by Stevens, GJ
I heard her calm, sweet words crystal clear as she grabbed my hand and led me down the corridor to the sound of the heavy door slamming closed.
“I know somewhere,” she said as questions formed, but was forced to wait until I could remember how to get my mouth to work.
“Dan?” I managed to whisper, but she shook her head.
“They’re better off staying where they are,” she said, holding the door at the end of the corridor open and leading me to step over more bodies. Soldiers and civilians, but only one wore a gown, killed by a gunshot shattering his head open.
I didn’t care that not once did she check for life before she pushed the gun to each head, setting the air alight with each explosion.
My only concern was the pointless waste of bullets, or did she know something I didn’t?
14
Toni drove me through the corridors at a good pace, with my head twitching to noises which could have just been in my head. With each few steps I peered through open doors, out through windows and into the darkness, but never with enough time to fill the picture as Toni pushed on.
We climbed three storeys with my hand in hers. It felt wrong, but right at the same time. There was way too much going on in my head to even think of pulling away.
As we wound our way higher, I wanted to ask why we weren’t just heading outside, but I couldn’t find those simple words.
We came to a great sliding door which should have barred our way, but instead lay strewn to the side.
Blood streaked across its front, and at its foot lay a guard. Not a solider, but a man in a blue shirt, a great bunch of keys hanging by his side. Only as we approached did she let go of my hand to unclip the ring from his belt.
She didn’t administer the gun to his head. Someone had already done the job, the pool of blood slowing its escape.
The carpet felt soft and let my bare feet bounce; the sensation so alien.
Toni lit another cigarette, handing it over before we reached a door with metal letters across its front, forming words I only recognised as her name when they passed out of sight.
She let go a second time and using the great bunch to unlock the door, she led me in, turning the thumbwheel at her back and slapping at the light switch.
I took in the spacious office with a great oak desk taking over half the space in the centre. Everything ordered. Neat and clean. Just as I would have expected.
She didn’t stop for breath as we entered, instead ushering me to the long sofa filling the right-hand wall.
Sitting, I pulled on the glorious cigarette whilst watching as she raced around the room, pulling open the drawers of her desk, rifling through cupboards lining the floor and the wall.
On top of the floor-standing cupboards, a sink sunk into a countertop and tall laboratory instruments lined the surfaces, all clustered around a tall microscope. Beneath the counter sat what looked like the front of a white fridge that would seem at home in any kitchen.
I watched as she seemed to slow before glancing in my direction, glaring as if inspecting what she saw.
“You look like a granny,” she said at last with a smile.
I glanced down. With the white coat spread wide, the tweed skirt and frilled blouse caught my attention as if for the first time.
“She'll be pissed if she sees you in her clothes,” Toni said, then burst out laughing. “If she sees you at all.”
“Who?” I said, but the ridiculousness of my reply made me speak again before she could. “Toni, what’s happening to me?”
Her laughter cut short with my question and the lights in the room went dark.
I turned to Toni wide-eyed, watching as she held her palm in my direction, only lowering when the dim glow from the emergency light blinked to life above the door.
I turned to the great window, stood and walked around the desk, my gaze fixing on the yellow line appearing on the horizon. I had so many questions, but I struggled to fix on one. Thoughts raced around my head, each battling to fight against the growing fear of the hunger rising again.
“How long’s it been?” I said, the question blurted out, dry and hoarse. I turned to the window to hide my face as I winced at my choice of question. I drew a deep breath, trying to force myself to focus on the important questions.
Glad when she didn’t reply straight away, I was about to speak again when my gaze fixed on to the light on the horizon before turning down to the rest of the buildings bathed in darkness. Hadn’t I been able to see in the darkness when I was in the cell?
“Too long,” she said, her words turning muffled as she looked away, draining to silence. “I thought…” she started to say, but stopped herself as if she would choke on the words.
I winced again, this time with her reply, regretting leading her down this line.
“Toni, what’s going on?”
“A year, give or take,” Toni said, her voice flat.
“What’s…” was all I could get out until the words dried.
“I thought we’d never be together again,” she said, her words tailing off before her voice came back.
I was about to tell her that’s not why I was here, that nothing had changed between us when she spoke again.
“But I see you every week,” she said in a playful voice, as if changing her mood with a flick of a switch. I could tell from the muffle she looked away, still searching, but for what I didn’t know.
With each moment the sun seemed to rise more, highlighting the roofs of the shorter buildings below.
“I don’t get it,” I said, remembering her words as I turned back to the darkness. It took a moment for my vision to catch her shape moving in the corner.
“The little flared red dress you wore in Istanbul last week. That did it for me.”
“When I interviewed the president?” I replied, stepping away from the window and toward her shape.
The orange jumpsuit lay crumpled at her feet. With her hand at her back she unclipped her bra strap whilst stepping from a lace pair of knickers.
