“No,” she interrupted him. “Look at me,” Odessa demanded. Slowly, he turned his head to meet her gaze. “I love you, and there isn’t anything you have to say that will change that.”
He swallowed hard. “It’s not that simple.” God, how he wished it was. “Do you know what happened to my parents?”
Gavin never talked about them. It hurt too much to bring up the past. Their deaths haunted him and had driven him down the path he was on. It wasn’t until his father passed away that he learned about the family curse. His foolish parent had hoped to spare him the knowledge. In some twisted way, he’d believed he was doing Gavin a favor by keeping him in the dark. As if he could avoid the curse by ignorance. Fate wouldn’t be denied though. He’d found his father’s journals and the truth of it was hard to ignore.
“No,” she finally said. “Do you want to tell me?”
He wanted to forget about it all and pray he’d find true happiness with Odessa, but he couldn’t do that. It was time to face it all and stop pretending none of it had happened. Perhaps if she heard all the gory details, she’d finally understand why he’d kept her at a distance for so long. Instead of outright answering her question, he launched into the tale. “My father met my mother by chance,” he began. “It was love at first sight. That happens in my family more often than not. We immediately know the person we’re supposed to be with. It’s both wonderful and devastating.”
He’d always been aware Odessa was his one true love. All right, perhaps he hadn’t realized it the first time he met her. She had been a child, and he was not much older when they’d been introduced. It hadn’t been a smack in the face moment, more a gradual awakening. Over time, he started to see her differently, and it hadn’t taken long for him to realize she was the only person he could ever love. He’d started to put some distance between them the moment it had dawned on him.
Most thought he had pushed her away because he no longer wished to be treated as a child, and while their age difference wasn’t large, it was enough to convince those around them. It helped that he had more responsibilities than most men his age. Gavin had divulged his secrets to Killian long ago, and his friend noticed more than anyone else. It had been his friend who pointed out that avoiding Odessa wasn’t going to solve his problem.
If only he’d listened to Killian before this, he might not be stuck in this cabin with her. This should have been solved years ago, but he thought he knew best. He’d been a fool, and unfortunately there was no turning back now. He had to explain it all to her, as he should have when he realized she wouldn’t let go.
“How can it be both?” she asked. “Love is something to be celebrated.”
In most cases, he’d probably agree with her. She didn’t have all the information yet. Once she did, she’d understand why finding his true love had disturbed his peace of mind. “My mother was French,” he continued. “He met her on his world tour or something. I’m not entirely sure what he was doing there. He never said and I didn’t ask.” Gavin waved his hand. “None of that matters; I’m delaying the inevitable.”
“I’m listening whenever you’re ready to finish the story,” she said quietly. “So far, I’ve heard nothing discouraging.”
She was so hopeful. He wanted to kiss her and make her forget everything. If he was a weaker man he’d do that. She deserved a choice and even if it killed him he’d make sure she had one.
“My parents married immediately,” he said quietly. “They were blissfully happy without a care in the world. Things changed after I was born.”
He didn’t say anything after that. This was when things got difficult for him. Most of his knowledge came from his father’s journals, but some came from the servants. Odessa remained quiet while he gathered the strength to continue. Gavin took a deep breath and then said, “My mother fell into a deep despair,” he paused. “I was a baby, so of course I have no memory of this. The servants have told me she wouldn’t hold me or even look at me. She would start crying for no reason. My father tried to console her and urge her to form a bond with her son, but it fell on deaf ears.”
“That’s so sad,” Odessa said. “She must have been hurting to do something so terrible to you and to herself.”
Gavin hadn’t even told her the worst part yet. Odessa had a big heart and didn’t condemn his mother for her actions. Others might not be so generous. Society didn’t hold it against a woman who wasn’t motherly. That was what nursemaids were for. But his mother had done something far worse than abandon him.
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he said quietly. “My mother tried to drown me. If my father hadn’t walked in on her, I might not be here.”
Odessa gasped. “That’s...” She opened and closed her mouth several times. “I’m so sorry,” she finally said. “You can’t blame yourself for that.”
He shook his head. No, he didn’t take on his mother’s guilt. He had enough of his own to carry. His mother was responsible for her own actions. As much as he would have liked to help her, it was out of his hands. Something had snapped inside of her, and she’d become unreachable.
“Not long after that she took her own life,” he said without an ounce of emotion. “She threw herself out of the highest window at the manor. That didn’t kill her right away. It took a week for her to succumb to her injuries. No one knows what drove her to do it, and I’m not sure many cared after she tried to murder me.”
He cared though. His mother had lost her mind, and the curse had destroyed her. If she’d married another man, perhaps she’d have had a chance to be happy. That was what his father believed, and Gavin couldn’t help wondering if that was true. It was the reason he kept pushing Odessa away. He loved her enough to walk away. If she could find true happiness with someone else and live a long life, didn’t he owe that to her?
“Your mother was clearly sick,” Odessa said consolingly. “I’m sure if she was in her right mind none of that would have happened.”
He shook his head. “My family is cursed. My father wrote about it in his journal.”
“That’s ridiculous,” she said. “Curses aren’t real.”
