“It does. I’m taking you to the airport this afternoon.” He looked distraught as he spoke and rubbed his hands over his face.
“What?”
“Your Dad is meeting you there.”
“In France?” I asked and Ezra nodded. “Dad is here?”
“He got here this morning,” he confirmed.
“And what if I refuse to go?”
“Please don’t do that Charlie. I can’t let you stay here and see you get worse.” I looked at him, at a complete loss of words and let my hands fall to my sides.
“I better pack my things then.”
“I already have.” I let out a bitter laugh as I looked at him, unable to see the good that he was doing because it all felt like this was being conspired behind my back and I had lost all of my independence.
“Wow. Okay. You’re really wanting me out of here aren’t you?”
“Charlie…” he frowned and turned away to show that he had placed my bag down the side of the sofa. I can’t believe that I hadn’t noticed it before. “Don’t be like that.”
“It’s over then. I guess this is an easy out for you isn’t it?” I accused him and grabbed the bag. “I can get to the airport without you.”
“Charlie. No. It’s not over. I don’t need an ‘out’ don’t be this way, please.” He reached for my hand but I didn’t let him near me.
“I thought you loved me,” I said and my voice was trembling more than ever and I felt like an idiot in front of him, much like I had those first few weeks he started working for aunt Hildie.
“I do love you!” He was desperate now, his hands out in front of him, silently begging me to let him touch me.
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t be sending me back to England. You would let me stay here with you.”
“It is because I love you that I am doing this. Can’t you see how this is killing me Charlie?! I want you to get better. I want you to come back and be the happy, funny person that I met when I first got here.” I shook my head as the words spilled out of his mouth, I knew that what he was saying was true. I knew that I was being entirely unreasonable and couldn’t see past my own selfish thoughts. I also couldn’t stop myself either.
“I’m leaving.” I turned from him and waited to hear him move after me, but he didn’t.
“Please, call me when you get there.”
“Okay.” I walked out then and didn’t look back, and I wish I had. I wish I had of looked at him and just stopped being a complete idiot and hugged him, told him that I understood and I would be back as soon as I was better. But I didn’t. I walked out on him and didn’t even say goodbye. It kills me now to even think of it, of how cruel I was. I was too consumed by my own anger and self importance to think about him. He didn’t deserve that.
ENGLAND
When I saw dad at the airport I didn’t speak to him. He tried to start conversation with me numerous times but each time he failed in getting anything out of me. It was going to be a long trip to Paris then back to England, but I was prepared to spend every second in silence. Apparently dad was okay with that too as he kept his nose in a book the whole way to Paris. I thought we would be flying back from there but we were getting the Eurostar which he knew made me feel nauseous at the best of times, but apparently it got us back to London quicker than waiting for a flight. My mind kept going to Ezra and I wondered if he was okay. I wanted him to be there with me, but after the way I left things I wasn’t sure if he would even accept a call from me. I would have to talk to him through my aunt of course, but I could always try calling when I knew he was working, he could hardly ignore me if I specifically asked her to get him for me. On the Eurostar dad handed me some paperwork about the rehab centre that I would be going to. Pinebrook Recovery. The description made it sound like a spa retreat, and if it didn’t have recovery in the name I would have believed that maybe dad had booked me into the wrong place. One thing that pleased me was that there was visiting times for friends and family, which meant that if I was there a while maybe Ezra would be able to come and visit. I didn’t plan on staying long though so hopefully it wouldn’t get to that.
When it was announced that we were arriving into London dad got up and got my bag from the overhead storage for me.
“Joe is meeting us here in the car. We are going to take you straight to the rehab centre,” he told me and a woman who was sitting opposite us raised her eyebrows.
“What do you look so shocked about?” I asked her, “something to say?” She shook her head and put her attention back to her phone and dad frowned at me and shrugged his shoulders. I felt the tension in the car as we drove, I managed to make some small talk with Joe about her pregnancy, even threw in some lines about being excited to welcome a little brother or sister into the world, but after that none of us had much to say. I did ask if the place would be open at that time of night and I was informed that it was open twenty four hours to allow admission at any time. I did wish we could have gone home that night and I could have put my best act on in the morning to show that I didn’t need rehab. Dad knew me too well though and clearly knew I would attempt something like that. Which is why they were admitting me in the middle of the night. The reason that he had given me the paperwork on the train though was because I actually needed to admit myself, I was no longer a minor which meant that I really could just walk away from the whole thing. Deep down I knew it was what I should be doing, which is why I didn’t make any protests on the way there. The whole process was so weirdly simple when we got there as well. I figured that my dad had given them most of the information that they needed, all they had missing was me and my signature. When dad and Joe said goodbye I finally hugged him and he held me tightly and I could tell that he didn’t know what to say to me.
“It’s okay dad,” I said quietly to him, “look after Joe. I will be able to see you in a few days yeah?” I put on a cheery smile, like he wasn’t actually leaving me behind at rehab and he gave a nod.
