him three hundred for the whole consignment, and
somehow when I got it it was only a consignment
for which I would have paid one-eighty, if that,
two hundred at the most. His
name was Flannery or Chinnery or something like
that, a sharp one he was, he could swindle you
so’s you had no way of getting back at him, offices
he called it – Yes?
More careful still?
My hands, this arthritis, Ivy, I’m being as
careful as I can, really I am. Not very
interested, anyway, balls to it, nothing makes
the pain any better, don’t make one any better
concentrating on the other, aaaaaaaaah!
Yes, I know what she’s like when she’s crossed.
Yes, Ivy, I’ll try. Don’t want to cross House
Mother.
Then there was that
sneaky little sod who also had one of the railway
arches down there behind the Broadway, he could
drop you in the fertilizer too if you weren’t very
careful, though with him you could see it coming
and you could watch out for it. And never deal
with him unless you had to. The best way was to
play safe and sell before you had bought. Make
sure you had a sale before you paid for whatever
it was. Even then you could get caught sometimes,
find yourself aaaaaaaaah!
Not again, I could do with a better cushion than
this, she ought to provide an air cushion for
people in my condition, I’ve even seen people take
them on buses, if they were in this painful con-
dition, what can I do, only ask, and I’m afraid to
do that.
More glue
Mrs Bowen, can you pass me
your glue, please? This one’s finished.
Thanks very much, Mrs Bowen.
Yes, all right now.
There may be others
like me. I hope so. I hope
not, on the other hand. I
would not wish it on
them.
Finish,
finish now. Didn’t do much to take my mind
off of it. A little. A very little.
Still, it’s something. A little something.
She’s all right,
that Ivy. A good sort. Finish this last
one, nice and tidy.
Yes, here it is, Ivy. They’re nice and tidy
today, aren’t they, Ivy?
Try again. They’re better today, Ivy?
No proper answer,
Well, I think they’re better than yesterday’s.
And considering all the circumstances, too. Let
them complain. That’s it, until they complain
then I don’t care.
Ivy and that Mrs Ridge are always having a go
at each other. Stupid bastards, the pair of them.
We’re the best, we are.
That’s all right, then, that’s a relief. Forgot
my arse for just two minutes
aaaaaaaaah!
Pass the Parcel! What a
waste of time, more movement, but
Pass the parcel, up my arcel!
oooooooooooooh! My arse again, keep still,
keep still A fart would be a
blessing Daren’t.
Ooooooh, no! The pain, pain!
Pass the parcel.
Chuck the bleeding thing.
But what’s in it? Sarah’s getting it open. Now
it’s off again.
Curiosity.
It’s my turn, that old woman’s cheating! Pass it on!
No need to chuck it at me! It’s stopped,
it’s me, I can get it undone, I’ll win, what is it?
SHIT! It’s a parcel of shit! Is that
what I’ve won? Is that all? Stinking shit!
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
shit!
why?
Get up,
she wants us to take exercise. Take up thy
arse and walk? I’ll try,
the pain can’t be worse
aaaaaaachk! Yes it can!
But try again.
To walk. The pleasure of it. As
I stroll along the promenade. It must be a tidy
middling. The trouble
with business is that you can think you’re doing
so well and then you get caught for a tidy
packet. Right into the middling, right into the
fertilizer. It may be something to do
with the way I walk, of course. That may have
something to do with it.
Haemorrhoids or piles:
just as though you could
choose! aaaeh!
I shall try again to remember my first fuck.
The first is the one you never forget, they say.
They are not right in my case, not for the first
time, either. Yet I remember it was when I was
seventeen, because that was what I said when
questioned about it some time later. But who it
was is difficult to remember. Who did I
know at seventeen? It must have been someone from
the town, I would not have been stupid enough to
shit on my own village doorstep, as we say in the
trade. In that case, it might have – No, I can’t
walk any more, I must sit and be damned to her
and her dog.
If that seed had borne fruit, I should have a child
of over sixty now. It might have been a son, a
competitor. Tom was never a competitor, none of
them. I was their father, and I saw I remained so,
oh yes!
Who could it have been? My memory’s playing me up
again, so she was redhaired, ginger-eyed and had
a pair of tits on her like twin mountains and an
arse as broad as East Anglia. Her fanny was like
a red ravine, dry and dusty, not so dusty.
Her face?
I can’t remember her face.
