The one thing I didn’t find was any paper. Not in the drawers of the weathered desk or in the cupboard beneath the non-functioning television. The only apparatus I could write on was toilet paper, and the pencil wasn’t too keen on that idea, tearing the soft tissue rather than imprinting its silvery lines.
Nevertheless, I was determined to leave some sort of note behind. Some piece of me that these bastards hadn’t taken and never would.
Taking another deep breath, I shoved aside my current conditions and clutched the pencil harder. Glancing at the door to make sure I was alone, I spread out my square of toilet tissue, making it tight and writable, and continued with my note.
I wish I could say a monster killed me. That a terrible accident caused this. And I can say that…to a degree.
However, the real reason I’m dead and a new toy about to be sold is mainly because of my upbringing.
That poise and confidence my mother drilled into me? It didn’t grant me in good stead for a profitable career or handsome husband. It pissed people off. I came across as stuck-up, a know-it-all, and vain.
It made me a target.
I don’t know if anyone will ever see this but you, No One, but if they do, I hope they forget what I’m about to admit. I’m an only daughter to a single parent. I love my mother. I do.
But if I ever survive what’s about to happen to me, and by some miracle, I find freedom again, I’ll keep this next part to myself when I recount my time in purgatory.
I love my mother, but I hate her.
I miss my mother, but I never want to see her again.
I obeyed my mother, but I want to curse her for eternity.
She’s the only one I can blame.
The one responsible for me becoming nothing more than a whore.
Chapter Two
Tasmin
Two days passed.
In the world I’d been stolen from, two days was nothing. Two alarm clocks, two lessons at university, two evenings of talking on the phone to my friends, and two nights of wonderfully protected sleep where I stupidly believed no one could harm me.
In this new world?
Two days was enough for me to scratch at non-existent itches just to feel something. Two days meant I wore down my pencil then slowly picked at the wood to reveal more lead so I had something to occupy my time.
Two days meant I continued writing my toilet paper novel, all the while not knowing that at the end of forty-eight hours, my brief stay in limbo was over.
My processing was over.
My sale date complete.
They came for me at dinnertime. Instead of the usual bland rice and chicken or watery stew shoved through the hole in the wall, the door opened.
The door opened!
For the first time in weeks.
I’d been so alone with only grimy mirrors reflecting my slowly sallowing complexion for company that the visit clutched my heart. When I’d first been taken, I’d been curvy with adolescent softness, perky breasts, and rounded tummy. My brown hair curled and dyed a rich chocolate thanks to an appointment with my personal groomer at my mother’s demands to look my best for her charity function.
The same function I’d been stolen from.
Before, my thoughts had been superficial, wondering how to lose my puppy fat and apply my makeup like models on YouTube. Despite my prissy appearance, I was smart and had just enrolled at a prestigious university to study psychology—just like my mother wanted. Following in her footsteps like she’d arranged all my life.
Now, my appearance and thoughts were of an entirely different girl. No longer a teenager, but a woman. My hair had faded back to its normal dark treacle brown. My frame had lost its curves thanks to the low-calorie infrequent menu I enjoyed.
I supposed I would’ve been happy if I still had my freedom. I got what I wanted. I was a little skinnier and no longer cared about hair dyes and fashion. Instead, I hated my transformation because it added another chain to the proverbial collar webbing around my throat.
“Come.” The man clicked his fingers.
Seeing another human ought to have filled me with some sort of relief. Something intrinsic inside me needed company—even if that company was my doom. But I couldn’t see his eyes or mouth or nose. He was a phantom, a caricature, hidden behind the Venetian face mask of a black and white joker with tears dotting his cheek.
Were the tears for me? Or just a mockery?
I took a step toward him, hating the obedient cower they’d instilled in me the first few days of my imprisonment. The bruises had faded, but the lessons had not.
But then, I stopped, looking back at the toilet tissue sheets of letters.
Letters telling my story.
A story that would forever change the moment I left this room.
I had nothing of value anymore. The rags I wore from so many previous trafficked women weren’t mine. The pillows I cried myself to sleep on weren’t mine. My life wasn’t even mine anymore. The desire to keep my scribbled thoughts was nonsensical, but I refused to leave yet another piece of me behind.
If I must face this new trial, I would do it with my past fisted in my palm like a talisman reminding me if I could breathe it, I could write it, and when I wrote it, I would find freedom from it.
“Now, girl!” The man stalked into the room, his mountainous posture ready to hurt.
Before he could grab me, I scurried to the desk and scooped up the flimsy pieces of my life. Clutching them tight, I ducked around his large girth and vanished out the door.
Out the door!
I’m out of the room.
The familiarity of my imprinted space was gone as I padded barefoot down the corridor graced with the same gold and bronze carpet. The heavy footfalls of my captor thundered behind me.
He didn’t grab me or force me to slow. He knew as well as I did there was no escape. I’d been blindfolded when I’d been driven here, but they’d let me have my sight back once inside the building.
As we moved past locked rooms like any normal hotel, I forced myself to stand taller and brace myself for whatever came next.
You can get through this.
