“You need to talk to me,” he said and slammed the door behind us and let go of my arm. I rubbed where he had grabbed me and looked at him.
“Why? I’m a queer remember?” I wished that I could think more before speaking, but it had never been a strong point of mine.
“Who are you with?” he asked and stepped closer to me but then shoved me away from him. I stumbled a bit because I wasn’t expecting him to do that, and I hadn’t been able to prepare myself for when he pushed me again and my back hit the wall.
“Henry stop it!” I shouted at him but he grabbed my shirt and held the material in both fists. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath on mine and I was actually scared that he was really going to hurt me.
“Who is it? Who are you with?”
“Ezra,” I said, having no idea why he wanted to know but I was scared of what might happen if I didn’t tell him.
“Ezra? Who is that?”
“He works for my aunt.”
“You’re stooping yourself low to sleep with someone who works for you,” he said and spat in my face. At such close range it hit my cheek and I felt it start to roll down my skin but I didn’t dare move. What he did next shocked me more than him spitting at me and I felt him crash his lips against mine. He was using his whole body to pin me against the wall and the way he was aggressively kissing me felt like an attack. I could taste blood in my mouth from the way his teeth were crashing against my mouth and it was then that something clicked and I actually moved and shoved him away from me.
“What the hell are you doing?!” I exclaimed and wiped my sleeve across my mouth in disgust. He glared at me then stepped closer again but this time he swung his fist at my face. I must have blacked out for a few seconds because when I opened my eyes I was on the floor but I don’t remember getting there. Henry was standing over me and he was swinging his foot with force into my stomach. It was then that I realised how much pain I was in, not just from him kicking me, which made my whole body jerk, but my face was stinging and felt wet so I must have been bleeding from somewhere. I put my hand out to stop him kicking me again and to my surprise he actually didn’t attempt to try again.
“Stand up,” he ordered and I wasn’t sure if I actually could until he was pulling me up by my hair to stand. “You are a filthy faggot,” he said angrily, “don’t ever touch me again.” Clearly there was something not functioning in his head as it was definitely not me who made any move on him at any point in our relationship. “Tell anyone about this and you and your little boyfriend are dead.” He shoved me against the wall one last time then left the classroom in a hurry. I didn’t know when I started to cry but I put my hand over my mouth as I started to sob. Each inhale of breath hurt my chest and I guessed that he might have broken one of my ribs. I don’t know how long I stood there for, I was half expecting a teacher to walk in at some point and help me, but no one came. Eventually I walked slowly out of the room and down the hallway. A few people who were mingling outside of the rooms looked at me but not one of them offered me any help or asked if I was okay. It made me question the world that I was living in where someone doesn’t show any compassion to someone who is clearly hurt. It had definitely gone three when I got out of the building and Monsieur Bardet’s car was no where to be seen. I actually wanted him to be there, to take me home so I didn’t have to attempt to walk. I glanced back at the college and knew I would have to go back inside and get them to call my aunt, she would probably be angry that I had missed my ride with Victor and not care too much that I had been hurt.
The receptionist obviously hadn’t seen me when I had left the building only minutes before, because when I came back in and her eyes fell on me she turned extremely pale right in front of me.
“Oh my goodness are you okay?” she asked and quickly moved from behind her desk to come to my side. “Sit down, sit down.” She gently guided me to one of the chairs and I started to cry again. “What happened? Do I need to call for an ambulance?”
“No,” I sniffed, “can you just call my aunt please?” I asked and she took my name to retrieve my file and get her phone number. She spent a while on the phone and I wasn’t sure what details she was passing on but she kept looking over to me nervously. When she came back over she handed me a tissue and then started to dab another to the side of my face.
“She is sending someone to come and get you,” she said softly, “they should be here soon. What happened Charlie?”
“Nothing,” I said and flinched away from her when she touched my face a little too hard.
“We do need to know what happened,” she sighed, “for everyone’s safety.”
“No, it was my fault,” I said and I had no idea why I was closing up or why I wanted to protect Henry - I felt that his threat about me and Ezra was empty, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. It was Victor who she had sent to come and get me, and he looked positively furious when he saw me sitting there covered in blood. He spoke angrily at the receptionist in French until she held her hands in the air and walked away from him shaking her head. He pulled me up by my arm and the pain that ripped through my chest was incredible, but he ignored my protests and held onto my arm until he could literally shove me into the car.
“If you were out here when I told you to be this wouldn’t have happened. Stupid boy,” he hissed at me as he started the engine and pulled away from the college. I felt breathless as he spoke and couldn’t believe what he was saying to me - was he stupid? He clicked his fingers in front of my face when I didn’t answer me and I looked at him - his face looked like thunder. “Your aunt will not be happy about this.”
