by Alice Kirks
‘Of course, you are,’ his reply laden with sarcasm, ‘your blooming health is evident in the sallow of your cheeks, and the dark shadows beneath your sunken eye sockets. I cannot deny you are the picture of health.’
Katherine could do nothing but look at him, for she knew all he said was true. Any reply denying it would look foolish.
‘I sat beside you in that carriage this evening Katherine, fearing if I held you any tighter you would snap like a twig. Even through my woollen coat, I could feel the protrusion of your ribs.’
Katherine, now feeling more than a little uncomfortable, remained silent. Standing before him, she could not hold his gaze any longer, and twisting her hands, concentrated intently on the worn rug.
It had not been a conscious decision to make herself unwell. But the last few weeks had probably been the most miserable of her life. It was she, who had felt trapped. A circumstance she alone had created. Desperate to escape Spencer Manor, the future and consequences of a marriage of convenience had not thoroughly been thought through.
Having been told many times that she was impulsive, and that her head was always in the clouds, she ought to have realised her faults by now. But she had not allowed herself to think further than the wedding day. No, that was untrue. What she had thought, was that somehow, she could change Robert. That perhaps, after the wedding, his feelings would change towards her, that they would have the happy ever after that she had always imagined.
Robert walked a little distance away from her. Taking a huge breath in, he sighed heavily.
‘I blame myself.’ He said quietly. ‘This is my doing and I feel despicable for letting you down Katherine. I am truly sorry.’
‘No, no, you are wrong.’
‘I am not wrong,’ he turned slightly to address her, ‘you were led to believe, firstly, that I was free to marry. Adding to that, I gave you no inclination of the home that you were returning to, to my family and their imposing manner.’
‘You mean the Duchess.’
‘I do mean the Duchess, and as if those reasons were not enough, I did not disclose my responsibility to produce an heir.’ He sighed again. ‘My behaviour has been reprehensible Katherine, and I am deeply sorry, for your unhappiness is impossible to ignore.’
‘Am I to remain blameless in this situation? For I too knew what I was doing.’
‘That is just the point. You did not. You could not have known these things that I just mentioned, for I did not tell you.’
‘Yes, I understand that Robert, but we were both aware that this was not going to be easy.’
‘Please do not attempt to placate me Katherine. You have been true from the very beginning. You have hidden nothing, I on the other hand, cannot say the same.’
‘But Robert…’
‘Please, Katherine. We have another long day tomorrow. I think it best we get some rest.’
And before she was able to protest, he moved determinedly across the room, and left. Katherine could only stand there, her mouth agape, staring at the closed door he had just exited from.
A million thoughts ran through her mind as she lay in the bed, awaiting his return. How could she have let him take all the blame? No, she certainly could not argue with the points he had made, but she was far from blameless or innocent. She had made this choice herself, independently deciding to marry him and run with the consequences.
He was out there now, somewhere, punishing himself for the state of her health. Taking the entire responsibility for how their lives had evolved, when that was far from fair or true. For she had deceived him far more than he had deceived her. Her actions after the fall from her horse had trapped him, kept him prisoner at Spencer Manor whilst she tried to work out how to escape her union with William.
He may argue that he stayed by choice, but his choice was made honourably. For between her and the quack physician, his decision had been made on information that was false. Fearing that she may take some sort of breakdown if the pretence was not continued, he had stayed for the well-being of a woman he did not even know. And she had allowed him to do it, out of her own selfishness.
Sleep eventually overwhelmed her. Katherine had attempted to stay awake for his return. He needed to know the truth. He deserved to know the truth after all the sacrifices he had made for her. Her final thought as she slipped into unconscious, was a promise to herself. Tomorrow, no matter the consequences, she would tell him everything.
Chapter 21
The cold, brittle wind cut against his face, but he cared little as he walked determinedly through the empty streets. How had he allowed this to happen? Robert struggled to understand and now tried to remember, how he had let her slip through his fingers. To re-trace his actions and realise what he could possibly have done differently.
For Katherine had been right there beside him at Winfield. She had settled, on some level, into his family home, their family home. The servants had already warmed to her, and though the same could not be said of The Duchess, she had made a determined effort in building a closer relationship with Alison. He had observed his new wife around the manor, and had imagined her clearly in his future as the Duchess of Winfield.