Blood raced around my body, filling me up, urging me on. I took a long drag of the cigarette and turned back to the window, but my thoughts fixed on her curves, the image of her slender body in the dim light stuck in my head.
Was I seriously letting her distract me from the shit going down all around? I took a deep pull on the cigarette, but still I couldn't shake the image.
“It’s been too long. There’s no escaping from our reality. I know that, but…” Toni said, again cutting herself off.
She was talking like we hadn’t seen each other because there was too much going on in our lives.
Yes, when we were together the weeks would pass by like hours. The rest of life set aside, blurring past the window unnoticed, but all it took was for one of us to remember we had other lives, or she’d see me glance at someone else or a call would come from an editor or her boss, and our time would be over.
At first, I thought neither of us could ask the other to make the sacrifice it would take so we could be together forever.
“Too many distractions,” she added.
Determined not to be drawn away, I spoke again.
“Why haven’t you answered my questions?” I said, turning back, but the rest of the words held stiff in my throat as with the clink of coat-hangers on the rail I marvelled at the jeans hugging her form. The dark marks across her face as she pulled down the tight jumper made me regret my tone.
I turned back through the window and caught movement below, people moving between the buildings. Soldiers. A rescue party perhaps.
Shoulders hunching tight, I realised they weren’t here to rescue me. They were here to rescue survivors. They were here to recapture Toni, my fate separate.
“The rescue party’s here to save the day,” I said.
“Look again,” she replied, but I was still watching.
My gaze lingered and I held back from taking another drag. After a moment the pain in my stomach gripped tighter, th
e light seeming to grow and with it my vision sharpened.
Dull forms took shape. I watched as civilians and lab coats came into focus. I watched their slow movement, their direction without aim. The mass of people seemed to grow in number with the light. I watched their stilted movement, turning only as they bumped into each other, changing direction only as they reached the walls. Like maggots writhing in a bowl.
As the light grew, I saw the mass swelling in and out against a chain-link fence, ebbing and flowing like the tide. I saw another fence beyond and rubbed the bite on my arm. A long drag helped the growing pressure slow and took away the detail.
“What is this place?”
“A research facility,” she replied, her voice getting near.
I recalled our conversation as the figure’s injuries took shape and dark marked clothes grew clear, each face radiating a blank expression.
Now I knew what I was looking at. I knew what they were trying to do. I knew what I’d been infected with.
“What is it you do here exactly?” I said. With surprise my breath remained even.
“Head of infection control,” she replied, her words louder than I expected.
I turned, my gaze catching at first on her bruised face so close. The cigarette dropped as my mouth shot open and my hands pushed to the syringe lunging for my thigh.
15
I lay on my back in the darkness, warm for the first time in what seemed like an age. The left side of my body felt heavy, paralysed under my weight; a soft cushion nestled beneath my head and I waited for the drip to fall to my face.
I couldn’t move my left arm, my body unresponsive despite the rising panic. Just as it seemed like all was lost, I opened my eyes to the dim light and glared down at the dark head of hair resting on my chest.
A memory flooded back. My last. The needle stinging at the top of my leg before collapsing as she pulled back.
“What the fuck?” I screamed, my voice building with every syllable as my right side reared up.
The head stirred, soon tilting around. Toni’s bleary eyes looked back as I scrabbled to the floor.
“What the fuck?” I repeated, pulling down my trousers and seeing the small circular plaster just below my hip.
“What the fuck?” I repeated, pulling them up, my anger towards her so familiar as she dropped back to the sofa, fists rubbing at her eyes as a deep yawn spread her mouth wide.
“What have you done this time?” I said in a desperate voice. “You'd better answer, or I’ll…” I said, cutting myself off, fascinated with the washed-out colours as if I wore sunglasses to smooth the edges of my vision and take the vibrancy from my senses.
Turning back, I glared with my impatience rising.
“Wait,” Toni said, getting to her feet.
I backed off, turning to look for any signs of what had happened whilst I’d been out cold. My gaze passed over the pistol on top of the desk, then stopped on a red jacket and skirt hanging on the back of the door. I lingered on the scarlet which seemed the only real colour in the room as our conversation from earlier pulled at my thoughts.
“Before I answer,” she said, holding her palms out as I turned back, “tell me how you feel.”
“Feel?” I said, snapping forward. “I’m fucking livid,” I said, my volume building.
She pushed her hands out, her mouth twisting in laughter as she fought for control.
“Take a moment, let yourself wake. Calm down and tell me how you feel.” She sat back, keeping her attention my way, her eyes doughy as she tilted her head to the side with her lips in a petite smile.
I turned away, knowing I had to fight that look. Taking a step to the window I tried to figure out what she meant. I looked out to the horizon and the perfect blue sky. My gaze caught on the carton of cigarettes and panic pushed into my chest.
