“Charlie, give the girl a tour, be nice,” he said and raised a glass of beer in some kind of toast and his other friends laughed then he leaned forward a bit to me and spoke quietly, “please take her, I want to make a move on her friend.”
“Come on,” Sherrie said and took my hand and started to pull me through the bar back outside. I saw the group that Ezra was with still where they were before and Ezra looked over when he noticed us come outside. I couldn’t tell if he looked amused or annoyed that Sherrie was practically dragging me out into the square, but either way he made no attempt to come over.
“I really think showing you around during the day would be better,” I said and she laughed, her voice light and airy in the night sky.
“Charlie, I only want you to show me around the square okay?” Her accent was strong, and I would have known she was from Texas without Henry telling me.
“Okay.” I looked over my shoulder back to where Ezra was and could see that he was still watching as he kept smoking.
“Who is so interesting over there?” she asked, “one of those French girls?”
“No. I’m just looking out for a friend,” I said and took a deep breath and reluctantly started to show her around the lanes of the square. To my surprise she did actually seem quite interested in the town and asked a lot of genuine questions about the area. I actually felt a bit bad that I didn’t know all the answers to the questions she asked because at one point she actually got a notepad out of her back and started to write a few things down.
“You must love living here,” she said as we started to make our way down one of the lanes that lead to the main square where Coco’s was.
“Yeah, its been great.”
“Been?”
“I have to go home when college ends. I doubt my Aunt will want me sticking around longer than I have to.”
“Where is home?” she asked as she got a cigarette and lighter out of her bag and pressed the tip of it to her lips as she lit it.
“Suffolk, in England. Though my dad also has a house in London, but we don’t go there much.”
“I’ve not been to England yet, but it’s meant to be nice right? Just cold?”
“It’s not always cold,” I laughed and stopped walking as she leaned against one of the building walls to look at me. “There are some wonderful parts of England. But it’s not here.”
“Here is perfect,” she said as cigarette smoke blew out of her mouth and she offered it to me but I shook my head.
“No, I don’t smoke.”
“I hope me smoking doesn’t offend you,” she smiled as she took another drag.
“Not at all,” I said and wished that she would start walking again so we could get back to the bar.
“I feel like when in France you really should smoke,” she laughed and I smiled, not really knowing what to say to her. “It’s sexy isn’t it? Seeing all these French people smoking.”
“I don’t know if I find it sexy.”
“No? I feel like, after sex especially, there is nothing more attractive than lighting a cigarette.” She blew some of the smoke in my face and I waved it away, looking less than impressed with her.
“I don’t really like it,” I said, though I found that I didn’t actually mind seeing Ezra with a cigarette between his lips.
“Not even after sex?” she laughed.
“Especially after sex,” I said, though I couldn’t say I honestly knew what that would be like.
“You are a weird one aren’t you Charlie?”
“If you say so.”
“I do say so… so are we going to do this here?” she asked and waved her hand in the air.
“Do what?”
“Have sex,” she said with that light laugh again, “I know you want to.” If only she knew how far from the truth that was and I could only offer her a friendly smile.
“I don’t want to have sex.”
“You are kidding right?” She scrunched up her face in disgust as she looked at me, her demeanor changing an she stopped leaning against the wall. “Don’t think I don’t know that Henry is going to be getting it on with my friend. I assumed we would be doing the same thing.”
“Having sex with people I don’t know really isn’t my thing. You barely know me Sherrie.” She tutted at me after I spoke and started walking away, her heals clicking on the pavement loudly as she went towards the square. I stared after her in shock, I wasn’t sure why she had reacted in such a way, but maybe she wasn’t used to people turning her down. I waited a moment to give her distance before heading towards the square as well and there appeared to be more people smoking outside of the bar now and I felt their eyes on me as I approached.
“Nice one,” I heard Henry’s voice before I saw him and grimaced as he came towards me “Was it good?” he asked and he seemed strangely excited that I had possibly had sex with her.
“Nothing happened,” I snapped at him and his eyes widened before he laughed.
“She said you came really fast.”
“Yeah? She said that in the seconds she was here before me?” I rolled my eyes and moved past him to go to where I last saw Ezra.
“Don’t be embarrassed! It can happen to anyone!” Henry shouted to me as I left and I felt the urge to go back and punch him but I knew that wouldn’t help anything. “Charlie!” he shouted, but I continued to ignore him and felt relieved when I saw Ezra sitting at one of the outside tables with a few other people.
“Can we go?” I asked as soon as I got to him and he looked at me in surprise.
“We’ve only just got here,” he said and frowned a little. “Sit down, have a drink.”
“I’m really not having fun Ezra.” He looked a little embarrassed as I spoke to him and his friends were all watching our exchange.
“Sit down,” he said again, but there was nothing forceful in his voice at all. I did as he said though and sat down beside him and he cleared his throat before taking another sip of whatever spirit he was drinking.
“I just had to give a tour of the square to some girl who just wanted to have sex with me,” I said quietly to him once his friends started to engage in their conversations again.
