by Claire Adams
“I didn’t know if anyone was hungry or thirsty or if you guys needed anything,” I start.
Jessica shakes her head and Kristin ignores me entirely. Harold thanks me for the offer, but tells me that none of them are likely to eat anything until the surgery’s completed.
“All right,” I say. “Just let me know if you need anything. I’ll be right out here.”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Jessica asks.
“Sure,” I answer and we walk outside.
“I appreciate what you’re doing,” she says when we’re clear of the doorway, “but you really don’t have to stick around here. It’s probably going to be a while before we hear anything, and I think it might be best if you head home and get some sleep. I know I got you up really early and it’s already been a pretty long day for you.”
“I really don’t mind staying,” I tell her, “but if you’d feel more comfortable if I were to go, then I’ll do that. Whatever you need.”
“Thanks,” she says. “I’ll call you later, all right?”
“All right,” I tell her. “Please do let me know if you need anything or if you want to talk—”
“No, that’s fine,” she snaps, then softens her tone. “I’ll let you know if we need anything. You can take my car if you need to,” she adds.
“I couldn’t do that,” I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.
“Kristin drove,” she says, “so she can drop me off on her way home.”
“All right,” I tell her again. “Just call if you need anything.”
“I will,” she says and smiles. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I tell her. “Let me know if you need to talk—”
“That’s all right,” she says interrupting me. “I’d better get back in there.”
It’s not until I’m down the hall, down the elevator, out the door of the hospital, across the parking lot, and starting up her car that I realize why she reacted the way she did when I told her we could talk: my mother died of cancer.
* * *
I’m home for a few hours before I convince myself that it’s all right to get some sleep. I don’t dream, or if I do, I don’t remember any of it.
When I wake, it’s to the sound of my phone chiming.
With blurry eyes, I look at the screen.
It’s a message from Jessica.
The message reads, “If I were to stop by, is there any way that we could not talk about my mother or your mother or anything to do with the word cancer?”
I call her number, but she quickly rejects it.
A message comes in a few seconds later, saying, “Is that a yes or a no?”
“What happened?” I write back. “Is everything okay?”
My eyes are dry, so I close them, but I’m wide awake now.
The phone chimes again and I read, “Never mind.”
I quickly write back, “Yeah, we don’t have to talk about any of that.”
Wearing nothing but an old pair of sweatpants, I get out of bed and head to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water.
My phone chimes.
The message reads, “Open your door.”
The drink of water can wait.
I head over to my door and look out the peephole. Sure enough, Jessica’s standing just outside, her hands on her hips.
I open the door and she walks in without a word.
“Hey,” I tell her. “I didn’t know you had my address.”
“I got it from Irene,” she says. “That’s the problem with having mutual friends: it’s harder to escape one another.”
“Ah, got ya,” I answer. “What’s up?”
“Can we maybe just not talk about anything?” she asks.
“That might be a little difficult,” I start, but as she turns to walk back out the door, I add, “but I’m willing to try.”
“Good enough,” she says. “Got anything to drink?”
“No,” I tell her. “I don’t usually keep alcohol in the house. I don’t really drink that often unless I’m out playing pool with…”
The impatience coming from Jessica is pervasive.
“What do you want to do?” I ask.
“This,” she says, and in two long, but quick steps, she’s right in front of me, pulling my head down toward her and pressing her lips into mine.
I kiss her back and put my arms around her, the desire inside me going from zero to 100 miles per hour in nothing flat.
I pull back after a few seconds and start, “Are you sure you’re—”
“Shut the fuck up or I’m out the door,” she says.
If those are my options, the choice is simple enough.
Despite her seeming penchant for drinking when she’s stressed, I don’t taste any alcohol as our lips meet and part and rejoin time and again.
She’s pulling her shirt off and our mouths are hardly apart for a second as she lifts the fabric over her head, unhooking and dropping her bra as a simple flourish at the end of the motion.
“Tonight,” she says, “I don’t want for us to have sex, I don’t want for you to make love to me. Tonight, I want to fuck. Do you think you can handle that?”
A lot inside of me is saying that this is wrong, but I remember what it was like seeing my mom go in for treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery. If our roles were reversed, I’d probably be looking for the exact same thing.
“Yeah,” I tell her. “I can handle that.”
“Good,” she says, and pulls my pants down, my cock already hard.
She slips her long skirt up and around her hips and she takes my hand, leading me over to my own kitchen counter. Leaning forward, Jessica rests her arms on the counter and her head on her arms.
I position myself behind her and run my fingers over her slit.
She’s already wet, so I slide myself inside.
The next 15 to 20 minutes—I don’t watch the clock—feel great physically, but in every other way, it’s just detached, almost lonely.
Every time I start to kiss her skin, she repositions herself, and the only word she ever says to me is, “Harder.”
When I get close, I ask her where she wants me to come.
“Anywhere but inside of me,” she says. “I’m not on birth control.”
