The Silent Rhymes of a Snowflake

by Jaclyn Lewis

  Chapter 16

  *

  Genesis

  I was grown…in a lab. Like those little green specks in a petri dish that turn into something people run away from. Bacteria. Virus. Mold. Every possible human emotion is flooding over me at the same time, and yet I’ve never questioned my humanity more than at this moment.

  My tears pool in the unlikeliest of places—on my shoes, in the crook of my elbow, in drips that hang off my chin like the cheese of a hot pizza.

  Silas is the first to speak up. “Well, I have to say one thing, Doctor Mitchell—thanks for not letting me kiss my sister. I’ve seen Star Wars and let me be the first to say…yuck.”

  I chuckle through the tears and before I know it I’ve got the hiccups. Silas appears unaffected, but I know he’s just trying to sprinkle some of his old humor into the situation and also to let us know that unmistakably, the “I almost dated my sister” elephant in the room is being swept under the rug—never to be heard from again. But we both know we won’t get that lucky.

  Kylee sits silently by, staring at the ground—all the wheels turning in her mind. She’s always the peppy, optimistic one, but now she is undone like the rest of us. Silas sits next to her; not touching; not speaking; just present.

  Paxton nods to Silas and slides next to me on the couch.

  “I’m sorry, Genna. I’m sorry for every part I played in the Snowflake Project. I thought I was doing some good in the universe, but when I saw you so curious, so alive and when I found myself so drawn to you…it dawned on me that CGC could downplay your humanity all they wanted to, but it would never work. Because a zebra can’t change it’s stripes. And you’re more than something programmed—you’re a girl—a girl plain and simple. That tiny attribute alone makes you wonderful.”

  He holds me close. I’m still crying and I think he might be too. He must feel so guilty—so ashamed. But what resolve and reckless abandon does it take to go to such great lengths to make things right again? In this moment, I feel that his confession was made not only out of love for me, but affection for my kind.

  “I forgive you.” I don’t have to force the words. I knew I would forgive him as soon as I knew he held a secret. Now the words scatter like a dandelion seed that has finally found root.

  “I do forgive you, Pax. And I thank you for the freedom you’ve given us today.”

  I don’t have anything else to say—this is all I can muster. He understands and we just sit for a while in the silence. After a few minutes, Ember returns and runs to me—red streaked hair stained with tears. She doesn’t need to say anything and we hold each other tight.

  When all of our emotions have been expended and there is nothing left, but sleep, I glance at the clock on the wall. It is 2 a.m. on Erimos. Wherever we are in space, time is just a measurement that keeps us familiar.

  There are enough bunks on board that we could all have our own room, but Ember wants to stay with me. Her tough exterior has been blown away to reveal someone with another human quality—dependence. We all need comfort and we will all seek it in each other.

  As I lay down to sleep tonight, I’m more aware than I have ever been that the universe doesn’t stay the same. What you think you know can be obliterated in an instant. Time changes all things from one type to another, but the constants that remain, though few, are what truly make us who we are.

  Elise and Andre haunt me again. It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream. Some of them are so insignificant I don’t even bother Pax with them anymore. They might be just a flash; a quick view of Paris; a rustle of wind and Andre’s hand guiding a kite.

  This time, I’m perched on a picnic blanket next to him, while we watch the waves at sunset. Or is it dawn? Sometimes the beginning of one thing looks a lot like the end of another; we just don’t know the difference until we look back.

  “Should we take the jobs?” He asks me in a heavily accented voice that reminds me of powdered sugar. “We could use the money.” He reaches over to pat my stomach. In my dream I react with such tenderness.

  The waves come and go. I can almost smell the salt in the wind and feel the rustle of my hair. “That’s true. You can’t feed a baby with dreams, I suppose. Yes, I think we should take the jobs. Maybe it won’t be as dangerous as I think.”

  I can feel a smile warming its way across my face…and something else. Another heartbeat. If I listen to it against the rhythmic backdrop of the ocean, I can almost hear it. Life grows in me.