“Keep safe Kid.” He cupped my cheek as he looked at me and gave a sad smile.
“Dad?” I asked “Do you think I am going to be like mum?”
“No. Charlie,” he said and I saw the sadness creep over his face as he looked at me.
“I feel like I’m losing everything right now.” The smile I had plastered onto my face had faded as I spoke.
“You are not though. You are going to gain your health back. I promise.”
“Okay. I love you dad.”
“I love you too Kiddo.” I should have asked him to call Ezra for me, to tell him that I was there safe and that I was sorry. That I loved him. But the words didn’t come out and I was escorted away from them in silence.
In so many ways I felt like I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t high risk, I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t a hard drug user. But I was an addict. That was my label and I felt like that was all I was there. Addict. Addict. Addict. Once the detox was over it was then all about learning to overcome what had happened, applying it to everyday life and being able to move on.
Group sessions were the worse. I sometimes felt that it would be easier to just throw myself out of a window than to ever have to listen to those people tell me about their problems over and over again. It was like I didn’t understand empathy anymore, couldn’t get my head around the concept of other people’s problems and feelings. I expressed my thoughts of finding a nice open window to jump out of to my counsellor once and that led them to finding out I had been stashing my lithium medication. They took me admitting suicidal thoughts as a reason to search my room for anything that I could harm myself with, and they hit the jackpot. I can’t even explain why I did it now. I knew it wouldn’t help me in anyway, but not taking it felt like something I was taking control of when I couldn’t control anything else. I then couldn’t be trusted with taking my medication without supervision which I thought was a bit of an oversight on their part anyway. Why let addicts take medication alone? From then on I had to swallow in front of a nurs
e, open my mouth to show her it was gone and then she sat with me for several minutes after that to just observe me. I’ve never felt so angry in my life.
Soon that anger subsided, and I just felt exhausted. I no longer felt empty though and those open window thoughts had gone. I started to talk more to others in group settings when I was made to go and then I slept the rest of the time. Eventually my energy started to pick up again, thanks to that good old lithium settling in, and I would like to think I became a bit of a star patient. I opened up to my counsellor about everything. All the details about what happened with Henry came spilling out and not once did I ever feel judged or frowned upon for the way I handled it. I spoke about Ezra too. Those conversations were different. I missed him. I couldn’t remember what his voice sounded like even though it really hadn’t been that long. I could just about recall his smell that had used to cling to my skin, to my clothes, the bed sheets. I wanted to lift up my pillow and smell him, but in the centre all I could smell was pristine washing powder and what I can only describe as a stiff starchy smell. I knew, from the moment his voice left my mind, that I wouldn’t be going back to him. It all felt too much, and I didn’t think I could fit him back into my head. Details were starting to fade and I think I was deliberately forgetting them. I couldn’t allow myself to have Ezra because I could never better myself to be good enough for him.
MEN
London never slept. The city was full of life and bright lights at any hour of the day and it used to intimidate me when I was younger, but now I thrived off of it. I loved how cramped the tube always seemed to be, how people jostled and stood abnormally close to each other just to fill the last space in the carriage. I liked that it was almost impossible to walk in some areas when it rained because the sea of umbrellas created an unusual barrier that you couldn’t pass through. I especially loved the summer, how muggy it would become and the air became stale - to many it was unbearable but it gave me such a feeling of joy that it was finally summer again that I embraced every second of it. Opposite my office there was a large pond situated in the middle of some green space and at certain times of the day the sun reflected off of it and shined right up to hit against my glasses. No matter how annoying it was I never pulled down the blinds to stop it, I simply looked out and watched how the sun moved across the surface of the water. I would sometimes find myself looking out at it for ages, letting the time pass me by without a care in the world. I was lucky that my boss enjoyed moments like that though, she would also embrace little flickers of light that only appeared at certain times of the day. She was a ray of sunshine herself, bursting into my office at random times of the day with a coffee or some kind of sweet snack. She would perch herself on the edge of my desk while she ate and talked about whatever cute guy she had seen while she had gone out to get the food. Her name was Summer and it honestly couldn’t have suited her more. Her hair was a bright auburn and eyes a clear blue, but despite her beautiful appearance she had a terrible track record with dating. I had spent afternoons talking to her when I should have been designing talking about what horrible date she had been on that weekend. I loved hearing her stories, and she was more than happy to keep telling me them.
Friday nights the whole office went for drinks at the bar that was just down the road from us. When I say the whole office, I mean me, Summer and Bridie as we were the only ones who worked there. I enjoyed being part of such a small team because I found that people were too complex and I could only handle so many relationships at once. Both girls were incredibly easy to be around, and Friday nights were the highlight of my week. We would all say that we would only have one drink but we all knew that actually meant four bottles of wine between us and a kebab on our way home. We would all complain about clients that we had, how our designs were perfect and that our clients didn’t understand how good our work really was. I would listen to Bridie and Summer complain about men and they would then try and get information out of me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell them anything, I just had nothing to tell, not that they believed me when I said that. We would occasionally head to the karaoke place after the bar and all sing out hearts out despite none of us being able to carry a tune. It would end up with Summer always coming back to my place to sleep, her house mates didn’t enjoy her going home drunk and making a noise, so we annoyed my house mate instead. My house mate, Simon, worked for a theatre company and spent most of his days in rehearsals or shows and wasn’t usually home when we stumbled in. When he was he would roll his eyes at me and close his bedroom door and me and Summer would scribble out an apology note and slide it under his door - giggling the whole time. I don’t think he minded really as he would always write a note back in the morning telling us it was okay.