They wanted me alive, not dead.
For some reason, that thought didn’t give the intended comfort…if anything, it made my fear escalate.
“Get in the elevator. We’re going down.” The man’s voice boomed in the claustrophobic space.
Turning left, I entered the open foyer where four silver doors sat two by two. I cursed the slight shake in my hand as I pressed the button summoning one of them to open.
The chime sounded immediately, the elevator groaning wide, welcoming me into a dingy mirrored box.
I couldn’t look at my reflection as I stepped inside and turned to face the closing exit. My legs peeked beneath the faded yellow shorts I’d been given. My skinny arms held the last remnants of my juvenile age in the baggy moth-eaten grey t-shirt. I didn’t care to look at myself because the outward body didn’t portray the inward soul.
Yes, I looked broken.
Yes, I obeyed implicitly.
But inside, I’d somehow glued the parts they’d shattered into something I treasured. I was stronger now than when I’d first arrived. I was no longer the wailing girl who’d been stripped, rough-washed with angry paws, and catalogued with other women. I kept my screams inside because there, no one could hear me.
No one could use them against me. Silence was a weapon I could wield better than panic. And if it meant I never uttered another word until I found freedom, then so be it.
The man crowded beside me, pressing level four.
Judging from the numbers on the hotel room doors we’d passed, I deduced they’d stored me on level twelve. How many girls were locked behind those barricades? How many floors held prisoners just waiting to be sold?
The descent swooped a little too fast, gravity clutching my tummy. I held my breath as the elevator opened again, revealing an identical landing platform.
The man nudged me between my shoulder blades.
I shot forward. No stumbling. No begging. Not one question or plea.
There was no point.
I rubbed my cheek where I’d been punched within hours of my arrival all those weeks ago. I’d demanded all sorts of things. I’d promised them pain once my mother found them. I’d believed I was a princess with a regiment of knights who would chase after me.
I’d learned quickly with their boots in my stomach and fists in my face that everything I trusted was a lie.
“Down here.” The man pointed at the left corridor.
Padding in the chosen direction, I shivered as the softness of the carpet did its best to comfort me. The hotel was the perfect backdrop of nothingness. The temperature hovered at comfortable, so I never shivered or sweated. The lights shone an even illumination, so I never squinted or strained. Every sense controlled until I forgot what the wind felt like on my skin and the sun’s rays upon my face.
Would I be allowed outside now?
Where is he taking me?
The man paced in front of me, pushing open a door to the old gym. The hotel must’ve been a four-star establishment, once upon a time, before it’d been bought and shot to ruin.
Entering the female changing room, where ivory tiles had turned grimy and ancient hairdryers hung like gas masks, I stopped for further instruction. Hanging on the wall was a garment bag, zipped but translucent, showing a white dress. Even from here, the pearled bodice and diamante scarf draped on the hanger spoke of finery not welcome in such a downtrodden place.
The man behind his Venetian mask muttered, “Shower, do your hair, and get dressed. I’ll collect you in one hour.”
One hour of primping?
For what?
He leaned in close, smelling of fried food and beer. “Don’t get any thoughts of running.” Cocking his head, he stepped back as two other girls entered the space. “Ah, company.”
The recent arrivals’ shepherd pointed at matching garment bags on the opposite wall. Their dresses were black and grey. “Get ready, both of you.”
Just like every facet of sensation was stolen by regimented air, heat, and approved stimuli, so too were our wardrobes. White, black, and grey. Monotones with no spectrum of colour.
My handler nodded at his lion-masked colleague. “You stand guard. I’ll tell the boss we’re almost ready.”
The girls glanced at me. I glanced at them. We all glanced at the men who held our fate in their dirty clutches. The urge to ask what would happen burned my tongue. But I didn’t. Not because I daren’t or lacked the courage, but because I already knew the answer: the cold laughter, the mocking undertones, and the cryptic reply meant to terrify rather than console.
No, I wouldn’t ask.
But my conclusion didn’t reach the girl closest to me wearing a tatty pink sun-dress with tangled blonde hair. “Why are you doing this? What’s going to happen to us?”
Venetian Mask looked at Lion. Together, they advanced on her, backing her against the tiled wall. They let the force of their aura batter her rather than physically maul, leaving me to think they’d hurt us to control us at the beginning, but now, we were worth more unmarred.
After all, what good was merchandise if it was ugly and bruised?
“I told you already. You’re going to be sold, pretty angel.” Lion stroked her cheek. “You’re going to be chosen and transacted, and when that sweet, sweet money lands in our hands, you’ll be gone. Bye-bye. No longer our concern.”
The other girl with lacklustre red hair tripped backward, her mouth parting in a silent wail.
As if they didn’t know? As if they’d spent the same amount of time as I had locked and alone and didn’t see something like this coming. Perhaps, I’d read too many dark books or watched too many crime shows on television. Either way, I wasn’t stupid, and I definitely wasn’t naïve anymore.
Just like I would never go to university to finish my psychology degree, these girls would never return to their lives. Unlike me, who blamed her mother for her mess, they might blame a bad boyfriend or idiotic decision of drinking too much and trusting the wrong person.