“I’m hardly thrilled,” I commented and he glared at me. “I wasn’t outside at three because this was happening to me,” I told him and he didn’t believe me or didn’t want to. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the drive and when we got to the house he came round to my side of the car and flung the door open and it felt like he was being deliberately rough getting me out of the car to make a point. I saw Ezra and Andre working near the house and when they saw us they both stared. I could see the blood draining out of Ezra’s face as we approached the house and he made a move like he was going to run to me but Andre placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him. I wanted Ezra by my side, for him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be all right. It was like his comfort was dangling out in front of me and I wasn’t allowed to reach out and take it.
FLIGHT
After what happened at college I didn’t leave the house. aunt Hildie had called a doctor who had said that I did have a broken rib and that all I could do was rest. My side bruised horribly and it hurt to move or even lay down. I had asked repeatedly if I could sit outside while I recovered so I could speak with Andre and Ezra but Monsieur Bardet was completely against the idea and I was confined to my bedroom. Hildie had informed my father of what happened and he had been dealing with the college and was adamant that I would not be returning for the rest of the term. I was pleased, I didn’t want to be anywhere near Henry. It also meant that my family had decided to come and visit a lot sooner than originally planned, dad being incredibly worried about me, especially as I was not giving any details away about what had happened. I wasn’t sure if he was more worried about the attack or the effect it was going to have on my mental health. Hildie was making sure to get my tablets in me though, even if it meant her sitting by my side and watching me swallow them.
After a week of being in basic isolation Ezra finally climbed the trellis again one night to be with me. I had been keeping the balcony door open each night while it was warm enough in case he did come, and until he did each night I felt saddened that he hadn’t. It was the biggest relief when I finally heard him come through the door and he sat himself down on the edge of my bed and gently stroked my hair.
“Charlie…” he whispered softly to me, “who did this to you?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
“Andre said you have a broken rib. Does it not hurt to lay down?” he asked.
“It does,” I nodded, “but I can’t sleep in the chair any more it is giving me back ache.”
“I wish I could stay here and look after you,” he said regretfully.
“I wish you could too. But…my dad is coming next week, he will make sure we get to spend time together.”
“Okay,” he sighed, “I wish you would tell me what happened Charlie.”
“Someone just really doesn’t like me,” I said and he gently brought his fingers to my cheek that was badly bruised.
“I would have never let anyone hurt you if I was there.”
“I know.”
“I’ve brought you something,” he said and moved a bit to get something out of his pocket. It was a small wooden box and he opened it to show me a thin silver ring.
“Ezra. You better not be proposing to me right now,” I said seriously, feeling like he would have been doing it out of sympathy.
“No. It’s not an engagement ring,” he smiled softly, “it’s a promise ring though. Not even a promise of marriage or anything, it’s just a promise that I won’t let anyone ever hurt you again, that I will always be there.” I felt a lump in my throat and had to take a deep breath to stop myself from crying.
“Don’t. You will make me cry,” I warned and he just gave me another smile.
“I don’t want to make you cry but I mean it. When I saw you walking to the house hurt and covered in blood it was like I felt that pain too.”
“I will look after you too, you know.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Thank you, for the ring…” I said and let him take my hand and he placed it on my left ring finger even though he said it wasn’t an engagement ring it now certainly looked like it.
“I love you,” he whispered and I felt my breath catch in my throat at hearing the words. “I hate that someone hurt you.”
“I love you too,” I said and I couldn’t stop a tear falling down my cheek that time and he softly brushed it away.
“I can’t wait to have you home in the apartment. I need you in my space. It has felt so empty without you.”
“I’ve only been there a few times,” I smiled.
“A few times was enough for you to make it yours,” he said, “Charlie, please tell me who did this to you.”
“Why? What difference would it make if I told you?”
“I could do something about it.”
“Like that? Go beat him up?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I don’t want you to that. I’m not going back to college. I will never have to see him again,” I pointed out and he shook his head.
“He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.”
“No, he shouldn’t. But this isn’t something I want to fight. Please, Ez.”
“Fine,” he huffed and shrugged. “You are safe now, that is what matters,” he said and I reached for his hand which he took in his.
“You going to sleep here tonight?” I asked and he shook his head. “Why not?”
“You need space, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Ez, this is a double bed you won’t squash me.” I laughed quietly and he blew air out of his cheeks as he thought about it.
“Okay, but if I break another one of your ribs in the night, it is your fault,” he said and got up to move over the other side of the bed to take off of his shoes and get in next to me.
“I wish we could have sex,” I whispered and I could feel him getting as close as he could to me without causing me to move and hurt myself.
“I wish we could too,” he said, “when you’re better, I won’t keep my hands off of you, I promise.”
“You better not break that promise.”
“I won’t.”
