"You think we should get in touch with Benicio?"
"Not Benicio," I said. "Blaze might know him, but I don't."
“If shit goes down, this isn’t the place to be,” Crunch said.
"I don't know about that," I said. "This town's full of ranchers, armed to the teeth. But yeah, I don't want anything coming down on my old man."
“Well, now, Joe Holder.” April put her hands on her hips. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look as hot as you do right now. You look good enough to eat.” April’s hair was pulled back in a ponytail, an apron tied around her waist, and she brandished a whisk in her hand.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear an apron,” Crunch said. “Are you cooking?”
“I’m being all domestic,” she said, a wide grin plastered across her face. “Don’t worry, I’m not burning the place down.”
"April can’t be trusted near the stove, Stan,” Crunch said. He walked up the stairs and slid his arm around her waist. “Don’t you go burning down this nice man’s house, now.”
April giggled as she leaned against him. “Just as long as you don’t expect any gourmet meals from me at home.”
Crunch leaned in and kissed her neck beneath her ear. “Honey, you know I lowered my expectations when I married you.”
“Assh - I mean, jerk,” she said, laughing as she pulled away from him and punched him on the arm.
“I heard that!” Mac yelled from the side of the porch where she was sprawled out, looking at a book. “Mommy said a bad word!”
“Nope, no bad words came out of mommy’s mouth,” April said. “Right, daddy?”
“Your wife is a quick learner.” My father interrupted, standing in the doorway, oven mitts over his hands. “I’ve been showing her how to make your mother’s apple pie recipe.”
I looked at Crunch. “My mother’s apple pies were famous. She won the West Bend Baking Contest four years in a row. Before - who was it, dad?”
“Before Martha Barnes took the title,” my father said. “Lord, your mother was upset. I had to hear about Martha Barnes for months after that.”
I grinned. “I remember that,” I said. “Mom was convinced she had somehow stolen her recipe. Remember? She said it was the ultimate betrayal.”
Dad laughed. “I remember. I listened to it non-stop.”
Mom had only been gone a few years, but it was hard talking about her, even if it was a good memory. Her death was tainted by the fact that, to the end, she thought I was someone I was not. She still thought I was a good person.
“You two look like you made some real progress out there on the fencing,” my dad said, interrupting me before I could sink lower into my own shitty self-pity.
“Yeah,” I said. “It should hold up for another couple years or so, as long as you can keep the elk from running through it again.”
I wanted to ask whether he was having trouble keeping up with the place. Of course, my dad would have a coronary if I even implied he needed help. He had always been the epitome of a cowboy. Strong, silent, tough.
My senior year in high school, just before I’d left for boot camp, my dad had a heart attack. We were at the end of a week long trip, pushing cattle. I looked at his face as we were riding back, his grey pallor unsettling. It was only when we were a couple hours away from home he admitted he'd been having having chest pain and numbness in his arm for the last half a day. When I suggested he get to the doctor, he’d told me he’d be just fine. It was my mother who’d insisted he go to the hospital when we got back. The doctor told him he was having a heart attack, and he’d told the doctor the heart attack would just have to wait.
The fact that he didn’t die only reinforced what I’d grown up believing about my dad - that he was invincible. Part of me believed the man would never die, which was probably what made it easier to leave West Bend when I did, and the way I did. I figured there would always be time to make amends.
"Alright, now," my father said. "I need to send someone to town for a couple things before dinner, and I'd like to take a look at your work on the fence, Cade, see if you remember your fence building skills." The edges of his mouth turned up.
"That's funny, Pop," I said. "I think I remember how to build a fence."
"Can I go to the store?" MacKenzie asked, throwing herself against April. "Can I get some finger paints?"
"I don't know that there's a toy store here, baby," April said. She turned to Crunch. "Do you think we can go into town? There's a couple of things I want to get, too, actually."
Crunch looked at me. "What do you think, Axe? You think it's safe?"
