by Gina Azzi
"E?"
"Ecstasy."
"The drug?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Okay." I continue to sit and stare, trying to figure out what he's telling me.
"It's my fault, Evie." He lowers his voice, his eyes pleading with me to understand. "That night. Everything that happened. It's my fault. I sold him the drug that—"
"Ohhh," I breathe out, realization finally slapping me in the face. My hand covers my mouth, my fingertips pressing against my lips; the same lips that drank alcohol laced with... Ecstasy. I knew I was drugged that night but I didn’t realize what it was or that it would have been so easy for Gary and Paul to access.
"Evie, I am so sorry. I should have told you sooner. I didn't even realize it that night and then afterward, when I figured it out, I didn't know what to do. I was such a chicken shit coward. That night destroyed your life and ruined everything you worked so hard for. I saw you struggling, watched you shrink away from everyone, and I lied to you for all these years." He scrubs a hand over his face, his eyes pleading, and his face shadowed with guilt. "I understand if you hate me, Evie, but I need you to know that Jax had no idea. Neither did Denver. And I'm so fucking sorry."
Shock locks down my limbs. A bubble of hysteria works up my throat, erupting from my lips in a giggle. I giggle.
Carter places a tentative hand on my wrist, beseeching me to look at him. "Evie, you're okay."
Why do people keep saying that to me? Of course, I'm okay. If that night didn't kill me, there's not much else that will.
I was drugged with Ecstasy. A party drug. I couldn't even party correctly. I failed at my last hurrah attempt as well. What a disaster.
"Evie?"
"Hmm?"
"You all right?"
I blink, Carter Kane coming back into focus before me. His brows are drawn, his green eyes anxious, and concern heavy in the thin line of his lips. "Carter," I say, sounding dazed. Reaching out, I grasp my latte and take a sip, the hot espresso and steamed milk connecting me back to the here and now.
"Evie, can I call someone for you? Do you need anything? Do you feel sick?"
I take a steadying breath. "I'm fine. I, I didn't expect you to say that, and it caught me by surprise."
"I understand if you hate me, but please, please don't take what I did out on Jax. He loves you and—"
"I don't hate you."
"What?" Surprise flickers across Carter's face, and he shakes his head to disagree with me.
"Carter, you didn't do anything. What happened isn't your fault. At all," I say calmly, a strange serenity washing over me now that the truth about that night is being brought to light. I'm talking about it more and instead of driving me to seek consolation inwards and retreating from the world, it's causing me to realize that I do have a support system. And I can latch onto them to move forward.
"Evie, I sold Paul the Ecstasy that he used to—"
"You don't know that," I cut him off, removing my hand from under his and hunching forward. "Maybe Paul took that pill and used something else on me. And even if he did use the pill you sold him, do you really think that if Paul hadn't bought E from you then there was no one else at the party that would have supplied it?"
Carter considers this for a second. "Well, no, but that doesn't mean—"
"And did you know what he was planning to do with it? That Gary was involved? That they used drugs before to roofie unsuspecting girls?"
"Of course not." He sounds appalled.
"Exactly."
"But it still came from me."
"What if the situation had been different?"
"I don't understand."
"What if I hadn't been drugged that night? What if I just drank too much and got sloppy, and Gary and Paul shuffled me into a bedroom and took advantage of me? Would that be Eric Minz's fault for supplying beer at his party?"
Carter exhales loudly, chewing the corner of his mouth. He looks like Jax when he does that, and I soften toward him. He's completely torn up about this. I wonder what else he's shouldered for the past seven years. How has carrying around this burden affected him?
"What if it had been Daisy?"
He stares at me in horror. "Did something happen to Daisy?"
"No," I reassure him quickly. "I'm saying, what if that scenario happened to Daisy? Would you and your brothers blame the guy who sold the drugs, or the guys who did the act?"
He rakes his fingers over his hair. "I get it. Your point, I mean. I get where you're coming from. But, Jesus, I feel sick over this."
"Thank you."
"Huh?"
"For caring about me enough to worry about me like that."
He chuckles anxiously, a release of tension, and leans back again. "I didn't know what I expected, but it definitely wasn't your forgiveness."
"You're not guilty of anything, Carter."
"I still should have told you sooner."
"I don't know if it would have helped."
His eyebrows dip together over his nose. "Why not?"
I tap my fingertips softly against my coffee, "I haven't really allowed myself to come to terms with that night until recently. Until Jax." Pausing, I try to sort out my thoughts, so I can make sense of them before I confide in Carter. "I hadn't told anyone what had happened."
Carter's eyebrows spike up at this. "No one?"
"Not until the other night. I told Jax, and then I told my brother. Then my mom. I’m going to tell Jenny and Miranda when I see them this weekend. I filed a police report. I was so scared for so long to tell anyone about it because a part of me thought I deserved it."
"Oh, Evie, why would you ever think that?" Carter's voice is pained as he leans toward me again, placing a hand gently on my wrist.
