by T. L. Tate
I took a step back and turned away. While she picked herself off the ground I headed towards the sliding doors that led to our wide back yard. I felt her behind me before she softly spoke. "Jake."
I turned to face her, "Please don't touch me."
She took a small step back. "Okay. I'm sorry."
I turned back to the window. There was no moon shining in the sky. If there were stars then they were too dim to see. It had become dark so the only thing I could see was our shared reflections in the window. Now that I wasn't looking directly at her, I could see her watching me with unguarded fear, wanting, pain, embarrassment and shame. I didn't understand why she didn't just come to me. Why did she let the flirting progress to this point? We could've made it work, together.
I had a decision to make. One: I could end things right now. We both slept with other people so I was no better than her. Therefore, how could this marriage even last? Two: We could try to work things out. But was it even worth trying? The old me would've but the new me felt no loyalty to those old emotions.
I thought about the tears I shed when I let loose my feelings and slammed my hand on the table. No, maybe there is still some loyalty to those old feelings.
My voice was low and haggard. "You can sleep in the guest bedroom. On Monday we'll need to find a marriage counselor."
I saw relief flash in her eyes and she smiled, shyly. "Of course. I'm so sorry, Jake."
I nodded and then walked away.
I was too tired to fight anymore that night. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed upstairs. I took a long hot shower and crawled in bed with the wine.
I woke up to the smell of coffee and bacon. I blinked several times and tried to drift back to sleep but the combined smells were too damn cloying. I looked at the clock. It read 7:30 AM. I crawled out of bed and slid into my slippers and then headed for the kitchen.
Rachel had made a virtual smorgasbord. There were pancakes and bacon. Eggs and English muffins. Sliced fruit and piping hot coffee.
She was humming to herself as her petite frame was draped in a revealing red-laced nightie. I watched her little ass sway as she played some song in her head. I didn't make a sound. I stood against the entranceway and watched. I felt an instant attraction to the woman who had been my primary focus for years. I also felt anger at knowing she was doing this as way of an apology.
I didn't know whether to stomp away or rip that nightie off of her petite and lithe body and have my way with her.
I settled for neither.
Whistling, I walked into the kitchen. "Wow. It's been a while since you've cooked."
She didn't know I was there, and she chirped out when I spoke. "Jake! I didn't know you were there."
"I gathered." I pulled up a chair as I checked her out.
Her long dark hair was curled loosely on the ends. Her big brown eyes were red and puffy, like she had been crying. Her pillow-y lips were glossy and seemed extra plump. Her sharp cheek bones were flush, thanks to her make-up. Her small breasts were visible through the material of her nightie. I watched as her nipples slowly started to harden. I smirked. If she only knew the things I wanted to do to her.
"I-I made you breakfast, Jake."
"I see that." I poured myself a cup of coffee then reached for the creamer. She reached it before me and tilted it over my coffee. "Thanks."
"Mmhmm."
If you're thinking that things got awkward...you'd be right. I silently ate my food while she watched. I knew her cues. She was trying to say something but didn't have the courage to spit it out.
Finally, I had had enough. "If you have something to say then just say it, Rachel. All this hemming and hawing is giving me a headache."
She looked at me again, as if she was seeing me for the first time. Apparently she liked this new, zero-chill, me. "Uh, well I was just wondering how you found out. That's all. Like, did someone tell you or?"
She let the question hang in the air. I knew what she really wanted to know. She wanted to know if Toni had spilled the beans.
I didn't even feel bad when I lied. "No. No one told me. I found a flight itinerary in the printer."
She bit her thumb as she digested my words. "Oh, okay. I thought I grabbed that."
"Well you didn't." It was odd having this conversation. Rachel asking me how I found out about her affair and my casual response made me feel like was I having an out of body experience. Normally, I sucked at lying but not now. Now it seemed to come so naturally that you'd think I'd been doing it all of my life.
