by Claire Adams
“Well, I just took a break from going over the notes for my new client,” I said.
“Oh, yeah, how is that going?”
“Great,” I said happily. “I went by the space today, and it’s like a dream come true. I have so many ideas, but I have to keep myself restrained. I can’t go flying off the handle and just start making samples for her. She gave me artistic freedom, which is insane, and she’s not even going to be in town until after the whole place is done. All she asked was that I send over my markups before I started, just in case there are any glaring issues. I can’t tell if she is nuts for giving me this opportunity or just plain too rich to care. Either way, I’m not wanting to jinx myself. Anyway, how was your day?”
“It was okay,” he said. “Got lots of work done and got all the payroll done for the guys.”
“How was dinner?”
“Well, that is another story,” he said with a sigh. “It’s actually the reason that I’m calling you in the first place.”
“What happened?”
“I told Kayla about us,” he said. “It wasn’t in my plans, but I felt really guilty for lying to her and it just kind of came out.”
I sat there for a moment, running the words over in my mind. I really wanted to be there when he told her so that she could see that I wasn’t a threat, but I also understood what kind of friendship those two had. They were like best pals, and I couldn’t even imagine how hard it had to be for him to continuously lie to her about where he was going, where I was, and how his day went. It was exhausting just thinking about it.
The way he told me, though, it really struck me in my core, and I could feel my nerves starting to bubble up inside of me. His tone of voice was not one that I would expect to hear if he was following that statement up with good news. In fact, his tone of voice was actually kind of terrifying, and I couldn’t even start to imagine what he was going to tell me. How bad could it have been? She was probably upset and didn’t understand, but eventually, she would come around. For some reason, even though I was telling myself that over and over again in my head, I couldn’t seem to believe it.
I was actually kind of pissed at myself for not going over there for dinner. If I had been there, he probably wouldn’t have told her at all. And if he still had told her, at least I could have been there in person to ease her mind. I knew that it had to be really hard for Kayla to imagine her father with anyone other than her mother, but that was something that wasn’t going to go away until she really started to see him with someone else. I took in a deep breath and prepared myself to hear what was coming next. I really just wanted to hang up the phone and pretend that he never called and never approached me with bad news. I knew how important Kayla was to him, and I knew how much he would sacrifice to make sure that she was okay.
“To say that she didn’t take it well would be an understatement,” he said. “There was screaming that I could barely understand, followed by the most horrible sobbing scene I have ever witnessed from my daughter. I don’t want you to take it personally. All she thinks is that her mother is going to come back home, like she is just at the grocery store or something. She has no idea of the reality of the situation. She really does like you. She had just gotten done telling me how she missed you before I told her. It’s all about her and her thoughts and understanding of what it means to be divorced. To her, the piece of paper doesn’t matter because she sees the relationship, not the legality of it all. It was heartbreaking.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I said, saddened.
“No, don’t be sorry.” He sighed again. “I’m pretty sure she needed to get that out of her system. She hadn’t cried like that since she was a baby with colic.”
“So where do we go from here?”
“I really don’t know,” he said. “She is so distraught over this. It’s hard to think about anything but making her feel better.”
“I understand, but eventually, she has to learn that it will happen,” I said, trying not sound insensitive.
“I know, and I agree,” he said. “I can’t live my life based on what my daughter thinks is going to happen with her mother. At the same time, though, this was really bad. I really, really have intense feelings for you, Alissa. In fact, I care so deeply for you that it broke my heart knowing that Kayla wasn’t going to accept our relationship, at least not soon. I think that for now, it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I don’t want to make that decision, but I have to do what is best for Kayla. Right now, what is best is being a father that understands what his daughter’s boundaries are and knowing that it will take time for her to understand her mother is not going to be part of this family again.”
I could hear the desperation in his voice, and I knew that he was telling the truth. I knew that this was really difficult for him to do and that he wished there was another option. I wanted to tell him no and fight back against what he was saying, but I also knew that it would make a difficult situation even worse. I could sit there all day and cuss Christina out, but it wouldn’t change a damn thing, except make me even more miserable. I had to be brave, be supportive, and show him that I would be okay, even if I wasn’t sure if I really would be.
“I understand,” I said reassuringly. “You are an amazing father for putting her needs before yours, and I would never want to be the cause of so much pain for Kayla. She is an amazing little girl, and hopefully, one day, when you and she are ready, we can try this again. I know that if she let me in her life, she would really enjoy our time together, just like she has with the decorating and babysitting that I’ve done with her.”
“Thank you so much, Alissa, for being so wonderful about this,” he said sadly. “I want you to know that I won’t give up on this. And if you are there when she is ready, I will be knocking down your door to beg you to take me back.”
“There won’t be any begging necessary,” I said, faking a laugh. “But I have to get going. I have a lot of work to do.”
“All right,” he said. “Talk to you soon.”