Loyal to a fault, she had played the dutiful wife despite the mounting opposition of his aunt and the arrival of his past betrothed. Neither had been gentle in their approach. Not to mention, being so very far from home, the lack of contact with her own family and the severe pinings of her sister’s company.
With his own lack of attention and inaction, he had missed the opportunity of drawing her closer. Of moving their marriage from one of convenience, to openness and honesty, possibly even love. To treat her as his true wife. Instead, he had shirked that notion, his own fears driving her away. Away into that dangerous beast of a man, Ravenscroft.
The anger had not yet abated, for what he would have liked to do to the Baron, he could not articulate. The old man had completely taken advantage of her innocence and trusting nature. Cajoling her to his home under false pretences, and with every intention of ruining her, even with his own wife bedridden and riddled with illness above him in the same house!
There were no words to describe his unscrupulous behaviour and had it not been for the conversation with the Duchess that day, heaven only knows what could have ensued. It hardly bore thinking about, and even as he did, a sick feeling twisted in his gut.
What if he had never found out she had not returned home? What could have happened to her if the conversation with the Duchess had gone differently? For a certainty, he had arrived at the Barons manor not a moment too soon.
Standing there in that kitchen, her knuckles white as she gripped a broom to protect herself, he would struggle to recall seeing anyone as terrified. And yet her terror had not dissuaded the disgusting old man one iota. Had Robert not arrived when he did…no! He would not allow himself to think about the consequences. It only made the sick twisting in his stomach more severe.
It was over now, he had to move on. He had arrived and she was safe, with him. If he had his way, she would never be out of his sight again. There were now other pressing problems to occupy his mind and mull over besides that wretched Ravenscroft. He needed to consider where they were to go from here.
Up to this point, fear had held him back, suppressing him with a weight he struggled to push against. Terrified of her reaction, of her rejection, he had been nothing more than a coward. With his passive approach, he had allowed the situation to play out, in some desperate hope, that she would realise how he felt. That his actions would have shown her his true affection, and she would come to the conclusion of her own accord.
Unsure of her role, and uncertain of her future, his passivity had allowed the Duchess room and opportunity to plant a seed of doubt. To wheedle her own agenda into Katherine’s mind. He had no reservations that she had played a role in Katherine leaving. And he had stood by and permitted it to happen.
It had been his own apprehension that had brought them to this point, f
or had he told her his true feelings, perhaps, she would have stayed. Perhaps he could have prevented this whole ghastly experience. An incident he knew, would take some length of time for her to forget.
For he now found himself at a precipice. Glaring down into an abyss of the unknown. Nothing in this life was a certainty, but he had to imagine that there was hope. What was the gravest thing that could happen? For surely, it had occurred already. If her knowing how he felt, did not change her mind, then what more had he lost, for she had left him anyway.
Unlike his older brother George, he was not a gambling man by nature, but his chances could only be expanded by his disclosure. When she had left earlier that day, the torture he put himself through was like no pain he had ever experienced. Here, he had been handed another opportunity. A way to at least attempt to win her heart, to bring her back to him. If that meant he must make himself vulnerable, then it was a chance he was willing to take.
He did not want to pressure her though. They would still continue their journey back to York. Nor did he want her to be with him out of any obligation. For if he did disclose how he felt, how could he know her true reasons if she agreed to return to Kent with him?
Somehow, he would have to find out if she loved him as he loved her. He had never openly asked her but deep down, he knew her feelings were stronger than an amicable, pretend wife. The way she looked at him, how she acted in his presence, the tension that crackled between them - but he needed to know for certain. And tomorrow, he would ask her directly and pray that she had more courage than he.
***
Katherine had been exceedingly more reserved since the start of their journey, than he had ever experienced her before. It would make his mission more difficult, but he had to wonder what was going through her mind. Had it been his abrupt departure last night, leaving her alone whilst he cleared his head, treading the cobblestones in the bitter cold? Perhaps his actions had been too harsh, perhaps she had needed him there for comfort as she fell to sleep. Or maybe the horrific experience with Ravenscroft still haunted her, as he knew it would for quite some time yet.
They had already travelled more than a couple of hours in silence with only a few strained words shared between them. Seemingly pre-occupied, her concentration had presented with her continual gaze out of the window as the carriage rolled north.
He had resolved last night, to win her back. To discover her feelings for him and to disclose his love for her. But if he were to do that, it was evident, he would need to be the one to initiate it. Internally steeling himself, he took a deep breath in.
