“Dad?” I looked to my father then, not having a clue what to expect from him, but he smiled at me and placed his now empty wine glass down on the table.
“I really look forward to meeting him one day,” Dad said and gave me a reassuring look. “I wish you had of said something earlier, he could have come back with you for the week.” I felt a little overwhelmed at how accepting he was being, not that I thought he would disapprove, but I was expecting some kind of negativity in one way or another.
“Like I said, we only made it official before I left,” I said with a small smile, “but…maybe next time? He still has to work while I’m gone.”
“What does aunt Hildie think of you getting it on with the gardener?” Daniel snorted his laugh and I knew I could count on him to ask a question like that.
“She doesn’t know.”
“Oh, you should tell her kiddo,” Dad frowned, “she won’t be happy about you keeping something from her. She will be happy for you both, I’m sure.”
“I will tell her when she gets back, as long as Ezra is okay with that. I know he is a bit worried about losing his job because of us.”
“If she dares fire him you call me,” dad said seriously, “I won’t have that. As long as he is doing his job and not slacking then she would have no reason to fire him.”
“Thanks dad. I appreciate it.” He had no idea just now much I meant that. My nerves about letting anyone know about the relationship came from Ezra and his bad experience with his brother. I had assumed that I would face the same judgment, but my relief was beyond words.
The evening went by with lots of laughter and stories from us all. Having Joe and Carrie in the mix gave the reunion a whole new lease of life and Daniel even spent a long time chatting with Joe which dad seemed happy about. I knew that Carrie was meant to be with Daniel. I loved everything about her and if I could have chosen someone for my brother it would have been someone like her. She seemed to have a good grasp on him, embraced his mood swings and gave him a sense of calm that I hadn’t seen him have in many years. Joe was brilliant too, and I could see how her and dad were a good match. She made him laugh. As much as dad had reassured us over the years that he was happy, both Daniel and I knew that there was something missing in his life. It turned out that that something was Joe. I was so happy that he had found her.
The next day everyone woke up past nine in the morning and ate a full English breakfast together courtesy of Joe and dad. It felt like we were all enjoying a nice holiday together, but the memory that we had to attend a funeral on Monday kept lingering over us, almost telling us not to be too happy. We should have been mourning. Once everyone had eaten and got dressed Daniel suggested that we went for a walk, like we used to. It was a bit different before because we would take Bill, the family dog with us, but he had died a couple of years ago and dad never got another dog to fill the empty hole that Bill had left. I remember feeling devastated when he died, that dog had been with us for as long as I remember and him being gone never felt right. Dad had promised to get another dog, but shortly after that I left for France and Daniel moved out. I had expected him to get an animal to keep him company, but it never happened.
There was something nice about it just being Daniel and I for a while. We both inhaled the lavender scented air deeply and spoke about the old trails we used to take when we were kids. We were both older now, Daniel seemed so much older. The way he spoke and moved was so mature and I really admired this man that he had become. I was proud that he had got himself together. As a child he had been what would be referred to as a ‘problem child’ which I think we all put down to him not coping well when mum had left us. I was eight when it happened, but Daniel was fourteen, in the middle of high school. It affected everything from his friendships to studies, and it was remarkable that he actually got himself back together again. I was fiercely proud of him.
“So, there is something that I want to talk to you about,” he said once we were halfway towards an old brook that we used to play around in the summers.
“That sounds ominous,” I commented as I picked up a stick and started to drag it along the bushes that lined the side of the dirt road.
“It’s not as ominous as it sounds. I’ve decided that I’m going to propose to Carrie.”
“Daniel,” I said and stopped walking to look at him, feeling a huge surge of pride and love for him. “Seriously? That’s amazing. Congratulations.”
“Don’t congratulate me yet,” he warned, “she hasn’t said yes yet. But I have a ring. I’m going to do it one evening at work, when it is just me and her in the studio.”
“I can’t believe you are actually going to ask someone to be your wife.”
“I can’t believe that you actually have a boyfriend,” he chuckled, “I was wondering when you might actually make the announcement. Not that it is something you had to do. But I’m basically saying I am happy for you.”
“You knew then?”
“I knew,” he nodded
“Thanks for not making a big deal about it Dan.”
“You’re my brother Charlie. I don’t care who you are with as long as they treat you right and make you happy…you are using protection, right?” I couldn’t stop myself laughing at the question and started walking with him again.
“There has only been one time. But yes. We used protection.”
“Good, glad to know my little bro is keeping it safe.”
“I really like Carrie you know,” I told him, “she’s great. So funny and witty. You make a really nice couple. I hope that she says yes.”
“Me too. If she does you are going to be my best man right?”
“I would be highly offended if I wasn’t.” I had a light tone to my voice but I felt incredibly emotional as we spoke, and so honoured that he would want me by his side.
“You can bring Ezra, of course. Though I am actually hoping to bring Carrie out to meet aunt Hildie soon so, I will want to meet him then.”
“It is still really new between us,” I said, not wanting Daniel to think it was something more serious than it actually was yet.
