by Alice Kirks
‘I know this has not been easy on either of us Robert, but I wonder now if I would have been better just allowing my father to marry me off. Of course, I would have somehow dissuaded him from joining me with Lord Sutton, he was too besotted with my sister. But had there been another suitor arranged, had I got to know that person a little, friendship, at least, would be less hurtful than pretending to be in love.’
Robert stilled. His heart beating hard against his chest as he ventured to tell her how he truly felt. He could express his love and adoration for her right now, and yet, if she did not feel the same way, would she feel obligated to stay? He did not want to guilt her into making a decision, nor did he want her to stay out of pity. She deserved a better life than that.
Yet surely, if she felt anything for him, she would have expressed it by now. For that was one of the many things that he loved about her, that she spoke from the heart, clear and true. And yet, she had not. If her desire was to leave, he must let her go.
Their conversation had lasted late into the night, but eventually, Katherine had come to a decision. She would be leaving today. Robert had risen early and arranged a carriage, but as his heart ached, he could not bear to watch her pack.
Once her luggage had been loaded, he noticed the black jewellery box still left on the dresser in the bedroom, and whilst she was preparing for breakfast, he snook it downstairs and tucked it beneath the seat in the carriage.
The announcement of her leaving at breakfast was met with quite opposite reactions. Alison, appeared devastated. Robert had already observed her attachment to Katherine. Having some form of an older sister that she could relate to in the house, Alison had flourished and their relationship had grown.
They had spent days together, chatting and discussing things that the Duchess would not care to engage in. The youthful side of Katherine had been a welcome change for his younger sister and it was very clear: she would be greatly missed.
Together, Katherine and Robert did their best to deflect her stunned enquiries on why Katherine was leaving. It was not the easiest of conversations.
The Duchess, on the other hand, remained almost completely passive. With only a few words, stating that the decision had probably been the best choice for all involved, Robert was disgusted. Not expecting tears and emotion, for he had never seen her express those under any circumstances, her aloof disinterest stunned even him. Her lack of effort was not only uncalled for, but blatantly rude.
Not that he could really comment on rudeness, for after breakfast was over, he handed Katherine a note and then excused himself from the room. The note simply bade her farewell and wished her the best for her future.
No doubt, she would hate him for his cowardice, but the conversation of last night had already tore his heart from his chest, and he did not feel he could stand and say goodbye to her in person without crumbling.
Taking his horse, he had ridden out across the country for some time, berating himself for being such a fool. For being so gutless as to not openly tell her how he felt. For what difference would it have made? At least he would have given her a chance to make a choice on all of the information available. But he simply could not face her rejection, for if he were honest with himself, that is what he had feared the most.
Punishing himself; he recalled the times they had spent together, laughing and enjoying stories of their lives. Her beautiful smile and the smell of her hair. Her feisty adventurousness and openness. The long walks, their silly picnics and the easy horseback rides through her country home.
And now, he had lost her, let her go, the first woman he had ever truly loved and would likely never see again. He had been right all along. War and battle were easier than love, though he feared, there were no wounds that could pain him as much as her departure.
When he arrived back at the manor, sometime after noon, he went straight to the bedchamber. Not wishing to see or talk to anyone, he fell onto the bed and buried his head into her pillow. Inhaling the last dregs of her presence, the scent that would soon disappear, the only thing he now had left of her. As he rolled over onto his back, he felt a sharp pain. What in good heavens…?
Standing and pulling back the bed cover, he frowned. A small muslin parcel sat wrapped up on the sheet. Tugging it open, he steeled himself and shook his head. Her jewels sat, gathered together within the muslin cloth. The box he had put into the carriage had been empty. The guilt he felt for not saying goodbye only expanded.
Eventually, he decided to venture downstairs. He would need to face Alison and his aunt sooner or later. Alison would have more questions that he would be unable to answer and the Duchess, no doubt, would have something self-righteous to contribute.
As it happened, Alison was nowhere to be found. Kitty had not seen her since breakfast, and she was not in her room.
‘I think she was quite upset Sir,’ Kitty smiled sadly, ‘You know, with the departure of Lady Katherine. I have to say, I will miss her myself.’
Nodding an acknowledgement, he could say nothing to comfort her and instead went in search of the Duchess. Unlike Alison, she was to be found quite quickly, sitting in the drawing room, but, Robert decided, not quite as smug as he may have expected.