The next day I was able to make my way downstairs to sit in the living room without Hildie or Victor making any protests. I could hear them speaking to each other in hushed tones whenever they came near me, which seemed redundant given that I didn’t understand what they were saying anyway. The whole atmosphere felt icy, there was a heavy cloud sitting over the house and I knew it wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. I was looking forward to my dad coming, he would hopefully bring some sense of normality back to the building. I couldn’t get my head around how much had changed since I had returned from England. I was only gone a week and yet everything had been turned upside down since my return. I never would have guessed that Henry would end up doing what he did to me. I knew he was a bit of a loose canon at times and could be a complete idiot, but this was a different extreme. I may he been naive in thinking that everyone I encountered would be accepting of my sexuality, but at the same time, who I decided to love with none of his concern. I have been told before not to dwell on thing’s that I couldn’t control. The attack was something that I could not control. Mainly because it was now in the past and there was no way to change it. My dad put it nicely one time when I felt anxious as a child “Don’t get hit by the second arrow.” I think it was actually a Buddhist belief rather than something he came up with himself but it always stayed with me. The idea was that the first arrow, the bad event, will hit us no matter what. The attack was that first arrow and there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it. The second arrow is how you deal with the event, the suffering. You can chose to let that second arrow hit you, allow yourself to suffer and not move on. Or, you could avoid it, take control because that second arrow does not have to hit you. How you deal with pain is in your hands and you do not have to suffer. It’s a nice theory and I would often sit and think to myself about that second arrow. For most of my life I think I had successfully dodged it, I never allowed myself to let events linger around me, causing me to feel more harm than what was needed. Of course, this is all very well when you are speaking hypothetically. No matter what I couldn’t avoid that second arrow now, or the third, or fourth for that matter. The second arrow was hitting me square in the face over and over and I felt like I couldn’t express just how terrified I was feeling to anyone. I had wanted to tell Ezra everything last night, but I couldn’t. What if Henry really meant what he said and really wanted to harm to both me and Ezra if I told anyone? I felt myself tremble just thinking about it and took a shuddering breath as I realised that I had started to cry. I felt a hand on my shoulder and flinched before seeing that it was Hildie.
“Are you in pain?” she asked softly and sat down beside me. Everything about her felt quiet and soft, much like how I imagined by mother should have been if she was still around.
“No,” I whispered, “I just feel like I am suffocating.” She furrowed her brows as she continued to look at me.
“I’ve heard you at night. Having nightmares,” she said and I didn’t know what to say. I had been having dreams about what had happened but I didn’t know I was vocalising my fears while I slept.
“Sorry.”
“It is nothing you need to apologise for,” she assured me but I was sure that Monsieur Bardet was hardly happy about it. “I called the doctor this morning. I think you need something to help with your nerves.” Had she been reading my mind? I felt like I had had barely any contact with her the past few days, but the contact we did have must have showed the state I was in.
“What did the doctor say?”
“He has a prescription for you for diazepam.”
“Oh…right. Will it mess with the lithium I take?” I asked, not feeling overly positive about taking more medication for what was happening in my head, but I also didn’t want to feel so on edge anymore.
“He said it shouldn’t do, I am going to go and pick it up for you this afternoon.” She gave me a sad smile. “Oh, you had a phone call earlier, from your friend Henry, he said he would call back later.”
“Henry called?” I felt an immediate chill as I thought a
bout him and wanted to tell her to not let him call me, to block his number from the house.
“That’s nice of him isn’t it?”
“If he calls back can you say I am sleeping or something?” I asked, “I don’t want to be reminded of college right now. I’m still upset that I am not going back.”
“Oh, yes, okay dear,” she nodded, “try and get some rest, I will be back from town soon.” She gave my knee a squeeze as she stood and she leaned down to kiss the top of my head.
The medication the doctor had prescribed me was strong. I was unsure if the dosage he had given was high or just what would be considered average, but within an hour of taking it I felt so fatigued that I had to go back to bed. I hated feeling drowsy like that, but it also made me forget for a while too. Which wasn’t a bad thing. Did I want to feel numb though? Was that a good thing? Surely the best thing to do would be to face all of this head on with a clear mind. I was apparently incapable of doing that. I spent the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep, my dreams vivid and strange. Hildie woke me at one point with my second dosage and I wasn’t even sure if she was real. It must have been a high dose. I wish that I could have known either way because I feared that I was going into a depressive episode, and with feeling so numb, I would never really know for sure.
Ezra came to my room again that night but I felt so exhausted and out of it I barely spoke to him. I felt bad for not sharing with him, I could tell how worried he was and it was killing me to see him struggling to come to terms with what had happened despite not knowing any details. I did mention to him the medication and he didn’t seem to pleased about it, saying something like he had been on something similar before and they had made him feel worse. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear but I get that he was just being protective. I could tell that he was also worried about me slipping into an episode, not that he knew what signs to look out for. He didn’t stay that night either, I think he knew I only wanted to rest and him being there was a distraction, so he left a little after midnight and I fell into the deepest sleep I had been able to have for a while.
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