about the size of my bedroom at home, but it had a door that locked. A door that locked and no stepfather.
“Not your problem. Seriously though,” she grinned, “leave me so
me space just in case. I don’t take up much room.” With that, she winked and headed out the door, just to return two seconds later, still smiling wide and winningly. “I’m Natasha, but go by Nat. Nat-Nat if you’re my annoying little brother. I’m in room 25B.”
“Anna, short for Annalise. No siblings.” I returned her smile, although mine was definitely more tentative than hers.
“I had a feeling I’d meet my college Bud-for-life on day one. Think I was absolutely right.” She winked for a second time and disappeared again. I half-expected her to turn right back around and poke her head in once more, but she didn’t.
I took my time organizing the room. I didn’t have much in the way of decorations, but this room was mine. This space was mine. I put everything down with a purpose. When I was done, I laid down on the still-uncovered mattress and wondered where the heck to go to buy sheets and how much they’d cost. I probably should buy a blanket also. I’d only squirrelled about five hundred away from my part time job. That had been three years of saving tips, because my stepdad always took my actual check as ‘rent’ money. He’d gotten nearly perfect at forging my name.
Five hundred dollars to my name and I knew I was going to need a lot more cash in the future. I rubbed my stomach. Babies aren’t cheap.
I considered saving the money and just sleeping on the mattress, but then I thought about how many other people had slept in this same bed, and I changed my mind. There had to be a bus stop around here somewhere. And a bus probably would stop at local shopping malls. It wasn’t a huge town. Place like this had to have one of those dollar-type stores. I didn’t need anything fancy, just something to cover up the mattress’s past exploits.
Walking out of the room, I nearly forgot to lock the door. I hadn’t had a locking door on my bedroom since my stepfather moved in. He’d told my mom that it was for my own protection, so they could check on me at night. His family had always had an open door policy too. It was a good way to grow up.
She never questioned him.
And that’s part of the reason I never told her.
Maybe I would have, had I had a smaller sister or brother to protect, but I was an only. It was just me. The best way to protect myself back then was to keep quiet.
Even when I didn’t want to do what he said, I still did. I shut my mouth.
Something about locking my dorm room made part of the heavy weight that had rested on my shoulders since leaving New Mexico go away. It wasn’t much, just a fraction of the burden, but it felt like ten pounds gone.
It didn’t take me long to find a bus stop. There was one in viewing distance from the front entrance to the dorm room. I probably even glanced at it as I walked up, but my mind had been elsewhere—thinking over the registration information, reading over my class schedule, following the small crowd of students heading the same way. There were a lot more girls here than boys, at least that’s how it looked right now.
I liked that.
The bus was a free shuttle, running from the college to the normal student haunts. When I hopped on, I asked the elderly man if he stopped at any shopping areas. He nodded and motioned to a little map mounted next to the steering wheel. “Several. Anything in particular you looking to buy?” He looked past me, to see if anyone was waiting to get on. There wasn’t anyone else. Just me and a kissing couple towards the back of the bus.
“Bed linens. Preferably cheap. Like, cheap-cheap.” I blushed a little, hating to admit that I didn’t have much money, even though a lot of college kids were short on pocket change.
“The kids seem to like the outlet store in Stonewall. That’ll be our third stop.” He turned from me to work the handle that closed the door. He didn’t look back, so I sat down in the seat right behind him.
On the third stop, before getting off, I asked the driver what time the bus would come back. An hour. Plenty of time.
The store was about what you’d expect of a discount store in a small town. Cracked, yellowed linoleum floors. Fluorescent lights pulsing above, ready to give someone a seizure from the visual stimulation. The home section was small, but neatly-organized, and I quickly found a set of twin XL sheets. They looked juvenile—a pastel print boasting feathers—but I didn’t care. No one was going to see my room, let alone my sheets.
The next aisle had comforters, blankets, and pillows. I needed a pillow too.
I got the sinking feeling that my precious five hundred dollars wasn’t going to last long. I’d need to find a job as soon as possible.
My final total made my stomach twist. Forty dollars for the cheapest bed things I could find, two towels, some hygiene products, and a pack of water. Thank god my meals were included with my scholarship.
My stomach rumbled at the thought. I was so much hungrier than normal, and this was only the beginning. I pointed at a display of protein bars behind the cashier. “Can I have one of those too, please? He nodded, grabbing one of the nearly-three-dollar nutrition bars and ringing it up. I wanted to tell him I’d changed my mind, that I didn’t need the snack, but my loud stomach had other ideas.
