“I want to stay with Ez.” I don’t know when I decided that was what I wanted to do, but I was glad that it came out organically.
“Are you sure?” dad asked and I nodded.
“I’m in love with him. If I leave then I will feel worse. I
feel like…he is the one that my mind goes to when I need to feel safe and grounded. Please. Don’t let me lose that.”
“You don’t have to. If you want to stay and be with him then that’s okay. He’s assured me that he will look after you. I believe him too.” I was so pleased that dad seemed to like Ezra, liked him enough to trust him with me as well.
“Thank you.”
“I will help pay for the apartment until you find your feet again okay?” he smiled, “I don’t want you worrying about anything.”
“You don’t have to do that dad.”
“No? You going to go out and get a job while you feel like this?”
“No…”
“Then let me help you. I want to. That’s what dad’s are for.”
MOVING
I was amazed that my family stayed for a whole two weeks to help me with my recovery. Each day felt easier having them there and I could tell that they were all doing their best to be positive around me and I think some of that was rubbing off on my mood. That and the medication. Apparently the diazepam should not be taken for longer than four weeks, but there was no way I was going to be giving it up anytime soon. I had grown to like how empty I felt, how I didn’t have to really deal with what was going on in my head anymore because they made everything calm again. Ezra had breakfast and dinner with us every day before and after working, which was nice but I felt like he was being forced to be part of the family in an unnatural way. Monsieur Bardet also moped about the house and didn’t speak to any of us, which was also unnatural but I actually enjoyed not hearing his low droning voice. As far as I was aware, dad had been speaking with the college about Henry. He appeared to have kept his promise and hadn’t told anyone else about Henry though, and I was pleased that he hadn’t. I had no idea what the outcome for him would be at college, but I felt a little bit of justice knowing that he wasn’t going to get away with what he did to me. I was still scared though. Scared that he must now know I told someone about what happened, and that meant he might be wanting to take out his anger on me or Ezra. I felt like I should warn Ez, to tell him to just be careful when he went out, but something told me that Henry wouldn’t actually dare go near him.
Daniel helped me take my belongings to the apartment and when he stepped inside he gave a slight laugh.
“You are not going to fit all of your shit in here,” he smirked and placed a couple of boxes down. “Like, only these boxes, I’m taking the rest back to Hildie’s, I’m not even joking.”
“You’re right,” I grinned. “Honestly, my most important things are in these boxes anyway. The rest is just art stuff that can go into storage.”
“You’re not going to give up drawing though are you?” Daniel asked and went to the window to check out the view.
“I don’t know. It’s not something I feel inspired to do right now.”
“I understand.”
“What about you? Do you feel inspired to tell me about the proposal to Carrie?”
“Ugh, do we have to talk about that?” He grimaced and I leaned against the wall and sighed.
“Yeah, I would like to know.”
“I proposed. She said no. Not yet. It sucks but she said she is just not ready yet and to wait until she asks me.”
“Well. That’s not a bad thing. You’re still together, right? Just give her time.”
“Did Ezra give you time?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t think I haven’t noticed that ring on your finger,” he smiled, “don’t you have an announcement to make?”
“Oh…” I looked down at the ring on my finger and laughed. “No, we aren’t engaged. It is a promise ring though so I guess the intention is there.”
“I don’t know why but he thinks the world of you, you know?” he chuckled.
“You don’t know why?”
“You are incredibly annoying. But of course, I am speaking as a brother.”
“You’re such a dick.” I shook my head with a grin and got to unpacking the boxes that we had brought up and Daniel began to help me.
“I thought that you were coming off of these?” he asked after a while and held up my box of medication which I quickly took off of him.
“No. Not yet. I need to stabilise a bit more and keep taking it with my lithium,” I said dismissively and took them into the bathroom and stowed them away in the cabinet. I ignored Daniel’s judgmental look when I came back out and I was lucky that was when Ezra let himself in. He was covered in grass stains and his hair even had mud in. It looked like he had just been rolling around in the grass all afternoon, though I was sure Andre would never allow that.
“Hey love,” he said to me and kissed me on the lips with a wide smile.
“Good day?” I asked and he nodded enthusiastically.
“Yeah we cut down all that really long grass right towards the back walls, it looks so much better now.” He gave Daniel a nod to greet him and Daniel nodded back.
“I will leave you two to enjoy your evening,” Daniel said and he gave me a light hug.
“Thanks for your help today Dan,” I said and Daniel grinned at me.
“I will take the rest of the stuff back,” he winked, “see you guys later.” I looked at Ezra when it was just me and him in the room and took a deep breath.
“So…I guess I have moved in now?” I said and before I knew it Ezra had taken me in his arms. He was still careful not to hold me too tightly so he didn’t hurt me, but it was the best embrace I had received from him in weeks.
“I was so scared I was losing you,” he whispered to me and it only then dawned on me just how scary this must have been for him.
“You were never going to lose me.” It felt surreal just how strong our connection was. I had never believed in soul mates before, but being with him I now truly believed that he was mine.