I finished the rest of my breakfast and pushed back my chair. Standing, I walked to the stairs. "Thanks for breakfast."
I left before she could respond.
That morning I ran on the treadmill in our home but forewent my yoga exercises. As I was walking back to the master bedroom, I walked passed the guest bedroom. Right there, on the bed was the red chemise and panties that she sent in the text message. It still had the tags on it. I had no idea what it was doing in my home of all places, let alone on the guest bed. Nevertheless, that negligee was something she bought when she was with him. As far as I was concerned those were cursed items. So, without making a sound I walked into the room, scooped them up and carried them down to the kitchen where I took our cooking shears and shredded them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel waves of satisfaction as I watched shreds of the material float down into the garbage can and become tangled with used coffee grounds and cracked egg shells.
Feeling 20lbs lighter, I skipped up the stairs and into my shower.
If Rachel wondered about the fate of her ill-gotten negligee, she didn't say anything to me. However, I did happen to overhear a conversation on my way to the kitchen. Rachel had her phone pressed tightly to her ear as she whispered into the phone. "Look we're through! I've got a marriage to consider. I don't love you and I don't want to see you anymore. Don't call me anymore!"
I kept walking. It was too little too late as far as I was concerned.
Both, Rachel and I spent the day moving around each other. Other than breakfast, we were never in the same room at the same time. On her part, there didn't seem to be any animosity. She must've just been too embarrassed—which I get. As far as I was concerned, I simply couldn't stomach spending time with her. When I would look at her it was impossible not to imagine his hands all over her body. I could see her squeezing him as he moved inside of her and it made me sick to my stomach. So I avoided her. I promised we would do therapy, but I honestly didn't feel a whole lot of confidence in that. The likely prognosis...our marriage was doomed.
Monday was my first day in my new position so I went to bed early. It was right after midnight that Rachel made her move. I wish I could say that it was a surprise but she had dropped enough hints throughout the day that I knew it was just a matter of time.
I woke to a warm sensation enveloping me. The room was cloaked in darkness but I would know her touch and the feel of her body if I was encased in concrete and tossed into the deepest canyon.
Her lips were firmly wrapped around my member and she moaned as if it was the most delicious treat. Interesting how only three days ago she treated giving me a blowjob the same way that a priest would treat a strip club. There was nothing but disdain. Now she was sucking my cock like her life depended on it...no, more like if our marriage depended on it.
Despite myself, a moan escaped my lips. It did feel incredible but I wouldn't be bought off so easily. I placed my hands on her shoulders and pushed her up. When she released my cock, she did so with a pop.
"Rachel, no."
Somehow she had managed to remove my pants without rousing me. My bottom half was naked and exposed. I could feel the smoothness of her skin as she slowly climbed up my body. Her breasts were too small to give a proper boob job, but that didn't stop her from squeezing them together and having her breasts close on my dick like they were giving it a kiss. I loved it and she knew that. Her stomach was next. It glided over my cock slowly, hinting at the prize that
was only moments from making an appearance. Already, this was more foreplay than we've performed in years. She expertly revved all of my engines well passed the red line and I was ready to race down the road in overdrive.
When I felt her full bush, my cock jumped in excitement. My lower half was screaming. Telling me to forgive and forget. But my brain was still in control...barely...and it was telling me that it wasn't going to have any of it. And my heart...well, my heart was M.I.A.
Her small frame was perched on top of me. I could feel her breath on my neck as she lined her wet pussy up to my cock. I grabbed her hips and held her in place, refusing to let her take the last step.
"Please, baby. I want it. I need it."
"Rachel."
She wasn't listening. Instead she started rocking her hips back and forth. I could feel the wetness of her pussy. I knew she was more than ready but I wasn't, despite my cock straining against my body like a dog looking for food.
"Please make love to me, baby." Her voice was whinny but soft. She knew that she had an uphill battle if she wanted things to go back to the way they were.