“I saw you go with her. Did you? Have sex?” I looked at him and was surprised to see a serious expression on his face.
“No. Why would you even ask me that?”
“She was very pretty.”
“I literally told you earlier that I’m not interested.” I felt anger building up inside of me as we spoke and I had no idea why he felt the need to press me like that.
“Yes. But then I saw you go off with her and I wondered if you actually meant what you said earlier.” I must have given him one hell of a dirty look then because he looked down at the glass in his hands and seemed a bit ashamed of himself.
“I’m going home,” I said and stood up, causing his friends to stop talking again, but this time I didn’t feel the awkwardness that I felt before, but Ezra clearly did. I could deal with someone having insecurities, I was the same, but I hated that he would think I would lie to him. It was the last thing I would ever do. I was half expecting him to tell me not to leave but when he didn’t I walked away, still wondering when he would come after me and stop me. He didn’t. I looked back over my shoulder and he was simply talking to his friends again as if nothing had happened. But what had just happened? Was this a game to him? Had he wanted to see if he could actually get me where he wanted me only to then laugh at me behind my back? Whatever his aim was, it hurt and angered me in equal measure and I walked home in the darkness on my own.
DOWN
It had been a week since the incident at Coco’s and neither me or Ezra had made any attempt to talk to each other. It felt like it did after he first asked me for water then left, that same rejection all over again. But this time it was different, I had experienced a closeness to him that I had not experienced before and it hurt to see him working in the gardens every day with a feeling that I couldn’t converse
with him. I wanted to feel his lips against mine again, to be close to him in my study with our knees touching. It felt so long ago and I had to tell myself that it did actually happen and I didn’t imagine it. I was due to travel back to England that weekend for the funeral and part of me wanted to speak with Ezra before that and another self destructive part of me wanted him to think I had returned for good without even saying goodbye. I knew that Andre would probably tell him it was only a fleeting visit though, or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe Ezra wouldn’t even ask or notice that I was gone. Hildie had noticed the change in my mood and seemed nervous. I knew she had made a few concerned calls to my dad, he probably spat out some speech he had learned off by heart from the doctors. Keep giving him the medication and he will be fine.
Henry was insufferable at college. I had suddenly become the guy who came too fast while trying to pleasure a girl down an alley even though nothing could be further from the truth. Henry thought it hilarious of course and took every opportunity to make a joke about it. It was weird that even though I protested that nothing had happened between us, my so-called “friends” would rather believe a girl who had been in town for a few days than believe me. I pretty much kept myself to myself for the rest of the week, having no energy to converse about the imaginary scenario anymore and actually started to look forward to going back to England for some respite. Hopefully by the time I got back someone else would be the focus of conversation and I could get on like I had before. I enjoyed blending in. Being the centre of attention was absolutely not my thing. It made me feel incredibly anxious and self conscious, and even my elastic band trick wasn’t enough to keep those feelings at bay. I scratched my shoulder blades so much I had made them bleed instead.
Aunt Hildie helped me pack up some clothes on Friday evening before her usual evening guest arrived and made sure that I had my passport and ticket ready before I would have to leave in the morning. I had decided that I would talk to Ezra before I left, I wanted to clear the air and see where we were so I wouldn’t feel anxious when I came back. But he had left work before the end of the day and Andre had said that he wasn’t working over the weekend, which took away any chance I had of seeing him before I left. I didn’t know how I really felt about what had happened any more. It was strange, because although I longed to have some connection with him it was like my fascination with him had faded. He was still as beautiful as he always was. But that unknown magic of him had gone. I didn’t miss it. If anything it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I could breathe again. But if I was to have that time back in my study again I would take it and relieve every second again and again. If that was all I was going to have of Ezra I was going to treasure it, even though it did not go the way I had hoped or even expected. Maybe he wouldn’t even be working for my aunt by the time I returned.
I woke that night to a gentle tapping on my window and at first I ignored it, figuring it was some animal or just a stick or something that had got caught in the breeze. It persisted and got to the point where I got up out of bed and opened the curtains to investigate. To say I nearly had a heart attack when I opened them is not an exaggeration. I had seen enough horror movies to know that if someone is out on your balcony at night they don’t have good intentions - so seeing a figure there almost scared me to death. Fortunately, the figure belonged to Ezra. I opened the door and stepped out, feeling the cool air wash over my body causing me to shiver.
“What the hell are you doing?” I snapped at him and he seemed surprised that I didn’t greet him with open arms.
“I wanted to talk to you. It was late…I couldn’t knock on the front door,” he explained, “So I climbed up.”
“How?” I scowled at him and wanted to ignore the romantic notion of him climbing up to my bedroom to see me.
“The trellis. It wasn’t as strong as I thought I’m going to have to repair some of it next week.”
“You didn’t think you could just talk to me during the day?”
“You’ve kept your distance. And I understand why,” we both spoke in hushed tones even though my aunt’s room was on the other side of the house and she was most likely preoccupied with Bardet. “I am so sorry Charlie.” He seemed sincere with his words but that stubborn side of me didn’t want to believe him.