“You felt so distant,” he said as he pulled away, “so vacant. I wanted to hear your voice, your laugh, see that smile of yours. But at the same time I knew I couldn’t push for any of that.”
“I’m here now,” I said and meant it, I didn’t wanted to fall into whatever hole I was in only a week or so ago.
“I love you.” The words still felt so new coming out of his mouth but they wrapped around me and made me feel warm.
“I love you too. More than you could ever know.”
A whole month passed like lightening. My days were filled with books, tonnes of them that Ezra brought me every day to read while he worked. The evenings and weekends were then consumed by Ezra. I couldn’t get enough of him, his voice, movements, his skin against mine. When we made love I was able to actually feel something again, feelings that I wanted to feel rather than be afraid of. I felt like he knew my body better than I did, knew all those spots that would make me weak. The tablets were there for when Ezra wasn’t and I had taken to hiding them in one of my art folders just in case Ez started to question why I was still taking them. For now, the doctor seemed happy to keep providing them and our landlady was happy to go pick them up for me. Since getting to the apartment I hadn’t left it. My family had come here to say goodbye and Hildie had visited a few times when she realised that I wasn’t going to be making the trip to go and see her. Everything behind the door was unsafe. If I stayed in our space, our safe happy space, nothing bad would happen. I was fine with shutting the world out and as far as I could tell the world didn’t seem to be missing me. Ezra had asked a few times if I wanted to go out for food or a drink, even a walk. But each time he offered I found a way to avoid it, usually by kissing him until he stopped asking and then took him to bed.
We didn’t have a phone in the apartment, which suited me just fine, so I took to writing l
etters. It was therapeutic and it made me sad that it was so much easier to send an email but that took away all of the excitement of receiving a real letter in the post. Ezra sent them for me, or at least he said he was sending them, I had just to receive a reply from my family. The person I wrote to the most though was Henry. These letters were not passed onto Ezra to send, but simply folded up and also put in my art folder which was now only acting as a hiding place. The letters were all mainly the same, starting off with asking where he was, what he was doing, if he was okay. Then I would ask why. Why had he done this to me? Did he realise that in his attack he took away all of my confidence, made me a shell with nothing inside worth talking about anymore? Then, why had he kissed me? Was that an admission of his desires or just a way to show his dominance - I guessed I would never know. Even if I wanted to send the letters I had no idea where to send them to and I wouldn’t be giving him my address to get a reply. I had to live with answers that I could give myself. I hoped that it was just a spur of the moment thing, that he had anger built up from something else and I had been an easy target. I wanted to believe that he was a good person and I really was a friend to him.
I wasn’t ever really a friend to Henry though. Not in the way that you would think of a friend and feel this fondness towards them. I was simply an accessory, to be used when he needed and dropped when something or someone better came along. I wondered if he ever thought about me, about what he did, if he had done something like that to someone before. It was the kiss that threw me. That aggressive way he had slammed his mouth against mine - it could have been desperation. Part of me actually felt sorry for him that maybe he was fighting some internal battle about who he was and what he wanted. The other part of me just wanted him to suffer. If he was conflicted he needed to find a different outlet and fast. I dreaded to think of what he might do to someone else, and that was why I was glad that I had told my dad about him. I knew I couldn’t live with myself if someone else got hurt because I hadn’t said anything. Summer was nearly over now though, which meant that if he hadn’t been kicked out of college when my dad reported what happened, he would definitely be back home by now. All the way in America and far away from me.
WATERCOLOUR
“Happy Birthday.” I woke to the sound of Ezra’s voice and groaned. It was still dark which meant that the sun wasn’t up and it must have been early. We had still not put any curtains up at the windows so we usually woke when the sun streamed into the room.
“Shh. I’m asleep,” I groaned and tried to pull the pillow over my head but Ezra stopped me. “Ez, it is too early,” I protested and Ezra laughed.
“It’s four thirty three to be exact.”
“What the hell are you waking me up for then?” I whined.
“Your dad said you were born at four thirty three in the morning, and it was a tradition back home to wake you up at that time and wish you happy birthday,” Ezra explained and I couldn’t believe my dad had told him about that tradition. I hated it.
“Well, thanks for your wishes, can I go back to sleep now?”
“Yes,” Ezra chuckled then kissed my pouting lips. “When you wake up I’m going to make you breakfast,” he said and I gave a sleepy smile then closed my eyes again. When I woke the second time the sun was shining through the window and I could smell something cooking from below me in the kitchen. I shuffled to the edge of the bed and climbed down the ladder to see Ezra cooking bacon on the grill. It smelt amazing and I was a little surprised that he hadn’t yet burnt it.
“Smells good,” I said and went up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder blade.
“I got some fresh bread and real butter as well to make the best bacon sandwiches ever,” he hummed and I moved round to his side so I could kiss his cheek.
“You know, I had actually forgotten that it was my birthday today.”
“I guessed you might,” he said and took his eyes off of what he was doing to look at me.
“I’ve had a lot on my mind.”