No matter what led us here, we were on the same journey. Just with different destinations, determined by whoever bought us.
Turning away from the tears and laughing captors, I stripped from my shorts and t-shirt, placed my precious toilet paper words on the counter, and walked straight into a shower. There were no blinds or screens. My nakedness remained on display as I turned on body temperature water and squirted un-scented shampoo into my hair.
Being nude in front of strangers would’ve petrified me a month ago.
Now, I no longer put stock in such things because I had no control over who looked or touched or ultimately raped and destroyed.
Don’t think about that.
Gritting my teeth, I lathered shampoo into bubbles. No aroma or comfort came from the soap. I missed my watermelon body scrub and raspberry lip-gloss. I hankered for fizzy drinks and a soft fleece blanket after a long day of studying.
What I wouldn’t give to smell again. Hear again. Feel again.
While the other girls mourned their lives and feared their future, I welcomed relief. I was glad this stage was over. Another hour in that room would’ve driven me completely mad. At least this way, I had something to do, someone to challenge, someplace else to go.
And who knows, maybe I’ll find a way to escape.
The noise of the shower as I held my head under its stream blocked all sounds. I kept my eyes closed while lathering my hair and didn’t turn until I’d washed, used the razor provided to shave, and wrapped yet another threadbare towel around myself.
The men and their masks had gone, and the women had copied me, each taking a stall and dutifully but tearfully washing.
This wasn’t a simple cleansing or preparation.
This was a baptism into Hell.
Chapter Three
Tasmin
To No One,
My mother always told me that bullies are people, too.
She warned me never to judge first impressions or be superficial like others. She said it wasn’t my place to critique—not knowing if they were hurting or living a terrible life while picking on others.
Well, I would disagree based on my current predicament, but then again, these men aren’t bullies, they’re monsters. So I guess my mother’s rule is safe.
Don’t judge. Listen.
She promised me it would keep me in good stead, and I’d make friends, not enemies. What she didn’t tell me was nobody liked to be watched like a specimen, and everyone hated a compassionate know-it-all.
And that was why I was targeted.
Or at least…I believe it was.
You see, No One, it all started as a normal evening. I dressed in my bedroom opposite my mother’s. I slipped into the low heels she’d chosen, into the off-the-shoulder gown she’d selected, and hopped into the taxi she’d arranged.
I was thankful to be included because normally I wasn’t.
I was proud of my mother. Respectful, wary…but not adoring. She loved me but didn’t have time for silly children, even if that silly child was her own. She made sure I was old and wise so I could fend for myself while she dealt with adult bullies on a daily basis. She sold her services to the State to ease the burdens of psychopaths and paedophiles.
She treated us all like guinea pigs, wanting into our minds—asking why I did something instead of reprimanding. Demanding articulated words rather than messy displays of emotion.
My friends called me crazy for trusting my mother’s guidance. But I was a good girl, a kind daughter, a child guided by a woman who earned her living by lifting the veil in which humans hide. She made me believe I had the same magic, and it was my duty to help those without such a gift.
She made me what I was.
I suppose I have to be grateful for that because, without her strict upbringing, I would be like the girls snivellin
g even now in the corner while we wait to be collected for whatever comes next. I’m thankful to the woman who birthed me for giving me these life skills, but it doesn’t mean I’ll ever forgive her.
From the hours of 9:00 p.m. to midnight, I was safe. I mingled with suits and entertained in whispers, representing my mother and her business with the poise she demanded.
Only, around that witching hour when rules relax and tiredness creeps beneath fun obscurity, I met a man. While my mother intoxicated benefactors with her wit and hard-edged charm, earning generous donations for her charity for the mental well-being of people on death row (why anyone would want to donate, I had no idea), a mystery man called Mr. Kewet flirted with me.
He laughed at my teenage jokes. He indulged my childish whims. And I fell for every goddamn trick in his dastardly arsenal.
While others skirted this man, instinctually noticing something evil, I made it my mission to make him feel welcome. I didn’t let the voice inside my head warn me away; instead, I believed in the firm and fast rule of ‘Don’t judge. Listen.’
My mother taught me wrong.
She made me sympathise rather than fear.
She made me believe in good rather than recognise the bad.
I danced with my murderer.
I smiled when he corralled me outside.
I tried to soothe while he threatened.
And when his hands went around my throat and strangled me, I still believed I could redeem him.
He killed me on the balcony of the ballroom only metres away from my mother.
And the entire time he did it, I still thought he was the one who needed saving, not me.
“Time’s up. You’d better be ready to go.”
My pencil stopped hacking at my toilet vellum. I needed to write what happened after I fell unconscious into Mr. Kewet’s killer embrace. How he’d brought me back to life in a world I no longer recognised. How everything I’d known and everything that’d made sense was suddenly scrambled and utterly foreign.
But Venetian Mask had returned, crossing his arms over his huge untoned bulk. Even his voice was nondescript with no accent or hint. Without facial features or racial clues, I had no idea where I’d been transported and what country I would belong.
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