"Rachel, no." I probably should've been more forceful but with the competing desires in my body that was the most force that I could muster.
"Jake, I'm sorry." She started kissing and nibbling on my neck. "Jake, please. Just use me. Be as rough with me as you want to be. You can do anything you want to me. You can fuck my pussy. You can fuck my ass. You can even fuck my throat. I don't care. I just need you to wreck me."
Before she embarrassed herself more, I lifted her off of me and set her on the bed beside me. Her eyes brightened when she thought that I had accepted her invitation but my following words extinguished those hopes.
"It's not going to work, Rachel. You can't throw yourself at me and hope that I forget about these last four months and your affair. You can't seriously think that I'm stupid or weak enough to want you after what you did. As far as I'm concerned you've been tarnished beyond repair. You're damaged goods and I won't buy what you're selling. I'm not going to be wrapped around your little finger anymore. You feel guilty. Good! You should! But I'm not going to make you feel better and punish you. I'm not going to treat you like a disposable tool. I said that we would try marriage counseling and we will but right now I want you to get the fuck out of my bed."
She affected a piteous pout and continued to whine. "Jake, please! I'm sorry. Do we really need to do the counseling?"
I crossed my arms over my chest. "Humph! We don't have to do anything. I don't have to let you stay here. I don't have to stay married to you. We don't have to be together anymore."
She crawled over to the edge of the bed, her limbs moving with more speed than I thought they were capable. Her brown eyes were wide. "No, Jake. Please. I can't lose you. I can't! It would kill me. I love you so much, Jake. I do. I swear!"
I sighed and reminded myself that she wasn't alone in this. I failed her twice. Once by not acknowledging the changes in her and trying harder to be what she needed. Second, when I had sex with her sister. Although, that second one was in response to her months of infidelity. Nevertheless, that doesn't take away what I did.
I pressed my hand over my eyes. When I spoke my voice rang with exhaustion. "Listen, Rachel. I'm not trying to threaten you or beat you up. The fact is that I'm angry and hurt and being around you is hard because I can't stop thinking about all the things you and he did together. It's like a movie scene on repeat. I just keep seeing it. It hurts and I hate you for what you did."
She was crying. "Jake, he meant nothing. You're my whole world. You're everything to me, baby."
"Rachel, you can't say that he meant nothing when you would've rather have been with him than with me on my birthday. You can't say that it meant nothing when you slept with him repeatedly for months. You just can't say that."
"Jake. I'm sorry, honey. I'm really very sorry."
"That may be but sorry doesn't work for shit in this case. I need you to leave. I'm not going to have sex with you. I'm not going to make it easy for you to forgive yourself. You need to suffer and deal with the guilt on your own. You're not worth my time or energy right now. Please, get out."
I know that it was cruel but that was how I felt. I pointed towards the door. She cast one final tear soaked glance at me and then climbed off the bed and disappeared through the door.
It took me an entire hour to fall back to sleep. That night I dreamed of her. She was lovely and unspoiled just like I remembered her. Her laugh created a sweet wind that carried with it clouds of happiness and hope. Then suddenly dark and ominous clouds overshadowed the bright white clouds. These clouds had hands. They reached down and grabbed her from the ground and carried her to the sky, out of my reach. These clouds touched, pulled and tore apart her clothes. The worst part was that she was unafraid. She reveled in the clouds embrace and all the while I watched, as she got lost in the touches of another.
The next morning I found Rachel in the kitchen again. She'd made breakfast smoothies and toast and was in the process of putting together a lunch for me. I noticed she didn't pack one for herself and then realized the reason was because she took the day off. She left Friday with her lover and wasn't planning on returning until today. Of course, she wouldn't be working.
Rachel forewent her contacts today and instead wore a studious pair of eyeglasses. Her long hair was pulled into a tight ponytail. She wore a powder-blue halter with no bra and a pair of gold with silver-laced shorts with the word "Angel" on her butt in blocked letters.