When I’m done, I grab a towel and go to clean her up, but she grabs the towel from me and cleans herself. She turns around to face me, and she’s crying.
I take her into my arms, and her fingers curl into the skin of my back as she sobs against my chest.
What I want is to ask her what happened, but I don’t want her to up and leave, not when she’s feeling like this.
At this moment, I don’t know anything more than the fact that she’s still crying.
I hook one strap of her shirt with my big toe, the shirt falls out of my grasp, and I grab it again.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“I don’t want you to get cold,” I tell her, and bring the shirt up to my hand and give it to her.
“Thanks,” she sniffs. “Do you have any tissues? I’m sorry I’m like this right now.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I respond, still nervous to push for more information. “There are tissues on the counter in the bathroom.”
“Would you mind if I sleep here tonight?” she asks.
“Not at all,” I tell her. “I’ll tell you what,” I smile, “you can even have the bed.”
“You mean it?” she asks. “I mean, it’s your bed. I’m not just going to kick you out of it.”
“Whatever would make you most comfortable,” I tell her.
Regardless of anything else, I know what this feels like. Maybe what I felt isn’t exactly what she’s feeling now, maybe it is. Either way, I know that gutted feeling.
“Thanks,” she says, and walks to the bathroom to grab a tissue for her nose and another for her eyes.
I give her some space while remaining close enough that she doesn’t even feel a hint of alon
e right now.
She comes back out of the bathroom with a blank expression on her face, and she doesn’t say anything as she walks past me toward the bedroom and shuts the door behind her.
So, this will be two nights on the couch. I could be irritated, but tonight’s not the night for that.
In the morning, though, I’m going to try to talk to her and hopefully find out what happened. If I don’t know what’s going on, I can hardly do anything to help.
Not that there’s a whole lot I can do to help anyway.
* * *
When I wake up, it’s morning or early afternoon. All I know right now is the sun is bright coming through my window.
I rub my eyes and sit up on the couch. It takes a few seconds to remember why I’m here and not in bed, but when my brain comes back to me, I get up and walk to my bedroom.
The door’s open, the bed is empty.
“Jessica?” I call, but there’s no answer.
I’m having a hell of a time remembering whether it’s Sunday or Monday. Until I land another contract, it doesn’t really matter so much, but that might tell me where Jessica went.
I call her name again, but she’s not here.
My phone is on the coffee table, but there’s no message from her.
Apparently, though, it’s Sunday.
I type a message, “Hey. Sorry I wasn’t up when you left. How’d you sleep?” but I don’t bother waiting for a response.
The hot water hasn’t run out, so if she took a shower this morning, it’s been at least an hour.
I clean myself and take a quick look through the help wanted section, not expecting to find much. This isn’t usually how I get my jobs anyway, but it’s always worth a look. My phone starts ringing, though, so I quickly fold the paper and answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Hey Eric,” it’s Jessica, “are you still planning on coming in to help finish up training with Cheryl?”
“I didn’t know we were doing a second day,” I tell her, “but yeah, I can come in. Are you already at the store?”
“We’re not at the store,” she says. “We’re at the bar. I think you should join us.”
I laugh. “What kind of training are you doing in the bar?”
“Mostly which liquors go best with which chasers,” she says. “Are you coming or not?”
“Sure,” I tell her. “Where are you?”
She gives me the name of the bar and I catch a cab. I’m not sure if I’m going to end up drinking anything or not, but it’s clear enough that they’re already drinking.
I didn’t bother to don anything fancy, just a clean white T-shirt and a pair of jeans. When I walk into the bar, though, I realize that I might be a little overdressed.
Calling this place a bar is misleading, as it’s more of a dungeon with people drinking in it. It’s not a sex or fetish club by any means, but I’m certainly wearing the most clothing out of anybody in here.
I find Jessica sitting at the far end of the bar. She’s chatting with some woman I don’t know: certainly not Cheryl. As I approach, she just looks up at me, gives me the slightest nod, and goes back to her conversation.
“What’s up?” I ask when there’s a break in the conversation.
“Oh, aren’t you a handsome one?” the woman asks. “My name is Delilah.”
“I’m Eric,” I tell her. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Jessica here was just telling me about you,” Delilah says, “something about a nice dick?”
“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” Jessica asks me, and before I can say yes, she’s on her feet, stumbling into me.
“You all right?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she says. “I just need a bit of fresh air.”
“Where’s Cheryl?” I ask. “I thought you were out with her.”
“Well, we got together and talked about some things, but she didn’t want to come to the bar,” Jessica answers.
I help her outside, and once the sun is in her face, she takes a deep breath.
“Would you mind taking me home?” she asks.
“I took a cab, but I’ll be happy to make sure you get there safe.”
“I drove,” she says. “I can’t drive home for obvious reasons, though.”
“Sure,” I tell her, and ask for her keys.