She wasn’t understanding him at all. Odessa heard what she wanted to and brushed it all away without thinking it through. How could he make her understand it wasn’t as preposterous as she thought? A mother didn’t try to kill her child. Perhaps his mother had been sick, but from all accounts, she hadn’t been before his birth. Something in his family line wasn’t right, and they were all doomed to lose the person they loved most. Why would he be any different?
“You’re wrong,” he said fervently. He stood and started to pace around the room. Frustration flowed through him and he had a hard time restraining it. He stopped and faced her and then attempted to explain it to her once again. “I researched it after I read the journal. I thought perhaps my father was sick with grief, but that wasn’t it.” He shook his head, despondency overcoming him for a moment before he continued, “For five generations the men in my family have fallen in love and something tragically befalls their wife. It’s all different, but the end result is the same.”
He didn’t want to finish it. The details of what happened to all the previous earls were hard to swallow. He’d laid it all out for her with one thing left out. The women all met an untimely death, but the men—they had to live without them. They had sons to raise and grief to overcome. Most of them managed it somehow, but not for long.
“It has to be a coincidence,” she said. “I refuse to believe in the power of a curse. Maybe if you didn’t believe so fanatically in it, then you would have a real chance at happiness.”
“I wish that were true,” he replied sadly, sitting down by her side once again. He cupped her cheek and said forlornly, “I can say one thing. If I lost you, I wouldn’t be able to live through it. I’m not as strong as you think I am. I am my father’s son. He managed to hang on until my fifth birthday and then took his own life. He missed my mother too much to continue without her.” G
avin caressed her hair. “I wouldn’t be able to live a second without you. I love you too much.”
“You don’t have to,” Odessa insisted. “We can have it all. There’s no reason to think you might lose me. I’m not going anywhere.”
Gavin stood and walked across the room. How could she have listened to all of that and still believe they stood a chance. The curse would find a way to tear them apart. As much as he wanted to hold on to her, he couldn’t do it. It was better for her if he walked away now before it was too late. He looked out the window and found the sun shining brightly on the horizon. The snow had finally stopped.
“Gavin,” she said. “Did you hear me?”
Yeah, he’d heard everything she’d said. “We need to get dressed. I have to see you home.” He was done talking. The discussion had wiped him out and he was devoid of emotion. He’d never been so exhausted in his life. Spilling all his darkest fears had emptied him, and a part of him almost seemed lighter. Maybe there was something to always speaking the truth. He’d have to learn not to carry so much around inside of him in the future. He stared at her absentmindedly.
“No,” she shouted. Odessa stood and stomped her foot like a child throwing a tantrum. “I’m not going anywhere until you listen to what I have to say.”
Her demands brought his attention back to her. His heart shredded inside of his chest. For the rest of his life he would love this woman. He’d done her a great disservice by making love to her when he didn’t have the right to. She deserved far better than anything he could ever offer her. If he were a different man... He shook his head. There was no use wishing for something that would never be true. As long as he lived, he would be the Earl of Havenwood, and nothing would change that. With that title, and his family curse, he would never find true happiness.
“There’s nothing else to talk about,” he said. “You know all my deepest, darkest secrets.”
“Ohhh,” she yelled. “You’re the most stubborn, absurd male I’ve ever met. That’s saying a lot considering who my brother is.”
He almost smiled at that little outburst, but held it in. If he gave into it she’d take it as encouragement. Instead, he walked over to where their clothes were drying and picked up his pants, then headed to the cot. He retrieved the rest of his clothing and dressed quickly.
“You’re going to ignore me?” she said, coming up next to him. She tugged on her shift, finally covering her beautiful, naked body. “Like what I think doesn’t matter at all?”
Gavin tucked in his shirt and then turned to face her. He still had to pull on his boots, but that wouldn’t take too long. “Put your dress on and quit wasting time. Killian is probably worried sick about you. We need to let him know you’re all right.”
“Killian can wait,” she insisted. “This can’t”
“There is nothing else to talk about,” he said sadly. “I can’t marry you, and I’m sorry if you thought all of this would change things.” It pained him to say those words to her. He hated to hurt her. As long as she was safe though, he could endure her hatred.
“Do you think that will keep me safe?”
Her words stopped him short. “Why wouldn’t it?”
Every single one of the Havenwood earls had lost their wives. If Gavin didn’t marry Odessa, she’d be safe. He wanted to claim her in the worst way, but wouldn’t. Not if it meant she’d end up dying.
“What if I’m already carrying your child?”
His heart froze in his chest. He cursed under his breath. If she was pregnant, he owed it to her to give her his name. She shouldn’t bear the stigma of giving birth to a bastard. He was torn about what to do.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. Why hadn’t he been strong enough to keep his hands off of her? He wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. This should have been a perfect moment, and it was far from it. He would have to do the one thing that terrified him. He closed his eyes and fought for control. When he opened them, he turned to her and ordered, “Put your dress on, now.”
He pushed past her and slipped on his boots so he could check on the horses. They would need their mounts to carry them to the nearest Scottish town. Odessa was going to get her wish and become the Countess of Havenwood. He prayed it was the right decision for them both.