Ah, yes,
that was fun last time, the tourney. I enjoyed
it. Wonder if I can get a bet on this time? Mrs
Bowen won easily, I’ll back her. Mrs Ridge,
I’ll bet you my breakfast milk that Mrs Bowen wins.
But what will you give me if I win?
Right, you’re on. Shake.
Now I’ve got a bet on.
They’re at the tapes!
Come on Mrs Bowen! Lot depends on Charlie pushing,
too. They’re
off!
Hooray! One up to me!
They're off
again! Come on Charlie!
Rah! Two up!I shall win!
They’re off! Last time, I must
win two-to-one at least!
Rah!
Cheers for Mrs Bowen and Charlie! You owe me a feel,
Mrs Ridge, a feel, tonight!
She gets it both ways, she does. If she’d’ve
won she’d’ve got my breakfast milk, as it is she
gets a feel she’ll enjoy just as much as I will,
more, probably, with my arse in this state. That’s
funny, forgot it during the tourney. Just goes
to show, just goes to show.
But it’s getting worse now, it’s
paying me back, aaaaoooh!
oooooooooh! aaOOh!
No, try to think of something to take my mind off
it, the feel, that’s something to look forward to,
ooooooooh, but it’s no help now,
what shall I do?
Started when I
&
nbsp; was fifty-two, it’s a
punishment for tossing off
that little boy when I was
in the Navy, it’s a
punishment, be sure your sins
will find you out.
He asked for it, he was a saucy little sod, and I
paid him a few piastres.
aaaaooaoaoah!
aaaaaah!
oooooh!
oooaaaeh!
eaeaell!
oooooooh, oooh, aaaah!
eh!
ooooooooch!
oooooooooooeoeososoaoeo!
aaaaajjja!
we never did think we’d live to see him grow
up! I’ll force myself to think of something else.
we never did to see
think we never did
we’d live
a few piastres seemed
so little at the time, for what
it was
years after, that smell
City of galloping
knobrot
oooooh!
oooooooaoah!
this can’t go on surely
something must bust it must give the pain over
it must make me bust oooooooooh!
ooooooorh!
one two three four one two three four sheep over
the edge one three six ten fuck them all oooooo
nothing comes
of it, nothing seems to
help, you’d think they would
be able to do something
for you, people have been
suffering from sore arse-
holes since time began.
no, ooooooh!
ooooooooooooh!
Regular, it
comes in waves.
oooooooooooooooooooooh!
ooooooough!
oooodh!
OOOOOOOH!
Listen to her!
No, doesn’t matter
Gloria Ridge
age 85
marital status not known
sight 45%
hearing 55%
touch 30%
taste 20%
smell 60%
movement 45%
CQ count 6
pathology contractures; plantar fasciitis; mental confusion; progressive senile dementia; cholecystitis; osteoporosis; among others.
. . . me and then get this down me and
then I’ll be all right
spuds and mashed and with knees
try hard peas, peas, peas
shovel peas in, more then I’ll be all right
more?
more
general sold his cockerel
the meat is good, more meat, that’s
the thing, must eat to get right, get this down me and then
I’ll be all right, that’s it, ask for more meat. More meat?
He’s not going to eat his, no, I’ll have his, must eat, how he
can leave it I don’t know, here Oh! twitcher!
no . . . eee! my hands,
the backs of my hands! Hurts not for long, I’ve
got over worse, I’m the toughest.
They said it was just a craze,
wanting to eat, it would never catch on, la la la!
Catchy.
I always did believe
in ruining your own work, it was one of my fondest beliefs,
if you do that then you don’t have to beholden to somebody,
do you?
Scrape the plate, the mash off, mash off corners
Swinging on
ropes, nothing much on, just something round his
unmentionables, as we
used to call them, into all that mucky water and crawlies,
out in the bare colds or rocks was it,
only a picture after all.
Another one I saw had Charlie Chimpanzee
in it, when I was that high. Then we had Gilbert
Harding being rude, we enjoyed it! Diving into the
crawlies and the water all covered by scrum, those jungle
creepers! How we used to laugh!
She ought to show us films here,
though some would abuse the privilege, they never do.
It would never do
da-da, ma-ma
Brisket and taters, brisket, brisket
atrisket, my love bisquit, brown bread and waistcoat,
crumbs to his watch-piece.
My name’s Gloria, Glory
for short. It’s too far this time. May I never?