  * * *

  It’s the middle of the night, but I must find Pax. What I’ve just seen could have real meaning for all of us. Sometimes I don’t even know what the meaning is right away, but over time it seems to make more sense. Or maybe it’s just another dead-end clue, but either way I have to tell him.

  I knock at the door to his bunkroom and he comes quickly—with tousled hair, squinting one eye, and forcing the other to adjust to the light.

  “What is it? Is everything ok?” He asks.

  “I’ve had another dream.”

  Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. In my haste, I hadn’t thought that perhaps this would be an awkward meeting—him shirtless and half asleep, me needing him so very much.

  “What time is it?” He grunts.

  “Almost five in the morning.” I answer quickly. “We can talk about it later if you want.” I turn to leave.

  “No…I just wanted to know if everyone would think I was crazy if I made some coffee already.”

  He pauses to think for a second. “Ah well. Who cares? Have we got cream and sugar on board? Please tell me we do.”

  I don’t know if he’s talking to me or talking to himself—or talking in his sleep. His eyes are closed and I’m about to just tiptoe off to bed when he finally says, “I’ll meet you in the kitchen…just let me put some clothes on.”

  Stumbling into the kitchen, tripping over a step, he still refuses to open that one eye. If I didn’t know better I’d say he’d hit the bourbon a little too hard. But I’m pretty sure we don’t have any of that board.

  “I took the liberty of starting the coffee for you. I hope that’s ok.” I’ve heard from other people on Erimos about how Pax is about his coffee—kind of a snob. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong—I just wanted him to wake up sooner.

  “Genna, you’re an angel. It will be absolutely perfect. Tell me about the dream.” The doctor in him is ready to take notes, but the other half of him—the half with the sandy disheveled hair that looks like he could own a surf shop is falling asleep again.

  Every detail of the dream is recounted before I forget anything. “Elise was pregnant.” I tell him. “At some point—either before or when she died. In my dream, I wasn’t very far along.”

  “Wow. What’s it like to feel everything in these dreams—all the emotions of motherhood?” He plants his elbows on the table and leans forward--fully involved in the narrative now.

  “I can’t explain it. It’s so confusing. In my dreams, I have such affection for Andre—and my child, and yet, I can’t remember anything about him. How do the memories work?”

  Pax adds some cream to his coffee and takes a sip. “I’m not exactly sure—not lying. I was told that the base memories were taken from the only two compatible subjects—one male and one female. They were code named ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’ and before programming, stripped of all their personal imprints. But I never knew who they really were and now I wonder if it is even true.”

  “Could Adam and Eve be Elise and Andre?”

  “Probably.”

  I would have thought he’d be thrilled by another breakthrough. But instead he seems—unaffected.

  “I always kind of figured that was the case. I never could get anyone to confirm it. They said it was just latent memories and that as time went on, they should disappear. But instead that got stronger with you for some reason. What I can’t figure out is why. And I don’t know anything about ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’ beyond your dreams.”

  Softly, I reach acr
oss the table and run my fingers across his hand—warm from the mug. “It’s ok.” I whisper. “We will find out who they were. They must have had one heck of a story—full of adventure and romance.”

  “And tragedy.” He looks down again. And I move closer to him. Everything is out in the open now. Nothing stands between us. I’ve been afraid to close the gap because of his secrets, but now I’m ready. Ready for love. I lean in closer until a kiss waits in the air between us and I’m hoping to pick up where we left off that night at the Second Galaxy ball.

  But he looks down.

  “There’s something else, isn’t there, Pax?” Surely there will be no new revelations tonight. I don’t think my heart could handle it.

  After pausing to collect his thoughts, he tells me, “Trina. I thought she was gone. When I saw the images of Earth dying. But what if she’s alive? I have to know what happened to her. I’m sure she’s moved on—I hope she has, but I don’t really feel like I can…even though I want to until I do what’s right by her. She must think I just disappeared or left her with no explanation. I have to find her. I know I have asked so much of you already. But I have to ask you this as well--can you also wait for me…wait for me to figure all of this out?”