I hung up the phone and set it down on the table, pulling myself from the couch and walking toward the living room door. As soon as I reached the archway, I grabbed onto the door frame and burst into tears, grabbing myself around the waist and sitting down right there on the floor. My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest, and the sobs just kept coming, one after another, without control. I let myself have that moment, that moment of release that I didn’t even know that I would need to have. I leaned my head back against the doorframe, feeling the tears rolling down and splattering against my silk button-up dress shirt. I took in a deep breath and shook my head, closing my eyes. The emotions were so intense, worse than I had experienced before, and I knew that it was because I had fallen in love with Ryan, and I didn’t even realize it until that moment.
Chapter 21
Ryan
It was already creeping into early June, and it was brutally hot outside. Time was really starting to fly by. After I broke it off with Alissa, I kind of just put my head down and bulldozed forward, trying to ignore the nagging pain in my chest every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed.
Kayla was back to being relatively happy again, although she clearly didn’t understand the situation because she kept asking for Alissa to babysit her. Every time someone brought up Alissa’s name, I cringed, not because I disliked her, but because the memory of her was still burning strongly in my chest. That night, I was more than glad to be getting off a long day at work and heading over to the local bar to have a few drinks with Juan.
Life had been busy with the summer schedule kicking into full gear a week or so early, since the hot weather crept in without warning. Both my company and Juan’s were in crazy mode, and neither of us were getting much time to breathe, much less hang out to discuss life over a beer. It had been the first time I had seen him since I told him I was interested in someone, long before Alissa and I finally realized our feelings for ea
ch other. I had thought about calling him when I broke it off with her, but I knew he was happy with his new girlfriend, and I didn’t want to unload anymore of my tragic love life onto him. He had endured enough of that during the whole Christina thing.
When I got to the bar, I found Juan sitting in his normal spot on the left side of the bar facing the door. He was eating what looked to be some sort of sandwich from the bar kitchen and sipping on his beer. I walked over, laughing and shaking my head.
“You know, eating food like that is what causes most of the health issues in the country today,” I said, patting him on the back.
“Hey,” he said with a jolly tone, looking down at his plate. “Yeah, well, Maria has me on this diet to lower my cholesterol, and I am seriously starving man. Don’t tell her.”
“Your secret is safe with me, until you have a stroke,” I said, pretending to lock my mouth and put the key in my pocket. “How’s work?”
“Hell,” he said, laughing. “You?”
“Same,” I replied, wiping the sweat from my brow and ordering a beer. “It’s going to be a long next few months for me and my men working outside.”
“I know what you mean,” he said, looking up at the television playing the weather forecast. “It’s already in the triple digits out there, and it is just the beginning of June. I can’t even imagine what August is going to feel like. It’s a good thing I’m from Mexico, man. I have heat in my blood. You? I assume you’ll burst into flames.”
“I’ll be sure to keep the hose nearby.” I chuckled, swallowing a big gulp of my beer and letting the cold brew wash into my chest. “So how are things? I mean beyond Maria controlling your diet.”
“Good, man,” he said, smiling. “My sister is getting married soon.”
“Really? That is awesome. Please tell her congrats from Kayla and me,” I said, smiling. “She deserves to be happy.”
“You’ll be getting an invitation, though you might be the only white boy there.” He laughed. “Maria and I are still going strong. She really keeps me straight, you know? She makes sure that I am healthy, happy, and it’s probably the best I’ve felt for a really long time. She has opened up a whole new world for me, and I love going home and seeing her smiling face.”
“You two live together now?”
“Yeah,” he said, laughing. “She was at my place all the time, and it just made sense. Now, I get to come home to this beautiful woman wrapped in an apron, cooking something delicious, and giving me some major love. I really don’t know how I’ve survived all of these years without her.”
“By eating terrible bar food and playing a game of luck with your health.” I laughed. “She might have come right in the nick of time.”
“You’re telling me.” He laughed. “How is the munchkin?”
“She’s doing better,” I said. “She is smiling again, laughing, playing with her friends, and all the stuff a normal seven-year-old is supposed to do. She turns eight on the Fourth of July, so make sure you leave your calendar open for her party during the day.”
“I will, and you can meet Maria,” he said. “She’s starting to think I made you up.”
“Maybe you did,” I said, raising my eyebrows over my mug of beer and laughing.
“How about you? How is your love life?”
Immediately, my heart dropped, and my face cringed, Alissa immediately flowing back through my mind. I wasn’t bitter. I had been the one to make the decision, but I thought about her every day. Talking about it only seemed to make it worse, though I hadn’t really talked about it with anyone. Juan and I had been so busy that the conversation hadn’t come up at all. I was hoping I would get through the time at the bar without it coming up as well, but I should have known that wasn’t going to happen. I gulped my beer down and ordered another, instantly wanting to stop the aching in my belly. Juan sighed and patted me on the back.