‘Ah, Robert. You have arrived back safely I see.’
‘I did, Your Grace.’
‘I thought you might at least have come to say goodbye to Lady Katherine.’
‘I felt it best that I was absent.’
‘Well, she put on a very brave face, but she was obviously quite upset. In fact, she struggled to withhold her emotion.’
‘I am sure she will be well over it by the time she arrives home.’
‘Home?’
‘Yes. To York.’
‘She is not travelling to York.’
‘Of course, she is. That is where her family home is.’
‘Oh, I am well aware of that Robert. But she decided instead to take on a role for Baron Ravenscroft.’
‘A role? What do you mean? What ever could she do for that man?’
‘He needed a governess.’
‘And you encouraged her to go?’
‘Well, not exactly.’
‘Your Grace?’ He looked at the older woman questioningly.
‘It was mentioned in conversation when he visited here yesterday. And I may have helped her come to a decision.’
‘I see. You helped her come to a decision. Tell me,’ he growled, struggling to hold his temper, ‘who exactly is Katherine meant to be a governess for?’
‘Well the Baron’s children of course, who else? Really Robert, what a ridiculous question.’
‘His children, Your Grace,’ he now spoke through gritted teeth, ‘are my age. In fact, a little older.’
‘No,’ she held a handkerchief at her neck, frowning with confusion, ‘no, that cannot be true.’
‘They would have come and spent some time in the summer with myself and George before Mother and Father passed away. Recall, Your Grace, when did you last see them?’
‘Oh, it was many years…’ she trailed off, hesitating as her mind worked through what he was asking her. ‘Oh, oh goodness.’ The old woman suddenly became flustered. ‘I do not understand. Then what on earth did he need a governess for?’
‘I am going to assume,’ Robert retorted, ‘it was not a governess he wanted at all.’
As Robert rushed from the drawing room, his aunt muttered offerings of misgivings and apologies, but he did not wait to hear them. Katherine’s carriage had practically four hours travel time ahead of him. It would be likely she would be more than halfway there. He did not have much time.
Chapter 19
The tears had eventually abated. Though it had taken some time. Thank goodness she had had the privilege of travelling alone, and the loud noise of the trundling carriage and the horses thundering hooves overpowered the sounds of her grief.
Never could she think of a time when she had felt such despondency and overwhelm, even when she thought mar
riage to Lord Sutton was imminent. At least at home, she had felt wanted, accepted, loved, even relevant.
Robert had not even troubled himself to see her off. His note had been folded and unfolded in her trembling fingers many times over the several hours of travelling, the paper, now crumpled and worn.
Once again, she opened it and read it, for possibly the hundredth time.
My dear Katherine,
It has been an honour. I wish you well in all your future adventures.
Robert.
She simply could not comprehend his behaviour. It was not just that the note was so short, or the fact that he had excused himself at breakfast and she had not seen him again. But that single name as a signature, had almost cut her to the bone. Not Yours Sincerely, or Yours Only; simply, Robert.
He may well not be in love with her or want to spend his life with her, but after everything they had shared and experienced together, surely, she deserved more than a simple signature. Something that felt like a written dismissal of her presence. Had her existence in his life over the last two months had no effect on him at all?
She suspected not. To let her leave without so much as a gesture that she had meant anything to him, answered her question. Perhaps all that talk about Lady Westland meant nothing either. He had ridden off on his horse before she had even left, maybe he was running back to her to tell her he was now free.
In fact, the only two people who seemed to be in anyway sad or perturbed at her departure, were Kitty and Alison. She would miss them both, very much. Kitty had been welcoming from the moment she had stepped over the threshold of Winfield Manor, and though it had taken Alison a little more time, the two women had grown quite close over the last few weeks. But she could not stay simply on account of Alison.
Though she knew it had to be done, the conversation with Robert yesterday evening had been terrifying. Before it, there had been hope that they may have been able to make their marriage work, for her to show him she could be a good wife. To care for and respect him, if he could only show her some sign that he may, in time, grow to love her.
In the end, she knew that leaving was the right decision. Katherine had given him ample opportunity to express how he felt, but even at the beginning, when she first told him she felt it best that she left, he had hesitated.