"That night I remember them mocking me. Calling me General." I snort. "I did think I was too good for this town. I was too confident, so sure of what I was going to do next, where I was going in life. Sure, I was polite because I had to be, but I know I ruffled a lot of feathers with my opinions and sass and focus on my future. I think I was scared if I told anyone, they either wouldn't believe me or think I deserved what I got."
"Evie, no one, absolutely no one, ever deserves to be treated like that."
"I know that now. But it wasn't until I said it out loud, until I confided in Jax, talked to Graham, that I began to believe it."
Carter heaves a sigh, his hand going to my chocolate croissant before he takes a bite, swallowing half the pastry.
"Stress eating?"
He snorts, shaking his head at me. "I'm glad you filed the report. I'll give a statement. I witnessed it, and I'll gladly tell the police everything I saw."
"You sure? You'll have to tell them about the Ecstasy."
He pins me with his eyes, his face serious. "I'll tell them everything."
"Thank you, Carter. If you had told me earlier, it might not have mattered. I'm glad you told me now because I'm ready to move forward. And nothing about that night was your fault. In fact, you saved me before it got worse."
"Maybe you could tell that to Jax," he jokes.
"I will."
"I'm kidding."
"I'm not."
He breaks off another piece of my croissant and pops it into his mouth. "Can we be friends again?"
"I'd like that," I say honestly, drinking more of my latte and considering how much better, lighter, cleaner I feel since confiding in others, filing a police report, taking some control over the situation. Now, talking with Carter, I'm starting to realize that by keeping silent, I've been gagging myself in more ways than one. I've never been open to fully accepting what happened to me that night and how it changed me, so how could I expect to move forward?
"Hey, could you do me a favor?"
"Anything."
"I want to move past this, Carter. I really, really want to reclaim my life. I hate feeling like such a failure, like I blew my future, and am resigned to spending the rest of my life going through the motions and being petrified of
every guy I'm in close quarters with."
"That's how you feel?"
"It's like I'm underwater. All the time. Everything around me is unfolding, and I can hear it and see it, but it's distorted somehow. I know I can reach the surface if I try, but it seems almost safer to just let myself sink, so I don't have to deal with everything that's above water."
"What if everything above water is what you really want?"
"But what if I fail?"
"You could never fail, Evie. You've already survived so much. Plus, not attaining something doesn’t necessarily mean failure. It’s a learning experience. It means you were brave and bold enough to try. If you look at it like that, then failure isn't even a possibility."
"Could you help me?"
"Of course. What would you like me to do?"
"Help me be, I don't know, normal again. And don’t go easy on me. I know if I ask Jax he’ll say yes but he won’t push me too hard. He feels guilty about the entire thing and we need time to sort our history out before he’ll ever feel comfortable giving me tough love."
"Evie Maywood, you are and have always been a lot of things, but normal was never one of them." He flashes me his signature grin, his seafoam green eyes softening. He looks more like the Carter I know. "You've always been too authentic to just be normal."
His words center me. The Kane boys were the only ones who've ever celebrated my awkwardness. "Help me fit in then?"
"Whatever it takes." He holds out his pinkie.
"What are you doing?"
"Pinkie-swearing, duh."
"We're not five."
"But this is how I give you my word."
I roll my eyes, linking my finger with his.
"I'm glad you're back in my life, Evie. But mostly, I'm happy you're back in Jax's."
"Me too."
33
Jax
"Got a minute?" I stand beside Denver's feet as he works on an old Chevrolet El-Camino.
His hand gropes the ground as he curses. "Yeah, hand me a flashlight, will ya?"
I kick the flashlight that's a few inches from his fingers closer, and he grasps it, his hand disappearing underneath the car again.
Several minutes tick by as I listen to my brother's heavy breathing, colorful swearing, and random mutterings. Eventually, he slides out from underneath the car and shields his eyes, squinting up at me. "What's up?"
"I need to talk to you. Want a Coke or something?"
"Sure. I'm getting hungry anyway." He pushes himself into a sitting position, swiping his water bottle off the ground, before standing up and heading toward the house.
We walk inside and straight into the kitchen. Denver makes a beeline for the refrigerator. "Daisy made pasta before she took off. Leftovers okay?"
"Sounds good."
I slide onto a barstool and wait patiently as Denver heats up a couple of plates. When he's sitting beside me, two Cokes popped open and steaming dishes of pasta in tomato sauce in front of us, he fixes me with a look. "You can't open the autobody shop with me."
I sigh, not surprised that he already figured it out, but wishing I had the chance to explain myself before he jumped to any conclusions.
"Den, it's not that I don't want to. Going into business with you would be great and I—"
He holds up a hand, silencing me as he shovels a forkful of pasta into his mouth. "You don't have to explain, Jax." He swallows loudly, taking a swig of soda. "I'm happy for you, man."
"What are you talking about?"
"You and Evie, it's for real, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"So, you'd be an idiot to go into business with me and chain yourself to being here when your girl's got plans in motion to be somewhere else.”
"You know about Baylor?"
He nods, his expression easy and relaxed. "She's gonna get in. They'd be stupid not to take her."
"I know." I think about Evie and how she'll probably be the first in her class.
"So, San Antonio?"
"Nothing's decided yet."