“Yeah, but I can already tell you’re not wanting to leave France because he is there.”
“How can you tell that? I haven’t even figured that out for myself yet.”
“Charlie, I’ve known you your whole life, I know you better than you know yourself. Don’t come back here if it isn’t what you want to do yet. But don’t throw away your dreams for him either.”
“I think I am just trying to work out my next steps as realistically as possible.”
“I would miss you if you didn’t come back,” he admitted, “but it would be a good excuse for extra holiday’s if it meant I came to visit you.”
“You don’t even visit me now,” I laughed and he chuckled back.
“Well that is because I didn’t want to cramp your style. When you left you said you couldn’t wait to get away from me.”
“You know I was just being a grumpy teenager.”
“You are still a teenager,” he pointed out, “and still grumpy.”
“I’m not grumpy.”
“Okay, maybe a little less grumpy.”
ADMISSIONS
The funeral was odd for us all as only my dad knew who anyone was, which meant that the rest of us stood around awkwardly. It was even weirder for me and Daniel as so many people came up to us, telling us that they remembered us when we were babies. What I didn’t understand though was why they all seemed so offended when we realised that we didn’t remember them in return. People expect a lot from babies who don’t even have the strength to hold their own heads up. I heard a lot of whispers while I was there too, a family gathering was the perfect place for gossip - even when it was a funeral. The main gossip point was my dad and Joe, I even had one lady asked if she was dad’s love child, another kept asking if she was my girlfriend even though I had told them repeatedly no. I told one man who was my dad’s second cousin, that Joe was his par
tner and he had made some comment about dad being a cradle snatcher. I admit the age gap was larger than I would have expected, but I didn’t really think that there was any need for comments like that. Joe and dad didn’t seem to care though, and Joe was incredibly charming to everyone who came her way. Despite it being a funeral it seemed like a good introduction for her and I started to like her even more.
The rest of the week flew by though, my dad took us out for lunches, dinners and day trips, which was so unlike him but clearly Joe inspired a different side of him. He had to go back to London with her a day before I was flying back and he apologised profusely but I assured him it was okay and that Daniel and Carrie said that they would take me to the airport. The three of us stayed in dad’s house in Suffolk for one final night and it was lovely being with the two of them.
We raided dad’s wine collection that he didn’t think we
knew about, but made sure not to touch the real vintage ones. I knew that traveling the next day wouldn’t be the easiest with a hangover, but being with Daniel was such a rare occurrence I didn’t want to pass it up. Carrie was a hilarious drunk too, firing jokes from all angles, most of them at Daniel’s expense but he took it in his stride. Daniel seemed unusually attentive to me as well, I knew what topic he wanted to bring up, I could see it almost falling off of the tip of his tongue, and it was the wine that finally got him to speak.
“How have you been?” he asked, “like, really been, you know, with everything.” Carrie looked over to us and I knew he had probably told her about my condition.
“You mean, with my bipolar?” I asked him back and he seemed a bit surprised that I had said it out loud. “What? It doesn’t hurt to say it.”
“I know, just, usually you are a bit closed off with it,” he said with slightly slurred words.
“I’m fine,” I replied and drank some more wine. “Taking my medication everyday. Writing in my diary. Doing everything that I should be doing.”
“How does it work?” Carrie asked and rested her chin on the palm of her hand as she looked at me intently.
“How does what work?” I asked and she smiled at me.
“Like, do you have happy days and sad days?”
“It’s not as simple as that,” I explained, “it’s really extreme.”
“He used to have manic episodes and not want to eat or sleep,” Daniel continued for me, “he would talk non stop. I mean…you can talk a lot now Charlie but…God you wouldn’t shut up.”
“I couldn’t help it,” I frowned, “I would also draw a lot during those episodes, so that was a good thing.”
“You also maxed out dad’s credit card on art supplies once.” Daniel pointed out and I sighed and rubbed my hand over my face.
“Again, I had no real control of what I was doing. I would never have done that normally.”
“So, you get really chatty and go on spending sprees?” Carrie asked, her eyes wide from the alcohol.
“Well, that time, yeah. But it’s exhausting. I was convinced that if I didn’t buy all that stuff something bad would happen. It seems so ridiculous now, but when it was happening, I really believed it.”
“What about sad stuff?” Carrie asked and dipped her finger into her wine then licked the liquid off of her finger.
“I’ve only had one depressive episode.” I found myself being far more honest with alcohol in my veins. “It was horrible, nothing felt worth doing anymore.”
“Let’s not talk about that,” Daniel said seriously so I sipped at my wine some more.
“You’re okay right now?” Carrie rested her head on Daniel’s shoulder as she continued to look at me.
“I’m okay right now.” I nodded and she looked relieved.
“Does Ezra know?” Daniel asked then and I looked down at the glass in my hand.
“No. I don’t think so anyway, unless Andre has told him.”
“Maybe you should tell him.”
“Maybe.”