"I think it's probably okay," I said.
MacKenzie squealed. "He said I could get a new stuffed animal!" She spun in circles on the deck.
"Wait, wait," April said. "No one said you could get a new anything. Uncle Axe only said we could go into town."
"That means toys!"
"Wait -" I said, turning toward Crunch and April. "Lie low, in and out of the store. This is just a vacation, spending time with my father. That's it."
Crunch nodded. "Yeah, it's no problem, man." He kissed April on the cheek. "Let me clean up here and we'll go."
"Oh, and Crunch?" I asked.
"Yeah, man."
"Try not to look like a biker," I said. "Dress like a civilian."
Crunch laughed. "I'll try to look like an accountant."
My dad and I walked out along the edge of the property, following the fence line in the opposite direction from June's house. The meadow rolled out for acres, the grass fallen in haphazard piles where we'd cut it earlier this morning, before dawn. I tried to take it all in as we walked, imprint it on my brain so I could revisit it later, the way I'd always done with this place. This place had always been my solace.
The hills swelled up on the edges of the property all around us, the same hills I'd ride out on as a kid, for days at a time, where I'd just disappear to live off the land. Back then, I'd felt free. But that was before what happened with June's sister. Before June's parents died. Before June moved away and everything changed.
Joining the Marines was some kind of misguided attempt at penance. That hadn't worked out so well.
I walked slowly, my leisurely pace not consistent at all with the nervousness I felt about this time alone with my dad. We hadn't had a conversation about the details of what I was doing here yet, and I knew it was coming.
My dad was silent for a while as we walked, leaning over to inspect the fence posts, first one, then another. He grunted, but said nothing. It threw me right back into feeling like a kid again, watching him, waiting to see if what I'd done passed muster.
I don't know why I still cared what my dad thought, especially about something like this. It was fixing a fence, for chrissakes. Why I wanted his approval was beyond me. Especially since I didn't have it anywhere else in my life. At this point, what the hell difference did a fence make?
He bent over, turning toward me after examining the fourth post. "You boys did a nice job with this fence," he said.
"I still remember something you taught me."
He was silent, considering what I said. "Not everything."
Fuck. Here we go, I thought. "What, dad?" I turned to face him. "I can see you're itching to say something. Why don't you go ahead and say it?"
"Alright," he said. "You, this motorcycle club? What are you protecting that family from? What are you involved in?"
I sighed. "It's complicated, dad."
"Not from where I stand. From where I stand it's pretty simple."
"For you it is."
"It should be just as clear to you," he said. "Right is right, and wrong is wrong, Cade. And you, this motorcycle gang, it's not right."
"What do you know about it, dad?" I asked. But I knew he was right, didn't I? This shit with Mad Dog had just confirmed it. "Have you ever tried to understand it?"
"I don't need to understand it," he said. "You've joined a gang, a bunch of criminals."
"Why don't you tell me what it's about, then? You tell me how you justify doing the things you've been doing."
"It's about having a family, dad. It's a brotherhood." It sounded lame, even to my ears. That's what it had been about, at first. Until it wasn't anymore. Until it was about greed, betrayal. Darkness.
"Because your family here, that wasn't good enough?"
"You're upset because I left West Bend? Because I left you and mom and went out on my own?"
"Of course not. Don't be an idiot."
"Then what is it?" I asked. "Because I didn't come back here and run the ranch? Or is it that I just didn't live up to your expectations?"
"No, you didn't live up to my expectations," he said. "We were proud of you, your mother and I. You had a purpose, an honorable job in the Marines. Now, you come home, dragging a family with you, running from God knows what, nothing good - and nothing legal, I'm sure - looking like hell, covered in tattoos, reeking of booze." He paused, drawing a long breath. "Hell, Cade, I'd say, you haven't lived up to your own expectations."