"Good morning, Jake. Big day, today. Here's your breakfast."
So I guess we were just going to gloss over last night. "Thanks. Yeah, I start my new position."
"Do you think you're ready for it?"
This was a strange conversation. It was like she wanted to talk about anything that didn't involve us. She hasn't cared two fucks about my work for years but now she's suddenly interested. Yeah. Something's fishy.
"If I wasn't ready they wouldn't have offered me the job."
I ate my toast and drank my smoothie while she busied with finishing my lunch.
"I-I'll call around for some therapists today. When do you want me to schedule an appointment?"
I didn't even bat an eye. "The sooner the better, I'd say."
She nodded. "I-I-I didn't like last night, Jake."
"Which part?"
"I didn't like when you told me that I was tarnished. I didn't like when you kicked me out. I don't like what's happened to us." Her voice was still piteous but I didn't know if it was an act.
I told her the truth. "I don't like it either, Rachel. You were everything to me and now the blinders have been taken off and I can see that you're not the saint that I thought you were. I feel like I've wasted years of my life on you. You weren't worth any of it."
"Jake, please don't say that."
I knew this was hurting her. It wasn't my intention but why beat around the bush?
"Jake?" Her eyes were wet with tears.
"Yes?"
"Do you think you'll ever love me again?"
"Honestly? I'm not sure."
She nodded again and I left to get ready for work.
When I climbed out of the shower, Rachel was there, sitting on the bed.
"Rachel? What's up? What are you doing in here?"
Her eyes were resolute and swollen. "It wasn't a mistake."
I just about lost it. If I hadn't been half naked I might've rushed her. As it were, I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could, I asked, "What wasn't a mistake?" If she said that her affair wasn't a mistake then naked or not, I was going to throw her pretty ass out of that window.
"You loving me. That wasn't a mistake."
Suddenly, the anger drained out of me and I was left standing there in shock. "Oh."
"Y-yeah. You might think that but I will make you fall in love with me again. I will be whatever you need me to be. I won't lose you, Jake. I won't."
It was a strange sor
t of declaration, but a declaration nonetheless.
She walked over to me and pressed her little body against mine. I was still shaken by her declaration and didn't stop her as she stood on her toes and her lips pressed against mine.
I could picture it. Her small, pale body pressed right against my half naked ebony body. Her angel shorts hugging her little ass and her long hair swaying from her movements. We made a handsome couple I just didn't know if we would stay that way. After kissing me, she left me to reflect upon her declaration. Of course, my heart picked that moment to come out of hiding and all the heartbreak and former love came rushing back.
"Shit! What the fuck am I going to do?"
No one answered so I got dressed and went to work.
"No fucking way! So she flew straight home?" Toni was sitting on my desk as I was going over several memos and answering emails. The morning had been a rousing success and my new team was poised to make waves. If I couldn't count on my personal life then I knew that I could always count on my professional one.
"Yeah, she showed up about 6 hours after you left."
"Hmm." Batteries must’ve powered Toni’s legs because they never stopped moving, even when her dark pencil skirt rode up her thigh. She looked smart in a dark blue blouse, charcoal pencil skirt and pumps.
I turned my attention away from my computer. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be headed out to a meeting?"
She rolled her eyes. "Stop trying to get rid of me. I'm trying to fix your marriage."
I sat back in my chair, the new leather making an obnoxious squeak. "No. You're just being nosy."
She flashed a bright smile. "Guilty!" She hopped off of my desk and moved in front of me so I was forced to scoot my chair back. "But seriously, what are you going to do?"
"I honestly don't know, Toni. She's been throwing herself at me left and right." I paused here. I know that Toni said she didn't want to come between Rachel and I but it was hard to believe considering the fact that just two days ago Toni and I had sex. Surely, she didn't want to hear about her sister's attempts to seduce me...regardless of how cavalier she could be.