“I thought we were going out to have fun. Us. Me and you.”
“We were. I panicked, I really don’t know why.”
“Panicked? Because you went there with me?” I wrapped my arms around myself, really starting to feel the cold and it was causing me to shiver more.
“Yes. No one knows. About me.”
“That you like men?” I asked and I hated how vulnerable he looked.
“Yeah.”
“It’s not something to be ashamed of. If it is who you are it is okay.”
“I thought that too. I used to,” he said, “you’re cold,” he frowned when he noticed that I was shivering. “Can we go inside?”
“We need to be quiet,” I nodded and let him into my room and quietly closed the balcony door behind me. “Did something happen to you, that made you feel like this?”
“My brother. I told him when he came to the house after our Grandfather died. He went mad. Told me I was disgusting, that I deserved to die.” I went to him after he spoke and wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. He stayed still for only a moment before bringing his arms around me as well and I sighed contently.
“I’m sorry he said that. But it is not true. You’re not disgusting. You do not deserve to die. I hate that he said those things to you.”
“I fear other people thinking the same.”
“If people think that way, it is their problem. Not yours.” I looked up at his face and he smiled at at me.
“I wish that more people could be like you Charlie. The last guy I was with really didn’t do much to help my anxiety around this.”
“Then he didn’t deserve you,” I said surely, “I’m not wanting to force you to be open about anything. It’s not even something I am open about but only because I haven’t felt the need to be open about it. But there is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Thanks…but really. This is about me apologising, not having you make me feel better about myself.”
“You’ve apologised. It’s okay. It is all okay.” I felt the need to kiss him again so without hesitation I did and he held me tightly in his arms. “You know I’m leaving tomorrow?” I asked in a whisper, already wanting to stay there with him instead of going back to England.
“Yes. Andre told me. How long will you be gone?”
“I will be back next weekend,” I frowned.
“Would it be okay if I stayed here with you tonight?” Ezra asked, “I can sleep on the floor…I just feel like such an idiot for wasting this week.”
“You can stay,” I smiled, “you don’t have to sleep on the floor…there is plenty of room in my bed.” I felt incredibly forward saying it but I wanted to be as close to him as possible.
“You don’t mind?”
“No. Come on.” I moved away back to my bed and got myself under the covers, they were still warm from when I had left them only a few minutes ago. I watched as Ezra shrugged off his jacket and took his shoes and socks off then undid his jeans so he stood just in his shirt and underwear. I hadn’t seen his legs before and they looked pale, like his arms and face did when he first started working for us. In comparison they now had a gorgeous glowing tan, but clearly his legs did not get the same attention from the sun.
“You checking out my legs?” he grinned and laughed quietly before slipping into bed beside me.
“I’ve not seen them before,” I smiled and shifted closer to him, both of us on our sides facing each other.
“I guess you haven’t.” He moved his face closer to mine and rubbed his nose lightly against the tip of mine. “Charlie? Will you be mine?”
“Be yours?” I asked though I knew what he meant.
“M
e and you, I want us to belong to each other. I know we still have so much to learn. But I don’t want another week like the one we just had.”
“I want that too. I want to be yours.” He responded by kissing me, he was so incredibly gentle with me I was sure he thought I might break if he moved too quickly.
“Have you ever been with a man Charlie?” he asked me and I shook my head, no.
“I’ve never been with anyone,” I replied honestly. It was my turn to kiss him then and it was my way of giving him permission to do what he wanted, that I had told him I was his now and I trusted him, gave my consent for whatever was to happen next, for what I hoped would happen next. I was his and he was mine, and nothing had felt so natural to me in my entire life.
HOME
Being back in England felt like stepping out of one world into another. The sleepy town that my aunt lived in was very much in its own bubble, stuck in time in an enchanting way. My dad was meeting me in London before we would go back to Suffolk and being in the capital was like being smacked in the face with technology that I had not missed or required for months. Liverpool Street Station was bright and busy - large screens advertising various products or films were in constant motion, a bustling backdrop for the noise and constant train announcements over speakers. I felt like a tourist, looking around as if I had never seen the setting before even though I had been there many times in the past. I spotted my father sitting outside a coffee shop and made my way over to him as quickly as possible, weaving between the crowds of people who all seemed to be in a hurry and going in the opposite direction to me. He greeted me with a broad smile and I noticed he had new wrinkles around his eyes which were definitely not there the last time I had seen him. My dad was a tall, broad man, and until recent years he had a head of dark hair, but it was now peppered with grey hairs at the sides. He had grown a beard since I had last seen him, but it was well kept and actually suited his aging face rather nicely. Sitting at the table with him was a woman who must have been in her mid-twenties with long brown hair, expertly curled and styled to one side so it fell over her shoulder. She wore a tight black dress and her lips were painted bright red with lipstick. She smiled at me and I noted just how white her teeth were.
Roots Before Branches Page 5