Snapping back to Toni, I expected to see her leap in my direction, but instead her eyes were wide and hopeful as she perched on the edge of the couch.
I let my breath catch and sampled my feelings, tentative at first, noting all that came. As hard as I searched, the smell in the air stayed benign. Blank. Empty, with no earthy taste drawing my attention. My body gave no reaction, blood didn’t course like a tsunami and my heart didn’t pound out of my chest.
“I feel great,” I said, the words quiet, unsure. “What have you done? I feel like…” I said, struggling for the words. “Like…” I said again, not knowing how to get it out.
“Human again?” Toni said, standing, her eyes widening as I gave a slow nod.
“You’ve cured me?” I said with tears welling in my eyes, but she stepped towards me, shaking her head, her hands opening to pull me close. “I don’t understand.”
I had her in my arms, the rage from before replaced with a compassion, a gratitude that I didn’t feel the need to pull away her flesh from bone. I didn’t feel the overwhelming need to lap at her open veins.
Her arms tightened around me, pulling closer as she spoke.
“It’s not a cure,” she said, her voice soft. “But it will suppress the symptoms for a while and with enough doses it might work.”
I tried to pull away, but her arms held me in place.
“How do you know? How can you be sure?” I searched, frantic for her answer when no reply came. “Please, tell me or my brain will explode.”
Her arms tightened further, clamping on for dear life. Her lunge flashed in my mind as the sound of distant gunshots rang in my ears and an explosion shocked the fabric of the building.
“They’re coming,” Toni said.
“I don’t care who’s coming. Just tell me please. How do you know?”
After a pause, she spoke with a soft voice.
“It’s my formula.”
My knees gave way and I staggered back.
16
“You did this?” I shouted, struggling to stay upright, my legs like jelly.
“No,” Toni shouted back as she stepped forward, trying to gather me up.
“But you made the drug,” I said, slapping away her outstretched arms.
“It’s the same thing you were given when you arrived. It was developed as a vaccine,” she said as I scrabbled back, bumping against her desk. “But it wasn’t ready. Wasn’t for human testing. They didn’t give me enough time. I told them it wasn’t for use on humans yet.”
I stopped, confused thoughts racing around my brain and I listened to my panting breath as she continued to hurry out the words before I could process.
“I need more doses?”
“Yes,” she said. “But I don’t know how many.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me when we got here? Why attack me?” I said, but already my mind raced onto the next question.
“We didn’t have time. I could see it in your eyes. I’m sorry, okay. I should have spoken to you first,” she said holding her hands out into the gap between us.
“Wait. How do you know what they’ve done to me?” I said, a sudden rush of cold air blanketing my shoulders.
“There were more tests to do, more protocols to follow. They refused to let me finish the work and when they told me to jump straight to the trials, I threatened to go to the media.”
“Why such a rush?” I said with the shake of my head as I wiped away the last of my tears across the back of my hand.
Toni paused, swallowing down as she took a moment before her words came slow and quiet.
“There’s been an outbreak. A small village south east of here.” She paused again, her eyes widening as she watched the alarm on my face. “One of our team took himself off sick.”
I reared back, already seeing where this was going. Already seeing the shame in her face as I opened my mouth.
“Bitten?”
She nodded. “But, of course, we didn’t know at the time. He shouldn’t have had any contact with the subjects so he wasn’t followed up or put in one of the quarantine quarters downstairs.”
“Bitten by what? You said you we
ren’t testing on humans yet.”
“You can’t call them human. Not at that stage.” Toni watched intensely as a scowl set on my face. “I promise,” she said, moving forward. “We didn’t infect him.”
I pushed the weight of the new questions to the side and wound back to one I needed the answer to.
“The outbreak,” I said, urging her to finish the story.
She took another deep breath and turned away to the window before speaking. “The village is sealed up. Nothing’s going in or out. The problem will be resolved soon.”
“But?” I said when she stopped talking. All our years of being so close told me she was holding back.
“There’s a small window where anything could have happened.”
“You mean someone could have been bitten and hasn’t been contained,” I said.
Toni nodded.
“How likely is it?”
She paused again as if weighing up her words. “There were calls to the police. A fight.”
I could feel my brow rising as she spoke.
“We haven’t traced all those who were involved in the incident.”
I waited for a long while before I could bring myself to speak. When she edged closer, I backed off, my shoulders tensing.
“I still don’t get it. One outbreak and it’s like we’re in Nazi Germany,” I said, watching her purpling cheeks twitch at my words.
Toni leant forward. “It’s like nothing we’ve ever seen. Forget Spanish Flu, Pneumonic plague, Ebola. Those are like the common cold compared to this. Our predictions show a mortality rate of one hundred percent. We’re talking global killer. Full stop. The decision came from very high up.”
“So why not go to the media? Tell the people something so they would cooperate?”
“Not my decision,” she replied in a sharp tone, as if she was losing patience with the questions. “I called you.”