Not one word of protest. Certainly, after a little conversation, he mentioned something about wishing she would stay, but by then, she almost felt it was said under obligation. At first, she thought it may have been the dowry, for he would have to return it, but when he adamantly refused her jewellery, she truly wondered why he would want her to stay.
Surely, if he felt anything for her at all, he would have begged and pleaded that she not leave him, that she was the only woman he wanted. That there may not yet be love, but at least a chance of it in the future. However, none of that happened. And so, she knew, without a doubt, it was over.
Last night, she had told him she would travel back to York, to her family, but as yet another restless night ensued with little sleep, she realised she just could not face them. The looks of disappointment from her father, the nagging of her mother, and worst of all, the fear that Melinda would not forgive her for her deceit.
Not only the deceit, but the fact that she had not trusted her sister enough to disclose it. It had only been so Katie would not put Melinda in a position where she had to lie to their parents. Whether Melinda would be able to understand that, she had yet to discover.
Instead, the offer of Baron Ravenscroft seemed a much easier route. Yes, she was a coward, but at this moment in her life, she needed time to gather herself. To strengthen her resolve to be able to face all these people in her life with conviction and courage. Those were feelings she did not have in her reserve.
As a governess, her position would give her some time. Teaching young children could surely not be that difficult, she was well read and knew much about the world, of history and geography and strong, heroic role models. Granted, most of them women, but she was certain she could do a little research as she went.
It may also give her time to renew her physical strength, for it had become increasingly obvious that her unhappiness showed in the bagginess of her clothing. Not able to force herself to eat, and struggling to sleep as the ongoing uncertainty of her future marred her peace, her physical exhaustion only added to her mental anguish. She was weak and exhausted and had felt, over the last week, more and more unwell. Beaten down by circumstances she could never have imagined, would be her life and future only two months ago.
At least Baron Ravenscroft would be a gentler companion. A stark contrast to the harsh attitude and presence of the Duchess. It had become increasingly difficult to want to leave her bedchamber at Winfield, and only for Alison, she may have become a complete hermit.
Katherine had warmed to the Baron immediately. With his gentle demeanour and open smile, it even appeared as though he may have a sense of humour. Amusement she had long missed since leaving Spencer Manor, for she struggled now, to recall the last time she had heartily and genuinely enjoyed laughter.
All in all, it was a good decision. Time spent distracted from her concerns, whilst she taught his three children and, having the presence of a man who put her at ease. She may even be able to help with the care of Jane his wife, if he needed her to do so.
Having told the Duchess before breakfast that her intentions were to travel to Baron Ravenscroft to be his governess instead of heading home to York, the Duchess had sent a messenger ahead of her.
On her arrival, the Baron welcomed her warmly. Sally, his housemaid, led her into the large home, guiding her with a lantern and ensuring she watched her step as darkness now fell.
‘Ah Lady Katherine. What a wonderful surprise. I was so pleased to hear that you were arriving with me today. You must be exhausted, please come into the drawing room. Sally will bring us some refreshments.’
‘Thank you, Baron Ravenscroft, you are very kind. Yes, it has been a long and arduous journey.’
‘It would appear so my Lady, for you do, if I may say as much, look quite done. I know I am probably, once again, speaking out of turn.’
‘Please do not concern yourself.’
Katie smiled wearily. If only he knew, for the journey had been the least of her worries over the last while. However, she would not speak of those things to him. The intimate issues between herself, Robert and the current situation would remain, just that, intimate, although, she was mindful that he must have some idea or she would not be here now at his home.
Not long after, Sally re-entered the room with a large tray laden with tea, bread, cold meats and cake. Pouring the tea, she left the room having received thanks from them both.
‘I have to say, and I hope you not think me rude, but I was a little surprised when I heard that you were arriving.’
‘Yes, I am sorry for the sudden decision. I do hope I have not imposed on you.’
‘Not at all. I am delighted you are here. One can get quite lonely in the large house nowadays.’
‘But of course, you do have Jane.’
‘Well, yes, but her illness incapacitates her greatly Lady Katherine, bedridden and struggling to breath, conversations are often short, as I am sure you can imagine.’
‘Oh, I see, of course. I am sorry, I had not considered the implications.’
‘Do not apologise, for how could you possibly know? It is indeed difficult, but we have grown accustomed to it now. We used to have great conversations, but it has been some time. Nowadays, I miss the company of a good woman.’