‘Katherine.’
His voice slowly pulled her from her trance and, almost in slow motion, she turned her head to look at him blankly.
‘I would very much like us to talk, if you are feeling up to it.’
Still not speaking, she nodded her head, though by her expression, her acquiescence appeared to be reluctant.
‘Things have not been the easiest for us since our wedding day, and I am ashamed to say, that you have had to bear the brunt of it, but I would very much like it, if we could start again.’
‘In what way, start again?’ She said quietly.
‘Katherine, I want you to return to Kent with me. For our marriage to no longer be one of convenience. For us to be a true husband and wife.’
For a long second, she did not reply until suddenly, her face crumpled and she burst into tears. It was not quite the reaction he had expected and it completely confused him.
‘What on earth is the matter?’ He pressed gently.
Katherine, struggling to speak, shook her head as the torrent of tears rolled down her cheeks. Heaving to breathe between the convulsions, her shoulders shuddered and Robert, completely disarmed, was at a loss as to what to do. He resorted to chivalry and, retrieving a handkerchief from his top pocket, handed it to her.
‘I am…so sorry.’ She said between sniffles. ‘I am so sorry that you think that all this is your fault. But it is not. And I have to confess something to you that will pain me terribly.’
Frowning, Robert was a little taken back. Evidently, she was referring to their conversation of last night. He had expressed his regret of not being open and honest with her from the beginning, for her choices may have been different if she had known the truth.
‘Katherine, I do not understand.’
The tears continued, and between the rasping breath and struggling to maintain her poise, she attempted to speak.
‘I lied to you Robert. It was all a lie.’
‘What on earth are you talking about?’
After another minute of heavy intakes of breath, and an effort to calm herself the tears, whilst still fresh, abated slightly.
‘The day you saved me when I fell from the horse.’
‘Yes?’
‘Oh Robert.’
‘Please Katherine, please, just tell me.’
‘I never lost my memory. At first, I was a little dazed and yes, for a very short time I forgot my name, however after that, it was all a lie.’
Robert, now glaring at her, seemed unable to find any words. His expression of bewilderment and shock seemingly reflected in her demeanour as, shrouded in shame and unable to look at him, she turned her eyes down and shook her head.
‘I should never have put you in that position. It was a spur of the moment decision. An opportunity to give me some time to figure a way out of marrying William. When I saw you riding across that field, how you saved me so gallantly. It gave me hope.’
Regaining his composure at least outwardly, Robert now looked intently at her, though internally, his mind still reeled from her confession.
‘I see.’
‘The situation just got away from me. In the moment, it gave me some breathing space. But I could not have imagined to where it would lead. I have always wanted to fall in love. To find someone who would love me in return. I could not settle just for any man, and certainly not Lord Sutton. For I knew, he was completely besotted and deeply in love with Melinda. When you saved me that day Robert, you not only saved me from being trampled, but you saved me from breaking my sister’s heart.’
Having believed her to be true from the very beginning, Robert now struggled with her confession. It was a complete blow, for she had played her part so very well. Whilst later on, he had suspected her memory had returned, he had had no inkling at all, that the original diagnosis was a lie.
Yet even now, he was unable to deny that he was in love with her. But the fact she had played him all along brought with it, repercussions. Perhaps all that he thought he knew of her feelings had also been an act. Daring to believe that she may have cared more deeply for him, his hopes were now crumbling.
‘I cannot expect you to forgive me,’ she continued timidly, ‘but I tell you this for the guilt has weighed so heavily upon me and you have a right to know the truth. Last night, when you assumed to take the entire blame of this situation, I could carry it no longer.’
‘That is the only reason you are telling me?’ Robert asked carefully.
Katherine suddenly put her hand to her head, sighing in some sort of discomfort. Her face drained of the little colour it had left, and he suddenly worried for her health.
‘Katherine!’
‘I am fine.’ She breathed, though not looking fine in the least. Taking another deep breath in, she finally looked at him. ‘I am truly sorry Robert. I tricked everyone, but more so you. My actions have been truly reprehensible, especially to all the people I love dearly.’
Robert now looked at her intently, for he could wait no longer. He needed to know if her act of deceit had spilled over into their entire time together. If everything she had purported to him, was a lie.
Desperately, he hoped her answer would not confirm it, but he could not know until he heard it from her own lips. She had already come this far, her confession releasing her guilt, he was only asking her to take one more step.