It felt particularly emotional saying goodbye to Daniel this time round, knowing that he was planning to propose to Carrie. I told him that I couldn’t wait for him to call with an update and he gave me one of his big tight hugs to say goodbye. I did wonder if I might get a similar call from dad about marriage with Joe, not that he had hinted at anything, but I figured it wouldn’t be far off. It felt weird to know that next time I saw them I could be introducing Ezra to them, but it made me feel excited for the future.
Flying back into Paris was painless and I arrived in the evening, the time when I liked the city the most. Dad had booked a hotel for me in the city for the night as I couldn’t get a connecting flight to Marseille until the following afternoon. It suited me just fine as I loved Paris, and Paris at night was completely magical. Normally I wouldn’t like the hustle and bustle of a busy city, but Paris had something about it that was different to anywhere else and I could never explain why - it was just a feeling. I hoped that one day I could bring Ezra there, it may seem a bit cliché but the romantic in me really wanted to go to Paris with a lover. Is that what he was now? A lover, a boyfriend? I preferred the term lover to boyfriend, it sounded more mature, less playground speak. Plus, Ezra was hardly a boy and neither was I anymore. Man friend doesn’t exactly have a nice ring to it though does it?
PARIS
I found my hotel and was pleased that my room had a balcony. Not a big one, only large enough to step out onto and lean against the railing, but it was perfect. Down below on the streets I could see people walking, alone, together, in groups. Each with their own destination and purpose. Cars were in constant movement, lights reflecting off of the floor and they honked their horns at pedestrians who dared to dart out to cross the road quickly. I inhaled the air deeply and felt how the breeze touched my cheeks and hair. I felt liberated. The reaction of my family about Ezra was more than anything I could have hoped. You hear a lot about nightmare situations, being disowned, getting abused. I knew how fortunate I was that my story was different, I was so grateful for that. It was hard to imagine how Ezra must have felt when he came out to his brother, the fear and rejection he must have felt. He didn’t have to be scared any more though. I thought about going out into the city to see if any stores were open that might sell cell phones, to get one for me and Ezra to have so we could have talked when we were apart like this. He might have had one already. I had one stashed in my bedside drawer, but I never used it. I had been honest to my dad when I said I never had signal out there, so really, the whole idea was a little pointless. Instead I ordered room service, I felt rather pleased that my food came up under a silver cloche and I sat on the double bed in the room and ate my food on it. I was tempted to order myself a bottle of wine but didn’t want to overdo my Dad’s generosity so kept to the tap water. Plus, flying with a hangover would not be ideal.
I had a little time the next morning before going to the airport so wandered down a few lanes I had discovered last time I was in the capital. There was an old record shop that also sold coffee that I had spent a couple of hours in before so went back there and was greeted by the same man that was there last year. He made me a black coffee while I browsed and brought it over to me a little while later in a yellow paper cup. A few other people came in while I was there and I could just make out that they were complaining about a drunk man stumbling in the streets. Apparently he had tried to piss on one of them. I made a mental note to avoid the lane they mentioned he was in.
I had a record player back at Hildie’s and had only taken a couple of records with me from home. One was Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours, which I played more than anything, and I didn’t think it was right to have a long player without owning that record. The second was Magnification by Yes, it belonged to my dad and I don’t think he knew I had it. It reminded me of long weekends at the house in Suffolk, he would sit on the sofa playing it while Daniel and I busied ourselves around him. There was actually quite a few Yes albums in the shop, all with eccentric artwork and I wanted to look up who actuall
y designed for them. I found myself drawn to the Elton John records though, having always enjoyed his music even though Daniel would complain if he ever had to listen to it. I actually loved the tone of John’s voice, and I didn’t have to listen to Daniel complaining anymore so I picked up a couple of records and held them under my arm as I continued to look around, wanting to finish my coffee before I left. I wondered what kind of music Ezra was into. I had seen him working one time with an old portable cassette player and I couldn’t believe they still existed and that it worked. I remember buying cassettes with my pocket money when I was little, only singles with one track on each side. I would listen to them over and over until the sound would start to wobble and dad would make me throw them out. Recording songs off of the radio was also a thing I liked to do, I would get so excited to catch a song I wanted and, again, would play it over and over until it didn’t work anymore. If I had the means to I would definitely make Ezra a mix tape. I would fill it with everything, every genre under the sun just in case his music taste was something more obscure. Next time I saw him, I would ask, maybe he would be happy to sit and listen to Elton John with me. Failing that, I’m sure he wouldn’t resist Rumours and if he did, I wouldn’t trust his taste in music anyway.
Once I left the record store with my purchases I passed a bakery that had large brightly coloured meringues in the window. I stopped and stared at them for a few seconds before deciding to go in and buy them and was a little surprised at just how many flavours there were. I chose a banana one and then got distracted by the beautiful cakes they had on display and also picked a citrus tart to take with me. I had to get a train to the airport so I figured I would need something to eat on the journey - that was my excuse anyway. The tart had been devoured before I even got on the train and I was a little annoyed at myself for not buying another one. We lacked a bakery in town which was a little strange as it would fit in with the town perfectly.
Roots Before Branches Page 7