Summer often asked if there was something going on with me and Simon even though the answer was always no. There had been one time when I had seen him out when I was already hammered and we had gone home together and instead of going to our separate rooms we had both gone into his and had sex. We had an awkward talk about it the next morning, and decided that it was a mistake and it was best to never talk about it again. And there might have been one more time after that when it was raining horrendously and neither of us wanted to go out and do our plans so we had sex on the sofa instead. We didn’t talk about that either. In fact, Simon now had a boyfriend, a handsome older man who owned a rather swanky Italian restaurant. He wasn’t Italian though so if anything he was a bit of a fraud. I kept that thought to myself though and was always nice as pie whenever he came over. I did worry that one day Simon would announce he was moving out to live with him, but so far, no news was good news to me. I did figure that Summer could always move in if that did happen, but then she was such a horrendously untidy person I didn’t know if I could live with her while remaining sane.
On Sunday afternoons I would go to dad’s for dinner. Him and Joe had moved to London permanently a couple of years ago and it was nice having them so close, especially as it meant I could see my little sister more than I used to be able to. She was premature when she was born and spent weeks in hospital before dad and Joe could take her home. Dad didn’t come to see me much when that was happening and I think he felt guilty that I was in rehab and he couldn’t be there for me, even though I had assured him that being with his baby girl was far more important. They called her Lavender, a reminder of the beautiful fields in Suffolk, and she was even more beautiful than those fields. It was hard to believe that she was nine years old now and it made me feel old even though I still hadn’t turned thirty. I think it made Daniel feel older though. Carrie and Daniel also had a daughter, Sian, who was the same age as Lavender, but Lavender was her aunt, which I still find a little weird to this day. Daniel didn’t take to being a father particularly well, the sleepless nights and constant worry really got to him, but luckily Carrie was a natural mother and guided him through the whole process.
“When are you going to get married Charlie?” Lavender asked as she stuffed a piece of potato into her mouth.
“I don’t know Lav, when are you going to get married?” I grinned at her and she flicked her brown hair over her shoulder dismissively.
“I’m not going to get married until I have a good job,” she said and Joe laughed at her.
“What job you going to have sweetie?” she smiled and Lavender rolled her eyes at her.
“I’ve already told you Mum. I’m going to be the editor of one of the fashion magazines.” Lavender tutted and Joe gave me a grin.
“You will be the best editor, I know it,” I smiled, “and good for you, you don’t need to get married until you are ready. But does that rule not apply to me too?”
“I just want to be a bridesmaid,” she huffed.
“Sorry Lav, need a boyfriend first before I can get married.”
“You have a wedding ring on though.” She pouted and I glanced at the sliver ring that was on my finger even after all these years.
“Yeah, but it isn’t a wedding ring,
” I told her and dad then started to talk about work, knowing that I wasn’t okay with reopening those old wounds around the dinner table. We always had a call from Daniel right before we were about to eat dessert, and would sometimes deliberately delay eating it in case he called, but even then, as soon as we were about to take a bite the phone would ring and we would always comment about his terrible timing.
“Hello Daniel.” Lavender answered the phone with her usual sassiness and rolled her eyes at the inconvenience. She spoke to him for a while before passing the phone to dad, who passed it to Joe who then passed it to me.
“Hey Dan,” I said warmly and I could hear him talking to Carrie before bringing his attention back to the phone and me.
“Baby bro!” he said happily and I smiled to myself. “So, my devil child decided today that her new thing was cutting up the curtains.”
“Oh?” I chucked and couldn’t believe the difference between Lavender and Sian. “Maybe she wants to be a designer?”
“No, she wants to drive me crazy,” he groaned and I could hear Carrie talking again in the background.
“Carrie okay?”
“She’s mad. Apparently I was too hard on Sian, but she was cutting up the curtains for God’s sake. She reminds me of you when you were her age.”
“Me?! I never cut up the curtains,” I protested and I heard dad make a scoffing sound behind me.
“You flushed dad’s wallet down the toilet.”
“Well, you used to grab my feet in the middle of the night to scare me and it stopped me breathing.”
“Oh yeah!” he laughed, “I totally forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me.”
“You’re welcome,” I sighed, “anyway, how’s things other than Sian being a pain?”
“Good, okay, same old same old,” Daniel said with a deep breath, “and with you?”
“Fine. Been a bit bogged down with new client designs at work but other than that it is all good.”
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