There it was. The disappointment I'd been waiting for. "Honorable?" I laughed bitterly. "What exactly do you think I did in the Marines, Pop? That's what I don't fucking get. How do you think what I do now is all that different from what I did before?"
"You know there's a difference, Cade. I may not know what you're doing now, but I know it's not legal."
"Legal," I said, practically spitting out the word. "Legal? That's all that matters?"
"No, it's not, son," he said. "You used to have more honor than this, Cade."
"Honor," I said. "You want to know what I do now? Who I am? I provide protection for the club. You want to know why Crunch is here? Because I was ordered to kill him. And when the club finds out I didn't, they're going to come after us, and try to kill us." My dad was silent, and I could feel myself gathering momentum, losing control of what I was saying.
"You think that's terrible, that I've somehow changed into someone else, someone I wasn't before. You want to pretend I was some kind of hero Marine, just because I got a fucking award. Do you understand what my job was in the Marines? I was a sniper, dad. My job, the one you think was about having principles, being a hero - I took people out. It's the same thing I've done for the club."
I paused, only to catch my breath, watching my dad's expression. He was stony-faced, staring at me. "You want to pretend there's some kind of good guy underneath this, some kind of hero that'll just come out if I get away from the MC? There's nothing, dad. There never was. You think I'm doing something different, that the MC has changed me. It's just a different fucking uniform I'm wearing. Only this one isn't the one you're proud of showing to your friends. But it's the same damn thing."
He was silent for a moment, then looked at me, his eyes narrowed. "It's not the same thing, Cade. I don't think that, not for a goddamned minute. And I don’t think you believe it, either."
June
"Hey Connie C.," I called as I walked through the front door. The bell chimed, and the air conditioning blew against my face as I stepped into the grocery store.
"Hey, honey." Connie looked up from where she stood, stocking produce. "How are things going at the house?"
"It's good. I just needed a couple things, and then I'll be back to organizing. I have to do all the yard work, add some fresh paint, that kind of thing."
"Well, you should get Mr. Austin to help you with all that," she said.
"I'll be sure to ask him." I'd ask Stan, but not Cade, that was for sure. Not after he came over that first night he was back. Thinking he could get drunk and wander over, sweet talk his way into my pants? As if all it would take was him looking at me like that. I mean, sure Cade was still hot. That look he'd given me was enough to make me wet. But he was obviously not the kind of guy I needed to get involved with.
Not if I wanted to stop making bad choices in the romance department. Cade had bad choice written all over him.
I browsed the refrigerated section, not sure what exactly I was looking for. I had no real reason for coming to the store; I was just a little stir crazy at home. Truth be told, it was harder than I thought it would be, going from a big city, back here to what was the exact opposite of that. It was quiet in the house, too quiet. I told myself it would be different when I actually started to have guests stay. Then the house would be filled with noise and I'd be dreaming of these quiet days.
I heard the bell on the door chime as someone else walked inside, and I picked up a loaf of bread, too distracted by what I was doing to pay attention to who it was until he was right beside me.
"Well, as I live and breathe," he said. "June Barton. Is that you?"
I looked up. "Holy crap," I said. "Jed?"
A big grin spread across his face. "I'd heard you were coming back to town. I was wondering when I'd run into you."
"I haven't been here that long at all," I said. "Just moved in. But look at you - are you a sheriff now?"
"I am," he said. "Got me a badge and everything." He grinned again, the same goofy smile he'd always had. "You look good, June."
My cheeks felt warm under his gaze. Jed had definitely aged well, which was no surprise. He had always been good looking, in that All-American California surfer kind of way. In high school, he'd really had the whole grunge thing down pat, going for a Kurt Cobain look.
"Look at you, though," I said. "No long hair and flannel shirts anymore? You're all proper."
"Yeah, they kind of frown on long hair in the uniform, you know. It's too bad. I think I could rock the hair I used to have." He winked.
I laughed. "I don't even want to think about some of the hairstyles I went through back in junior high and high school."