"It'll be good for y'all," he continues, as if I didn't speak at all. "Getting a fresh start somewhere else. A new place that doesn't hold all these memories and connections. Small towns are great when you need a neighbor's hand, but they blow when you're trying to get out from under past mistakes."
"Yeah." I watch him, wondering if he ever thinks of leaving, starting over someplace new. A place where no one would know he spent time in lock-up. "You ever think about it?"
"Nah." He shakes his head. "I don't mind the looks and the talk because no one ever expected anything else from me." A sad smile ghosts his mouth before he turns to look at me. "My story isn't a scandal; it was a given."
"You've done real good turning things around, Den."
He shrugs. "I've done all right."
"I'm sorry about the autobody repair."
"Don't be."
"What're you going to do now?" I ask, taking my first bite of pasta.
"Don't worry about me, kid. I'll figure something out. Stay focused on your girl and the future y'all are building." He taps his Coke can next to mine. "I'm proud of you."
An unexpected lump swells in my throat at Denver's words. Seven years ago, those words never would have crossed his lips. It's funny though, because now that he said them, I realize how much they mean to me.
"I'm proud of you too, Den."
He smirks, taking another bite of pasta. "What've you got going on this weekend?"
"Not much."
"Wanna take a trip?"
"Where?"
"Arizona."
"Ari—" I pause, my thoughts finally catching up to his. "Daisy's graduation."
"I wanna see her throw her cap in the air," Denver admits.
"Yeah, I'd like that, too."
"All right." He stands up, picking up his plate and walking over to the sink. "I'm sure Carter'll wanna come. I’ll check flights. We'll leave on Friday. Surprise her."
"She'll love it."
"Yeah."
"Need help with the El-Camino?"
Denver turns to me, staring for a minute. A flash of something undecipherable flits in his eyes before he reaches up to mess with his hair and nods. "That'd be great. Thanks, Jax."
"No problem." I follow him out of the kitchen and into the bright sunlight and heat.
We drop to the cracked asphalt with the weeds poking through and the shitty, dilapidated state of our front yard. This time, it doesn't bother me as much as it once did. I guess because this time I'm more focused on spending time with my brother and less on our surroundings.
This time it feels like home.
"I wish I could come with you guys," Evie tells me later that night, a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream resting in her lap as we hang out in her living room.
"Me too."
"Daisy's going to be so surprised."
I nod, thinking about my sister and how much I'm looking forward to surprising her. How much I'm looking forward to traveling with my brothers.
"Any news from Chief Allen?"
She scrapes her spoon against the bottom of her bowl. "They're building a case. He told me with Carter's statement they have enough evidence to go forward. Turns out, other girls have pressed charges against Gary, although my report is the first to name Paul. All together, they think they have enough evidence to prosecute Gary. Paul will probably take a plea."
"That's good news, Evie."
"Yeah. And since Carter's selling the Ecstasy is past the statute of limitations, it's not even a thing."
I raise my eyebrows at this. "For real?"
"It's been more than four years, so the state can't take legal action. Plus, Chief Allen is much more focused on nabbing Gary than punishing Carter for slipping his friends Ecstasy. It helps that everyone was eighteen at the time."
I mull this over, relieved to hear my brother isn't facing legal issues. Even though I never pressured him to speak up in defense of Evie, I was grateful he did. He walked stra
ight into the police station without batting an eye and laid everything out for Chief Allen.
"You hear anything else yet?"
"You mean Baylor?"
"Yeah."
"No, it’s too soon. But I promise you'll be the first to know."
"You’re going to get in."
"You really want to move to Texas?"
"I want to move wherever you are, Maywood. Texas, Japan, outer space, doesn't matter."
She snorts, tossing a throw pillow at me, which I catch easily and prop behind my shoulder.
"What are you going to do there?"
"For work?"
“Yeah,” she raises a spoonful of melting ice cream to her mouth.
"I got a few things in the works."
Her eyes grow serious. "Like what? Why didn't you tell me?"
I shrug, running a hand over the top of my head. My hair is longer than I've had it since before I enlisted, and sometimes the feel of it surprises me. I doubt I'll ever sport a man-bun like Den, but for now I like that I don't have to shave it all the time. "Nothing's a done deal, and I didn't want you to get all stressed out about it."
"Jax, I'm not getting stressed, but we have to talk about these things."
"Okay."
"I'm serious."
"Me too." I reach over and pull her feet into my lap. "Communication is the key to successful relationships, you know?"
She rolls her eyes, eating another spoonful of ice cream before placing her bowl on the coffee table. "Where'd you hear that?"
"Carter."
We look at each other and then burst into laughter.
"He's the worst at relationships!"
It’s the truth. The fact that my brother dropped that knowledge on me this morning made my day up until now. Because the sound of Evie's laughter will always trump Carter's attempts at sounding smart.
"So, tell me about the things you have in the works."
"Security."
"Security?"
"Yeah. I reached out to a few guys I served with. They started up a security company and think I could be a good fit."
"But I haven't heard back from Baylor yet."
"That's why it's in the works but there's no pressure, so I didn't tell you about it." I squeeze her toes gently.