My true love went once round fingering, blue hair he
had with his long black eyes, four foot three
in his bloomers, I remember him so clearly, it was in
a pub we first met, I was with my mates at the time, he
was with his. Yellow jumper and pale skirt
This for two or more I was with him,
standing in the dark. Milk stout was all our tipple, then.
He was my first, it was raining at the time.
She’s in trouble this time, not me, House Mother’ll hit
her, not me, this time
No, she’s
not, that’s not fair, she’s only getting a tonguelashing,
not the twitcher, it’s not fair not fair!
me
me me me meeee mememememememememe! say it aloud
ME! The twitcher, lucky
she didn’t hear, lucky me!
A gallon of gin I must have
drunk last night, this won’t do, where’s the money
coming from? It doesn’t get him anywhere.
I must cut down on the food, supporters and suspenders,
it won’t do, I won’t have his drinking though
I’ll have his drink been, no twat you'll be,
What matters most is what we’ll be
The joys of life continue strong
Throughout old age, however long.
. . . MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO
IS STAY ALIVE AND SEE IT THROUGH
NO MATTER IF THE FUTURE’S DIM
JUST KEEP STRAIGHT ON AND TRUST IN HIM
FOR HE KNOWS BEST AND BRINGS GOOD BEER
OH LUCKY US THAT WE ARE HERE!
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO
IS STAY ALIVE AND SEE IT THROUGH!
Now she ought to be
pleased with me, no twitcher, no one can sing louder
than I can, not even that fat slob Ivy, cow.
Work! The people must
work if they are to earn their daily bread! Life
is not all butter, someone has to earn the guns as
well, ha ha!
What’s she
giving them two to do? I could do it, whatever it is.
Here! Twitcher! The twitcher!
It’s not only that, there are tripes and lazy
breeders for supper, summer in a sauce made of milk
and parsley.
I think, I think!
Careful,
I’m always careful, never let them stick it up me
without a rubber on, very careful all my life,
never had no kids, never! Very careful,
very clever, that’s me.
I can do that easy,
that crinkly paper’s not very good for it though,
not very good at it. Nasty work,
only fit for the Ivys. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Nothing! Not my box, hate this
work, nothing here, who makes me?
Don’t want this work. Don’t want this work! Or
this Ivy, cow she is, slummocky old cow.
Slummocky old shit cow! That annoyed
her, that’ll teach her to order me about, I’m
not here to be ordered about! Except
by the twitcher, that’s all that keeps me quiet,
the only thing.
I’ll just sit here, that’s what I’ll do, just sit
here, and only work if I feel like it
. Start one,
roll the paper round the roller, here, this isn’t
as easy, roller roller penny a paint, painy a
pent, old cow, I’ll roller, red paper, red paint,
red roller roller roller.
And just leave it like that. Then anyone who
sees me will think I’ve just broken off for a
moment. Oh, I’m clever, you know, I
know all the dodges, I learned them, all the
dodgers, when I was working, you learn all the
dodgers to work as little as
This way I won’t have to touch
the horrible glue, no, not even to touch it.
The twitcher’s
gone up the stage with her, the twitcher has, bye
bye the twitcher, good riddance twitcher! If
I just sit here and keep quiet and do nothing
then she won’t come down here again with the
twitcher for me, the twitcher for me, If
ye’re no a garlic, the twitcher’s for me.
If possible keep on going where they
are all like Mind you, if I was her I
would not put up with any of it, any of it, myself
It pays to keep up with your payments. Sometimes
we wouldn’t. They were all away. The girls had
it away. No one played at home, then.
She’s going to team up with those two! Now they
won’t talk to me. It’s not fair. Yesterday she
did it, too. She deliberately doesn’t ask me. I’m
sure of that. I can do this as well as anyone,
round the roller, the glue. I could be part of the
team. It hurts.
Where are they all gone? I had them here, all of
them. And now they’re not here. It may
be my true love, my one true love. His hair was
golden, his eyes were blue, he stood six feet two
in his bare socks, the first one. My one true.
One two, dozens since then. He bumped into me
coming out of the four ale bar into the corridor,
there I was scrubbing near the milk stout. I was
a young girl then. He was my first. Swept me
off my feet. Swept my chimney, he called it, my
black chimney. What could I say? It was a
frosty morning. Frost clears away the flu and does
good for England. Everything’s in a mess
That time they let me play. Let the piccaninny join
in! that Bobbie yelled. I enjoyed it more than my
tapioca.
What would you say if I
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