"I don't know," he said. "You always looked good to me."
Is he flirting with me?
He'd always been a bit of a flirt, even when we were back in high school. And I know he had a crush on me back then, but I was with Cade and Jed was a year younger than me, which in high school years was everything.
But there was no denying he was looking good now - trim, fit, the sleeves of his uniform stretched around the muscles in his arms. And with a buzz cut instead of his shaggy long hair, he had a military look.
That was exactly what I didn't need. I didn't need another hot guy from my past. And I certainly didn't need one who looked like a military officer, not when I was trying to get away from reminders of the military.
Jed cleared his throat. "So, you bought Mrs. Crawford's old place, huh?"
"Yeah, I'm going to try to run a little bed and breakfast."
"That'll be nice." He moved forward as a customer tried to squeeze past in the aisle, and suddenly we were standing closer together.
"Yeah," I said. I was acutely aware of the distance between us, or the lack of distance anyway.
"You should have coffee with me," he said. The way he said it wasn't a suggestion. Was I being ordered to coffee? I had the immediate impulse to say no. Of course, here was a hot guy from the past asking me to coffee - a nice, normal guy. The exact opposite of Cade.
I should say yes.
"Okay," I said.
He smiled. "Tomorrow."
I nodded.
"Where are the toys?" The pitter patter of little footsteps broke my focus on Jed, and I looked up to see Cade's friends, the ones I'd met the other day at Stan's place, standing a few feet away. I stepped back from Jed, suddenly feeling guilty, like I'd been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing.
I mentally chastised myself for feeling that way. There was no reason to feel like that. It's not like I was dating Cade.
"Are you a cop?" MacKenzie asked. "My dad says cops are pigs. Are you a pig?"
"Come here, Mac," Crunch said, scooping her up in his arms. "She's just turned four." He laughed. "Kids say such crazy things, right?"
"No, daddy," MacKenzie protested, as Crunch started to walk away with her. "You said. And pigs make oink sounds. Will he make a sound for us?"
I heard Crunch "shush" MacKenzie.
"Sorry about that," April said. "I don't know where she gets that stuff sometimes."
"That's quite alright," Jed said. "It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I'm Sheriff Easton." He held out his hand and April took it.
"April," she said.
"And you two know each other?" Jed asked.
"Yes," I said. My heart was racing, but I'm not sure whether I was more nervous that I'd been caught by April and Crunch, standing there with Jed, or that I wasn't sure how to explain them to Jed. Cade hadn't given me an explanation, but I knew their presence here wasn't something Jed needed to be aware of. Before April could answer, I said, "April and the family are relatives of Mr. Austin, cousins or something, I think."
April nodded. "We're here visiting for a few days."
"Well, nice to meet you. I'll leave you to what you're doing." He turned to me. "Coffee. Tomorrow. Nina's."
"Yes." I watched him leave, before I turned to April. It felt like my cheeks were on fire. Why did I feel so guilty, being caught making a date with Jed? Or whatever it was. It was just coffee, nothing more.
"Hi, April," I said, willing my cheeks to cool.
"Hey, June," she said. "Shopping?"
"Yeah, had to get - what the hell was I getting? Cheese." I laughed. "I was just getting out of the house, actually."
April's eyes widened. "Me too. It's beautiful here, don't get me wrong. But I was feeling a little cooped up. I was glad when Stan sent us into town to pick up a few things for dinner. Oh, why don't you come by? I'm sure he would want you to."
Did I want to go to dinner at Cade's house? That was definitely a no.
“Hey!” MacKenzie bounded down the aisle again, wrapping her arms around April’s leg. “Daddy said we can get ice cream because I was good!”
April looked down at her. “Yes, we can get ice cream. Go look at the freezer right there. You can pick whatever one you want.”
Saving Axe (Motorcycle Club Romance, Cowboy, Military) (Inferno Motorcycle Club) Page 6