“That bad, huh?” He shook his head and took in a deep breath. “I don’t know a lot, but the last I heard was that you had hired Alissa to redecorate your house and you guys ended up turning it into a real relationship. I was really happy for you. I knew that if you got yourself in a real relationship that meant you really cared about the girl. I’m sorry that it didn’t go the way that you wanted it to. These things can be tough after going through the situation that you went through.”
I didn’t want to talk about this, even though I thought it would make me feel better. I wanted to pretend like it never happened, and that my heart wasn’t broken all over again. To be honest, I was really shocked at how sad I was when things ended. I didn’t realize how much I had cared for Alissa. At the time, I chalked it up to the fact that my heart was already in a sensitive position, and I had gone headfirst into it without thought or worry that it wouldn’t work out in the end. I was so sure of myself and of my feelings for Alissa. I really thought that Kayla would be okay with it in the end, but her crazy outburst made me realize I was thinking with my chest and not with my head. I was living in a dream world, thinking that life was going to be that kind and that simple for me.
“I tell you, man, I don’t even know where to start with all of that,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not really sure whether we are on a pause or completely broken up. Everything happened so fast, and I was forced to make a split-second decision that I wasn’t prepared to make. I walked into things headfirst with Alissa and was so damn sure that there was nothing that would end how happy we really were. I blinded myself, I think.”
“So, what happened? Did you freak out? Did she?”
“No, man, nothing like that.” I sighed. “Everything had been perfect. I mean, we’d spent weeks dating on the down low, not ready to tell Kayla yet. We really got to know each other on a whole other level. It was really special. Then, one night at dinner with Kayla, I just felt like I couldn’t lie to her anymore. She deserved the truth. Well, the truth seemed to be a bit more than she was ready to handle, and she broke down. She screamed at me about Mother’s Day, and then just started sobbing uncontrollably, blaming me for not trying hard enough with her mother. I asked her if it was too soon, and she said yes, so I let Alissa down gently.”
“You know,” he said with a deep breath. “I highly respect the fact that you care so much about your daughter that you would make your decisions based on her happiness. That being said, you have to remember something. You are never going to be the best father you can be if you, yourself, aren’t happy.”
“I know.” I sighed. “Well, I thought I knew. It just broke me that she thought I was the reason her mother hadn’t come back yet. I don’t want her to think that way about me.”
“Yeah,” he said. “But breaking up with Alissa may have given Kayla the belief that getting back with her mother was an option. Letting her believe that, is going to hurt her a lot more in the long run than letting her understand now, and grow in that understanding as she matures. It is a hard thing to swallow, breaking your child’s heart, but life is tough, and one day, she will appreciate that you told her the truth. Every day that her mother doesn’t walk back through those doors is another day her heart aches. If she doesn’t expect it, she might be able to move forward.”
“She just started feeling better,” I said, rubbing my face. “To turn around and break that all over again is unthinkable.”
“It’s going to happen sooner or later, whether it comes from you, or she figures it out on her own,” he said. “It’s much better to come from a gentle hand that is there to catch her when that world collapses on top of her. On top of that, you can’t stay single forever. You will be miserable. Whether it’s Alissa or some other woman, if you start dating and she still believes her mother is coming back, you will put your significant other in a terrible place with your daughter. She will hate your new love interest, and knowing Kayla’s sass, she will make her feel really bad about herself.”
“This sucks,” I said, drinking my second beer. “I feel trapped in my own life. I still feel trapped under the w
eight of Christina and her decisions. She put me in a position where moving on like she did a long time ago made it impossible for me to do so without hurting my daughter, and all after I had to take the brunt of the blame from Kayla when Christina first left. It’s not fucking fair, man.”
“Very true,” he said. “But you have to make the best of what you have. Kayla will come around, and she will learn to love whoever you love, but only if she understands that your ex is not coming back. She needs to understand that she is not coming back because she chose long ago that she didn’t want to be there. It’s a lot for a little girl, but it will be even heavier if she gets older and finds out she was lied to. She will be angry at you for lying, angry and hurt with her mother, and she will feel guilty for the way she treated you as a child. That, my friend, is the really unfair part of it all. Unfortunately, Christina did this to her own child, and now, it has to be brought to a head so she can really start healing.”
“I understand,” I said with a sigh.
“Good,” Juan said, drinking the last of his beer, throwing some money on the counter, and slapping me on the back. “I gotta get home, or Maria will start questioning what I ate.”
“All right.” I laughed. “Thanks, man. It’s always helpful to talk.”
“You got this,” he said, smiling. “I have faith in you.”
Chapter 22
Alissa
I straightened my skirt and walked carefully across the parking lot to the front doors of the restaurant. It was the first time I had put on clothes outside of work that weren’t sweats or yoga pants since Ryan broke our relationship off. Tonight, though, Bella called me out to our favorite Italian joint to have dinner and get me out of the house. I didn’t tell her, but I knew she knew I was moping around, feeling like absolute shit for the last few weeks. I hadn’t even had the balls to really talk about how I was feeling about anything.