  Chapter 17

  *

  Genesis

  “I’m here to salvage the grub!” Silas announces.

  I don’t know how long Pax and I have been sitting here, talking, laughing and drinking coffee until the pot ran dry. We sat by the windows and watched the stars and planets dance by in a whiz of color. It’s beautiful, but also dulls the senses after a while.

  Paxton is man of promise and conviction. I understand why he has to find out about Trina and I’m not even scared or jealous. I thought I would be, but it’s a comfort to know that he wants to do the “right” thing here. Because I know that if and when the time comes, he’ll do no less for me.

  So for now, our friendship grows, punctuated by a romantic static that never quite goes away.

  Silas is messing around in the kitchen—clinking and clattering while he prepares breakfast and I offer to help.

  “Sure thing! We need to use up all the fresh produce first, and then move on the canned goods in a couple of days.”

  After taking a quick inventory of what we have for food, I suggest that we make chicken stir-fry tonight. I just love a good stir-fry and we are all in agreement.

  Silas is in a good mood this morning. He is very talented, witty, and because of his time in the Erimos kitchen, a very capable cook.

  First Ember, then Kylee are awake and joining us. Ember has found her steadiness and resolve again. I can see it in the way she handles herself. She’s already showered and dressed before she even starts the day. On her book reader, she soaks up some novel while sitting alone in a corner chair.

  The mixture of our unique gifts fascinates me. If I could pinpoint everyone’s strengths they would be this: Paxton is our protector, Ember is our strength, Kylee is our guiding light, Silas is the smart one, and me…well, I don’t know what exactly I contribute to the group. In fact in this moment I feel like I’m sort of useless.

  While cleaning the dishes, I turn to Silas and ask, “What do you think I bring to this little family of ours? I mean I honestly don’t even know what I’m supposed to do or why I’m here. I don’t see how I can really change anything.”

  He stops to ponder my question—almost so long that I’m beginning to wonder if it is because he can’t think of a reason, but Ember—whom I didn’t even know was listening--answers it for him. “You’re like a glue. You brought us together and you kind of hold us together, Genna.”

  Glue. I guess it isn’t as heroic or fascinating as what some of the others can do, but I do love each of these people dearly and maybe love really is what holds us all together.

  We pass the day away playing poker with a deck of cards we found and some dried beans. When it’s finally dinnertime, Silas starts going into detail about how stir-fry is actually a dish that has evolved from food that the Chinese eat, but how many of the ingredients we use aren’t even available in China. He goes on and on and I quickly realize that he’s taken over the whole kitchen during this story. He insists on cooking dinner a certain way with certain utensils until after a few minutes I can’t take anymore.

  “Fine. Do it yourself then.” I blurt out. “You can be so bossy sometimes, Silas!” I feel like a volcano has just erupted.

  After storming out, it doesn’t take long before I feel bad that I’ve hurt his feelings. I know he doesn’t realize what he’s doing when he starts lecturing and acting like he knows more than anyone else. He really is very intelligent, but he can also be so annoying. Plus with the revelation that we’re related, I try to shake off the awkward feelings we may have felt for each other, but it leaves me not knowing exactly what to say. And things are just weird between us.

  I walk back into the kitchen and go up to him. “I’m sorry I said that. We can do it your way. I just feel like—sometimes you take over a little too fast. But I love you anyway and I was mean—and I’m sorry.”

  He hugs me and suddenly, all the awkwardness melts away. I know he loves me and always will. The type of love we have has been deepened—for the better, but it won’t change. He pushes me back playfully and hands me a spoon.

  “I forgive you.” He says with a smile. “Can you set the timer for the rice and mix the sauce?”

  * * *

  The days go by quickly and in that time, the intertwining of our lives deepened. Pax is patient as he’s peppered with questions about the details of the Snowflake experiment.