“I know you have. But that’s why I wanted to make it a good one for you.”
“Do I have a cake?” I smirked and Ezra laughed.
“You might do,” he grinned and I took that as a yes. “I have also made reservations for dinner as your aunt wanted to see you.” I stepped away from him then, I could appreciate the sentiment behind it but I couldn’t think of anything worse.
“Right,” I said a little bluntly and moved round to sit on the sofa. “I don’t know if I am really in the mood for going out though.” I started to pick at the woven material on the sofa’s arms, pulling at a few strands that had started to become worn away.
“But it is your birthday,” he said as he took the bacon off of the grill and started to make up the sandwiches. “It’s a special occasion, I want to treat you to dinner.”
“Well. I don’t want to go out for dinner. Hildie can come here if she wants to see me.”
“You’ve not been outside in over a month now Charlie,” he said, his voice sounding a bit annoyed and I hadn’t heard him sound like that in a long time.
“I don’t see why that is a problem.”
“Isolating yourself isn’t the answer. It can’t be much fun for you in here alone all day. You can only read so much before you really start to get stir crazy.”
“But I like being in here.” I watched as he plated up what he had made and came to sit beside me and handed me a plate of my own. I looked down at the sandwich and had to admit that it smelled amazing, but I had suddenly lost my appetite.
“Well. I’m not going to force you to do anything,” he shrugged and took a bite of his food. “It is a shame though.”
“We can still have cake here can’t we?”
“Your aunt was going to take the cake to the restaurant,” he frowned and didn’t look at me as we continued to eat.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No. I’m just worried about you.”
“Why? Because I don’t want to go to a restaurant?”
“No. Because you are afraid to go outside.” He looked at my plate then and raised an eyebrow. “Let me guess, you’re not going to eat that?”
“Lost my appetite.”
“Charlie, you know I can’t remember the last time that I saw you eat a proper meal?” he sighed again, “you are losing weight, I can’t stand to see you do this to yourself.” I found myself glaring at him as he spoke. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. I had found a way to get by for the time being but even that was wrong.
“It’s my birthday,” I said, “you are meant to be nice to me.”
“I am being nice to you Charlie!” he exclaimed, “I love you. I love you so much and it just seems that you are destroying yourself in here.”
“I guess the honeymoon period is over for us then?” I said bitterly and handed my plate to him. “I’m going back to bed.”
“Charlie. Don’t be like that.” His shoulders slumped heavily and he watched as I started to climb back up the ladder. “Please, please…” I didn’t look back down at him, not wanting to see his face which I knew would make me crumble. It was bad enough hearing him plead with me to speak to him without seeing his face as well.
I got out of bed a few hours later to find that Ezra was not in the apartment. I took my medication and helped myself to a couple of biscuits before sitting back on the sofa. There was a present placed on the cushion and a handwritten note from Ezra. I read the note first, he had gone to my aunt’s to get my cake and would be back around three, and he asked me to open the present. I looked at the package that had been wrapped in brown paper and bound together with string. I pulled the bow of the string and it curled off the package into my hand which then allowed me to unwrap the paper. Inside was a brand new sketch book and a box of water colours, complete with brush. I opened the sketch book and let my fingers feel the paper. It was thick and a little bumpy, just the kind of book I would have chosen if I was buying it myself.
The water colours were in a silver tin and the array of colours that met me when I opened it was beautiful, and a reminder of what I had been missing. Nothing that I had in my hands could have been cheap and I felt bad that Ezra probably saved up to buy them for me. He didn’t deserve me acting like a dick towards him. No. He deserved the world and right now I was giving him the equivalent of a dry patch of dirt. It didn’t mean that I was going to be wanting to go out for dinner any time soon, but I knew that I had to be nicer. He was everything I could have ever wanted and if I kept acting the way I was I knew I would only push him away. Losing Ezra was something that terrified me more than going outside.
Ezra returned at three just like he had said he would and by that time I had set myself up at the desk and had started a painting of the rooftops that we looked out over. I was lucky that the buildings were bathed in rich colours of orange, red and yellow and they had allowed me to create a rather pleasing image in my sketch book. Ezra came over and leaned over my shoulder to see what I was doing then kissed the top of my head.
“That’s beautiful,” he commented, “you like your present?”
“I love it Ez, seriously,” I said and put the brush down so I could stand up and face him. He looked tired and I realised that I hadn’t really studied him recently like I used to. He looked a bit older, but that might have been the tan that now sat on his skin. His cheeks did seem a bit more hollow though and I wondered if he had been eating properly - or if him worrying about my eating habits had made him neglect his own.
“I had to go to the town over from here to get the paints,” he said, “the ones in the shop here looked a bit rubbish. Not that I am an expert or anything.”
“Thank you so much.” I felt overwhelmed by just how amazing he was. “The paints are perfect. The book is perfect, it is all perfect…I’m sorry I was such an idiot earlier.”
“It’s okay. I want you to do what you are comfortable with. I just don’t want to be neglectful either.”
Roots Before Branches Page 13