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem,” Jessica says. “I kind of made a little wager with Delilah in there that I kind of lost, so I ended up paying for drinks for both of us, only I didn’t have enough money to cover all of it, so I gave her my car keys for collateral. You’re going to need to go in there and pay the balance on my tab and get the keys from her. I don’t think it should be much more than 100 dollars.”
“A hundred dollars?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she says. “I’ll pay you back when you take me home, I just didn’t remember to bring enough for evverry eventuality.”
“Come in with me, stand at the end of the bar near the door and don’t talk to anyone or order any drinks or do anything but wait for me, okay?” I tell her.
I’ve never been to this place before, but I’ve got a really bad vibe as I go back in. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that nearly everyone in the room is staring at me.
They’re not goths and they’re not ravers. They’re not the typical club or bar crowd either. I’m not sure how to describe the clientele other than to say that they appear very territorial and I seem to be infringing on that territory at the moment.
Still, we can’t really get out of here until I get Jessica her keys back.
I walk back down to the end of the bar and find Delilah.
“Hey, you did come back,” she says. “I was wondering if you would.”
“Yeah,” I tell her. “I understand that my friend owes some money for drinks, and I’m here to settle up and get her keys.”
“All right, dearie,” Delilah says, and leans over the counter toward the bartender. “How much is my tab?”
The bartender answers, “Two-fifty.”
Fucking hell.
“All right,” I answer, and pull my wallet out of my pants pocket. I remove my card from inside and set it on the counter.
“Too bad,” Delilah says. “I was really looking forward to taking that Merc out for a test drive.”
“What was the bet?” I ask.
“What was what?” Delilah responds, cupping a hand to the side of her ear.
“What was the bet?” I ask again.
“Oh,” Delilah nods. “She said that you wouldn’t come if she called you. The way she said it, I had a feeling that you would.”
“You had a feeling?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Delilah says. “Listen, she’s not good for you. She doesn’t appreciate you. If you’ve got more in those pockets, I bet I could find you someone that’ll put a smile on your face without all the drama that one’s going to give you.”
“Thanks, but I’m not interested,” I tell her.
“Too bad,” she says again.
The bartender hands me back my card and I sign the receipt. I put the card in my wallet, my wallet in my pocket, and I turn back toward Delilah, saying, “Now, the keys if you don’t mind.”
“You know we don’t bite,” she says.
“I never said you did,” I answer. “I’d just like to get her home. It’s kind of a rough time.”
“Oh, I think we all know about that, sweetie,” Delilah says, and stands up to better access her front pocket. She pulls the keys out and holds them above my open hand, but before dropping them, she leans in close to my ear and says, “If you change your mind, give me a call.”
She stuffs a piece of paper into my front pocket and drops the keys in my hand.
“Ta-ta,” she mutters, and I force a smile as I turn to walk away.
The problem is, Jessica’s nowhere to be found.
Chapter Fifteen
None of the Above
Jessica
“If you’re that worried a
bout it,” Kristin says, “call him. If you would have told me that he was there, I would have walked over there myself and we would have figured something out.”
“How’s Mom doing?” I ask.
“She’s going to be laid up for a while,” Kristin says. “They took out cartilage from a few of her joints, and they’re going to be taking her in for a scan later today to see if they got it all.”
“How could they not be sure about something like that?” I ask, trying and failing to unlock my phone’s lock screen.
“They’re just being cautious,” Kristin says. “How much did you drink? You know both Mom and Dad are going to flip the fuck out if they know you’re already drunk.”
“I’m fine,” I tell her.
“Get your shit together, will you?” she asks. “You’re supposed to be the reasonable one and I’m supposed to be the drunken idiot.”
“How do you suggest I do that?” I ask. “‘Get my shit together.’”
“I don’t know,” she says. “Maybe dial down the drinking, for starters. You’re not a heavyweight, so stop trying to act like one. And what the hell is going on with you and Eric?”
“I have no idea,” I tell her, and finally manage to unlock my phone. I find Eric’s number and call it.
“You just left,” he says, answering the phone. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I answer. “I kind of got in touch with both you and my sister. We’re headed—” I turn to Kristin, “Where are we headed?”
“You’re going home,” she says. “I’m going to the hospital to check up on Mom.”
“I’m going with you,” I tell her.
“Not like this, you’re not,” she retorts.
“I’m either going home or to the hospital,” I tell him, and turn back to Kristin. “I’m fine. I want to go to the hospital with you.”
“You can come later today after you’ve had a shower, a nap, and some coffee. And, you know, brush your teeth,” she says, holding her nose like a child.
“If you want to meet me at my apartment, that would be okay,” I tell Eric.
His sigh is very audible.
“All right,” he says. “Is there anything I can pick up for you on my way?”
“Yeah,” I tell him, “I’m running low on vodka.”
Kristin’s sitting in the driver’s seat, shaking her head. “You need to get your shit together, sissy.”