I resisted the urge, this time, to place my hand on my midsection. I wanted to keep little bean hidden for as long as possible. I wasn’t even sure the school would let me stay in the dorms once they found out.
And then what would happen to us?
Silas.
Teetering on the edge
The dark forgotten happenstance dredged
Up from the twisted shadows
Of my mind
Don’t even got a dime
For another second of his time
God don’t make mistakes
At least that’s what they say
Then why the fuck am I around?
I’m a body of fault
Full of the drug I bought
It was ten to midnight. Our relief had come a bit early. We’d passed the reigns. Truth be told, I wasn’t ready to go home though.
“You coming tomorrow night?” Tanner’d already forgiven me for being a dick earlier, although my shoulder hadn’t quite forgiven me yet. He walked several yards ahead of me, hands in his pocket, head back looking at the stars barely visible past all the ambient light.
“Like you’d last a second on the stage without me,” I smiled half-heartedly at his back. I still had no idea why I’d let Tanner talk me into joining his rag-tag ‘rock’ band. When I first came to Lexington, the last thing I’d wanted to do, ever again, was sing on a stage. Yet, that’s what I found myself doing every Saturday evening. At least the bar smelled less like B.O. and shit than most of the concert venues I’d played whilst actually a ‘star’.
When I’d gotten the deal, following an open mic at a smoky bar in the worst part of Nashville, my mom had plastered the news all over my hick town. It was a tiny place up in the mountains, a single blinking light and a convenience store that got a shipment a month. If you needed to really shop, you had to take the hour drive down the mountain to civilization. Growing up, I’d had the same three friends, the same girlfriend through middle school and high school, drank beer by Billy’s lake every Saturday night until we collapsed onto sleeping bags.
Me moving away, me making it, was huge for everyone. And it meant my dream wasn’t just mine. It was the whole town’s—like every person was trucking down the mountain and finding a future that wasn’t marrying, popping out kids, and starting the next generation of Bobs and Johns.
Mom hadn’t wanted me to go to Nashville. She’d cried and Dad had stood stoically on the porch with his arms crossed. He’d always expected me to take over the shop, fixing small electronics. Making sure Mrs. Welch had a working vacuum come Wednesday carpet cleaning.
That was the way the town worked, after all. We fixed when things were broken, because shit was hard to come by and delivery service was slow as sin—although my grandma always said sin was hard and fast, nothing slow about it. The people in my town used something until it couldn’t possibly be used any more. It wasn’t a rough life. It wasn’t a
bad life. It just wasn’t the life I wanted. I didn’t want to marry Suzy and be elbow-deep in blown microwaves and shorted-out blenders all day, just to come home and be elbow-deep in diapers and screaming kids.
I wasn’t made for that. Wasn’t made to be a dad.
Suzy married Billy. Hadn’t seen that coming. They’d already had two kids by the time I’d done my first small concert tour.
“Silas, you’re my ride. Come on,” Tanner stood impatiently next to my SUV, his bright smile obvious under the yellow glow of the parking lot lamps. I hadn’t realized I’d stopped walking. I was just standing, aimless and shadowed between lamps.
“Yeah, coming.” I started walking again, feeling such a weight in my chest that I worried I might sink right through the pavement.
Tanner had taken the bus to work today because his Camry was in the shop. His car was always being repaired it seemed like and the thing was barely six years old. I was lucky that I’d bought something older, without all the electronics crap, that I could work on myself. Sometimes, it made me feel like I was back in Dad’s shop learning how to dismantle Mrs. Meg’s piano keyboard. She couldn’t give lessons without it and she couldn’t make money for groceries without giving those lessons. And we needed the money too, although she normally paid us in cherry rhubarb pie and teaching me.
Shit, that was another reason I left. Everything fed into everything. Everyone needed everyone. Even my Dad’s shop, as small as it was in the scheme of the world and how shit works, was needed by someone for their livelihood.
“You ever gonna trade up this piece of junk? It sounds like a twenty-one gun salute every time you crank it up.” Tanner slid onto the passenger seat, dropping his backpack at his feet. He said the same thing any time we rode together in my vehicle.
“Says the guy whose car is in the shop yet again.” I climbed in and buckled.
The Beat Between Us: A Rock Star Redemption Romance (The Heartbeat Series Book 1) Page 2