  I learn that Kylee taught herself how to play guitar while she was on Erimos. Unfortunately, we don’t have one on board, but she tries to play in the air and remember the sound each string would make.

  On day four, Silas finds a board game called “chess”.

  We’re both pretty good at it and by day five we are engaged in a tournament of sorts. He is exceptionally smart and hasn’t lost a game yet. We’ve been playing for an hour now and we are both down to a few pieces.

  “You might as well, give up now, little sister.” He teases.

  “Who says I’m the little sister? What if I was made first?” I move a pawn up to cover the bishop who’s covering my king. I lost my queen several moves ago because Silas wouldn’t stop talking. I tune out his talk about medieval lords and how chess started in India. Maybe he actually thought I wanted a history lesson on the game of chess, but I think he was just trying to distract me. With him you just never know.

  Silas moves a rook out into the open. “Well, since we don’t know who’s the oldest we’ll just assume it’s me. Ember can be in the middle.”

  “You do know there’s an easy way to settle this.” Pax chimes in from a couch where we thought he was sleeping. “You all have numbers. Whoever has the earliest number was born first. Seriously—you guys are like children.”

  Too quickly, I seize the opportunity to take his rook with my pawn even though I know the pawn will be taken, but I figure it was an expendable piece. He sweeps in with a knight and takes the bishop, putting me in checkmate. I slam my fist on the table. He’s been so irritating lately—it would have been nice to teach him a lesson for once.

  “Big brother” tries to give me advice and I roll my eyes at him. “Don’t underestimate the use of pawns.” He says. “You’ll never win a game with just one, but together they can bring the end. And that one was protecting you. You shouldn’t have moved it, but you got greedy, impatient.”

  I let him gloat and have his moment of glory before I challenge everyone to a game of scrabble. Ember reads a lot so naturally she wins and it’s nice to see her enjoying herself. She’s extremely competitive at this game, but for some reason it doesn’t bother me. I don’t mind losing to her as much as I hate losing to Silas.

  The trip feels long and unbearable, but finally the countdown clock in the cockpit is at twenty-four minutes. We’ve already packed our t
hings and have loaded the weapons we found on board. We each have about twenty pounds of goods we are carrying off the craft--diamonds, a change of clothes—also extras that we found in the crew’s quarters, water, and a few snacks. We eat what’s left of the canned peaches for lunch and sit in silence as we wait to arrive.

  Only Fifteen minutes left. I’m nervous and pace around the craft.

  Ten. I sit down, but I’m fidgeting.

  Five. I’m chewing my nails.

  Two. I’m chewing my hair and Silas tells me it’s disgusting and that I should stop.

  One. I can’t feel my blood pumping anymore.

  Thirty seconds. All I feel is the blood rushing to every part of my body except my lungs. There must be a reason I can’t get a breath.

  Flash. A yellow sun is the first thing I see. Could it be my imagination or does it really sparkle like the first memories they gave me?

  Chapter 18

  *

  Genesis

  We’ve arrived—landing in a dense forest where cows are feeding in a pasture next to a pond. The grass is green and the sun shines so brightly I think it may blind us all. It takes a while for my eyes to adjust to the yellow tint on everything the sun touches. I’ve become so accustomed to blue.

  Earth. Just like my memories but so exceptionally different in experience. I’m the first to leap out of the specter and fall to the ground to smell the grass—to see if it’s any different from Pavana. It’s the same almost—fresh dirt, but carries a unique smell—like thousands of people have walked this sod before me.

  It is warm, but not like Erimos. There, my mouth burned with dry heat every time I opened it, but now it feels like there is actually water in the air itself. We immediately start sweating before we even walk.

  Kylee spent some time studying the maps with Paxton while we were traveling. They say that if we head west we can catch a dirt road that will lead us to a main road. From there we can hitch a ride to town. Atlanta is our destination—or the beginning of our search. Either way we hit the road with our backpacks.