Chapter Seven
Gavin remained silent the entire way back to Kingsbridge. He insisted they go there instead of Havenwood after their hasty elopement. Being so close to the Scottish border made it easier for them to wed. No need to have bans read when they could take an hour ride and say their vows—Odessa was disgusted.
She should be happy, but she wasn’t. How could she take joy in something Gavin found so distasteful? She almost said no and took off home. If he didn’t want to marry her, she shouldn’t force him to. Her stomach churned from the unease of it all. In the end, she went through with the wedding because she fully believed it was the right thing to do. When she didn’t suddenly go crazy or die, perhaps he’d realize his belief in a family curse was for naught.
Odessa followed Gavin to the stable. He hopped off his horse and then went to assist her off of hers. Hamish came out to greet them. “Ah, Lady Odessa, it’s good to see you,” he said with relief filling his voice. “Lord Thornbury went looking for you this morning when we realized you never came home after the storm.”
“Has he returned?” Gavin asked.
“Not yet,” Hamish said. “I expect he will shortly. The sun is starting to set, and he’ll be forced to give up the search. I’ll let him know of your homecoming when he brings his horse to me.”
She hated that she’d worried Killian. He’d scream at her for a long time once he returned. She’d apologize and he’d hug her tight. They were as close as a brother and sister could be. Maybe he could help her weave through the mess she’d made with Gavin. She’d confess all and beg him for help. At this point, she’d listen to anyone who offered aid. For now, she’d focus on the moment though. At least Gavin was still by her side. That had to count for something, didn’t it?
“Thank you,” Odessa said.
Hamish nodded and took the reins of Odessa’s horse. “Will you be staying, Lord Havenwood?”
Gavin shook his head. “I’ll see Odessa to the castle, then come back. I won’t be long. You can leave my horse tied here.”
Her heartbeat skipped and her stomach went from churning to something much worse. She was close to losing everything. Gavin planned on leaving her. How long had he carried this crazy notion? Had this been his plan all along? What kind of man marries a woman and runs as fast as he can from her?
Odessa frowned. She supposed a great deal of men were afraid of matrimony and might regret it afterward. Gavin hadn’t seemed like the type of male that would though. It was sorely disappointing to realize he wasn’t as infallible as she’d believed.
“You don’t have to bother,” she said. “I can see myself to the castle.”
She spun on her heels and away from him as fast as she could muster. Never in her life had she been so angry. The deep desire to punch him was rather overwhelming. She clenched her fist at her side and somehow managed to refrain from making the striking blow that filled her mind’s eye. Her cheeks heated as she thought about how gratifying it would be.
How dare he throw their love away as if it was worthless. Why should she fight for him when he wouldn’t do the same for her? She should have listened to Killian a long time ago and had a season in London. Maybe, if she’d gone, her heart wouldn’t be tearing apart and she could have a family of her own by now.
“Odessa, wait,” Gavin shouted. “Don’t walk so fast. You might slip and fall.”
She spun around and allowed him to catch up to her. When he reached her, she punched him in the stomach. At first, she’d considered hitting his face, but decided to hit him where it would hurt more. “Don’t act as if you care about me. I’ve been walking this path since I was a little girl and I’m capable of seeing myself home. You did your duty and gave me your
name. Go home, Lord Havenwood. I don’t need you anymore.”
“Don’t...”
“Don’t what?” She lifted a brow. “Love you? Want to be with you? Wish that you loved me too?” A tear fell down her cheek. “It’s too late for all of that I’m afraid. I can’t unlove you as much as you want me to. If you don’t want to be with me, I can’t force you.”
He wiped the tear from her cheek. “I never wanted this.”
The tears came even harder after that. Of course he didn’t want to break her heart. She wouldn’t have fallen in love with a man who did that sort of thing. He was a damned fool who believed in a curse more than the power of their love. There was nothing she could do to make him see how preposterous that was.
“Go,” she demanded. “I don’t want to see you again.”
Odessa turned and left him there. This time he didn’t follow her, and she was grateful. She couldn’t go through all of that a second time. If he couldn’t love her the way he should, then she was better off alone. In time, she would be all right, and somehow she’d find a way to move on with her life. He should have waited to see if she was pregnant before marrying her. This sham of a marriage might be for nothing, but secretly she hoped it wasn’t. She wanted his child and a reason to hold on to at least a small part of him.
She was a maudlin fool and in some ways a bigger idiot than Gavin. He had an absurd belief he held onto instead of living and she couldn’t let him go even when all signs pointed to him being a lost cause. She had made a lot of mistakes when she set out to finally make him admit he loved her. Not once had she considered it might not turn out as rosy as she’d hoped.
She pushed open the door to the castle and went to the main salon. She found Aubriella drinking tea with her mother. They both set their cups down immediately when she stepped into the room.
“Oh, thank heavens,” her mother said. “We’ve been so worried.”
“So worried you stopped to have a bit of tea?” She had to look a fright. Her hair had been plaited but her clothes had to be wrinkled, dirty, and even still a little wet.
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